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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Up, down, all around

Warning: I don't think this blog is going to be especially entertaining. Certainly not humorous, not sexy, no spanky pictures. Just me, in a strange place tonight.

Need to run something by you guys, a unexpectedly strong reaction I had to a clip I watched. I found it on FetLife, and it was a young woman being punished for texting and driving with a hard strapping/paddling.

I'm not much for harsh punishment videos, really. I'm pretty squeamish. But this one had a looooong string of comments, some of my friends had watched it, and I was curious. Also, I happen to think texting and driving is irresponsible, deplorable, and a whole lot of other -ibles and -ables. As one who has lost a loved one to a car accident, I have zero tolerance for those who treat a multi-ton vehicle like a moving entertainment center. So I figured I'd side with the top on this one.

The video was about 9 1/2 minutes long, but I only made it through a little over six minutes and had to shut it off. My stomach was in knots and I literally felt nauseated. And I felt sick and shook up for a good hour after that.

I know that a lot of people are into true discipline and punishment. I also know that harsh is relative, and what's light to one can be heavy to another and vice versa. Above all, I know this scene was 100% consensual, this woman wanted it, needed it and asked for it. It was real. But I couldn't bear it, even knowing logically that she posted it because she was proud of it and wanted people to see it.

She started to cry practically from the first strap stroke (on a white bottom; no warmup). The crying escalated to sobbing and pleading, then screaming in pain. She put her hands back frequently; he would warn her to move them, and when she didn't, he struck her hands. By the six-minute mark, her butt was trashed. It wasn't just red/purple or marked; dark pools of blood were forming and spreading under the surface of her skin, and I was terrified that the next hard strike would break the skin and send that blood flying in all directions.

I have to say the top's technique was flawless; he clearly knew what he was doing. His aim was perfect, no wrapping, etc. He was focused. But he scolded her throughout, in a loud, angry tone. No, he didn't call her names or anything, but his voice was extremely harsh. Between her screaming and his yelling, I had to turn the sound off. And finally, I just shut it off altogether.

I then read the comments... one after another, they praised the video. "Wow, that was awesome." "Now that's what a punishment should look like." "You deserved that and more." "Poor baby, you won't do that again, will you?" On and on it went; everyone thought it was great. What's wrong with me? What was I missing here? Why was I so utterly horrified?

I wanted to comment that this video was so brutal, I had to stop watching 2/3 of the way through. I wanted to write to this girl, even though I don't know her, and ask if she really was OK. I wanted to wrap her up in a big hug and protect her. Protect her? From what? She consented to it! Of course, I didn't comment and I didn't write to her. I knew I'd be perceived as judgmental and I didn't want to rain on her parade.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that I was right to react the way I did, that it sounds awful, that stuff like that is too much, etc. I don't really want validation here. I would like to understand why I reacted with such horror and revulsion, when I have taken strappings that hard. Was it her screaming and sobbing? Was it the condition of her skin? Was it that the top didn't seem at all regretful that he had to do this, that he was relishing beating her? On the other hand, for all I know, he gave her tender aftercare at the end of the video.

We all have things we don't like to watch. I just wish I knew why my reactions are so extreme. If I had been beaten as a child, I could understand that watching stuff like this could cause a flashback. But I was not.

Very strange and unsettling. Not sure where I'm going with this, but had to express it somewhere, and what better place than my own blog.

Not a good weekend. John has been off the antibiotics for a week now, but apparently they are taking a long time to leave his system. The itching and rash didn't get any better and he had such a bad week, he went back to the doctor on Friday. She gave him prescription-strength allergy meds instead of OTC this time, and a prescription-strength ointment. The meds didn't help much with the itch, but they made him hyper and even more irritable. I spent the whole weekend walking on eggshells, which backfired on me because my skittishness around him just irritated him further. I know he's miserable, I know he doesn't mean it. I tell myself over and over, wait it out, it will pass, he'll feel better soon and then things will be OK again. He'll be nicer. The man I love is still inside that angry, agitated shell.

Then other times, I wonder if it will ever be better. I feel very tired and overwhelmed sometimes. And then of course, I realize, if I'm tired, how tired is he? It's been so @#$%ing long... he first got sick toward the end of September.

Ugh. Double ugh.

Tomorrow is Monday. I will feel better tomorrow. Thank goodness for balance in life, for fun to smooth out the rough times.

Sorry for the drama. Sometimes, things suck a bit.


  1. I know the video you're speaking about. It was a tough one to watch. Let's not talk about the fact she's a hard player to begin with. Let's not talk about how excellent his placement of each stroke was, and how evenly he dispersed the whole punishment. Let's not talk about how well he kept her skin moisturized throughout (3 times I believe he put lotion on her and massaged it in, and wiped off excess).. and let's not talk about how the woman loves punishment more than funishment spankings. Therefore, this Top had to stay in serious "Disciplinarian mode" in order to get into her head, to have her mind understand this was not a fun visit.. she needed to find that "this is punishment headspace".. for it to have been an effective discipline session. She learned, not to txt n' drive. (for all intents and purposes, that was done the way these two long time players understand each other).


    You and I are totally into FUNishment spankings. I personally romanticize it, which doesn't mean I'm having sex before, during or after - due to having 'play partners'--not relationship partners .. but it just means I love everything about spanking - because it is NOT discipline. After all.. it is FUN for me.

    When I go to spanking parties, I'm around FUN people, HAVING FUN, and whether Top or bottom, they are all smiling and laughing. When was the last time you walked in on someone bawling their eyes out in a party suite due to the disciplinary spanking they were receiving? Maybe that goes on more than I see.. as I've only been to 3 really big parties.. but all I saw was a fun-loving group of smiling faces.

    I can't watch punishment videos when they go to those levels. I watched this one, because I am very familiar with the bottom (on my friends list at Fetlife) and I've seen many of the videos by this Top. I can watch role play discipline videos.. as long as they are less severe. Punishment scenes, are far from a favorite video style to watch. I go for more of the YOU and NG FUN stuff.

    that's all the rambling I'm gonna do.. but I think what I've said is understandable. Our brains are wired for all the fun aspects of spanking.. we're not wired for serious discipline of that nature.

  2. Zelle -- this is exactly the kind of reply I hoped for, because it doesn't put down the video; it just explains what it was and why I found it so objectionable.

    I just wish, I dunno... that I didn't react so strongly! I mean, I was really upset. I had to force myself not to write to her. My heart broke for her, texting or no texting. But I kept realizing, SHE WANTED THIS. This is not me. I cannot look at what others do according to my preferences.

    The weird thing is, you and I both like it hard. I mean, I've seen some of your pictures, like the one with the whip marks. Is it all about the attitude that makes it different? Because it's delivered with humor and affection along with the strictness? I love the scolding... I love to "pretend" it's real. Why would I like that, when real punishment freaks me out?

  3. If a video starts out "cold" (wham/bam/punishment/ma'am) .. devoid of "connected" emotion, devoid of the caring, devoid of the intermittent soft strokes of the hand (allowing you to process), devoid of the laughter/humor, devoid of that one smile that tells ya it's gonna be 'alright'.. well -- if a video starts that way... I'm immediately squicked out!

    Y know how we are.. we get into the "Limerence" aspects with our play partners.. that's one of the things that allows us to play as hard as we do. We truly bond with our play partners. The "air" about the room, is a whole other energy than the one in the likes of the video we saw. We feel comfortable enough to do the kidding and sassing we do with our Tops, mostly because we know it's "Funishment".. and we know how far to push before we get to the checks we can't cash. (!)

    For me.. it's all about the "connection" to the people we play with.. cause when their appears to be that love and genuine affection.. we can do the "pretend" stuff.. because our brains no it's not real.

  4. good god.. I need punished for all the damn spelling errors in that last paragraph! grrrr!

  5. (smiling) I tend to make typos too, when I'm writing about something over which I'm impassioned. Thanks, hon.

    I would imagine those two are bonded as well... they would have to be. I suspect she quite adores him and vice versa... I sure hope so, anyway.

  6. She does adore him Erica.. and not only does she rave about him.. a plethora of others he disciplines as well do the same. His primary gig is "discipline". (I watched a 'soft' video of these two we're referring to playing. Just saw it the other night as a matter o' fact, and he babies her into subspace - and his voice is all soft and Daddy-dommy.. it was like polar opposites to see it. He reads them all so well. He really understands where they are in the tolerance levels, and he'd not go to places that pushed limits.. (at least that is what everyone I've ever talked to that played with him has said)

  7. Hiya, Kid!

    First of all, the vid you're describing is gruesome indeed, and your reaction to it was exacerbated by the emotionally vulnerable mood you were in. You are a tremendously compassionate woman, born of your own past pain, and know when things have crossed the line.

    Zelle said it best; Myself, I have never been aroused at the sight of someone's behind that looked like an burned-up, split hotdog. As a matter of fact, that's really repugnant! Real, serious physical or psychological pain is not sexy. Sure, I part company with folks that think it is, and that's okay, we wouldn't enjoy each others' company, anyway.

    On top of that, the reason for the beating, crashing the car while texting, is not a subject for jest. I did one WolfieToon like that, and was sorry later that I had, because I realized that it was no exaggeration, but that kids and big people that should know better were killing themselves and innocent people. Just the same as drinking and driving.

    Plus I also find the over-jovial and callous responses to that vid you described disturbing.

    There's been a long, long discussion about "play" spanking and this level of sadomasochistic activity, and it's more than okay to say, "You know what? That's way too damn much!"

  8. You watched several minutes more than I would have. I like spanking, but a lot of it beyond my limits to take or give.

    Most that are into spanking are also vested in spanking as punishment. For some of those, no punishment is too severe to rid them of their guilt.

    As far as spanking videos go, I prefer ones like you and NG have done.

  9. I have not seen the video, but it reminds me of a problem I was going to post, but then deleted. This discussion has now inspired me to post this, and to see what others think.

    Where I live, the walls aren't particularly thin, but like a baseball player who can tell by the smack of a ball when it hits the bat whether or not it likely will be a home run ball, I know from the sound when I can hear a bare bottom being spanked with a hand. A while back, I had nice new neighbors who obviously were spankos. We could all hear them. Twice a day. They seem to be a nice couple.

    Shortly afterwards, I could hear another couple getting into spanking. I actually could imagine the conversation as they probably discussed what they heard and they realized it might be fun. I was hopeful this would continue to spread, and soon the whole world would be spanking each other in fun and happiness, but I digress...

    One evening, I heard the male of the second couple shouting. Then I heard the spanking. It was much harder and faster than even before. Soon I could hear the woman pleading that it hurt and begging him to stop, but he didn't.

    I didn't want to call the police. I can't tell with total certainty say, as I don't know them well, that this could have been a roleplaying scenario that was mutually agreed upon. We know in our scene, that happens. Yet, my gut told me that had been an abusive situation.

    I left a note after I heard the man slam the door and leave. It said something like "If you enjoy getting hit, that it fine. We are among those who understand that perfectly. Yet, if you are ever abused, there is someone you may speak with." I left the abuse hotline number.

    Now, back to the original topic. I have noticed almost all videos are disciplinary, yet I hope our scene is consensual and fun and designed for pleasure. There does seem to be a contradiction, yet as long as the roleplaying leads to consensual pleasure, I don't disagree with those who feel a scene has be played as disciplinary.

    I have had these debates with a filmmaker, who showed scenes with his girlfriend that, while consensual, one could tell he was really hurting her. That bothered me. I told them about the important of warm up and hopefully the experience became more pleasurable. But those videos still bother me.

    Does any of this apply? As usual, my train of thought went off the track way back at the airport....

  10. Well spoken Zelle!

    I've seen the video you are talking about, I couldn't watch all of it either. My spouse and I have never approached that level of punishment on either a physical or psychological level...we both appreciate a well paddled bottom, but we have fun before, during, and after {wink-wink}. At times we play very hard but I cannot feel a connection to scenes that approach that level of severe just seemed like a beating. To me a scene can lead to a hard spanking but on some level has to have some sort of fun consensual role play, because that's what it is for us.
    If someone wants to engage in that type of scene, so be it. I don't care to watch it though.

  11. While I've never been disciplined so severely, D & I have infrequent discipline sessions which don't even come close to this video but that do leave a lasting impression.

    I can't watch those kinds of videos though. The emotions that run below the surface are not visible and, instead, the video disturbs me. So even though I partake in that part of TTWD, I don't care to watch anyone else's spin on it. Being there, in that moment, is different than watching it as an outsider.

    And I believe, firmly, that things will get better. Big hugs to you.

  12. Zelle -- I will definitely defer to you on this one. You know more about this couple than I do and you are a good voice of reason.

    Dave -- I know it's OK to feel like something is too damn much... I just wish it didn't disturb me so deeply. In this scene, in any scene, one needs a degree of objectivity and acceptance, because there are so many variations. Thanks for your kind words on my compassion... yeah. I know pain, I guess.

    OBB -- I'd love to see a study of spankos, to see the approximate breakdown of how many are into it for discipline for real, and how many are sorta kinda pretend, like me. It would be interesting to find out.

    Paul -- I probably shouldn't have watched this video in the first place; curiosity got the better of me. I do stress that it was completely consensual. I guess a peak into someone else's raw vulnerability and pain was too much for me.

    Rob -- well, I don't feel quite as wimpy now that I know others couldn't get through it. After the fact, I found the same clip on SpankingTube and there were over 100 comments; some people there commented that they couldn't watch it all, or that they cried.

    Pink -- thank you. I need to believe that. Hugs back.

  13. I have never watched it and I do not think I will. I know I would have a strong reaction to it.
    I am wired for the discipline type of spankings but I think, like many people, I simply could not go to such an extreme place.
    Erica, you need whatever it is that soothes you-and I suspect that is NG. How about a massage too? And a mani/pedi? Or an evening with the girls?

    One day, when my eyes stop popping out of my head I mean to write about how I had to sit very still (but not in an upset way, rather in an awe way) after watching you and NG.

    I am sending you a British hug, which is a pat on the shoulder, but a pat that we really, really mean.

  14. I have disciplined my lil one for indiscreations , I have used a belt on her hard . HOWEVER I do not agree with brutal beating , while she has had a very red bottom and cried hard "once for drinking and driving" I have never left bruises . I guess thats the line for me . Bruises DO NOT make for a positive video for me. I dont like them and dont want to see them. To me thats not discipline , thats abuse ! so much for my 2 cents worth

  15. Hello my Erica i saw that video on spankingtube it was VERY BRUTAL YIKES the spanker is named Niko, i just wanted him to stop spanking her it was scary for me to watch, i am into punishment spankings and fun spankings but this one was way to much for me to watch :-( the way you felt about the video was normal. i don't class a spanking with blood, a horror movie yes but a spanking no. i am ALWAYS here for you my special friend :-) i think John will be in a better mood once the medicine is out of his body, from personal experience i know how he feels i had that itching problem before it drove me insane. its been almost 4 weeks since my surgery and there are days when i am moody and don't feel well. i like the kind of spankings you do with new guy i enjoy watching them when you put clips on here of them :-) i Love you big hugs from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  16. Erica, I didn't watch the video either, and won't, but I understand your reaction. As you said, the effect of everything else going on, and going wrong, has put you into a frame of mind where you notice others' suffering maybe more than you ordinarily would. Or you simply are less able to be objective about it, since as DW said, your compassion always is there.

    In any case, you have a lot of smart friends, and me too of course, who want you to be able to come to grips with this issue and get past it so you feel better. I like to think their efforts are beginning to pay off.

  17. Poppy -- British hug...LOL! You're right, some soothing and fun is in order. Wish I could do a "girls' night out," but as it happens, all my favorite "girls" live too damn far away!

    Alan -- but what about those who want and consent to bruises? They have a right to indulge their need as well. And it seems, going by the success of the harsher videos, there are plenty of people who like to watch. This isn't about what's too harsh and what isn't... it was about my reaction and my own confusion over it.

    Jade -- I hope we'll have some fun clips again for you soon. :-)

    Devlin -- I appreciate my friends so much. :-) I suppose the bottom line is, I wish I could be more objective and less reactionary about harsher scenes... but perhaps my hypersensitivity simply won't allow it.

  18. Erica...

    Like you.. I too wonder what the ratio is of "Funishment to Punishment" oriented folks.

    I wonder.. if a survey is ever done.. if the question of their childhood could come into play.

    I would like to know.. what makes people like you and I and a host of your readers enjoy spanking.. just for the hell of it.. and not for the sake of utilizing it as a real punishment in their adult life.

    People used to tell me that I was a masochist. But masochism is "someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment" -- and I obtain pleasure from receiving "funishment"! So, when I tell people.. "I am NOT a masochist" - they wonder "How can this be? When you take on pain as a means to an end?"

    Someone once told me.. "Man! I saw your pics! You have a masochistic personality!".. Well, when I look up "masochistic" - it says.. "Someone who derives pleasure or sexual gratification from being abused or dominated."

    Aaaccckkk! I get pleasure alright.. but unless I'm in a loving relationship.. there ain't no "S E X"! And I'd not do what I do (spanking) if I was being abused or dominated (in the sense they are referring to domination).

    I like a Dominant Top.. I do not like to be pushed by a man who thinks he owns me. But give me a Top with dominant tendencies.. and I melt like butter in a microwave.

    SO? We equate the pain we receive.. with a warm pleasurable glow that resonates with us, both topically and internally, at the hands of another like minded individual.

    THE PUZZLING THING HERE ERICA.. is how come two nice Jewish girls that probably harbor guilt about innumerable things (ROFL) don't need spanking to release said guilty feelings.. and yet there are others who enjoy punishment BECAUSE IT IS A WAY TO RELEASE THE GUILT..

    Truth to that rumor.. "Different strokes for different folks!"

  19. Zelle -- the bit about whether or not all spankees are masochists is a whole 'nuther fascinating topic. Some insist that I am as well, but I disagree. I don't get off on pain for pain's sake.

    LOL... and regarding guilt, this Jewish girl says "Screw guilt!" Life's too freaking short. You murder someone, or intentionally cause harm, or do godawful things to children or animals, then you can feel guilty. Everything else? Fair game. :-D

  20. Hi Erica,
    I thought about your question regarding why you felt repulsed enough to turn off this video, when in fact you have probably taken literally hundreds of spankings at this level or more. Here's my thought: I think it's the blood.
    I think that as spankers/spankees, we are constantly going up against this ever-increasing limit of what we accept as "ok" in the physical representation of a good spanking. 20 years ago, a nice juicy red-colored bottom was enough to make most of us beg for air. We could associate that with a fierce spanking that reached our upper limit. But over the years, it seems to take just an incrementally bit more to give the same satifaction. There is no doubt that spanking porn today is far more visually striking (pun intended)than spanking porn of yesteryear. But at some point, there is a diminishing returns effect as the joyous fantasy of spanking desire clashes with the frightening aversion to scenes of violence. While watching "Pillars of the Earth" miniseries the other night, I was stunned to see a graphic depiction of a man's hands being amputated (as a medeival punishment for thievery). Not only did they simulate the amputation while the man was screaming in fear, but then they gave an extra few seconds of the arms stumps as they gushed forth cinema blood. With perfect irony, the medeival crowd cheered the man's "just punishment". I say ironic because I realized that it is actually the TV viewer that desires this voyeuristic "pleasure", even though s/he would never admit to wanting to see such a thing in "real life". Of course, it's been creeping up on us for years. We started with 60's B-movie horror flicks and now we can't give the "Saw" series a good review unless it outperforms the gory glory of the last one. So, somewhere in this progression with spanking porn/erotica, we are coming to that point of diminishing returns. Are we there yet with trickles of blood on the skin? 5 years ago, a sorely black and blue bottom might have done it. 10 years ago, a nicely welted backside would be the ticket. Maybe for you, it was the blood? I can say that as a top, I very much fixate on the visual result of my spanking. I use many other cues to sense the end of a spanking, such as the bottom's comfort, the overall scene, etc... but the visual impact of the markings has a clear primary role. In my personal play life as a top, I tend to stop when those little red trickles appear, but I have become accustomed to feeling comfortable and even a bit satisfied when my spanking porn takes it there.

  21. Anonymous -- very good point. Certainly the condition of her bottom was part of it. I'll be the first to admit I'm a big squeamish baby and the sight of blood or heavily damaged flesh will freak me out. But in this case, it was more than that -- it was the spankee's distress. The crying, begging, screaming, putting her hands back even though she knew they'd be struck. That disturbed me so profoundly.

    I'm one who would LOVE to go back to the era where blood and gore were minimized as opposed to maximized... my favorite horror serial Dark Shadows kept the blood to a minimum, but it was still damn scary for its time! :-)

  22. As a follow-up to that comment, I remember a few years ago meeting a certain spanking-model celebrity in my hotel room in LA. Both our significant others were there, and though both are open-minded participants in the spanking world, neither of them were interested in play that day, so they sat back and had a fun little conversation while the spankceleb and I got right down to it. This particular bottom was/is well know for having a propensity to remain unblemished even when full-force paddle swats are applied; some have said it is a bionic bottom. In a pure hand-vs-bottom duel, her bottom knew no upper-hand. Having played with her before, and knowing what I was up against (likely a very sore shoulder and wrist), I chose a rather fiercely wooded hairbrush to try to even the playing field (clearly, this was not a role-playing session). To my suprise, even though her bottom barely reddened, there was an unmistakable drop of blood right on the sweet smacking spot. That drop changed everything for me. My bottom was in smiling sub-space (as only she can), our significant-others were chatting away with glee, and I was left to navigate my away around the uncomfortable feelings that I was developing. Many years of topping had not prepared me for this internal clash: the pure enjoyment of a fun play session with one of my favorite spanking stars versus the guilty feeling that I had done something wrong. So, I stopped to announce to the bottom that a drop of blood had formed. Thankfully, the bottom, being the amazing woman that she is, simply "brushed" it off, and the hairbrush was soon landing again with woody cracks of sound. So, I guess my first "bloody" experience was a good one. The point of the follow-up post is that the blood was only "awful" to me when I didn't have a good context for how the bottom felt; but after she reassured me that it was ok, I was able to dissociate the appearance of blood with the guilt that what I was doing was somehow violent or non-consensual.

  23. Sounds like you both handled it just right!

  24. Erica,

    I saw the same video and I thought it was over the top. I am rather new to the scene and I have been posting on another blog. I am learning about this whole area of spanking. I know that it was consentual, still I had a hard time watching. I could not quite believe what was happening I guess or I was shocked at it.

    I have seen several pictures of things that have made me wonder what on earth are these people doing to themselves by letting another do to them what seems to me to be so severe.

    I have a sense that things are getting simular to the Roman gladiator fights---the bloodier the better. Fortunatley, it isn't that extreme yet, but some of the stuff I have seen in my research is pretty brutal. Just thinking about it makes me start shaking sometimes and then I get a bit queasy. So I can understand your reaction.

    If I was engaging in anything right now, it would be play and some spanking just for the sake of spanking. I am not into DD or anything of that nature. From what I read, some of you would probably think what I can stand are simply pats on the rear! Oh well...such as it is. That is just me.

    I think you raised a very good subject for discussion. Thank you. I have learned something from it.

  25. Bonnie Jo -- by most accounts, I'm a fairly hard player. But then, hard is relative. I once did what I thought was a realllllly heavy (and wonderful) scene with a man who plays with some extremely heavy bottoms. Afterward, I asked him, on HIS severity scale of 1-10, where our scene was. He said, "For most people, that would be a 9 or 10. For me, that was about a seven." YOW.

    Don't let the heavy stuff scare you. Remember, it's YOUR scene, YOUR bottom, and you get to choose what you want and what level you wish. What others prefer is their own choice and you most definitely don't have to keep up with anyone. It's not a competition. (Keep reminding me of that, will ya?)

  26. Hi Erica,

    I won't be letting it bother me much anymore because I stay away from the really heavy stuff. Once in a while I will see something on Spanking Tube that isn't what I like so I will just turn it off.

    I appreciate you saying there is no competition---only what we want. Of course, if anyone wants to be competative, well, set it up that way. Make a game out of it. That is just not for me! I suppose some would think I was a whimp, but that is their problem. They can have what they want.

    It would be good for all of us to remember there is NO competition! There is only what we want and also what we perceive we need.

  27. For myself I lean towards loving to get punishment spankings. I haven't seen the infamous video, but know I would hate it. I never like to hear screaming, crying. or even really see tears. No way in hell do I want a top to scream at me either. I enjoy the contrast of receiving HARD spankings/paddlings that typically leave me sore and bruised (not bloodied)for days after. BUT I have tops who are extremely witty, fun and safe. None have ever delivered something I couldn't handle.

  28. Kelly -- the wit goes a long way, and a very calm and cool voice. I can take a whole lot physically, but if a top speaks to me in a harsh or angry tone, I will go to pieces.