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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'll like two of those, please

Ever feel like this? And ever feel like you don't have any right to complain about it, because everyone else is dealing with their own troubles and they don't want to hear you whine?

I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but I'm all over the map. Could be the ongoing emotional fallout from all the weeks of worrying about John. Could be worry about John's future. Could be the onset of the holidays. Could be hormones. Maybe it's all of the above.

Today, I started out sleepy and dragging. Later, as I sat working, one of those melodramatic weepy songs came on the oldies station... and I promptly and unexpectedly burst into tears. After that, I went into my bedroom, pulled the shades and closed the door, and burrowed for an hour. When I got up, I had this crazy urge to go to the self-service yogurt bar and gorge myself silly with creamy caloric sweetness. Waited that out, thank goodness. Then I went on FetLife and saw a disgusting photo, and felt incredibly, righteously pissed off. Now I feel like I want to jump out of my skin, but I need to compose myself, because I'm not going to endear anyone in this sort of mood. And John's going to call shortly and I don't want to worry him.

Sheesh! What's it like to be an even-keeled person?

A friend on Fet suggested that perhaps I need a spanking. Well, duh. That's a given. I always need that. :-)  But it's a Band-Aid, a temporary distraction. It calms me down and centers me for a while, until the effect fades and then I'm back into bitchiness and angst. Damn -- I'm addicted! That's it! I'm suffering withdrawal this week!

OK, I'm being silly. But I wish I knew what the hell is going on with me. Last Friday, I remember feeling quite serene, like all was well with my world. Nothing has changed since then; where did that good feeling go?

And yes, I do feel like I don't have the right to grouse. Everyone I know is dealing with something or another. Everyone has pain and anxiety to some degree. Everyone has stress. So what does one do? Air and share? Shut the hell up and deal with it? Admit one's humanity, self-centerness and imperfection, one's struggles, or go do something else until the mood passes? Some people ignore their own needs and give to others... but then who gives to them? Where's the right balance?

I often use humor to deflect my struggles; I suppose that is a tool I inherited from my father. Someone recently described me as brave. I don't feel brave. I feel like a loony tune with precious little coping skills. But hey, I'm a damn funny loony tune.

I may very well regret the vulnerability and "me-ness" of this post. But sometimes, folks, this is where I am. I apologize.

So where are my pills? And can you give me enough to get me through until January 2?


  1. ...pass the pills please.. (oy vey!)

    Perhaps... you're hormones are all worked up because they're very close to the up and coming "Fool" moon... which happens Nov 21, 12:29 P.M. by the by..

    HERE.. for you: (grins)


    Some people think that stress is bad;
    Something that makes you crazy and mad;
    I look at it a different way;
    And for that I am who I am today.

    Instead of letting it all build up;
    Just look at someone and yell "shut up!"
    instead of getting all red in the face;
    just get spanked and put someone in their place.

    Instead of letting the tears pour down;
    instead of you, make someone else frown.
    why get all crazed and uptight;
    just pick on someone and start a fight.

    Just knock that smile off their damn face;
    tell them they are a big disgrace.
    And if they ask you if you are stressed;
    tell them "Hell no! I'm feeling my best."

    Because you;re not stressed at all;
    You know how to cope after all.
    The trick is to know that it's never your fault;
    The world is against you and that is all!

    Think of this and you will smile;
    And you'll feel better after a while
    Just wake up everyday and say
    Where's my damn Spanker...I need to play!!

  2. Zelle -- (laughing) You are priceless. Thank you. Funny poem!

    Fool moon, huh? Or... perhaps my hormones are all worked up because I'm @#$%ing 53 years old??

  3. I'm a fan of venting whenever possible. For sure physical stimulation aka spanking and workouts are great stress relievers. But not being able to verbalize negativity seems to make it worse for moi. I say it's a give and take among friends. "You let me bitch...I'll gladly let you bitch right back." When that's not possible the bad mood festers. So bitch up a storm. Your friends don't mind.

  4. Hi Erica

    I'm catching up on back posts [almost said old posts, but I'm afraid I'l end up in CHoS if I use that word here!;) ]. So I'm just now reading about everything you and J have gone through over the past few weeks. I'm so glad to hear he's out of immediate danger. Best wishes to you both as he recovers and grows strong enough for surgery if necessary.


  5. Vent away, baby. I think it's completely normal to go from calm and serene to moody and sad within days. Hell, I do that multiple times per day.

    Hmm...perhaps I need some Fukitol, too. :)

    Hugs to you,


  6. We all have our ups and downs--and can't always articulate the how or why of them or the reasons behind the changes--they just are. Rolling with them and not letting the rises and falls capsize you seems to be the key.

  7. Kelly -- I'm glad to hear that! Honestly, I don't trust overly sunny people. :-)

    Indy -- you could NEVER be in my CHoS!

    pink -- darlin', you can have some of mine.

    Craig -- you're right. You know, I like your sailing metaphors almost as much as your food metaphors. ;-)

  8. Humour is a great way to release those bad feelings in a constructive way. But venting is good, too. And goodness knows, you have every right to whine at the moment.

    I think you can get that drug a lot cheaper up here :)


  9. Hello my dear Erica vent away you know i am always here for you no matter what :-) I have upside down days everyday of my life i am sad everyday as well, LOVE YOUR POEM ZELLE IT'S AWESOME, i think i need some FUKITOL,LOL AND HUGS from your naughty girl Jade XOXO

  10. Jade -- I'll get some for all of us! :-)

  11. Finding the humor in any situation is a great talent, inherited or otherwise. Craig has much wisdom to offer, as does Kelly. Vent away! If your venting frightens anyone away, then they should not have been here to begin with. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

  12. Dana -- thanks! Here's some humor for you -- I was so rattled when I wrote this, I made a freaking typo in the blog's heading. ("I'll" instead of "I'd) Augggh!

  13. laughter is great at times of dexterity like this.

    if you can spare the time feel good comedy's can help. "crossing delancy" and "only the lonely"
    come to mind.

    books can be a joy if you have the time. nevil shute's "round the bend" or robert traver's "laughing whitefish" are great for a gentle lift of spirit's. e.e. cummings poetry is also fun [may i feel said he...and, anyone lived in a prettty how town].

    and of course just think about all your loyal fans that think so much of you, warts and all.

    keep your stick on the ice and remember i'm pulling for you. [ask hermione]


  14. ddon -- thanks. There are days when I feel especially warty, so that's nice to know.