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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Can't take me anywhere

This is purely vanilla, but amusing. I hope, anyway.

So last week, I had lunch with my cousin (the famous one) and a dear friend (also famous). Unfortunately, I can't name either one of them, although my friend knows both Ericas (Scott and [realname]). She's worked with both my father and my cousin, so we have that connection. She's not kinked, but she's kink-friendly.

Anyway, my cousin had invited us both out to lunch, and we were informed by his assistant that we were meeting at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. I Googled it, and it turned out to be a popular French bistro. You know the type -- pretentious food, small portions and not-small prices.

I confess right here, I am not a foodie. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Don't get me wrong; I like good food, well-prepared food. But I like simple food. I'm not into sauces, reductions and emulsions. When I think of a turkey sandwich, I think turkey, lettuce, tomato and mustard on whole-wheat bread. Not smoked turkey breast, cranberry chutney and arugula on brioche. Same thing with pizza. I almost never eat it, but when I do, it's plain mozzarella cheese and plenty of tomato sauce on a chewy slice I can fold. Not artisan flatbread with goat cheese, heirloom tomato confit and a smattering of truffles.

The place was gorgeous, I have to say. The hostess and servers were charming. ("Sparkling water, or tap?" our server cheerily asked me. She made tap water sound like she'd be pumping it out of the garden hose.) I glanced at the menu and nearly choked on my hose water at the prices.

I wondered what kind of bread they'd bring. I figured in a place like this, we'd get a fancy basket with an assortment of bakery breads and rolls. So I was quite surprised when the server laid what looked like a twisted branch directly on the tablecloth; no basket, no plates. Turned out it was a pull-apart strand of individual sourdough bread knots.

When my friend arrived and we'd hugged and sat back down, I plucked the bread off the table and held it aloft. "What the hell is this?" I asked. "They put the bread right on the table in this chi-chi place?"

She looked at it and quipped, "It looks like a dildo." I almost fell out of my chair. She then went one better and pulled her camera out of her purse.

So here I am, in this fancy-schmancy restaurant, leering at the dildo bread:

Fortunately, she took two shots. The first one had our server in the background, looking at us and laughing. Yup, we be classy.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I'm playing tomorrow -- YES!!


  1. You crack me up! ROFLMAO!! I'm sure that is what is commonly known as "Fusion Bread".. that because it combines elements of different culinary traditions.. I personally refer to this "twisted" tradition, as a combination of various forms "cookery and cockery"..

    I hope you left a hefty tip! LOL

  2. Zelle -- fusion, shmusion. It was sourdough. :-D

  3. Ah, the Staff of Life!!

    Terrific story, Erica, thank you!

  4. Dave -- (snort!) You're welcome. :-)

  5. This is why I love having girl friends! Sometimes the weirdest conversations come from vanillas.

    Have fun tomorrow! Can't wait to read all about it!

  6. As the saying goes... it is a joy forever ;-)

  7. Too funny! It does look like it could start vibrating at any moment.

    When we were in Nashville and had lunch at the Opryland Hotel, the bread basket was filled with zucchini bread. Very yummy!


  8. I wonder where the baker got the idea for the shape of the bread?

    Terrific story.

    Have fun tonight.


  9. Very funny. Love the look on your face.

    Have a wonderful and fun evening.


  10. Hi Erica -- You are so funny.HEHEHEHE LOL,That bread doe's look weird looking :-)I Love the look on your face too.Your thinking WTF is this LMAO.I am so glad they didn't serve you snail's and slug's EWWWWWW YUCK.Have fun tonight i can't wait to read about it :-)You also look very pretty in that pic.Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade

  11. Cute! Is it equipped with multi speeds?

    Have a great time NOT sitting comfortably this fine evening. :)

  12. Beth -- we ARE a wickedly creative gender, aren't we. :-)

    MrJ -- no, it wasn't. We ate it.

    Hermione -- oh, I love that stuff.

    joey -- Hmmm. Yes, I wonder as well.

    Ronnie -- I've been told my face is expressive. :-)

    Jade -- I've eaten snails, believe it or not. They call them escargot in the restaurants. But they put a ton of butter on them and I don't eat butter anymore.

    Kelly -- nope, it was the old-fashioned DIY kind. ;-)

    1. I was talking of minds, of course, which I don't suppose one eats, especially not when dirty ;-) But the misunderstanding may reveal an even deeper mental disposition. LOL

    2. (laughing) I confess, the misunderstanding was deliberate. It's what I do.

  13. Yeah, hose water and dildo bread. You really think you're capable of writing something "purely vanilla"? I hope not.

    Great post :)

  14. Mmm.. looks delicious! I'm sure that bread had fun rising ;)

    I'm so excited for you for tonight! Can't wait to read all about it!


    1. BUWAHahahahaha! *"bread had fun rising"* -- hahahaha! Goodone SpankCake!

  15. Emen -- yeah, I don't think there's anything pure about what I write. ;-)

    SC -- HA! Love it!

  16. Lol! Dildo bread! Maybe it would sell better if they really called it that.

  17. Lea -- it could be a novelty in the sex shops. Although eating it afterward could be questionable... :-O