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Thursday, August 4, 2011


It's late, and I feel like talking. No one is around, so I'm just going to talk here. Y'all don't mind, do you?

The name of this blog is Life, Love and Spanking. Much of the time, I talk about the latter of the three. Sometimes about the second. Tonight, I want to talk about life. Specifically, how I struggle with it.

Settle in, grab a beverage. This might take a while.

The old expression goes: "The only things certain in life are death and taxes." Not so. There is one more thing, a certainty that happens all the time.

The "c" word. Change.

Some of you know this, some don't. I hate change. A lot. I'm not just talking about the major upheaval kind; I don't like small changes either. I don't like the unexpected, the spontaneous, the unpredictable. It's unsafe to me. It's scary.

Where does this come from, people wonder? Sure, it could be due in part to a crazily inconsistent and insecure childhood, one in which I couldn't wait until I grew up so I could control things. (ha!!) But it runs deeper than that. There's something inborn. My mother has said (many times, many ways) how, even as a baby/toddler, I would get distressed and cry when something was moved, something as simple as a figurine from one end of the table to the other. "Put it back!" I'd sob.

I suppose it doesn't really matter where it comes from. It is what it is. Some may say, "It's life; life is change. Get over it." Well, guess what. I'm going to be 54 next month. I've been to more therapists than I care to think about and I've been shrunk so many times, it's amazing that there's anything left of me. So "getting over it" doesn't seem to be an option.

Fortunately, I found someone who is a lot like me, and we co-exist in our needs for routine. We're a pair of misfits who happen to fit together. We tease each other about our various shticks and rituals. When we walk into our brunch restaurant on Sunday, our server sees us and puts in our order. She knows, because it's the same thing every week. When we go grocery shopping, I know exactly what he's going to buy. I know he's going to make the bed the minute we get up. He knows I will do the crossword puzzle every Saturday and Sunday. In ink. I know he will call me each weeknight, and approximately when.

We don't socialize very often, because we don't reach out much. Plus, we're not the types whom people can call/text in the afternoon and say, "Hey, what are you doing for dinner?" or "Want to join us? We're going to a party; we can get you in." We plan things way in advance.

Admittedly, John is better at spontaneity than I. He is better at rolling with things. Me? Like I said, the unexpected gives me hives.

Most of the time, I live my life this way and don't think about it much. But every now and then, when I'm in a down place, it hits me just how challenging my need for things NOT to change makes life at times.

Just for a small example: Most people love to travel, love to see the world, experience other cultures. I don't like to travel. Not because I don't like being at these other places, but I hate the stress of getting there. Too many unknowns. Too many things that can go wrong, that I have no control over. Too many disruptions to my regular routine.

What if something happens and I miss my flight? What if my flight is cancelled? What if my flight is delayed and I miss a connector flight later? What if they lose my luggage?

Interestingly, the one thing I don't worry about it if the plane will crash. I guess the Neurosis Fairy figured I had more than my share already.

This week, John said kiddingly, "Sweetie, the Shadow Lane party is next month. Is it just about panic time?" He can tease me about it. I know he does it with love. And he's the one who has to deal with my pre-party craziness.

Is it about the party itself? No, not so much, although I'm always nervous before these things. So what's the problem? We don't have to fly. Ah, but it's a long drive to Vegas. Several hours, a few hundred miles. Again, a lot of unpredictables.

What if we get in a car accident? What if there's a SigAlert on the 15 and we get stuck for hours? What if the car dies? What if, what if, what if.

It's much easier to just stay local and never go anywhere. Ironically, my stove hood and refrigerator are plastered with magnets, from all over the country, the world. Aside from a few (New York, Connecticut, Las Vegas, and a couple of other states), they've all been given to me by other people. I collect them, but I don't go to the places.

I have a friend who travels a great deal for his work, all over the world. He can be going to the United Arab Emirate, China or England at any given time, often with little notice (and I have magnets from several of those places, from him). He spends (seemingly) half his life on a plane. And he loves it. He thrives on it. It's all about adventure for him, new things, new people, new foods, new surroundings. I'd rather endure root canal without anesthetic on a daily basis.

I often joke about how I'd like to move to Seattle eventually, because I love the rain and cloudy days, and I get so very sick of California heat and crowds and high prices and so forth. Who am I kidding? I've lived in CA all my life. I've lived in the same apartment for 20 years. I freak out if my frozen yogurt store closes -- like I'm really gonna uproot my whole life?? Right.

Like I said, most of the time, I don't think about this stuff. But sometimes... sometimes, I wish I were a different sort of person. More adventurous. More curious. More willing to roll with changes, to let things flow, to be open to life rather than afraid of it. A person whose comfort zone isn't so damn small.

John says I am adventurous in my own way -- look at all I've done within the spanking realm. True, that. I've done a lot of very cool stuff in the last 15 years. But here's the weird part; it's ALL within the spanking realm. It's all Erica Scott.

Last week, there was a thread on FetLife asking, "What's the most interesting thing you've ever done, outside of spanking/the scene?" Hmm. Let's see. I was a call-in on the Dr. Phil show... no, that was spanko related. I participated in a bullwhip demo with a renowned whip artist. Again, scene. I've written two books, written video scripts, performed in them... whoops, that's spanking stuff again. Outside of my spanking adventures, I could not think of one single thing that was interesting, that was worth relating.

A former spanking model once said to me, "I wish I'd never heard of [her scene name]." How sad to feel that way. I love Erica Scott. She is the best of me. She is motivated by something she loves and craves to be adventurous and courageous. I guess I wish Erica [real last name] were that courageous in day-to-day life, facing the inevitable ups and downs. The changes. The losses. The stuff that is life.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's a relief to get it out of my head. Maybe someone will relate to me. Thanks for reading, anyway. This is where my mind goes sometimes, late at night.

They say it's good to be self-aware, to recognize one's foibles and weaknesses. They say the truth will set you free. I'm still waiting for it to stop making me cry.


  1. Erica, I can relate to that in so many ways. I too get stressed when I travel, even if it's an hour's drive. Ron and I are routine people, and rarely do anything spontaneously. Lucky we found each other.

    Change can be very scary, and I'm approaching a huge one.


  2. Thanks for posting this frank account. I don't know if it will be helpful to you or not, but it may help me relate to people I meet. When I have suggested to someone that we do so-and-so and what I see in their eyes is fear; I need to keep in mind that are not reacting to me, but to the fear of the unknown I have suggested.

    Apologies for sentence construction/grammar. I don't see my errors, but I am sure you will.

  3. I can related. In fact, you pretty much summed up my feelings on change and adventure exactly. It's like you're in my head. I think it's healthy to push the boundaries we set for ourselves. Not all the time, but occasionally. We may love being in a rut, in a predictable pattern, but it's good to force one's self to peek out from time to time and see how the other half (the adventurous half) lives.

  4. I was tickled to hear you honoring the cruciverbalists by using ink instead of pencil. ;)

    I'm a creature of habit, prone to spontaneity at times. I like the comfort of knowing that things will be the same every time. Yeah.

  5. As someone who's spent a whole lot of time playing 'Worse Case Scenario', I completely identify (imagine that) with your words. Travel makes me somewhat crazy, yet I do it near-constantly because I love the Being There. Change makes my skin crawl, yet I live a highly changeable lifestyle.

    I've tried the opposite, and it doesn't work for me either. It seems that running up against discomfort is the most viable option, even when it's exhausting(exhilirating).

    P.S. Don't go giving Erica Scott all the credit. You've done something that she could never pull made HER.

  6. I've known of your aversion to change for a while. And I know that you waited 38 years for your first taste of the spanking scene. I am in awe of how that woman somehow put herself out there as much as you have to become Erica Scott. It's impossible not to be impressed when you think about it.

    You're aversion to change is one of the quirks that makes you YOU. I think it is so cute to see a blog post from you about something that changed or moved and how much it disrupted your life (like your preferred treadmill being out of commission at the gym). What I love even more is seeing a post from you the very next day about one of your videos or reporting about a session (with pictures – something most people are terrified to do). The dichotomy of the real Erica is beautiful! You wouldn’t be the same without it.

  7. Erica, I can totally relate to you about everything you just wrote, I hate change it scare's the hell out of me :-( I been having those day's alot lately where i am VERY moody and sad, I wonder why bad thing's happen to good people it just isn't right. I want my life the way it was but deep down inside i know it can never be the way it was cause of circumstances and cause of cruel fake people :-( I can't stop crying either, my heart always gets me into trouble. I Love everything about you Erica your BEAUTIFUL inside and out, Love you sending you big hugs always from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  8. Hermione -- are you? I hope you will share, so we can offer support.

    OBB -- yeah, I get that "deer in headlights" look a lot too. Whenever John sees it, he'll intone, "She does not like this. This is different. This is new." Helps me lighten up, knowing he understands.

    Anonymous -- I don't mind pushing my own boundaries, when I'm well prepared to do so. What throws me is when life decides to do so for me. (sigh)

    NV -- WOW. I had to look up "cruciverbalist." What a fantastic word.

    Dana -- the more I learn about you, the more I am convinced that you are my long-lost (and much younger) sister. :-)

    Katerina -- dichotomy is a good word. I like it much better than schizoid. Yeah, you go way back with me through the MySpace days, don't you... I guess my hating change is one thing that never changes!

  9. Jade -- you were writing as I was writing. Sweetie, please don't cry. I'll stop if you stop, OK?

  10. I don't think you are alone in not liking change, I certainly don't, with little things or bigger things. And hey, you can never underestimate a good frozen yogurt shop. :-)

    (Had to go back and edit this. My Captcha word was "yogist". Close enough. Lol.)

  11. Lea -- and yet, there are so many who enjoy change, seek it, thrive on it. That's the part that makes me feel like I'm on the wrong planet sometimes.

  12. Erica,

    Yes, there are a lot of people who love change and thrive on it. But NOT everybody! I think there are more who do not like change than there are who thrive on it. Then there are some who are in the middle of the equation. All are from the same planet, LOL

    I bet everybody has felt they are on the wrong planet at times. After all, we are all in the same boat called Earth and there are no two alike, even identical twins have differences. Yet, we all have some of the same hopes and fears, desires, and needs for something that represents security and safety.

    You are not alone. I know you probably feel that way a lot, as I have much of the time, and I found out I wasn't alone. One of the things that helped me realize that was you and your blog.

    Accept that you are somewhat of a loner (nothing wrong there) and you don't like change. It's ok.

  13. I don't know if it helps (maybe not at all), but many people who DO those 'adventurous' things are also scared silly! I'm someone others might call 'adventurous' because I do things on a whim, fly sometimes on a weekly basis, have new ventures etc... and sometimes I am frozen with panic, wondering if this will be THE flight where it all goes terribly wrong, etc etc...

    That aside, you find the routines and habits in everything, including flights or car trips, hotels, reading a specific magazine, a workout. I believe this is the great appeal of places like Starbucks or (gag) fast food. You find one anywhere and bam familiarity. I have a soft, cozy travel blanket and I wrap myself in it and suck on pretzels and tell myself it's okay. Without those two things, I'm as good as stuck at home :)

    Whether I'm feeling adventurous or wanting to curl up in a ball for a month, whenever I WANT to do something that seems impossible just because it's new territory, I know that's exactly why I have to. Dealing with change is a muscle you have to exercise... it'll hurt less as you build up, even if you never LIKE using it.

    Not wanting to do something in the first place is a completely different story... :)

  14. Bobbie Jo -- thanks. I don't really mind being a loner so much. The change thing causes me a lot of anxiety, though. Some days more than others.

    Liv -- I've never thought of dealing with change as a muscle. That's an interesting perspective. I can certainly relate to exercising (and not liking it). :-) Thank you for your input!

  15. I will be just fine with travelling when I can be instantly transported there like in Star Trek. I like the cozy security of my home also. I feel safe, but have to get spanked. So I travel for now.

    Thing is, I hardly ever think of bad what if this happens or bad what if that happens. I just hate carrying stuff and packing. Blah!

    And i can't sit down too long, so long trips make me crazy. I need to stretch my legs.

    I hate change too, but expect it every ten years. About the same duration as the housing market and stock market changes normally.

    Life is a rhythm of changes, you just have to accept it, not resist it and it will be less traumatic. Sounds like the directive of the Borg. Resistance is futile. Sounds kinda like what a Top would say. Hey, well us brats are not going to take it. Giggles.

    I am delirious. Good night.

  16. Erica, have you seen this:

    you're not wrong, you're an introvert!

  17. Bree -- I have often commented about how I wish teleportation were a reality. But then again, that would mean that the CHoS perverts could teleport themselves right into my living room. Ack.

    Anonymous -- very cool article, thank you! I've known for a long time that I am an introvert. According to Myer-Briggs, I am an ISFJ. That part doesn't bother me quite as much. What throws me is the fear/hatred of changes and the unexpected -- it makes life challenging, to say the least.

  18. No Erica, They would not be able to transport into your living room. Didn't you watch Star Trek? Your cannot transport through a force field unless the other party lets you. Geesh!

  19. Erica, I totally agree with you about travel. Where's the fun, when planes are like city buses now, the security procedures are awful, and the costs are so steep? I'm much happier in my own home, with my own stuff. I keep seeing people who blather on about 'adventure'--well, unless you're trailblazing in the Brazilian rainforest, I really don't consider most of their travel experiences all that 'adventurous'. So you shouldn't feel the least bit bad about your preferences--they're just as worthy as someone else who spends a small fortune for two weeks away, living out of a suitcase.

  20. Hi Erica, what you describe sounds quite familiar! Like you I need my structures and don't like changes very much, especially if they destroy my original plans. In order to feel comfortable and not to waste too much energy but also not to miss out all the fun, I always try to find a mixture that works for me, though. That means I make a lot of plans and I've got my to-do lists. But at the same time I try to leave some space in between the tasks where I am open for spontaneous stuff. Sometimes that works quite well, sometimes it doesn't.

    By the way, Ludwig and I will be at SL, too! Which means flying to the US from Germany, getting to the party with a rental car and so on. Consequently I'm totally busy right now because there are so many things that have to be finished before we start. Again I'm trying a mixed strategy, though. Flights, hotels, car and party tickets are already booked. I've got a packing list, we will be at the airport early enough, I've checked how long the trip to Las Vegas will probably take and so on. Everything else is beyond my influence, though, and I try not to worry too much about it. If an unexpected problem occurs, we will have to deal with it spontaneously. I always tell myself that as long as no one becomes seriously ill, looses their job or home or dies, there will always be a way of dealing with things. So, I hope to meet you at SL! I hope you don't mind if Ludwig and I say hi (in case we see you at the party)?!

  21. MB -- I like how you think. :-)

    Kaelah -- Mind? Are you kidding? I'd feel bad if you didn't! Wow... now that's a long trip. Sounds like you have it well planned out, though.

  22. Hmmm, it's been a while since I commented or visited your blog due to my life. Sorry for that. It's odd, but I feel like the only Erica I have ever known is the one that is not part of the spanking realm. I know that you do a lot of courageous things every day, so what if you can't think of ONE significant thing that you feel you can share. What is this business of you joining twitter and not following me? I'm going to get a complex.

  23. Juju -- I didn't know you were on there, honey!

    Talk about brave -- I could never, EVER, not in a million years, do what you did this year... just pick up, move to another state, take a new job, new home... you would have seen me on the 11:00 news.

  24. Sometimes your "ruminating" blogs are so melancholy to me they make me want to hug you. Which I'll gladly do. At Shadow Lane. Oh, and give you the refrigerator magnets I've been accumulating for the last six months or so...

  25. Craig -- yay, magnets!

    I look forward to seeing you. :-)

  26. Wow.
    I don't think I could write anything here that would do justice to this piece of prose, but I had to let you know that I really needed to read it.

    I just graduated from college in May, and as a person who also fears change, and gets anxious when people don't 'put it back where it was' (though albeit, someone who loves to travel), its been very difficult. I went from 16 years of school... to the great unknown. My plan? Run back to school as fast as I can and stay for the PhD! lol. Its all I know, and I don't know if I am brave enough to take advantage of all the wonderful "opportunities" I have "ahead" of me.

    But anyway, shutting up about me- that's why I have my own blog, lol. There is something constructive I can say. And that is that you aren't the girl who wishes she never heard of her scene name. I'm happy to be Princess Kelley and not Kelly (real last name) all the time. Because in reality they are the same person. You don't do this for a living, and you don't have to, and you should be proud of that. It means you can keep your own identity even in what you do that is spanking related. You don't play a role or pretend to be someone you're not.

    Yes sometimes its good to branch out, but spanking is not a job, spanking is not a career, spanking is something we enjoy, and are lucky enough to have been able to pursue in a positive manner. Its part of who we are as people, and I hope that you continue to embrace that and to share with everyone.


    (PS. stats always go way down in the summer. I've been doing videos lately even and still- way down, lol. :))

  27. Kelley -- wow... I graduated 30 YEARS AGO in May! I do remember that feeling of "now what? Oh... I have to be a grownup." Blech!

    I have been very lucky in the fact that I could allow Erica Scott to be purely about fun and adventure, and any money was whipped cream and cherries. She lived within me for way too long and I have had the time of my life letting her out. My wish now is that I could bring a bit more of her sense of adventure into other parts of my being. :-)