PLEASE NOTE: This blog contains adult subjects and content, and because of Google/Blogger's recent nonsense, I HAVE MOVED TO WORDPRESS. For my enlightened friends who wish to visit me in my new home, it's Please bookmark it!

The rest of you? Please take your judge-y selves somewhere more wholesome, like here:

Go on.... shoo!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Off-Topic Rant: The Gym Edition

Oh, come on -- you didn't think this hearts and flowers business was going to last forever, did you? :-)  Besides, I haven't done one of these for a long time.

It's no secret that, while I adore certain individuals, people en masse generally get on my nerves. I really do need to discover Erica Island one of these days. But until then, I will continue to have my space invaded by people who annoy me. And what better place to find an eclectic collection of bothersome folks than at one's gym?

I may be a novelty, but I don't go to the gym to socialize and hang out. I want to get in, do my thing and go home. But even though I may seem to be in my own little world, plugged into my iPod, I am always aware and observing. And several obnoxious types cross my path on any given day. Here are just a few.

The Multitaskers (AKA "I'm too damned important to unplug for an hour")

You know the type. They have their cell phone with them all through their workouts. They're yammering away while on the treadmill. They sit and text while on a piece of equipment you're waiting to use. They're shouting in the locker room. I've got news for you guys: You are not the @#$%ing President of the United States. You're not so indispensable that you can't shut off your damn phone for an hour or so.

The Sweathogs

Self-explanatory. They can't be bothered to bring a towel, and they are oblivious to the paper towel dispensers throughout the gym. Folks, I commend you for working hard, truly I do. But that doesn't mean I want to use equipment that's glistening with your drippings.

The Muscleheads

Ah yes -- how can we miss these guys? The big macho bruisers with biceps the size of Volkswagen Beetles, spewing testosterone all over everything within ten feet of them. If you want to use a particular piece of equipment and they're on it, you might as well forget about it and move on to something else -- they're probably only up to the 15th of their 50 sets.

Muscleheads often fall into one or both of the following subgroups:

1. The Weight Slammers. You know, the men who feel the need to SLAM the weights or the machines with a loud CRASH when they're done. If they're on the second floor, the ceiling of the story below them cracks. And they often do their thing directly below the posted sign that reads: "Please do not drop the weights."

2. The Screamers/Grunters/Groaners. No doubt you've heard them. "Hear me roar -- I am strong and I am EXERTING MYSELF!!" Some of them sound like they're being tortured; others sound like they're having an orgasm. And yet others sound like they need more fiber in their diet. Oh, shut the hell up. You're lifting a weight, not giving birth.

The Bored Housewives

These tend to be a morning/early afternoon feature. They come to the gym, ostensibly to work out, but end up standing around in clusters, exercising nothing but their jaws. Loudly. And they often block things you want to use, so you have to interrupt their yammering to get past them and suffer their glares of indignation.

Oh, pardon me, ladies. If I bring you some coffee and pastries, will you move your yappy asses somewhere else so I can get to the leg press?

What brought on this rant, you might ask. My last gym visit, that's what.

I chose my elliptical trainer carefully, avoiding the cell-phone users. One-third of the way into my workout, a woman I recognized as The Hip-Hop Queen took the elliptical next to mine. Oh, crap.

She is a big woman, loaded down with stuff (her water bottle, cell phone, iPod, book). Her warmup is fine, non-obtrusive. But once she's into it, she really gets into it. She starts doing a whole routine on the elliptical, complete with head rolls and snaky arms wildly waving about. She sings. She snaps her fingers and claps her hands.

It is @#$%ing obnoxious.

I turn my head to the side so all her gesticulating doesn't enter my peripheral vision, and I'm OK for a little while. But then the loud fingersnapping and popping starts up, and I think I must go mad.

It's just a few minutes out of your life, Erica. Ignore it. Focus on what you're doing.

Snap. Snap. Snap.

Live and let live, Erica. She's not bothering you.

Pop. Pop. Pop.

Oh yes, she damn well is. No! Stoppit. Tune her out. Think about nice things. Think positive, benevolent thoughts...

Snap. Snap. Snap.

OK, if she snaps those fingers one more time, I'm going to break them.

Clap. Clap.

Ugh. Go back to the snapping.

Are people really that oblivious? Do they not realize that others can actually hear and see them? I mean, I like my music too. But I enjoy it silently. The most I'll do when I'm really into a song is mouth along to the words. I do not sing. Why? Because I'm fully aware that, while I'm hearing thumping drums, wailing guitars and harmonizing voices, others around me will only hear my disembodied and off-key singing, and I wouldn't be that inconsiderate.

It's no wonder why, on certain gym days when I'm simply not in the mood for any of this, I haul the free weights out of my closet and work out in my living room. Thank goodness for the anti-socialite's options.

Rant over. I feel much better . Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get ready... to go to the gym. :-)


  1. Then there's the guy that lifts his weights with his back and arms, looks like he is trying to do some kind of new dance, all the while he really isn't strengthening his arms one bit. Oh, but he thinks he is even when others have told him he is doing it wrong.

    Yeah, the gym thing. Been there, done that, need to get back to it.

  2. Bobbie Jo -- ah, yes, the Bad Form. The ruptured disk/blown-out knee waiting to happen. I have to look away from those; they make me cringe.

  3. Hehehe bhahaha your so funny my Erica :-) when you said if she snaps those finger's one more time I'm going to break them hehehe, i just about fell to the floor laughing. i would feel the same way as you did, why do people have to be so damn annoying UGH. while heading to the store today the ape smacked me very hard in the arm to get my attention, i got angry and i punched her very hard back in the arm hehehe, she started yelling at me then she said you little she almost said Bitch but didn't, we know she's the bitch not me, she is VERY ANNOYING as well. I Love You big hugs from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  4. Jade -- people are annoying because 1) they have no self-awareness, or 2) they are aware, but they don't care. :-)

  5. Yes...and then there are those girls who get totally dolled up just to go to the gym: full make-up, hair perfectly coiffed, never intending to break a sweat.

    I'm not jealous. I swear I'm not.

  6. Used to be you got dressed up to go to town. :-) Not anymore... I think those are the ones that are shopping. As if the gym is a "meat market". ROFLOL They just might as well go to a bar!

  7. ROFL!!

    WHO writes the best rants? (Jumping up on the table and crooning) "On-lee YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!"

  8. Pink -- I've seen a few of those as well. Designer workout clothes, too. I confess, sometimes I wear makeup to the gym too. But only because I don't want to scare people.

    Bobbie Jo -- my gym, fortunately, doesn't have that "meat market" feel. But I've seen some others like that.

    Wolfie -- (giggling) Glad you liked it.

  9. Erica,

    LOL! Now that's a funny post! You're so sweet when you rant! You should do it more often.

    You left a group out: they're called the PTAers. I used to be one. So now you're wondering what PTA stands for, right?

    If you're a good closet-case masochist like me, you'd be always finding ways to torture yourself when not getting beat at the local dungeon. That's where PTA comes in, which means Pain, Torture, Agony. It's real simple and you don't even need implements. All ya got to do is super set every exercise, run each set into the ground, and keep going until your muscles burn. Sound like fun? It does wonders for the waist and about everything else I can think of except your sanity. And the best part is it feels so damn good when you stop!

    XOXO Annapurna

  10. Annapurna? I'm sweet when I rant?? Now that's a first.

    Nope, I'm not a PTA. I'm a PITA. ;-)

  11. OH now this was funny as hell! I see all those yahoos you mentioned! ROFL .. I try to not look at them.. cause then they think you are engaging them in conversation. ROFL .. My gym attire consists of.. "sweats that camouflage thunder thighs, a t-shirt that covers the hips, shades that cover the eyes, ball cap that hides the gray, .. and, the only thing that makes me feel "hip".. is my Zumba dance sneaks .. which I do everything in.. LOL

    You give good rant... LOL

  12. Zelle -- must not make eye contact. MUST NOT. :-D

  13. I love your rants Erica. Makes me want to go to the gym just for the laugh.


  14. LOL!!
    At least you still do go to the gym, I have given up on that a long time ago. My irritation levels are unable to stand the onslaught.

    The last time I was in a gym, I realised when I stuck a waste basket under the nose of the gum chewing, bubble blowing idiot next to me, and barked, "Spit", which he duly did (?? lol), that maybe it is not good for my or their safety to go to gyms..

  15. OMG RAVEN! That comment was so funny I nearly spewed my morning coffee all over my laptop! LOL

  16. I am so with you.
    That is why I prefer running, no one near me and no one to make me have to punch them.
    I loathe other humans in the gym. I am fine if they just do their thing and they let me do mine. But all those groups, the sweaters, the machine hoggers and the other day- someone tried to chat me up. I swear to God I look like I am almost dead at the gym. Redheads do not look sexy when they work out and this man chatting to me (his opening line when I was doing some arm lift weighty thing was "Hi, what are you up to?" Sigh) and wanting a little sexy repartee.
    I am having a gym built in my garden this year. I have the elliptical and the treadmill- just got to get the weights machine and the space. Feel free to bob over- we can do a rota and will not even see each other.

  17. I am aware I gushed that. But your rant inspired my rant.
    I was powerless in the face of a rant.

  18. Ronnie -- I'm so glad people enjoy these rants. They're fun to write. :-)

    Raven -- you didn't! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Poppy -- "Hi, what are you up to?" ??? "I'm taking a bath. What the hell does it look like I'm up to?" Sheeesh.

    I do understand the running thing. But I confess, I prefer the great indoors. Climate control and all that. Trade-offs...

  19. Love the topic of the day...Just a few days ago, this jerk-off who monopolizes one of the multi-functional weight machines was on there for over 40 minutes. With his grimy white towel draped on one side he'd walk away, go to the fountain, pace-scratch his ass (kidding), etc. I watched while on my cardio machine the Arc trainer.Anyhow, since this was at least the 3rd time in a month he did this, I marched right over when I wanted to use it. He happened to have been on his 11th or 12th hiatus and actually had the balls to walk up directly behind me itching to get back to work. Of course I ignored him and eventually he walked away again.

    Today was senior citizen B.S. hour. Several men were there working out their jaws instead of using any other muscles. I am very devoted to my fitness and deal with a weekday time crunch so unless my best friend is there on weekends, I disengage from everyone else.

  20. Kelly -- yup... the Seniors sort of blend in with the Bored Housewives at my gym, when it comes to jaw-working. Why bother? Go to freaking Starbucks!

  21. I agree fully with this post , kinda like going to the county fair . Never know what you will see next :-D I wil admit to loking at the scantily clad housewives and having a strong desire to paddle the the "chat" out of them though ! LOL

  22. Hello Erica, While I can form a pretty good image of the hip hop queen in my mind. I really think you should invest in a super spy pen camera and a youtube account so we all can share your pain.Or maybe you could start you own web channel reality gym show with all your fav characters and Richard Simmons as a host .

  23. @cruelestintention .. haha!! BRILLIANT! And this is where GOOD IDEAS get started! (and the potential litigation) hahaha! BUT THAT show would be a damn hoot! rofl .. BUT it wouldn't catch on.. UNLESS Erica was a host.. and maybe a guest appearance by Richard Simmons.. haha.. he's into spanking anyhow.. ROFL

  24. ci -- it's definitely a fun idea! But Richard Simmons?? (shuddering) I actually met him, maaaaany years ago. Guess what? He's just as creepy in person!

    Zelle -- yup; instead of calling it The Biggest Loser, it could be The Biggest Idiots. Of course, that title wouldn't distinguish it from any other reality show. (snort)

  25. Erica.. have you ever heard of a "GYMkhana"? It's a meet at which riders and horses display a range of skills and aptitudes in 'timed' events.

    I can see your show being called:
    "GYMkan't-ah":.. A meet at which ditzes and dorks display a range of moronic social skills and ineptitudes while not really working out.

  26. I've got a few more:

    The Dater: Hanging out at the gym just to try to hook up with someone and uses equipment as their home base to scam on guys/girls.

    The Old Timer: So old and so slow that one set on a machine could take 20 minutes. Oblivious to others. Snails are faster.

    The Texter: Younger than The Multitasker, The Texter uses their phone to communicate between sets--but because they enter into "epic" conversations, their rest times last 20-30 minutes--utterly oblivious to the needs of other members.

    Then there are individuals I encounter that aren't really part of a group or stereotype. I have names for these specific people:

    The Howler: He's an older guy who clears his throat when he gets sweaty but this is so loud as to drown out Harley Davidsons. I've actually seen women almost fall off the treadmill next to him when he does this.

    The Singer: This guy wears his iPod and watches the TV on the treadmill and gets so into his 70s Soft Rock playlist he begins singing out loud at full volume. I know this guy knows he's doing it, too, because I see him always look around the room to see if anyone is looking at him when he does it, and he only does it when the staff member in the cardio room steps out.

  27. Craig -- for whatever reason, my gym doesn't get The Daters. But it does get The Texters and the Old Timers, for sure.

    And why are The Singers always off-key?