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Friday, April 8, 2011

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 4/8

It's Spring, and the idiots as well as the flowers are popping their heads up once again. Enjoy.

Can you like animalsex ???

I dunno, can I? If you're talking about f***ing like bunnies, then yes. If you're talking about actually f***ing the bunnies, then go away.

“Nipple play”...I like a woman who loves’s it, and wants it. Would love to explore your nipples and figure out what makes you go crazy.

Uh... where in any of my spanking ads were you able to infer that I loves's nipple play? I don't; I hates's it.

I will spank you into submissionl. You are hot your Master knows that. I just would like to become worthy of being in your circle. Very respectful single clean shaved 8" available anytime for you.

You want to be worthy? You can start by not announcing the length of your shlong to a perfect stranger.

And here's my favorite, clearly written by a one-handed typist:

I want to take you from behind, that’s my favorite especially I want to dominate you from behind, with my large hands wrap around your throat. The variety of what can be done from behind is so great; it can open up new pleasure centers and different angles of penetration. I like it all, standing up while our hips grind together, fully embraced with my hands cupping your breasts and pinching your nipples. I want to grab your ass checks sticking it straight in the air so I can penetrate you from a steep angle like a jackhammer, flexing my knees and thighs every time I thrust all the way deep into you’re wetness. I than want you just lying down, on your stomach, legs spread wide and continue to enter slowly and deeply from behind then wrap my warm (hot) body around yours, biting and kissing the back of your neck, whispering dirty thoughts into your ear again and again, tightly embracing your arms so our bodies are one, watching your face change between the smile and tensions of ultimate pleasure every time I slide in and out of you.

There were several more paragraphs of this drivel, but I chose to spare you. This gives you the general idea.

A few random thoughts:

1. My ass doesn't have checks. I prefer polka dots.
2. If I wanted to have sex with a jackhammer, I'd buy one at Home Depot.
3. Are you warm, or are you hot? Make up your damn mind.
4. If I'm lying facedown on the bed, how can you watch my face change?
5. You just want our bodies to be one so you can share my brain, as yours (or should I say you'res) is clearly deficient.

Thanks to everyone who participated in my food rant blog. It always tickles me to see the amount of responses I get on those. And finally, thank you to A Voice In The Corner for choosing mine as Blog of the Week. :-)

Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. Nada to the nipple exploration! THAT'S pain/annoying ticklishness I hate.

    Did you get the memo? Home Depot is running a month long special...It's a double your pleasure deal. Buy 2 jackhammers for the low price of $69.00. And you get your very own ceramic bunny landscaping decoration for Scott free!

  2. The last guy sounds like he thinks sex is a combination of DIY Video and a Tae Bo workout. At least he's original.

    As for your food rant. I have to say I will try anything once. But then again my favorite sandwich is Roasted Tongue with Dijon Mustard on Raisin Pumpernickel Bread.

    And just a reminder to everyone. Easter is coming up so you should reserve a bunny now if you are looking for a good time.


  3. Hello my dear Erica, what a bunch of bloody idiot's, ASS CHECKS hehehe LOL, How in the hell can a person fuck a bunny thats totally disgusting and impossible, maybe next the morons will say to fuck a dog a cat or a horse UGH, what sick minds. they are so desperate they would probably try fucking a doll hehehe, wishing you and John a wonderful and fun weekend, Love you from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  4. Kelly -- LOL! No, I must have missed that memo, clever girl.

    Jon -- you know, I once saw a whole tongue boiling in a pot. Never ate the stuff again.

    Jade -- well... they actually do have dolls for that purpose, but we won't go there. :-)


  6. Omg, what is sad is that you probably have to wade through a lot of these message just to narrow down a few choice idiots. Gotta love Flife. Lol.

  7. Lea -- yup, these are the best of the best! And here's the latest -- someone wrote to New Guy on FetLife and said he wants him to video my feet and armpits. Uh... no, that's not on the menu, Mr. Bizarro.

  8. OMG.. now they are emailing NG! Did they sign that email as "Cecil B. Demille"? ROFLMAO

    You get some of the funniest damn notes! I'm 'almost'..ashamed to say I'm so jealous! LOL

  9. He is not worthy! He is not worthy!

    Mr. One-hand's writing wasn't too bad, punctuation-wise. I saw a semicolon! I prefer to concentrate on the mechanics of his writing; it takes my mind off his mechanics in the sack.

    I agree with Zelle - how come I don't get funny stuff like that in my inbox?


  10. Hey! I thought I had done a damn good job of writing that drivel!
    Damn...I'll have to try again...

  11. Zelle -- as I recall, you get plenty of your own crap like this! LOL

    Hermione -- I agree that semi-colons are a rarity. But it was still error-riddled. "Than I want you to..." Than??

    Emily -- to write really good drivel, you have to be a really bad writer. :-D Which you aren't!

  12. I always enjoy these posts, Erica. Thanks so much for sharing the "well-written prose you receive" (read that: pure insanity) with us. This post made me laugh, which was much needed tonight.

  13. Lizzie -- always happy to make a friend laugh. :-)

  14. A long overdue response: WTF???

    I just do not understand, as I always say.

    I can't imagine the scenario. Do these dudes write up one of these missives and cut and paste again and again in the hopes that something will actually work?

    I worked with a guy many moons ago who had a similar strategy: he would walk up to girls in bars and say, "Do you want to fuck?" He said 99% of the time the girls said no at best, were appalled in general and once in a while slapped him or sicced a boyfriend on him. BUT! There's that 1% contingency who said, "Um, yeah. Sure." And that made it worth it for him.

  15. Craig -- there's always that 1%. But how pathetic!