Erica's Helpful Hints #3

Sisters, you all know this moment. When you can sense an instant sea change, when you've taken that One Step Beyond and you're in big trouble. You see the telltale color rising in his neck, his eyes stopping you dead in your tracks, the pulse jumping along his tightened jawline.

When your butt is on the line, remember this: Tops have very short attention spans and are easily distractible. Try disarming him with your sweetest, most innocent smile.

His poor little mind will cloud over. He'll remember how angelic you can be, even though you were the devil incarnate mere minutes ago. Chances are, he'll completely forget why he was piqued with you in the first place.

There are bottoms who take the pouting/pleading route, but I don't recommend it. Granted, some girls look irresistibly adorable when they pout...

From Shadow Lane's "Keith's Girl Friday."

...However, others (raising hand) can't quite pull it off. Also, pouting can backfire. ("I haven't even touched you yet, and you're pulling that face? I'll give you something to pout about!")

But practice and perfect your best "Who, me?" face, and you may very well hear him say, "Aww, you're so cute. I just can't bring myself to punish you."

Or not.

Hey, it's worth a try.

**Bonus hint to the tops: If your spankee is anything like me, giving her that Keith Jones-esque Steel-Eye with the fingerpoint (or its companion, the solemnly beckoning finger, commanding her to come hither to her fate) will make her melt like chocolate in the sun.

I'll like two of those, please

Ever feel like this? And ever feel like you don't have any right to complain about it, because everyone else is dealing with their own troubles and they don't want to hear you whine?

I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but I'm all over the map. Could be the ongoing emotional fallout from all the weeks of worrying about John. Could be worry about John's future. Could be the onset of the holidays. Could be hormones. Maybe it's all of the above.

Today, I started out sleepy and dragging. Later, as I sat working, one of those melodramatic weepy songs came on the oldies station... and I promptly and unexpectedly burst into tears. After that, I went into my bedroom, pulled the shades and closed the door, and burrowed for an hour. When I got up, I had this crazy urge to go to the self-service yogurt bar and gorge myself silly with creamy caloric sweetness. Waited that out, thank goodness. Then I went on FetLife and saw a disgusting photo, and felt incredibly, righteously pissed off. Now I feel like I want to jump out of my skin, but I need to compose myself, because I'm not going to endear anyone in this sort of mood. And John's going to call shortly and I don't want to worry him.

Sheesh! What's it like to be an even-keeled person?

A friend on Fet suggested that perhaps I need a spanking. Well, duh. That's a given. I always need that. :-)  But it's a Band-Aid, a temporary distraction. It calms me down and centers me for a while, until the effect fades and then I'm back into bitchiness and angst. Damn -- I'm addicted! That's it! I'm suffering withdrawal this week!

OK, I'm being silly. But I wish I knew what the hell is going on with me. Last Friday, I remember feeling quite serene, like all was well with my world. Nothing has changed since then; where did that good feeling go?

And yes, I do feel like I don't have the right to grouse. Everyone I know is dealing with something or another. Everyone has pain and anxiety to some degree. Everyone has stress. So what does one do? Air and share? Shut the hell up and deal with it? Admit one's humanity, self-centerness and imperfection, one's struggles, or go do something else until the mood passes? Some people ignore their own needs and give to others... but then who gives to them? Where's the right balance?

I often use humor to deflect my struggles; I suppose that is a tool I inherited from my father. Someone recently described me as brave. I don't feel brave. I feel like a loony tune with precious little coping skills. But hey, I'm a damn funny loony tune.

I may very well regret the vulnerability and "me-ness" of this post. But sometimes, folks, this is where I am. I apologize.

So where are my pills? And can you give me enough to get me through until January 2?

Erica's Helpful Hints #2

When your top, due to vanilla obligations, can't come over to give you that special attention that you both love so much, it's a nice gesture to send him a little note, telling him that you look forward to seeing him again.

For that extra touch, you could personalize your note with a photo. One option is to attach a sweet and playful picture of yourself and your white behind, and say that you can't wait until he can put some color back into your cheeks again.

Or....

You could take the "Ha ha, I'm here and you're there and you can't do a damn thing about it" approach:

Either way, your top is sure to have a nice warm feeling. The "warm fuzzies" type from the former photo, or the simmering "wait 'til I get my hands on her" variety from the latter.

And of course, once he finally comes over, you'll have a nice warm feeling yourself. ;-) Win-win, I'd say.

Guess which approach I'd take?

The weekend

It was a mixed bag. John saw the cardiologist on Friday. They said the expected, that his heart valve is damaged. But they couldn't say whether or not this was exacerbated by the recent infection or that extent of damage had been there all along, since he's been living with mitral valve prolapse for years. They want to see him again in three months for a follow-up and to discuss surgery.

Many decisions to make, eventually. For example -- does he go with the pig valve or the artificial valve? The former lasts about 15 years and the latter can last forever; however, with the artificial, he'll have to take blood-thinning medication for the rest of his life, and that stuff comes with its own hazards.

Ugh.

I can't think about it now. I just can't.

This weekend, John was very much like his old self. Unfortunately, he is dealing with a side effect of the antibiotics -- he itches. All over, mercilessly, and it's the worst at night. Parts of his legs broke out in a rash. So he was a bit irritable and restless, snapped at me a few times. We bought him some Eucerin and he said it helped somewhat. But other than that, he was doing quite well. His color was good, he wasn't overly fatigued and was able to get a lot of odds and ends done. He finally opened his birthday presents; he hadn't felt like it before, so they'd been sitting on his coffee table since the beginning of October.

We went to dinner at one of our favorite places. I watched, beaming, as he cleaned his plate, cleaned mine, ate three rolls and then washed it all down with a glass of Cabernet. Seeing him enjoy food again is such a pleasure.

And for the first time in what, six weeks? seven? he kissed me. :-) We've hugged, snuggled, held hands. But he hadn't given me a real kiss since he got sick.

It's the little things.

I don't get to see New Guy tomorrow. He has family visiting from out of town. (sigh) Amazing how spoiled I've become in such a short time. I didn't play for months, didn't even feel like playing. Now the thought of skipping a week makes me cranky.

Oh well. At least I have some work to do.

You know, I've been so distracted, I've completely forgotten to bitch about how it's another freaking holiday season again. I need to get on that.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 11/12

Happy Friday, everyone. Today's CHoS has only three entries, but I'd say that the last one has enough material for three or four on its own.

Single and looking for a wife .you sound perfect
if you are willing to relocate reply back at we can get toknow each oter better.

Uh... I sound perfect to relocate and marry you? What part of "I'm in a relationship" wasn't clear? Sorry, I'm marriage-averse. I'm also idiot-averse.

i cant beleave how hot and sexy you are in your photo this early morning i love it so much.nothing is nicer then you in a morning.

Beleave [sic] me, honey, there is nothing nice about me in the morning. Must have coffee and a shower. Then I'm still a bitch until noon.

And finally: What do I love, guys? Long, blathering intro emails that are obviously form letters, professing that I just might be the one. Read on:

How'r you doing,hope you fine and in good health condition,i read thru your profile and i really loved what i read and thanks for your intrest,My name is xxxxxxx and i hope u would read my profile and find out more about me,i asked myself some questions and give u the answer,can u also answer them and let me know what you think,i would take them one after the other:

So what do you like to do for fun? Your hobbies and interests can reveal a lot about you, and I'd like to learn more. Is there anything special that you're passionate about? I love swimming,taking walks down the park,observing nature,running and walking,i also love cooking and taking walks by the sea side,I'm passionate about a candle lit dinner with i and my partner holding hands together and sharing intimate things about each other. Are you close to your family? I was asking if you're close to your family in the emotional kind of way, but now that I think about it, do they live nearby, too? I'm not really close to my family,cos i don't have one,but each day and night i really miss them all,they don't live nearby. How would you describe your sense of humor? Some people like silly slapstick, while others go for more subtle stuff. What tickles your funny bone? My sense of humor is quite intresting,i'm shy at first but as we get closer i feel free to express my heart desires. What kind of food do you like? Do you have a favorite restaurant? Some like hot and spicy, others prefer comfort food. If you had to pick one type of food, what would you say is your favorite? I love american food and also italian food and most times,i love to cook for myself.I love Mc donalds.I love comfort food. Wow! We could be a match. Would you like to chat online? It seems like we have a lot in common. I'd love to talk to you more and see what develops. What do you think? here till hear from u soon

(groaning and reaching for the Advil bottle) This one speaks for itself, people. I have nothing to add.

John is into the second week of his IV therapy. He says he is not feeling as fatigued, and although he's still in a weakened state, now it feels more like he has a mild cold instead of a raging flu. He says the docs told him it's OK to stay at the weight he's at right now, because his BMI is fine and a lighter weight is easier on his heart. But between us... he lost 20 pounds, and I would love to see him gain back 10. Perhaps when he's feeling better and can start working out again, he'll put some muscle back on.

It's been a really rough time, but I think I'm seeing some light now. My sweetheart is getting better. I have an awesome new play partner. I actually got a work project this week. And I got Chrossed today (thank you, Chross, for my soaring view count!). For this moment, all is well in my world.

Oh, and because I received a request for a photo that is not bottom-centric, here's a shot of me in happy mode:

Have a great weekend, y'all.