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Friday, August 10, 2012

Today's CHoS...

...has been postponed. I promise I will have a real whopper of one next week for you. But today, I need to rant bitch talk about something else.

Earlier this week, I received a private message from a reader who prefers to not comment publicly. Before I say anything else, I must make this clear to the writer: I know you didn't mean it the way it came out; it was just an unfortunate choice of phrase. I am not upset with you, and I don't want anyone reading this to criticize you. But the words bothered me, and I feel the need to set things straight.

They wrote, regarding my play partner situation: Congratulations on the replacement.

Understand this well: ST is irreplaceable. He is not a battery or a toothbrush; he is a man with whom I had a very special friendship for a long time. I have downplayed my feelings a bit on this blog because 1) talking about missing him changes nothing, and would probably bore/annoy people after a while; and 2) I don't want him to read it and feel bad. But you know what? Screw it. I do miss him. I miss him fiercely. How could I not? Anyone who has been reading my blog knows how I put my complete trust, my body and my psyche in this man's hands week after week. I can't just turn all those feelings off. I'm not a damn faucet. I'm @#$%ing crying just writing this.

Now, regarding Mr. D -- he is not a replacement. He is his own man, with his own merits. He's not just somebody I grabbed to shove into the gap that ST left. From what I've seen in the short time I've known him, he is a good man, very kind and caring, and he wants nothing more than to make this work well and happily for both of us. A lesser man would have looked at the situation and said, "Nah... this is too much work. I don't want to compete with the Ghost of Tops Past." He didn't; he pushed forward, determined to create his own place, his own relationship with me. And I like him. He's not pushing or rushing me, he's not trying to be anyone but himself. He has the confidence to know he doesn't have to be anyone else. I look forward to seeing him again.

And I'll tell you what else: I am damn lucky that Mr. D came along when he did. Because if he hadn't, I'd probably be in the mother of all depressions right now. Not to dwell on it overly or have a poor-me party, but yeah, things have been pretty sucky in recent times. My mother, ST, John's ongoing health issues, and now, all sorts of stuff with his relatives as well. Between his mother being in and out of hospitals and his niece getting married next month, there's been a whole lot of extra interaction with his oh-so-dysfunctional family. And I'm sick to death of all of them. Why? Not because of how they treat me; they are all pleasant to me. It's John whom they treat like a red-headed stepchild, the oddball of the family. Well, except for when they want something from him. His sister and niece were as sweet as pie when they asked him to contribute two cases of champagne to the wedding reception. And of course, John said yes. Because that's what he does; he's a giver. And givers often get exploited... but one would hope it's not from their own family.

So yeah. I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. Fuck stoicism and trying to be cheery and sexy and fun for bloggy entertainment. This is the state of Erica, right now. However... I'm also hopeful. I have a lovely new friend. I'm starting work with a new client next week. And Shadow Lane is at the end of the month -- I need a spanking party like you wouldn't believe. Not just for the play either; I need hugs. Lots and lots and lots of hugs, from my dear friends whom I only get to see once or twice a year. These gatherings feed my soul.

(inhale, exhale) Onward. Thanks for reading, as always. Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. Yeah, families are funny things. They'll treat a relative newcomer better than their own sometimes.

    SEE you in Las Vegas Erica!

  2. Thankfully the family interaction should fizzle in time. That IS agitating having to watch how shitty someone you love is treated by kin. And for you to remain neutral towards them is probably unbearable.

    I say have a great time at the party. Enjoy getting to know your new friend better. But also, FEEL how you feel. I hate when people disregard my state of mind when I'm not feeling up to the caliber of pleasantness they expect(MOSTLY family).

    Treasure those who accept all parts of you. Eff the ones who don't!

  3. Tony -- when I'd been with John just a few months, one of his sisters said to me: "We think you're a saint for putting up with him." Nice, huh?

    YES... see you very soon. :-)

  4. Kelly -- it's not easy, truly. I just want to walk away from all of them. But I can't. We may not be married, but I'm committed to him, and his family is part of the package.

  5. Erica,

    Never think your readers will be bored by you! I come back for all of you, the sexy, the sad, the frustrated, the elated you. It's all about connecting, right?

    I think that while grief and discovery seem to be on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, they can be experienced at the same time. I'm sorry to hear through all this you're experiencing the very special pain of family related frustrations. Take care of yourself... I was once given the very sage advice to find something that makes you happy and do it. :)


  6. Erica,

    I would give you a hug if I could, so consider it done. (HUG)

    When things just aren't the way we want them to be, who can we go to for support? Friends. You have a wonderful time at Shadow Lane and I know you will see the very people you want and need to see.

    Yeah, family can be the pits sometimes. I had a sign on the fridge that said, "We're all disfunctional. Get over it." I finally took it down. If I am disfunctional, I don't want to be reminded of it. LOL

  7. SC -- thank you, sweetie. It's good to hear that.

    Bobbie Jo -- I once saw a cartoon of an auditorium, with a speaker at a dais up front, and an audience full of seats... all empty, save for a lone individual here and there. The name of the seminar? "Adult Children of Functional Families." :-)

  8. S'okay baby. Everything will be okay. Once again I'm so proud of you and impressed by the way you put it out. I think everyone's telling you that but do you know what it means? It means a lot. It really does.

  9. Emen -- thank you. Putting it out keeps me from going insane, plain and simple. I'm glad it resonates with others.

  10. You certainly are deserving of many hugs!

    In fact, all things considered, I think you are handling the various situations better than I could. ST may have been great play partner and a great platonic friend, but there isn't a whole lot of difference when it comes to losing someone whose presence in your life is so vital. You've shared so much emotion, and ST is not rejecting you personally--you know that--but it can still feel like rejection.

    I hope that Mr. D can help ease your pain in the short term. He cannot replace ST, and I'm sure he isn't even contemplating/wanting to fill such big boots. It's good that you have some things to look forward to.

    Big hugs to you!

  11. Dana -- yes, I'm grateful for those things. Life needs balance. I can handle the bitter times much better when I know there is sweetness ahead.

  12. Hi Erica -- I am very sorry about everything :-( I feel bad when your upset,Wish i could hug you in person,So consider yourself HUGGED by me :-)How could John's sister be so mean and say that to you about him,I think his family is jealous of him cause he is so loving and caring and kind and they wish they could be like him but they can't.I know you will have fun at the SL party and i agree that's just what you need :-)Wishing you and John a nice weekend.Much Love from your naughty girl Jade

  13. Jade -- I think you may be right; he certainly is different from the rest of them. And he's the smartest one, too -- he's the only one of the four siblings to graduate college, and he has the best career! So there. :-)

  14. Hang on. This new guy isn't that Fetlife guy from a few months ago that was dying to meet you, is he? You remember - the one who was the answer to all your prayers?

    Nahhh, probably not.

    I've never had much to do with families. I don't feel like I ever missed much. I always had the best friends.


  15. Cindy -- no, no. Not the same guy at all. :-)

  16. I get that well-intentioned words can hurt in ways that are not intended (in my case, recently, people telling me that they were sure things would be fine when they were not)...but to me it sounds like this comment/commenter was the fuse rather than the stick of dynamite. With all due respect and the free admission that I might be way off-base, it sounds as if you have some conflicting feelings about Mr. Possible and how things are going and what that means when and if you get to play again with ST.

    It's okay to let yourself grieve. It's okay to be angry, even if it seems like you shouldn't be angry.

    Gentle hugs.

  17. Ana -- I appreciate your thoughts. It's true, I have a lot of conflicting feelings, but they may be a little different from what you're thinking.

    It's a tricky thing, rejoicing over someone new while mourning someone who has moved on. If I talk about ST too much, then it seems like I'm not giving Mr. D a proper chance. And conversely, if I wax rhapsodic about Mr. D, then it's, "Wow, she sure forgot about ST in a hurry." It's uncomfortable. So I struggle as best I can to be honest with my readers, my partners, and myself, and express the roller coaster I'm experiencing right now.

    It's not even a matter of either/or anymore. Mr. D is Mr. Definite... he's not going anywhere (I hope!). Should ST return, I will play with both of them. But I do not see that happening at this point. Some say I'm being too negative and I should give it more time, but I'm just telling what my instincts tell me.

  18. Erica, I'm pleased that you have some work with a new client. I hope it's the beginning of a long and lucrative relationship. That should relieve some of your stress.


  19. Hermione -- thanks. We'll see how that goes. I have no idea how much work they'll provide or what kind of turnaround, etc. But I look forward to finding out.

  20. Sometimes it's darned if ya do, darned if ya don't.

    ST is so much of a wonderfully great man, he'll understand a new play partner coming on to the scene, and you talking about working through a new play partnership - and yes, even having fun. ST will be happy (even elated) for you. This will in fact, help him somewhat in moving forward into his own new relationship.. now that he knows "you are okay", (he would want that) and he would be thrilled that you are playing again with someone as unique as he is.

    HUGZ YOU! (even if it's only a CYBER-HUG!)

  21. --> damn! I'm finally somewhat caught up with your Blog finally! Now, to venture over to Fetlife.. which I just had to distance myself from for awhile as no matter how I tried.. a certain little drama queen kept pissing me off.. and I did not know how much longer I could remain a lady and hold my tongue. ;-P

  22. I don't think anyone can replace someone who is special in one's life (even though you aren't trying to do that). People aren't the same and they all fit in a different way. Glad to hear things are going well with Mr. D so far and I hope they continue to go well. Good luck with the family contact and may it pass quickly. If I get a chance to say hello to you at SL, the hug is included. :-)

  23. Zelle -- I figured it was something like that. But damn, you've been missed!

    Lea -- thanks... I will hold you to that! :-) Ugh -- the family situation goes on and ON. More on that later.