Erica's Helpful Hints -- the Monday edition

Greetings, readers. Tonight I present some suggestions about what you might not want to do during a spanking (or maybe you might, as I did -- snicker), courtesy of New Guy and me and tonight's festivities.

When you're over his knee, it's probably not a good time to laugh at him when he calls you a smarty-pants. You might end up a smarty no-pants. (No, I can't take credit for that; he's the one who said it.)

And don't let him stick the camera in your face as your head is dangling toward the floor.

So attractive.

Even though you think your readers may be bored with the ottoman pictures week after week, be careful what you ask for. He may put you in a much more uncomfortable position.

Oh, and this probably isn't the best idea either...

When he finally lets you up from that godawful kneeling-in-chair position, it's probably not to your best interest to express your gratitude by blurting, "You suck!!"

You'll just end up in yet another position.

And when you're in this position and he's hovering over you, oh, it's soooo tempting... but resist the urge to lift your heel and verrry gently but strategically place it where it would send him through the ceiling if you were to kick. You may find yourself counting strap strokes and repeating after each one: "That was a really bad idea."

What else... oh! When he's futzing around with the camera, which means he's taking a break from smacking you, shut up about it! Don't heave a sigh and groan, "Oh, get on with it already, for God's sake."

And finally -- When he says, "Hey, I just got an idea!" don't answer, "Did it hurt?"

(Aaaaack! It's the dreaded mush-butt!)

This concludes tonight's Helpful Hints. You're welcome.

Repost: By Special Request!

Over a year ago, I posted the following entry on my old MySpace blog. (Jeeez, now that I've been here for a while, I can't believe I blogged on that site for so long. Blech!) I also put it on FetLife, but my buddy Zelle has requested that I repost this on here, for those who aren't Fet members and for my new readers who didn't see it the first time. Sooooo... if you're already seen this, my apologies, and you can blame it on Zelle! ;-)  (Kidding, honey!) And if it's new to you, hope you enjoy it.

So, without further ado, here is a repost of Proper Behavior During a Spanking: Erica Style. You can consider it another installment of Erica's Helpful Hints.

I've been reading more blogs lately. A while ago, a snippet from a DD (Domestic Discipline) blog was posted in a blog entry called This and That, a collection of snippets from several blogs. Following are five rules, according to DD/HoH (Head of Household) practitioners, for proper behavior during a spanking:

1. One must lie still during chastisement, and not attempt to wiggle out of the way of the spanking.

2. One must not try to block with her hands. This is so dangerous, especially if an implement is being used.

3. Unless you are asked a question you should remain silent, other than repentant tears and sobs.

4. Do not attempt to fight a punishment. If you are told to lie over your HOH's knee so he may begin, just do it.

5. For HOH's: lecture, lecture, lecture. This is one of the most critical things in DD. A lecture can make a difference between tears and stoic behavior.

Mind you, I am not posting these to ridicule them. Clearly, there are folks who follow these rules and believe in them. Whatever works. However, for those of us who are on the not-so-submissive side, these rules are not applicable. Therefore, as a public service, I hereby offer my own version of How To Behave During a Spanking.

1. You are not a sack of potatoes. Kick those legs. Pound the carpet/bed/couch. Squirm. Wriggle. You're going to get spanked anyway, so why make it so damned easy for the top?

2. Reaching back with your hands is not a good idea. Not because it annoys the top, but your hand might get clobbered and that really hurts. So keep them in front of you. Of course, if a wayward elbow or fist happens to connect with the top's shin, that's OK.

3. This is a spanking, not a visit to the library. You don't have to be quiet. Use your voice. Scream and yell. Fuss, cuss and whine. The only exception to this is if your top asks you to repeat some ridiculous phrase, like "Thank you, Sir." Then you should remain silent. Or improvise. If you're clever, you can make "Fuck you, Sir" sound sort of like "Thank you, Sir." They're both one-syllable words that end with k.

4. Put up a little resistance beforehand. Why should you accept your fate with such stoicism? It's going to hurt either way; at least you'll have the pride of knowing you tried to avoid it. Argue, reason, plead, refuse to cooperate. Don't remove your own clothing. If he wants anything up/down/off, he can do it himself.

5. Tops: Scold all you like. Just bear one thing in mind -- no matter what you say, all we hear is blah blah blah.

6. Bonus tip: Implements are wretched things and deserve no respect whatsoever. If one is placed within your reach, fling it across the room. If one is broken on you, gloat and cheer. If your top asks you to kiss one, blow raspberries on it.

So, what did we learn? How about a little pop quiz?

1. When a top asks you, "Why am I spanking you?", you answer: a. Because I was a bad girl, Sir. b. I don't know. c. Because you're an ass.

2. If a top says, "Stop kicking!" you: a. Stop kicking immediately. b. Tearfully plead, "But it hurts, Sir, I can't help it." c. Snap, "Stop spanking!"

3. When a top tells you to pull down your panties, you: a. Immediately pull them down, and take off your dress for good measure. b. Look at him pleadingly and say, "Please, not my panties!" c. Snap, "Pull them down yourself! Is your hand broken?"

4. If a top asks, mid-spanking, if you have anything to say, you reply: a. I'm sorry, Sir. b. Please, no more, it hurts. c. Yes. Go f*** yourself.

5. If a top bruises/blisters his hand spanking you, you: a. Kiss his hand, then promptly fetch him an implement to finish the job. b. Promise you'll be better, so next time he won't have to spank so hard. c. Laugh your head off and call him Edward Sissyhands.

I don't think I need to post an answer key -- y'all know me well enough to know what the right answers are.

No need to thank me for this PSA, folks. I am here for you.

Erica's Helpful Hints #6

Do not watch spanking videos with your top. Bad, bad move. They'll get evil ideas and you won't make it to the conclusion of the video without getting flipped over.

However, if you must take your chances and watch anyway, then for the love of God, make sure to avoid the following. When the top on the screen inevitably spouts one of those oh-so-familiar lines like "Is this getting through to you?", do NOT turn to the top beside you and ask, "Why do you tops all say the same stupid crap?"

There might very well be a spanking in stereo.



Yes, that is my butt times 2 -- in the foreground AND on the TV!
























One more thing, folks: In case you haven't heard, Brushstrokes is doing his annual Spanking Awards, and the list of 10 nominees for Best Spanking Blog of 2010 went up yesterday here. Much to my surprise and delight, I'm among them. This is the first time I've been nominated and several of my favorites are included on that list, so I am honored indeed.

Chross will win (and deservedly so); he's far ahead of the others. The poll is set up so that everyone can submit just one vote, so runner-up remains to be seen. Sooooooooo... if you like this blog, and you haven't already voted for one of my esteemed co-bloggers, show me some love and vote for me? :-) Pardon the Hollywood-ish cliché, but just being nominated is very exciting. Thanks!

Erica's Helpful Hints #5

Spankees, we've all been in this situation: You're OTK, the spanking has ramped up and you temporarily quiet down in an attempt to absorb it. And then your top crows, "No sass? Wow! I think I'm finally getting through to you!"

So smug. :-Þ

Tempting as it may be, it's probably not in your best interest to twist around, pinch his arm and say, "Wake up. You're dreaming."

It's damn fun, though. :-D

Erica's Helpful Hints #4

Just tell him that you were scratching the bridge of your nose. You're allowed to have an itch, aren't you? Well, aren't you?

That's your story and you stick to it. :-)

Erica's Helpful Hints #3

Sisters, you all know this moment. When you can sense an instant sea change, when you've taken that One Step Beyond and you're in big trouble. You see the telltale color rising in his neck, his eyes stopping you dead in your tracks, the pulse jumping along his tightened jawline.

When your butt is on the line, remember this: Tops have very short attention spans and are easily distractible. Try disarming him with your sweetest, most innocent smile.

His poor little mind will cloud over. He'll remember how angelic you can be, even though you were the devil incarnate mere minutes ago. Chances are, he'll completely forget why he was piqued with you in the first place.

There are bottoms who take the pouting/pleading route, but I don't recommend it. Granted, some girls look irresistibly adorable when they pout...

From Shadow Lane's "Keith's Girl Friday."

...However, others (raising hand) can't quite pull it off. Also, pouting can backfire. ("I haven't even touched you yet, and you're pulling that face? I'll give you something to pout about!")

But practice and perfect your best "Who, me?" face, and you may very well hear him say, "Aww, you're so cute. I just can't bring myself to punish you."

Or not.

Hey, it's worth a try.

**Bonus hint to the tops: If your spankee is anything like me, giving her that Keith Jones-esque Steel-Eye with the fingerpoint (or its companion, the solemnly beckoning finger, commanding her to come hither to her fate) will make her melt like chocolate in the sun.

Erica's Helpful Hints #2

When your top, due to vanilla obligations, can't come over to give you that special attention that you both love so much, it's a nice gesture to send him a little note, telling him that you look forward to seeing him again.

For that extra touch, you could personalize your note with a photo. One option is to attach a sweet and playful picture of yourself and your white behind, and say that you can't wait until he can put some color back into your cheeks again.

Or....

You could take the "Ha ha, I'm here and you're there and you can't do a damn thing about it" approach:

Either way, your top is sure to have a nice warm feeling. The "warm fuzzies" type from the former photo, or the simmering "wait 'til I get my hands on her" variety from the latter.

And of course, once he finally comes over, you'll have a nice warm feeling yourself. ;-) Win-win, I'd say.

Guess which approach I'd take?

Erica's Helpful Hints

One amasses a degree of knowledge after being involved with the spanking scene for fourteen years. So, whenever the mood strikes, I'm going to share a tidbit of wisdom, to do with whatever you like.

When your top says, "You're getting fifteen [or any other number] with this," it's generally not in your best interest to reply, "Fifteen? Can you count that high?"

Oh, it may be tempting. It will make you feel empowered for about two seconds. But is it worth what happens next?

You decide. :-)

By the way, his comeback to mine was, "No, but you can." Argh.