Correspondence Hall of Shame, 3/16

Happy Friday, everyone. And how timely that I have one of these columns today. I am in one of my "too-many-people-are-too-fucking-stupid-and-I-need-to-move-to-another-planet" moods. So now I can release some of my aggression in a fairly innocuous manner.

We begin with this drivel, which has been sent to me four times, no less:

FORMER ROCK STAR Not really a rock superstar , but worked with some great groups including “Alice Cooper” and “Earth , Wind and Fire” , I was a great “jouneyman” musician , not a great songwriter , and a quality , but not unique voice. As with most musicans , incredible sexual adventures , which brought me to this world.. Now , a successful film/tv agent. A different approach..hopefully , successful. This site , and all “meeting sites” are difficult , in very different ways , for men and women. You get massive hits and emails , and men get limited responses. Perhaps my candor will work. This is all absolutely true. I’m 59...attractive , work out daily , in good shape (not a hunk , but when naked , in front of the mirror…I’m happy). Dominant , and when being that , a great Dom. In the past few years , I have “switched” and do find it interesting , but , no less the “Dom”. A simple proposal. Drinks or dinner. If nothing else , some great , intelligent conversation. Perhaps about this world , or life , or love. My profile is all true…and I promise you’ll find me charming , respectful , and fun...Sincere Thanks

Ooooooh! Earth, Wind and Fire! I can feel my panties dampening already!

First, you say you're 59 but your profile says you're 62. Second, you use way too damn many commas and a space before each of them is unnecessary. And third, ever wonder exactly why you get limited responses. Give that a think next time you're standing in front of the mirror naked. (brain bleach, please)

I am interested in gentle dildo training.

I should think you are. Because one should never train one's dildo harshly.

hello do you enjoy face sitting if so would you like to turn myface into your set and sit onit as long as you like or wear my face like its your panties

Ye gods. You attached your picture; I've seen your face. I don't want to sit on it, wear it or ever see it again.

Haven't gotten one of these for a while -- a form letter:

First let ME clarify that Ww/e have the time and resources to travel and be where we want when we want. We can travel nationally if we feel the person warrants it. Seriously searching we have the time to make the effort to meet truly serious people. PICS ON PROFILE.

Secondly, we can devote large amounts of time to training, play and lifestyle travel with you. If you are inexperienced, brand new, or live a distance, it is not a problem. We travel to you, if need be and in those cases where it has worked well we have you travel with us on kinky holidays, trips and to lifestyle resorts. If you are new you will be safe, learn at your own pace and be shown all that you need to know to be active in a safe way. For the more experienced we look for a different experience of intense edge play and intense scenes and complex play with larger equipment and scenes such as abduction, interrogation, play rape, forced use and humiliation.

Intense and commanding, educated and worldly, a skilled teacher, We seek primarly a fem sub/slave or couple to pursue the joys and pleasures of bdsm and the erotic arts. Both are fit, attractive, very creative, kinky, sexually on fire, and bring a very firm hand to training and discipline, but open and clear in our desires and wants. I have a great deal of experience, am very visual, a leather lover, enjoy complex “scenes”, and expert with MY tools and toys. We are a long term lifestyle Dom/sub couple and will take you sexually and mentally where you have not gone before.

We believe in safe, sane and have a strong need to dominate and use you in endless ways. I have done MY “homework” and know the power of the mind, understand submission and know well the role of a Master in the care and development of the submissive/slave mind. It’s not just about kinky sex, but about the blend of sex, control, submission and emotional need. The best have it in their DNA. She is bisexual, skilled and polished in the art of slavery and submission.

We have a full life being a successful professionals, direct and honest, passionate about life and living to the fullest. I am lean, passionate, strong hands and sexually insatiable using the body and mind for intense mind fucks. She is multi orgasmic, long legged and a lean blonde slut. I have trained and owned slaves in the past and am a skilled and patient teacher of “newbies” as well as those who are seasoned.

I enjoy, practice and excel at many fetishes including long sessions of bdsm, rope play, anal play, electric, rope and whip and flogger and a wide range of mental fetish play, sexual D/s, and adult exploration. I push boundaries including edge play, but take you there safely and back. I am active in the San Diego and LA bdsm communities, frequent the dungeons and private play parties and discreet meets and socials.

What a pity that I wasted my time reading all of this, when you so clearly didn't read a word of my profile.

I could go into all the reasons why what you've written to me is so, so inappropriate, but I don't have all weekend. Oh, and I prefer to call myself "experienced." Saying I'm "seasoned" makes it sound like I have 11 secret herbs and spices on my ass.

And the Gem of the Week goes to:

Hi, I know what u mean,not a sub you think like I do.you r a bottom--great one also---I have 50yrs.in the scene. I know what u want, I was in LEATHER ROSE Chi. many yrs. ago--know just how to please a Bottom, like u....I love your honesty! put the bozos in their place, My b day is Mar.17th. St. PADDLE. me day,ha ha,I d give u u my spanks,mmmmmm now back to u young lady,If i had u otk, i would take u (flying)---term 4 when you get soooo excited u get dizzy and shake as u orgasm.--not being crude just hot-wet moist. My uncle "tanned"my 16yr.old cousin 2-3x a week,that started my SPANKING career. got a chubby and loved to spank since then. You must have gotten hot when some one paddled u otk how old were u, first spanking???tets chat---lost my lil bottom 4yrs ago. play safe ---lets talk...a friend??I lived in Yuca Valley yrs ago take care

My dear fellow, I had many reactions to this, but "hot-wet moist" wasn't one of them. Put the bozos in their place, huh? Okie dokie. **plunk** And no, I didn't put you in the Recycle bin, either.

Why am I in a foul mood? Meh. Doesn't matter. Lots of little irritants. At least I get to escape to John's for a couple of days. And it's going to rain all weekend, which cheers me up. Yes, I know that's weird. What else is new.

So have a great weekend, y'all. Happy St. Paddy's Day. Wearing green = good. Drinking until you're green = notsomuch.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 2/17

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Correspondence Hall of Shame, 1/27

Welcome to Friday. There must be something in the air this week -- I have seen more asshattery on FetLife the past couple of days than I have in months. Perfect timing for one of these columns, so I can blow off some steam.

wow sexy and u have sexy feet i like to lick and kiss your feet

That's nice. Go find someone who would enjoy that.

Are you into animalsex also ??

Does the occasional and regrettable encounter with swine count?

love how you're bottom swells after a good spanking.

Does it? This is news to me. Perhaps I should give ST a tape measure for a before-and-after. Or maybe I've been eating too many peanut butter Oreos.

When you get your bare ass spank does the man stop now an then to rub an massage your bare ass to keep it from tighten up an keep it loose so you could feel every smack sure hope so.

Please tell me I just imagined this one. It's too depressing to think people actually write this badly. Trust me, I feel every smack, tight ass or loose ass.

And now for fun with search phrases. I don't usually get into these, as most of mine are fairly straightforward, but I've gotten a batch of such bizarre ones lately, I had to share.

Sarah Gregory nude

Ummm... OK. Sarah Gregory is lovely naked. But how on earth did this phrase bring anyone to my blog?

Erica Scott is ticklish

Why yes, I am. But what does that have to do with anything?

ohmyhead model mayhem

WTF?? I do have a profile on Model Mayhem, but it doesn't give me a headache.

spanking pedicure

Again with the feet. How would one get a pedicure while being spanked? Wouldn't the polish smear all over?

And finally, can someone please explain this one to me? I swear, I'm not making it up.

facial waitress

For one thing, the phrase itself makes no sense. And for another, in what universe does anything to do with facials or food servers connect with a spanking blog? Perhaps an inept waitress tripped and gave a customer a facial with a bowl of soup, and got spanked for it. Oh, my head, indeed.

There are times when the Internet -- no, the world in general -- makes no sense to me. I'm very grateful it's Friday and I get to escape to John's for a couple of days. His knee is better, although now the bruises have bloomed and it looks scary, he says.

Have a great weekend, y'all. :-)

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 12/2

We interrupt the ongoing drama with a humor break.

can u handle powerful MASTER?

Yup -- I click DELETE.

Hey sexy gorgeous I will u a full body with candle lights and shared some wine with you and giving u a nice kiss!! How are u?

At the moment, perplexed. You will me a full body with candle lights? I'm sorry you died, but really, couldn't you just give it to charity? There are so many unfortunate half-full bodies out there.

I wish I had a room with cages, chains, whips and other toys for you...desire to have you tied up with ropes

give you spank, whip, hear moaning, suck and bite your breasts, bite your buttocks, penetrate your vagina and your anus all night

fornicate in the streets, in the forest, in the car... but also want a wife, a girlfriend, a friend, a lover

You want four women? How greedy of you.

I had to laugh -- notice how he used all the proper formal words, even though he was discussing my complete defiling. Fornicate??

i want to expierence what you like. i want to do something other than just fuck....maybe i might like spanking you.i do not know.

And you never will know, I'm afraid.

I'm still amazed buy the shape of your but

My but what?

And finally:

For the last 18 months, I have been "involved" with a lovely, stacked redhead who just cannot get enough spanking ... seeps as if the harder I spank her, the hotter she gets ... we work on squirting as well, and during our last "session" she got so hot being spanked that she soaked the bed with her ejaculation ... which was HOT.

If you are interested in an encounter with a mature couple ... participating in hard spanking threesome fun, let me know and we can set up a "spanking conference" to introduce ourselves.

(scrubbing vigorously with brain bleach) Ummm... no. No, thank you. And speaking of bleach, you may want to do some laundry.

In other news... Mother Nature had a major tantrum here in Southern CA this week, with a "Santa Ana wind event" the likes of which are seen only once every 5-15 years. Hardest hit was the San Gabriel Valley... where John lives. He stays in Orange County all week for work, but he'll be coming home today, to a completely dark town. Thousands of people in several cities have no power, and the power company is restoring it, city by city. It's estimated that John's town may not have power for another two to four days.

I called him last night and asked him to please call one of his neighbors and get the lowdown from someone who's there, because the news always makes everything sound so much more horrible. He said he'd call me back if he heard any bad news about his house, and he hasn't called, so no news is good news. I'm hoping he will come home later today and find nothing more than a lot of leaves and branches to sweep up and some spoiled food in the fridge. And then he'll be coming here for the weekend.

Always something, isn't it?

Stay safe, y'all. And have a great weekend. 

Sunday blather

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

John had his own theory about my Jekyll/Hyde correspondent last week. He said the reason why the guy was nice at first, and then changed so drastically, was because he had no intention of meeting with me. That first photo he sent me, of Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome with the shampoo-commercial hair? Fake. He's really a 300-pound toad. (that probably wasn't his real dick, either, but that's beside the point.) Apparently he gets his jollies by engaging with women and messing with their heads, without having to actually meet them.

OK, that makes as much sense as anything else, I guess. "Why would he suggest you come right to his house to play, rather than meeting for coffee first?" he asked. "Because he knows most women won't go for that. And if they do, he'll give them a fake address."

Takes all kinds, doesn't it. Yeeeeesh.

So here's a thought; someone suggested this a while back, but I can't remember who it was. I have enough CHoS material accumulated from the past few years; what if I pull it all together, organize it and make a book out of it? I could have different chapters, like one just for the age comments, one for those special form letters that go on and on, one for entries from women (yes, I do have them), and so on. Could be fun. Perhaps I could have a chapter of contributions from friends, of their own charming missives.

Something to think about. I can't seem to find any work, so perhaps that project could keep me from completely losing my mind.

Speaking of losing one's mind... today at brunch, we were seated near one of the dreaded "large party" tables. Toward the back of the restaurant, there are booths on one side and then across from them are tables pushed together for big families and groups. Sometimes we get lucky and the groups are all adults, but not today. This time, it was a large group of mostly kids, chattering and blasting some game with music pumping on their iPad, laughing, kicking the chairs and making a racket. The two adults at the table ignored them, of course.

They left when we were halfway through our meal, and I realized I hadn't taken a proper breath since we sat down. Heaving a sigh of relief, I settled down to enjoy the latter half of my brunch. Five minutes later, another (even bigger) party was seated... with even younger children. And a baby. Which was plunked in a high chair at the end of the table closest to us, naturally. He wasted no time in emitting those delightful ear-splitting shrieks that only babies can do, and throwing things on the floor.

"Finish up, honey, and let's get out of here," I hissed to John. Our server was so frazzled, she forgot to bring us our check and we had to sit there for several minutes listening to the cacophony.

By the time we got out of there, I was so thoroughly rattled, I walked down the wrong aisle in the parking lot. Got to the end of it where I knew I'd left my car, and... nothing. "John, oh my God, where's my car??" I cried.

"Sweetie," he said gently, turning me slightly to look over to the next aisle, where my car was exactly where I'd left it.

I swear, I just wanted to sit down in the middle of the asphalt and scream my head off.

Earlier this week, I was taking an online Myer-Briggs personality test, and one of the items was "Agree/Disagree: I am disturbed and distracted by outside noises." There needed to be a third option for an answer: "That's the understatement of the fucking universe."

It's not easy being me sometimes, folks. Especially the me who goes crazy with stress over noisy children/babies, loud neighbors, people who talk in movie theaters, music/TV blasters, barking dogs... Considering we live in a world that just hit a population of 7 billion, peace and quiet is getting to be a rare commodity that is attainable only by the very wealthy. (sigh)

Enough of that. It's very quiet in my apartment tonight. I have a new neighbor moving in next door and I'm all freaked out about that as well, but for tonight, they aren't here yet.

Tomorrow is Halloween. What's everyone doing? Or did some of you have parties this weekend? I'm not really into it, myself -- i think it's for kids. But I do love the candy.

Apropos of nothing, if anyone else is feeling down or stressed, take a look at the little clip below. This commercial never fails to make me giggle. I love Jimmy Fallon, and it seems he's met his match here! Where on earth did they get that kid??

I love how she says one of my favorite words. ;-)  Night, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 10/28

Another one so soon? Sort of. I have a few funnies, and then one that's really bugging me and I want to get it out of my head.

let be friend ples

Well, at least he said ples. But I'm still going to pass.

Hi..there.I'm bored & just checkin things out.I cant take my eyes off your profile pics.I wana say,"u got a very gorgeous spankable firm Bottom.I'm very turned-on by your already stinged redden cheeks.

Stinged? Did he mean singed? Stung?
I'm sorry you're bored. Try reading a book. There are some really cute pop-up ones available on Amazon.

all i want to do is give u a good spnking every time i come to town i visit my kids there in fresno and i pass thru ur town once a month so get back too me and maybe u will be dropping ur drawers for me sometime soon

Dropping ur drawers??
Sure, come on over. I'll drop a fully loaded dresser drawer on your foot.

Last week, I got a reply on my Alt.com profile from a man who lives four miles from me. His note was brief, but respectful, and he attached a photo, a face shot, just as I requested in my profile. Nice. He also included his phone number and said "let's talk."

(groan) I hate the phone, as you know. And I especially hate talking to strangers on it. But his profile was very clear -- he said he hated endless emails and he needed to hear a voice in order to make a connection. OK, fine. It won't kill me. So I called.

We had a nice conversation. He asked me a lot of questions, wanted to know about limits and tolerance, preferences, etc. Among other things, I told him that I love scolding, but I do not like verbal degradation and rough talk. "I totally get it," he said. Then he said that because he wasn't a top tier member on Alt, he couldn't see my pictures, only a thumbnail of the profile shot. Could I send him a few photos? Sure, I said, and he gave me his email.

I selected a couple of shots and sent them to him. And then I got this in return:

Very nice. I'll enjoy brutalizing your ass.

I felt like I'd been socked in the gut. Did he not hear a word I'd said? Brutalize? I don't want to be freaking brutalized.

I didn't reply. Then, last Monday, I got another email from him. This time, a close-up shot of his hand clutching his erect member. This is what's in my pants. Call me.

My Alt profile clearly states, in bold: "I want to see your face, not your dick. Please don't send me X-rated pictures."

I felt violated, like I'd experienced some sort of bait-and-switch. He was a gentleman at first, then as soon as he got me to nibble the bait, he became someone else. I thought I had better instincts than this; why was I so fooled? Was it because he was good looking? Am I that shallow? (yeah, I am, somewhat. Who am I kidding?)

I wrote back: "(sigh) If I wanted to see that, I would have stayed at my boyfriend's house." He wrote back: "I am not your boyfriend." Well, duh.

The next day, he wrote once more, asking if I was ready to come over for a spanking. I didn't reply. I was done. When he didn't hear from me, he sent me this: Clearly u r not ready to be spanked by a man like me. I thought we had a very clear and connected chat.

We did. And then you morphed into Dick Boy.

I don't know why this one is bothering me so much. Maybe it's because I'm disgusted with myself. You're so greedy, Erica. You have a wonderful play partner; why even experiment with anyone else? Or I'm pissed off that I was fooled by a pretty face. Maybe part of me was flattered because he's 39 years old and he could get any cute young thing he wants, but he was writing to me.

You know what? I DO have the best possible play partner in ST. But that doesn't mean I never want to play with anyone else. When The Villain was local, I played with him too. And let's be real. I don't have all that many spankable years left. I want to enjoy as much as I can for as long as I can, while men still want to play with me.

I dunno... this left me feeling both foolish and angry. Maybe now that I've put it out there, I can let it go. It's so not worth the time and space in my head.

Move on, Erica. It's another weekend. And next Saturday, I go back to Spanking Court one last time, to wrap up my story arc. I can't wait.

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 10/21 / Twitter

Happy Friday! Today's CHoS is brief, so I thought I'd combine it with some of my observations about Twitter, so far.

i would like to seeyou
i am very healthy not bad looking love oral sex and well off financially

Apparently, he doesn't love punctuation.

This was from a man wearing a Day-Glo purple wig:

how about foot TICKLING???
or role playing ???
I am nearby in SFV
like translesbians in thigh boots like me ???
call me

Umm... if I liked foot TICKLING, I would have said so in my profile. And really, are the triple question marks necessary???

And this, from a man with a nice close-up shot of his erect member:

surrender your mind and body then fuck luke rabbits. Let’s talk and make it happened.

I don't know who Luke is, but I don't want to fuck him or his rabbits.

When I didn't reply, he wrote to me three more times. Some people really don't get it.

Some of you saw me ranting on FetLife earlier this week about how I started a new topic in a group and the moderator deleted it. I sent him a message, no hostility, just a simple question, and I quote:

Why was the topic I just posted a few minutes ago removed?

He wrote back, very snarky and combative, saying my topic was redundant (please! Topics are repeated on FL every damn day), and he didn't appreciate my complaining and questioning him. He ended his missive with this:

Shrugs ..yeah that is right, were all control freaks asshole meanie mods .

No, not all. Just you, stupid.

So I've been on Twitter a couple of months now, long enough to notice some generalities.

1. It has its fun moments. I like to see what my friends are up to, and sometimes people post some really funny comments and pictures.

2. The occasional intelligent conversation between several tweeters does pop up on occasion, but is severely limited due to the character limits.

3. About three-quarters of the time, posting on Twitter is the cyber-equivalent of talking to yourself, because you get no response.

4. People tweet about food, a lot.

5. Some people tweet deeply personal and heartbreaking things. I have been known to blog some pretty heavy stuff, but I think one's personal agony, if it's going to be made public, deserves more than 140 characters.

6. People tweet WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too damn much information sometimes, and I think they forget they're talking to thousands of people, not just IMing with their friends. For example, there has been an ongoing conversation since last night about butt plugs. Please, make it stop! I like these people. I just don't want to read about what's going up their butts.

7. I have 170 followers at this time. Many are scene people, but then I get the occasional Christian fundamentalist or right-wing conservative. And they're following me because....?

8. Twitter is a good place to quickly pass on some information to a whole lot of people. It's also a place where you can waste a great deal of time if you're not careful.

Guess what got Chrossed today? My off-topic Jerry Lewis post! Now that makes me smile.

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 9/30

First CHoS of Fall 2011. Way overdue, huh? Besides, I've been feeling especially snarkastic the past couple of days (my new favorite word).

I wanna spank you. Then fuck you. Eat your pussy.

I don't know where you're from, but we do not eat our pets in this country.

I have been a Master/Daddy for 25 years. The perfect little girl never questions her Master/Daddy, and thinks of his needs above her own.

Damn shame I'm not perfect, huh? This little girl's need, at the moment, is for you to take your ginormous Domass ego and... well, you figure it out, Papi.

Would love to spank you and then mount you with my large hard cock.....sexy rich guy looking for some kinky fun

I saw your picture, Richie Rich. You're lying about the sexy part, so you're probably lying about the large cock too.

And here's my favorite:

Im pretty new to this site & came across ur photo. Im a tattoo artist fro. San diego. Im very much into the tits & bottoms of a lady. Being a tattoo artist i do enjoy inflicking some pain into my sex, spanking, tit squeezing, anal sex on a women & some biting. I do like to take control when were having sex.. BUT I ALSO LIKE BEING BIT & SCRATCHED HARD ENOUGH TO DRAW BLOOD...

Tattoo artist, huh? Since you enjoy inflicking [sic] pain and you like a bit of pain yourself, here's a tat suggestion. Tattoo "I'm with" on one testicle, and "Stupid" on the other. And on your cock? That's right, "Stupid." That is, assuming it's big enough to accommodate six letters.

This isn't really a CHoS entry, but I'm including it 'cause I feel like it. Earlier this week on FetLife, in the group "Spank You Very Much," someone posed the question, "Is it true that the more firm one's ass is, the more a spanking hurts?" (rolling eyes) Kind of a dumbass question, way too simplistic, but that's not my point.

Part of one man's reply read as follows: "I've encountered some ladies with well padded bottoms who could barely handle a hand spanking and some with bony bottoms which outlast most hands and some implements (Erica Scott – aka the 'bionic bottom' – comes to mind)."

OK, I appreciate the shout-out, truly. But... bony?? Really? That's the best modifier he could have chosen? Part of me laughed, but another part was rather ticked off.

News flash, Skippy. First, thin women don't like the word "bony" any more than women with a few extra pounds like the "f" word. Not at all flattering. And second, I am not bony. What I have back there is muscle tone. Which will feel like bone to your poor little soft hand, but it's quite a different substance.

And finally, I'm throwing in another one of those baffling keyword search phrases:

flexible legs behind head feet

Join me, kids... WTF?

Tomorrow, I go back to Spanking Court. I haven't been there since July, so I am really looking forward to it. Not just because of the shoot itself, but I can't wait to see them all again! :-)  Should be great fun; I'm doing two scenes, and as we left off on a cliffhanger (me causing the Court Disciplinarian to blow his cork and do something really inappropriate), we'll take up with my hauling him into Court with me and having it out in front of the Judge.

I'm sure all will be resolved nicely -- the Judge will dismiss the Disciplinarian's sorry ass, after he is commanded to sincerely apologize to me for his gross mistreatment. Right? Right?

:-) Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 8/5

It's Friday. Time to lighten up and bring back the funny. And the ridiculous.

im the one. I want u... I love 2 show my women I care with pain.. Let me show u

Your profile picture already showed me your dick. I've seen enough.

bare bottom ass whippings with my belt that will make u squirt your cum across the room and u wont be able to sit down for a week

The only thing that's going to squirt across the room is my projectile vomit. Go away.

Hi...I am available for giving your bottom lots of oral attention...

Unless your tongue is shaped like a paddle, I'm not interested.

wanna spank me ? call 626 xxx-xxxx only if UR a woman or shemail

Shemail? Is that, like, email from a woman?

I deleted this, and next day, I heard from him again:

thats ok if i coud at least spank u & U me that wood be nice

I don't care how nice your wood is. I'm not going to spank u.

I've heard from this guy before as well:

daddy likes what he sees. u r a butt beaiufull bottom i love u over my knee n bare r bottom n give u the spanking - croping u need need n have a taste for i am know for my o t k style call if u like to go for a trip over my knee that botton is in real need for attion i travl for work wwe com phone 859 xxx xxxx w-male 859 xxx xxxx if u r real call hope to see u soon

Let's review. 1) You're not my Daddy. I'm no Einstein, but there's no way I could be the spawn of someone so stupid. 2) No, I don't want to go for a trip over your knee. We've already discussed how much I hate to travel. 3) I doubt you are know [sic] for your OTK style. More likely you are know [sic] for writing like a first grader.

And finally -- another oddball gem from the search phrase collection:

children be a nice naughty next moody corner time now please

I am not making this up. There's no way I could. And can someone please explain how this string of gibberish led them to my blog?? (Yeah, yeah, I know. It was the "moody" part.)

Enough of this nonsense. Thanks to all who read my tome the other night and replied, including those who wrote to me privately. I got a message from New Guy, saying his hand is itching for me and he hopes I'm ready for a good spanking on Monday. It's nice to know some things don't change.

Have a beaiufull weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 7/8

Greetings and happy Friday. Congratulations to all my fellow Chrosslings.

This week, we have a couple of repeat offenders. Remember this guy? It seems he will not be ignored.

I HAVE AN INSATIABLE ASS FETISH. I'M SEEKING A PLAYDATE-PARTNER.I'M VERY DESCREET AND I LOVE OLDER WOMEN AND ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FEMALE ASS.SO MESSAGE ME BACK ASAP.

I guess he still hasn't found his dream ass. Amazing.

And the 19-year-old from last time piped up again:

id love to have you sit on my face ;]

Yeah, and I'd love for Sarah Palin to be rendered mute. That's not happening either.

Received this on FetLife:

Love your awesome 50 something petite build

He then went on to invite me to join his group and provided a link. I clicked on it and was taken to the group "Skinny Thin Sluts."

No thanks. I already belong to "Slender Lightweight Hussies."

The next gentleman seems to be a photographer who is critiquing one of my pictures. Hard to tell with all the illiteracy.

working on the photo thing would LOVE to do a lot better than I saw in your pics. and warm your ass up a little more. was disapointed you were not tied to te chair. but really enjoyed the fact you had a garte belt and stocking on

Perhaps you should work on the writing thing instead.

Everyone's a critic, apparently:

your bottom needs more redesspurple to it hummmmm..nice thights very nice!!!

Pray tell, what color is redesspurple? I don't recall that one from my Crayola 64-Pack.

This is not really part of the CHoS; it is simply a statement I found as I cruised the blogosphere this morning:

It is indeed a fact that most men want younger women.

(sigh) With all due respect, sir -- given the amount of correspondence I receive, good and bad, from men younger than myself, and how many younger men have happily played with me, I'd say you might be assuming a bit too much. But thank you for helping perpetuate the stereotype.

To wrap up last Friday, John is on antibiotics and he's seeing a periodontist today. It seems this time around, he will be OK. Thanks to everyone who was concerned.

Funny side note about that day... I love puzzles. I do crossword puzzles every day, and I almost always have a jigsaw puzzle in the works. Not the super-super hard ones; they have to have lots of different colors and an interesting picture, or else I get bored. The 750-piece ones are a perfect size. Anyway... as of last Friday, I was only two-thirds done with one I'd been working on for weeks. As I climbed the walls waiting to hear from John, I discovered that I couldn't work on the puzzle and think about him at the same time. So I immersed myself in the puzzle.

Think maybe I was a bit stressed out?

Yup, I finished it, all in one afternoon. When I put the last piece in at around 6:30, I felt about five seconds of triumph, then my mind swung right back to, "Oh gawd, where IS he?" I am hopeless, truly. But it all worked out.

Back to Spanking Court tomorrow; can't wait! :-D  Wish me luck. Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 6/24

Been mighty quiet around these parts -- where the hell is everyone? Perhaps a few Friday laughs will bring you around.

Today's first offering is from a 19-year-old (can these guys count?? Do they have any idea how much older 53 is than 19?):

i love ur long legs and booty ;]

Ah, thanks, babe. And I love that sweet li'l soft spot on the crown of your head.

i too luv 2 spank on my buttoks

You know, it's a lot more fun when someone else spanks your buttoks.

hello sexy lady llike to enjoy my dick on cam 2 cam lets hv cam chat on yahoo messenger

I prefer to enjoy dick person to person, thank you. And what does "hv" stand for?

Wow that is a lovely bottom. Especially for your age (I bet you hate hearing that).

You'd win that bet. And yet, you said it anyway, asshat.

And here's the Gem of the Week:

You sure are pretty. If I ever get the chance to spank you, would you allow me to spread open your yummy cheeks as you order me "Xxxxxxx, makeout with my asshole as if you were kissing your first loves lips"

OK, now I know what "hv" stands for -- Heavy Vomit. Gaaaaaaa! Definitely brings a whole new meaning to "kiss my ass."

Here's a tip, Junior. Do not liken a woman's lips to her anus. It's a very unattractive and unflattering image.

A side note before I close: I'm thinking about joining Twitter. Not because I think I have a lot of fascinating tweets in me (really, how much can you say in 140 characters?), but because so many people I know are on there and I'd like to follow them. But I'm resisting, because it's yet another way to waste time on the Internet.

So who belongs, and who tweets? Why should (or shouldn't) I take this up?

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 6/3

Happy Friday, everyone. In the mood for a few laughs? I know I am.


Our first gem is courtesy of a 19-year-old (!!):


im xxxxxx, i was checking out ur pics and i love ur ass ;] id love to lick it and fucking it ;]


My my. Do you kiss your mommy with that mouth, little boy?


Hellow. love how you ass look and you panties


Goodbyew. don't like you writing.


Here we go again...


It is hard to believe your bottom look like this at age 53!


(rolling eyes) Oh, I give up. You got me. That picture you saw is one I stole from a 25-year-old. My real bottom looks like two leftover pancakes.


And finally... put a shield over your screen and keyboard before you read this one. Your brain may explode.


hi u nauthgy young lady i am a pro . spanker n more in store u have a butt beauifull n it lokkks like it needs one of mine over the knee enjoying straring out style spanking -paddling/ croping n to top it off my cat of -12- tails- i travl for all over for work -wwe manger- i also did make 3 movies tne best one is the taletail a delitfull spankings of all the ways n more i am 51 a lifestyler d/d free -w/male - live in flornce 5 min. from airport n going to calf. late july love to take u out for dinner n sees how u enjoy my style butt u have a beauifull butt n boby


There's no way I could make this up. I couldn't conceive of this degree of illiteracy. Amazingly, he did spell spanker and spanking correctly.


Well, despite this delitfull missive, I think I will turn down the dinner offer. The thought of his "more in store" makes me throw up in my mouth a little.


In other news... Lots of people are at the FMS party this weekend. Didn't they all just come home from the BBW party?? (sigh) Yes, I'm being snarky. Sour grapes. I wish everyone a good time -- this is merely envy, not jealousy. And I get to have my own good time tomorrow! :-D  This week has dragged and dragged and DRAGGED, but finally, it's Spanking Court time again.


Am I nervous? Sure, always. Not quite as much as I was the first time, though, since now I know what to expect (somewhat). I so look forward to seeing everyone again. 


Wanna know what I'm most apprehensive about? The spankings? Nah. What dastardly implements Mr. Villain will choose? Meh. What I'll say to the judge? I'll wing it. No... Cali sent us all email yesterday, reminding us that the makeup artist will be on hand again, so we should all show up with bare faces.


Say what?


OK, I'm not one who can't leave my house without full makeup on. I don't wear all that much of it anyway. But honestly? My unadorned face has a rather ghostly pallor, and I have dark circles under my eyes no matter how much sleep I get. Some concealer and blush are necessary, or else I could frighten small children. Fortunately, there won't be any on these premises.


(groan) I'll just have to hope that our talented makeup artist will work her magic as soon as I get there, so I'll look like I'm about to do a fetish video, rather than a remake of Zombies From Hell.


Have a beauifull weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, the Pre-Rapture Edition

According to some self-proclaimed experts, the world as we know it is ending tomorrow. Might as well spend my last day doing things I'm good at -- making my friends laugh and snarking at idiots.

Hi , you have a beautifull ass , I will love to spank you !

Uh... no. You won't.

I would enjoy indulging in your ass, luv.

Why do I get the feeling that my butt is a pint of Ben & Jerry's?

I have admit seeing you and your lovely red bare bottom being spanked caused a little rise :)

Emphasis on "little," I'm sure. (snicker) Really? You just had [to] admit this? Your last act on this earth before the Rapture? Sheesh. Looks like you didn't have much of a life to begin with.

i wanna give you the best panties for an older woman award :]

Oh, you've got to be @#$%ing kidding me. Well, thank you. I'm honored. It was quite a coup, finding those tanga Depends.

And finally... what do I love, kids? Long, rambling propositions from men who clearly didn't bother reading my profile. OK, I'll cut this guy a little slack, since English isn't his first language (he's from Switzerland). But still...

hello my dear

i saw your profile and i loved it. the picture is wonderful. but that is not what i am looking for. the girl, woman, lover on my side has to be very pretty inside. that is the only thing that is really important, and what will be very important to me/us.

i am not looking for a sexpartner only, but it is really importantp. i have been inside a RS without sex for 3 years and that almost killed me - REALLY!

i am very open for the most of it but if you are not open enough to live our sexual fantasies, that would be very bad. you must be communicativ, tender,lovely, understanding, inteligent, faithful, ... submissive and obdient.

let's meet and let's see what happends. i am a good man/dom and it could be your and my dream to go forward and make fantasies come true.

if you are really interested, than please write me to with your contact adress - best would be a mess anger-adress.

you should know, that i am very sexual and have a good sexdrive when i am attracted to my sub and have found my real sub, but not just "fuck". qualitiy is more important then quantity. but i also love to pleasure my partner like she does it to me. with feelings it is more beautyful that just without.

i love my partner to be more sub, sluty, devoted and submissive. i am looking for my all-in-one-girl-sub. the bdsm-part is a part of my life - not my whole life - but very important.

you should love to dress yourself sexy on my side.

best thing would be, when you have a fable for skirts, sexy shirts/blouse, black(pvc-latex), leather, high heels or boots. i really will admire her for that and will take good care, protect and support her.

be sure, i don't care any distance, because when we got the connection, we will see where the way goes and leads us.

i am single and i am open to relocate you or myself when it is necessary, when i have found the right sub. i don't care where my sub is form and how long it needs to meet here as long as we are in contact. but the domination is a part of me - and your devotion is a gift to me, that i will respect and admire.

i am not a player or a time waster - i met to many on this site. i had a sub, but she was busy all the time and the business was more important - i had to accept that.

i pormise, when you answer you won't be disappointed.

kiss

(groan) He mentions "sub" or "submissive" eight times. My ad's headline reads: "NOT a submissive, just a bottom." What does that tell you?

Whaddaya mean, you're not a time waster? You've already wasted several precious minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

If you're a dom, why do you lower-case your I's? Do Swiss keyboards not have a shift key?

And finally -- if you're willing to relocate me, would you relocate my boyfriend too? Thanks much. :-)

In other news, the controversial topic on FetLife about spanking models doing pay sessions at parties rages on, over 200 responses at this time. Church Lady came back and posted more of her endless blather; I lost my temper and told her to put a sock in it. People messaged me privately and cheered. But it didn't stop her; she posted even more judgmental crap. I give up. Yup, it's true, folks. All of us in the video industry are soul-less whores and we will corrupt your children and poison your pets. We're all about money and we're going to hell in a shopping basket.

But we're sure as hell having fun. :-Þ

OK, kiddies. See you on the other side. I just hope that if this damned Rapture is for real tomorrow, it happens before John and I have to take his mother to lunch.

Yes, I'm horrible. :-)  Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 4/22

Happy Good Friday. Happy Chross Day (thank you again, Chross). Happy Earth Day. OK, I think that covers everything.

This CHoS is short, but I thought posting something humorous might help counteract this blue mood I'm in.

I changed the name on this one, because it works better if I leave a name in place. Granted, this one isn't really rude, but as you'll see, it's a bit strange:

My name is Joe and I am 25 years old! I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do some online sessions! I think you are really quite cute and would love to punish you! Maybe we could work it out to do a real sessions!
Thanks for the time, Joe!

Someone needs to disable this guy's exclamation point key. Can you imagine doing an online session with him? "Bad girl! Hold still! Smack! Smack! You need to be punished! I'm going to punish you! I'm taking you over my knee right now! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But here's the gem of the week:

I AM PERFECT FOR YOU LOVER! SERIOUSLY I HAVE AN INSATIABLE ASS FETISH THAT WOULD AMAZE YOU AND I AM ALWAYS IN NEED OF A NEW BOTTOM.WHENEVER-WHEREVER I AM ADDICTED TO LICKING,SUCKING,AND FUCKING A NICE ASS LIKE YOURS.PLEASE MESSAGE ME ASAP SINCE WE LIVE SO CLOSE.I PROMISE YOU'LL BE PLEASED.

OK, first -- STOP YELLING. Second, not in a million years would I be your lover. Third, you mention every possible thing that can be done to an ass... except the one thing I want, which is spanking. Oh, wait. There is one more thing that can be done to an ass -- kicking it out the cyber door.

I wonder if people with insatiable ass fetishes become proctologists?

And finally -- I've mentioned that on occasion, I find something so completely off the wall in my keyword search section, it cries out to be posted:

easter seals ucp yanceyville nc

Sure, that makes sense. Naturally, a search for Easter Seals in North Carolina would lead to a Jewish spanko in California. (insert shrugging with perplexed face emoticon here)

To everyone who celebrates Easter, have a good one. And even if you don't, eat some chocolate anyway. Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 4/8

It's Spring, and the idiots as well as the flowers are popping their heads up once again. Enjoy.

Can you like animalsex ???

I dunno, can I? If you're talking about f***ing like bunnies, then yes. If you're talking about actually f***ing the bunnies, then go away.

“Nipple play”...I like a woman who loves’s it, and wants it. Would love to explore your nipples and figure out what makes you go crazy.

Uh... where in any of my spanking ads were you able to infer that I loves's nipple play? I don't; I hates's it.

I will spank you into submissionl. You are hot your Master knows that. I just would like to become worthy of being in your circle. Very respectful single clean shaved 8" available anytime for you.

You want to be worthy? You can start by not announcing the length of your shlong to a perfect stranger.

And here's my favorite, clearly written by a one-handed typist:

I want to take you from behind, that’s my favorite especially I want to dominate you from behind, with my large hands wrap around your throat. The variety of what can be done from behind is so great; it can open up new pleasure centers and different angles of penetration. I like it all, standing up while our hips grind together, fully embraced with my hands cupping your breasts and pinching your nipples. I want to grab your ass checks sticking it straight in the air so I can penetrate you from a steep angle like a jackhammer, flexing my knees and thighs every time I thrust all the way deep into you’re wetness. I than want you just lying down, on your stomach, legs spread wide and continue to enter slowly and deeply from behind then wrap my warm (hot) body around yours, biting and kissing the back of your neck, whispering dirty thoughts into your ear again and again, tightly embracing your arms so our bodies are one, watching your face change between the smile and tensions of ultimate pleasure every time I slide in and out of you.

There were several more paragraphs of this drivel, but I chose to spare you. This gives you the general idea.

A few random thoughts:

1. My ass doesn't have checks. I prefer polka dots.
2. If I wanted to have sex with a jackhammer, I'd buy one at Home Depot.
3. Are you warm, or are you hot? Make up your damn mind.
4. If I'm lying facedown on the bed, how can you watch my face change?
5. You just want our bodies to be one so you can share my brain, as yours (or should I say you'res) is clearly deficient.

Thanks to everyone who participated in my food rant blog. It always tickles me to see the amount of responses I get on those. And finally, thank you to A Voice In The Corner for choosing mine as Blog of the Week. :-)

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 3/11

Here we are again with a fresh crop of shameful tidbits for your amusement.

What do I love, guys? Haven't gotten one of these for a while; long, incoherent rambles from a man seeking love and the meaning of life. Just a reminder -- I am not poking fun at this because it's written by someone for whom English is his second language. It's all the blithering and blathering that lands these types of posts in the CHoS; I mean, what are these guys thinking??

Enjoy...

I'm hardworking Man ,Single , 46 years old , hazel eyes . I love reading ,music ,politics, roses, traveling & computers. You can say that books , music & computer are my real friends . I'm lonely open-minded guy who knows how to care & respect privacies. I need to have a real friend to share thoughts, dreams, fantasies, fetishes, even hard times & as we came to fetishes & fantasies, I have to say that I like some fetishes. I also like 1on1 calls, but I like more romantic nights that full of intimate moments, candles, talking....anything to enjoy my partner doing whatever she wants as long as she can also obey ........... I for myself has been betrayed by a woman & also men but never lost may faith in people , it is not that wise but just because we cannot live alone or only chose from kind of sex or another ... also I think on the other hand there are lots of faithful & good friends in life .. but it is how & when we meet them or find them .... I'm a man who has that codes which make me suffer in this cruel life, But I will never surrender & I will keep on.
well, For all my life I'm looking for real love, I found it but she traveled forever in a way no one can follow but to die... It is ok....... ..... Still thought that Love is like a rainbow, beautiful, yet misty.I'm here now just to share & more who knows as I told you I'm still believe that we can be human mirrors so what a luck lady you are you have a mirror for your own ( opps) that is only if you accept me with promises of care & understanding going deep inside our souls & mind to see more ... I dream of a woman who can fill my life with her aroma & knows how to serve & to please.So, if you are really someone special who needs a real relation based on , respect , caring & specially passionate .. I'm all yours., just drop some lines telling me more about you

My brain just exploded. I'm at quite a loss for words with this one. So I'll let you all have at it and move on.

hi erica not only do I have a spanking fetish but also woman wear slips very hard to find both together. Maybe naughty girl  wearing skirt/slip over a woman's knee also wearing a dress and slip thanks
 
(running this through my Moron to English dictionary) Does anyone wear slips anymore?? I don't own any. Too bad, because this guy sounds like quite the prize.
 
I live in Honolulu. I have a very good job, you must be willing to move in with me in Hawaii. I am 44 years old 5,10 175lbs, work out three times a week at 24 hour fitness. Like your profile. Single and looking for a wife .you sound perfect. if you are willing to relocate reply back at we can get toknow each oter better.
 
Oooh, a marriage proposal! And I'm perfect for him -- oh, except for that pesky boyfriend of mine. Oh, and the fact that I have no intention of relocating anywhere (I don't see him offering up the money for me to do that, either). Oh, and I have no desire to ever marry. But other than that, it's a match made in heaven! :-D
 
hey whats goin on! Ive really never tried full out spanking and would love to try it out hit me up if ur up for it

I'm sorry... did someone drug me and then tattoo "Guinea Pig" on my butt while I was unconscious?

I didn't reply, of course... and then I got this, same guy:

hey a lot of people wont respond cause i dont have a pic! i hope u do cause im not looking for the sex so much as im lookin for my first time really spanking some one! i dont have a pic cause i get on here on my phone and cant upload off my phone! i hope u hit me up soon

News flash, honey -- no one cares about your pic. They're not responding because you're an idiot. Learn how to use apostrophes, for God's sake.

All rightie then. I'm headed for John's later, so I can fill his weekend with my aroma and misty rainbows. :-D

All kidding aside, my thoughts are with those whose lives have been turned upside down by the earthquake and subsequent tsunami. Feeling gratitude for the peace around me today.

Have a great weekend, y'all.

 
 
 

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 2/25

Yippee! It's Chross and CHoS day! :-D


WHAT did you just say to me?





















First up:

well it nice coming accross your profile and i think it really intresting... You want to be treated right. You want to be valued and understood. You want to be free to express yourself and you understand the world around you. You are strong and pasionate, intense and gentle. You are attracted to a man I will like to know more about you.here is my e-mail adres

(yawn) And how many women did we send this to today?

i cant beleave how hot and sexy you are in your photo i love it so much.nothing is as nice as you nothing.you are like so hot.the pleasure in you is so feels beautyful .....you seem like such a cool lady ,i know im maybe not your typ but i had to say this anyways either way.

(wrestling open the Advil bottle) Maybe not my typ? Honey, you're definitely not my typ.

This one's from a guy who noticed I have pictures of broken implements:

As a hobby I make paddles of different types and different materials. If you look at my pictures is a small sample of what I do. I makes some of birch plywood that won't break, even on the hardest ass....

You makes? Good for you, Popeye. But I yam not interested.

I think you have a great smile and a perfect - - - thought I was going to say "ass" didn't you, great bottom. Would love to be able to caress and feel both, before spanking the ladder.

Ouch! Better sand that ladder first or you'll get splinters.

And if I didn't think I was going to hell before, I sure do now:

wat a desperate look all of u sinful funky its shall all fall oneday for u all are plagues of moral distruction

(laughing) Ah, yes, I am a plague. Every time I open my mouth, locusts fly out. My dear, if you think my li'l old spanking fetish is the cause of moral distruction [sic], you need to get off your knees and get out more. And your first stop should be night school to take Remedial English.

Nothing like a good snark to start off the weekend! I admit, I'm a little out of sorts today, feeling prickly and hard-edged. John was supposed to have today off... not only does he not have today off, but he is working tomorrow morning as well. So I'm not going to his place tonight. It's not that I'm upset about staying home this evening -- it's going to be rainy and cold anyway. But I'm worried about him. All that stuff he said about turning over a new leaf and not working so hard seems to have fallen by the wayside. I guess once a workaholic, always a workaholic? (sigh) I know that fretting over him changes nothing and just annoys him, so I need to stop.

So I try to distract myself and go on FetLife last night, attempting to have some fun, and all I see on the activity feed are graphic, gross and extreme photos, with severely thrashed bottoms, tops bragging about having made them that way, and other bottoms oohing and ahhing over how pretty they are. You know... I wish I could understand this. I wish I knew why it offends me so. I mean, these are clearly consensual scenes and the bottoms aren't upset about them. So why should I be? Ack. Perhaps I should stay off FL for a little while and clear my head. When I'm in judgment mode, I know I'm a bit off and I need to be quiet until it passes.

Tomorrow will be fine -- John and I will be seeing an old friend for dinner and catching up, so that should be fun. And then before I know it, it will be Monday again. :-)

I leave you with a baffling search keyword phrase I found in my stats this morning:

a.full.epasoad.of,spankings

Say it with me, kids -- WTF??????

Have a great weekend, y'all. :-)