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Monday, August 13, 2012

Uncommon Sense, Part 3: The Brotherhood of the Traveling Fingers

Obviously, this isn't my usual Monday night blog. Mr. D had to postpone; the poor thing did something or another that his back didn't like and it was spasming on him. I know back pain well, so he has my sympathies. He assured me he'll be back in fine form next week.

Damn, I'm good. I mean, I've bruised and blistered several tops' hands, and even made a couple of them bleed. But I've never made a top throw his back out just thinking about playing with me. :-D

(John insisted I post the above paragraph. It's all his fault. So, Mr. D, just pretend you didn't read that part, k? Thanks much.)

Anyway, I thought tonight might be a good time for one of my "uncommon sense" columns. You know, where we talk about things that should be common sense, but apparently aren't. Tonight's installment is about tops who let their fingers wander where they weren't invited. I read about this all the time on FetLife and elsewhere, and really, I wonder what some people are thinking. Oh, wait. They aren't.

I can hear some of you out there. "But wait, Erica! If you don't approve of such activity, then what about this?"

Hey, that was a professional photo; that didn't count. :-) But I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the touchy-feely stuff. What I object to is the assumption that it's OK, that it's welcome, simply because a woman bares her bottom to you for a spanking. NOT.

Sure, a lot of people like their spanking and sex/touching/etc. together. That is their choice, their prerogative. I'm not talking about couples here. I'm talking about parties, about the more casual type of spanking, when you're not playing with a significant other. If a bottom likes the touching, then more power to her. But a top should not assume that when a woman is over his lap or bent over in front of him, if it's for a spanking, that it's OK to do anything else. Wouldn't you think that's common sense? Not so common, from the stories I hear.

I have three examples of tops who were far too presumptuous. I've talked about them before, but they bear repeating for this topic.

1. New top came over (we'd done the coffee meeting), and we started to play. About one minute into the scene, he'd already pulled down my panties, yanked my cheeks apart and made a comment about the "big pink winking eye." WTF??? I got up and told him the scene was over.

2. I did a scene with a new guy at the Shadow Lane party on Friday night. I was OTK on a bed in a room full of people, and he suddenly shoved my legs apart. Startled, I firmly slammed them back shut. I figured that would be the end of it, but he grabbed them and pushed them open again, and this time he reached in for a feel. Screw subtlety; I loudly snapped, "Don't DO that!" He muttered, "I can't help it... you're just so fuckin' hot." Yeah, well. Thanks, but I won't be playing with you again.

3. Met a guy for coffee; we got along, have a nice chat. He lived nearby, so we went to his house to play. I was bent over the couch arm and he was strapping me, then he paused. "Be right back," he said, leaving the room. Came back in, and then next thing I felt was his fingers in the last place where I wanted to feel his fingers. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Just a little lube," he answered. I jerked my head around, and saw he's got lube in one hand and a butt plug in the other!! "NO!!!!" I hollered, jerking away from him.

He stood there, blinking in confusion. "Wait... is that a real 'no'?"

You bet your ass it's a real no! Jeeeezus! Presumptuous, much?

Please don't get me wrong. I know lots of spankos are anal-erotic and enjoy back door play. That's fine and dandy. But for God's sake, when you're playing with someone for the first time and it's a spanking scene, would you assume it's OK to shove a butt plug in her without checking with her first? Apparently, this guy didn't think it was necessary.

But what if you're playing, the scene is going great, and your spankee is noticeably wet? Sorry, dude. That's a physiological reaction a lot of us bottoms have. It's still not an open invitation to let your fingers do the walking. If a "no genital touching" limit is in place, then no is still no.

In the past, in the middle of private party scenes, I've had playmates ask, very politely, if they could touch me. Yup, I've OK'd it a few times, caught up in the moment, feeling the chemistry and wanting it. (And I always tell John afterward, whose standard reaction is to shake his head and sigh, "You slut.") But if they hadn't asked, just went right for the feel, I wouldn't have appreciated it.

Incidentally, I'm going with the M/F orientation because that's the one I know, but I'm curious: Have any male or female bottoms ever had trouble with over-assuming female tops?

Anyway, here's the deal. Going OTK at a play party is not, not, NOT implied consent for tops to dip their fingers in the cake. Is that really so hard to comprehend? Why is this an issue to begin with? We engage in a fetish activity that involves a degree of nudity and physical closeness, but smacking a bottom can be accomplished quite thoroughly without wandering into other territory. That kind of activity is secondary.

So have some (un)common sense. If you have free reign, [ooops! That should be rein. And I even thought about that and chose reign deliberately. Some proofreader!] great. If you don't, don't assume you have it, because it's not a given. Period. When a woman says yes, she's saying yes to a spanking. Whether or not she'll say yes to "Can I put something up your butt" or "May I touch your hoohah" is yet to be determined.


  1. Big pink winking eye???????????? Oh my gosh! My reaction to that just scared the dog out of the bedroom. I don't even know what to say to that. We'll just insert a head-shake instead.

    The wandering fingers happened to me once when I was very young and too inexperienced to stand up for myself. All I could manage to do was idiotically squeal, "You're touching me! You're touching me!"

    I can't say for sure what I'd do now in the same situation. Hopefully safeword and bitch-slap him across the face but more likely than not, I'd probably safeword and then cry. One of the benefits of not playing with people I don't know really well is that I've never encountered this at a party.

  2. Good morning Erica ( oh sorry it is here )

    A perfect summing up I would say. I would never assume any physical contact was ok, apart from the obvious, just because I have a naked young lady over my knee and sometimes it’s evident that they are becoming wet and a little aroused. When we talk about it they say there is no point in doing it if it didn’t make there panties wet but that doesn’t mean they want to go any further with me. As proved in your 3 examples assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. It is not only about common sense it is also more about respect. The bottom is trusting you with their body whether you are familiar with them or not.

    Nice post and right on the button

    BOB B

  3. Erica,

    Perhaps I am very conservative, but I would not even suggest touching a play partner anywhere other than the cheeks during a party. I respect them and care about my play partners. Many are my close friends; I want them to have a great experience and not spoil the moment. Or, worse, destroy a relationship.

    I hope that inexperienced tops read this post and learn about proper behavior at party events.

    I hope your new tops heals quickly.


  4. WOW!

    Between all the writing going on the subject on FL and this post, it makes me really grateful to have a safe playing environment. I know I have problems standing up for myself in those types of situations, in fact, the first spanker I played with "asked" for something that had be negotiated off the table before the scene started and I did have the sense to stop it. However, I felt foolish for feeling guilty for ruining his good time. What the hell is that about? In any case, I think this is a great post and an important one for people (especially newbies like me) need to read.

    Great PSA!


  5. I think if I ever planned to play in public I'd wear a thong and make it clear that it stayed in place.

    And, er, cough, cough, that's "free rein" (as in riding a horse). Curse you, Auto-correct!


  6. I recall that in my party days when a scene had been set the woman would often ask "what's in it for you?" Meaning what sex act would I expect in return. Answering none, would lead to more questioning indicating she did not believe me. Apparently, quid pro quo is very common. My inability to not being able to enjoy multiple BJ's in one evening put me at a disadvantage.

    I am with you sex and spanking go together, but not without asking.

  7. This is Mr. D. I want to publicly acknowledge Erica's strength to stand her ground, albeit it might be OTK, when a top's fingers have wandered without permission. Common sense from a top? One might assume we all have it...but that's clearly not the case. For a top to "ass"ume it's okay to freely wander only makes an ass out of the top. You go girl.

    Oh, and as for the comment that you threw my "back" out, we'll just let your backside be the judge of that!


    Mr. D

  8. Beth -- I know, right? Things that make you go "ewww."

    Bob -- glad you liked it. "Right on the button" indeed -- or in this case, avoid the button! :-D

    Joey -- I agree. I was talking about rare cases in a private scene (never public) where the play got heated and the top took a gamble asking. I really didn't mind that.

    SC -- remember, no guilt. You are allowed to say no to anything. It's YOUR bottom, and your body.

    Hermione -- would you believe I thought about that and thought about that some more, and chose reign deliberately? Dammit! That's one of my confusers. I always think "free reign" means you have all power, so you can do whatever you want. Thanks! (hate it when that happens!)

    OBB -- I have actually had tops in the BDSM realm (not at the spanking parties) tell me that if they're going to "put out the effort" of spanking me, they expect a BJ as a reward in return. Yeah. Clearly, we're not on the same page. Or even in the same book.

    Mr. D -- well, well, well. Look who's upright. :-) I told you John made me say that! And welcome to my blog. See you soon...

  9. Ah you make me laugh. You make me hoohah. I can't say. I have no experience.

    I have an incredible female top who I knew for years before we "discovered" each other and she doesn't sexspank me enough. Grass is always greener I guess.

  10. Emen -- you would have liked the outtakes from a Sarah Gregory video I shot last year. We were singing, "Camptown ladies sing this song, hoo-ha, hoo-ha..." :-D

  11. Hi Erica -- I am so sorry that Mr.D is having back spasm's :-( I hope he feel's better very soon.Minnie get's spasm's in her back too.I see that Mr.D commented he is so AWESOME :-)He gave you such Lovely compliment's :-)I wouldn't want a Top's finger's wandering where they don't belong :-( that would make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Spanking is one thing but touching my hoo-ha is unacceptable without my permission.Much Love and hug's to you from your naughty girl Jade :-)

  12. Jade -- yes, he's a good guy. :-) Back pain is not fun, so I hope it will be over for him soon.

  13. Well don't you know that spanking parties are just a cover for the big orgies that happen? So it's only natural that a guy would assume any woman who agreed to play and be over his lap wanted to be fondled and/or have sex with him!

    I don't know if people who really think that are outright sex starved fools or just predators who think getting into the kink scene is any easy lay. (I have encountered the latter.)

    I've never had any issues with unwanted inappropriate touching when playing, thankfully. But it baffles me how many people have stories like yours. If something like that had happened to me, especially when I was new, I would've run from the scene and never looked back.

    I just don't understand how someone would think that was okay. "But she agreed to be spanked." No. "Well she had her panties down and was lying across me." No. "I felt she got wet and that seemed to be an invitation." STILL NO!

  14. Lea -- that is definitely a point worth concern. I think about the bad experiences I've had (relatively few, but still) and shudder to think how I would have felt had I been brand new. Ugh.

  15. First, I'm so glad to see Mr. D peeking in and commenting on your blog, as that certainly reassures us that you have not lost your touch. Putting a first time Top temporarily out of commission, is just your subtle way of letting him know, you didn't just fall off the spanko-turnip truck.(LMAO!)

    On the subject of the rest of your blog.. the 1st key element there, is communication. The 2nd key element, is showing them how your right hook communicates with their chinny-chin-chin. LOL

  16. Zelle -- or a right knee with a dicky-dick-dick? :-)