PLEASE NOTE: This blog contains adult subjects and content, and because of Google/Blogger's recent nonsense, I HAVE MOVED TO WORDPRESS. For my enlightened friends who wish to visit me in my new home, it's Please bookmark it!

The rest of you? Please take your judge-y selves somewhere more wholesome, like here:

Go on.... shoo!

Monday, March 25, 2013


You know that old cliché about how you should never believe a woman when she says she's "fine"? What nonsense. When I tell you I'm fine, I'm fine. In fact, I'm not just fine, I'm FINE.

Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional.

No, I can't take credit for that one.

There was another reason why I was sad this weekend, but I didn't want to get into it last night on the blog. After Saturday, I really, really wanted to have some quiet, quality time with John yesterday. I wanted our usual brunch time very much. However, his sister had called him and asked him to trade days with her this week. So... he was taking his mother to lunch yesterday.

You're asking, "Why didn't you go with them?" Simple. I am done with seeing John's mother. I did it every Saturday for seven years, and I can't do it anymore. She complains constantly, and after what my mother went through, and what my stepfather is still going through (without complaining, I might add), I can't stand to listen to it. I'm afraid I'll lose my temper one of these times.

It nearly happened, right before my mother died. We picked John's mom up one Saturday, and she asked how my mother was. I said, "Well... unfortunately, she's in end-stage hospice right now. She's dying." She didn't say, "Oh, that's terrible," or "Oh, I'm sorry." What she said was, "Oh... Me too!" Before I could catch my breath, John intervened with a quiet but very firm, "No, Mom, you are not dying." But shortly after that occurrence, I knew I was done with this. So, I went to lunch yesterday by myself, and then went home. I figured, it's OK. It's one day. I'll see Mr. D in the morning, and everything will be all right again.

Then this morning came. He was due at 10, and I'd been ready since 9:30. But... to make a long story short, he overbooked his schedule this morning, and things ran late. Between that, the traffic, and the struggle to find parking because my goddamned street has no parking on Monday from 10 to noon, he came to my door at 11:45.

I was beside myself. I didn't want him to see it. I hate when I get like that. So I struggled and struggled to keep it together, taking deep breaths and looking everywhere but at him. I managed to tell him that this was really, really unfortunate timing, and I'd needed him to be on time. It was a bad weekend and I was not doing well. I apologized for overreacting.

"Don't apologize," he said. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. This one is mine; I f@&ked up this morning." I still couldn't look at him. If I looked at those kind, concerned eyes, I'd lose it. But then he quietly asked, "Do you want me to go?" And I lost it anyway. 

The short version? We did not play today. Instead, he stayed with me for four hours, and I spent about three of them crying. I just couldn't stop. He was so sweet to me... hugged me, smoothed my hair, got tissues and wiped my eyes and face, let me talk about everything. And I was so damned embarrassed, I wanted to hide from him.

Funny about depression and sadness. As much as I crave attention, as much as I want to be seen, I don't want to be seen at all when I feel this bad. I wish I could be invisible, simply disappear out of sight until I get a hold of myself. So no one can see what I consider the raw ugliness.

Somewhere in the midst of it, I hiccuped, "Well, in case you weren't aware of it, this is what depression looks like."

"Hmm," he mused. "You know, it's not scaring me off. Not at all. I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

Later, when I had calmed down a bit and was starting to feel the shame of the emotional fallout, I apologized to him again. And once again, he told me I had nothing to apologize for, and he was so sorry he added to the stress of my weekend.

I sighed. "You shouldn't have to deal with this. You didn't sign on for all this drama -- you wanted a play partner."

"Yeah," he replied. "And look what I got instead... this beautiful woman."

Oh, Jesus Christ. If I cried one more fucking tear, I was going to dry up and blow away.

Emotional excess is exhausting. When he left, I knew there was no way in hell I was going to the gym. Not today. I had precisely enough energy left to take a shower. And even that was a stretch.

He asked if I'd like him to come back tomorrow, and we'd play. Tempting as that is, I said no. Since today was a complete wash, tomorrow I need to be an adult and do stuff. I need to work. I need to work out. 

Should I have pushed forward and scened with him today? Maybe. But I don't think so. My head was in the wrong place, and sometimes, spanking is not the answer. (Did I just say that???) Better I should wait until we can both fully relish it. Today, I needed kindness, an ear, a pair of arms.

And because I got it, tomorrow will be better. Thank you, Mr. D.


  1. Thank you, Drica, really, for sharing experiences that go so deep. I am really happy for you that Mr. D and yourself are to each other - well, what you folks are. So mutually fulfilling. Hug.

  2. This was a lovely, touching post. I may have something in my eye. Thank you for sharing, Erica.

  3. I am so happy for you that Mr. D is there for you. You needed that time with him and you are right: sometimes a spanking isn't the answer. Thank you for sharing that vulnerable part of yourself. It makes you who you are and genuine.

  4. MrJ -- surface-y stuff has never been something I could bother with. One of the many reasons I couldn't stand working in an office -- I had no patience for the constant small-talk. :-) Hugs back.

    Anonymous -- (hands you a Kleenex). :-)

    Bobbie Jo -- I am happy he was there yesterday; despite our rocky start, he really helped turn my mood around.

  5. Erica, when I served my time as a draftee in Uncle Sam's Army. We had a saying SNAFU. which meant. SITUATION NORMAL ALL FUCKED UP. So I understand your feelings. XXX Luv ya.

  6. Six -- I love that acronym. I'm also fond of FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Repair [or Recognition]).

  7. Hi Erica -- I understand your feeling's, I am so glad that Mr.D was there to be that pair of arm's to hug you,to give you a tissue,And to be the Ear's to listen to what you have to say.All that is VERY important.I was emotional and teary eyed when i read this,What a very touching entry.Mr.D is a very good Top but also a great friend :-)Much Love and hug's from naughty girl Jade

  8. Jade -- yes he is, on both counts.

  9. Hey Erica,

    It's amazing to have someone who can care for you like that. I had a crazy sad day yesterday too.. seemed to me a really bad case of a lonely Monday. Paul (Stonehand) and I live separately for right now because of graduate school, and I had to leave that morning to come back to school for classes.

    I think I spent 75% of the drive (2 hrs) bawling. The rest of the day I was pretty shaky, like a party drop type deal. I even went to the gym, feeling pretty numb.. but came out with a runner's high (something that I have never have had before as I'm not naturally inclined to running). I was up an down all day, but slept like a rock.

    Today is better, although I do the avoiding thing too. I dive away from anything socially related on days like this.. As it is.. I'm trying to decide if I'm doing anything later this week...

    Hope you're feeling better today. I know I am, at least a bit due to some much needed me time curled up in my room and working up a good sweat at the gym. I always feel better after that.

    Big Hugs

  10. Dear Erica,

    Most days, the world depends on us. On others, we depend on our tops... and on weeks when things are out of sync, a seemingly undependable late top can feel devastating. But look what has been gained by allowing yourself to be vulnerable...he saw a beautiful woman and you saw the dependable rock of a top that cherishes you- knowing exactly what you need, whether he is offering a hand across your bottom or a shoulder to cry into. I found I can only really breathe when my entire self is accepted- the good, the bad and the ugly... that goes with friends, family and lovers. And there is nothing ugly about you or those tears...Mr. D sees what we all do, and that is a beautiful woman.


  11. OTKD -- ahhh, I'm sorry you were so down. It's hard, missing our loved ones! I do feel better today, albeit exhausted. Even made it to the gym. :-)

    SC -- what a lovely thing to say, and how sweet you are. Thank you. ♥ Funny how Mr. D says the same thing; he wants the whole package, including the imperfections. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that anyone would want that, but I'm working on it.

  12. Glad to hear you're feeling better! Yay for the gym!

  13. I guess the point in wanting the whole package is that it so truly interesting and fulfilling to find your ways, move along with an autonmous, authentic, sometimes vulnerable & at other moments strong, real Mensch. And that it is richess, a privilege, to be engaged with such a Mensch

  14. Erica,

    Sometimes spanking is not the answer. First off I do not blame you for the distance with the have been through enough.

    Sometimes spanking partners also need to be good strong friends and wow you have that completely. What a kind man and I do not think there is any doubt your next trip over his lap will be just amazing.

    You needed this break, hang in and smile. Simple instructions I guess but your mental well being is most important. You are just so sweet.

    Fianlly thank you for sharing such intimate details and whether you know it or help all of us.

    You are wonderful.


  15. MrJ -- thank you; that's very kind. :-)

    Ron -- he IS very kind and a good friend. He says I am to him as well; I certainly hope so. I want to be.

    1. No doubt that you are and this note of yours defines what the spanking scene should be....friends and partners first and foremost. Warm bottoms can follow. You are very special.

  16. How wonderful it is to have a soft place to fall. Thank you for your transparency.

  17. Anonymous -- yes, I fall on my head often. ;-)

  18. If you had pushed ahead playing anyway you probably would've been extra sensitive and had to end things early on. Mr. D is very sweet to have still hung out and let you cry on his shoulder. We all need that person and to be that person at times. I hope you feel better.