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Friday, March 11, 2011

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 3/11

Here we are again with a fresh crop of shameful tidbits for your amusement.

What do I love, guys? Haven't gotten one of these for a while; long, incoherent rambles from a man seeking love and the meaning of life. Just a reminder -- I am not poking fun at this because it's written by someone for whom English is his second language. It's all the blithering and blathering that lands these types of posts in the CHoS; I mean, what are these guys thinking??


I'm hardworking Man ,Single , 46 years old , hazel eyes . I love reading ,music ,politics, roses, traveling & computers. You can say that books , music & computer are my real friends . I'm lonely open-minded guy who knows how to care & respect privacies. I need to have a real friend to share thoughts, dreams, fantasies, fetishes, even hard times & as we came to fetishes & fantasies, I have to say that I like some fetishes. I also like 1on1 calls, but I like more romantic nights that full of intimate moments, candles, talking....anything to enjoy my partner doing whatever she wants as long as she can also obey ........... I for myself has been betrayed by a woman & also men but never lost may faith in people , it is not that wise but just because we cannot live alone or only chose from kind of sex or another ... also I think on the other hand there are lots of faithful & good friends in life .. but it is how & when we meet them or find them .... I'm a man who has that codes which make me suffer in this cruel life, But I will never surrender & I will keep on.
well, For all my life I'm looking for real love, I found it but she traveled forever in a way no one can follow but to die... It is ok....... ..... Still thought that Love is like a rainbow, beautiful, yet misty.I'm here now just to share & more who knows as I told you I'm still believe that we can be human mirrors so what a luck lady you are you have a mirror for your own ( opps) that is only if you accept me with promises of care & understanding going deep inside our souls & mind to see more ... I dream of a woman who can fill my life with her aroma & knows how to serve & to please.So, if you are really someone special who needs a real relation based on , respect , caring & specially passionate .. I'm all yours., just drop some lines telling me more about you

My brain just exploded. I'm at quite a loss for words with this one. So I'll let you all have at it and move on.

hi erica not only do I have a spanking fetish but also woman wear slips very hard to find both together. Maybe naughty girl  wearing skirt/slip over a woman's knee also wearing a dress and slip thanks
(running this through my Moron to English dictionary) Does anyone wear slips anymore?? I don't own any. Too bad, because this guy sounds like quite the prize.
I live in Honolulu. I have a very good job, you must be willing to move in with me in Hawaii. I am 44 years old 5,10 175lbs, work out three times a week at 24 hour fitness. Like your profile. Single and looking for a wife .you sound perfect. if you are willing to relocate reply back at we can get toknow each oter better.
Oooh, a marriage proposal! And I'm perfect for him -- oh, except for that pesky boyfriend of mine. Oh, and the fact that I have no intention of relocating anywhere (I don't see him offering up the money for me to do that, either). Oh, and I have no desire to ever marry. But other than that, it's a match made in heaven! :-D
hey whats goin on! Ive really never tried full out spanking and would love to try it out hit me up if ur up for it

I'm sorry... did someone drug me and then tattoo "Guinea Pig" on my butt while I was unconscious?

I didn't reply, of course... and then I got this, same guy:

hey a lot of people wont respond cause i dont have a pic! i hope u do cause im not looking for the sex so much as im lookin for my first time really spanking some one! i dont have a pic cause i get on here on my phone and cant upload off my phone! i hope u hit me up soon

News flash, honey -- no one cares about your pic. They're not responding because you're an idiot. Learn how to use apostrophes, for God's sake.

All rightie then. I'm headed for John's later, so I can fill his weekend with my aroma and misty rainbows. :-D

All kidding aside, my thoughts are with those whose lives have been turned upside down by the earthquake and subsequent tsunami. Feeling gratitude for the peace around me today.

Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. well, Erica, as a Luck Lady, I believe it is your duty to introduce Mr. Newbie to his first time really spanking.

    Whack him with a solidus!


  2. Those masterpieces earned a 5 star laughter extravaganza. I can't believe you won't just drop your entire routine and relocate to where your soul mate resides!

    What. You no luv the sweat jestures ov effecksion infeeltrating yooor malebocks!! :) :)

  3. Hermione -- (laughing) Yeah, but the problem with that is, he wouldn't know a solidus if it hit him!

    Kelly -- more like malebollocks, methinks. ;-)

  4. Hello my Erica methinks those guy's are a bunch of moron's hehehe and one bloody idiot want's you to move to Honolulu, i know it's BEAUTIFUL there with palm tree's and nice view's and it's a cool paradise but he could be a serial killer or something YIKES. i just saw the pic that John took of you on Devlin's book cover CONGRAT'S again to you my dear friend :-) wishing you and John a wonderful weekend. LOL and BIG HUGS from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  5. Jade -- Hey, I've got palm trees and nice views right here in CA. And if I were to ever relocate, it would be to Washington, not Hawaii. What can I say -- I love rain. :-)

  6. Erica,

    Help! I can't stop laughing. LOL Where do these "idgits" come from anyway? ROFLMHO!!

  7. Bobbie Jo -- Hellifino! Wherever it is, they need to go back. :-)

  8. Erica, I love your blog, it always cracks me up! :-D Are these all generally out of the blue messages, no previous communication at all? I got one of the classic Fetlife broken up sentences myself this week.
    Subject: do
    Message: you have anyone to spank you at present?

    Uh, what now? Lol.

  9. BTW,Erica,

    Congrats on being Chrossed again!

  10. Erica..
    1. The rambler needs a wind-up-doll... and some energizer batteries to keep up with his 'gift o' gab'.. LOL

    2. Send me the email for the "Slips" guy.. I think I can help him out with a few silky numbers in the back of bottom drawer of my dresser that I could send him to tide him over till his slip... I mean "ship" comes in.

    3. Tell Hawaii... "Sorry.. I'm rather partial to being on the mainland moving is outta the question" .. AND TO THINK .. all it takes is relocating to find the perfect husband who works out at 24hr Fitness... Let's hope he works out 24hrs.. then ya wouldn't have to see him much... so HE really does have his advantages... LOL

    4. Any idea what a "Half out spanking" is?? Does "full out" mean he exposes himself while spanking? LOLOL --TMI, I know.. LOL

    5. Don't have a pic?? Well duhhhhhhhh??? So not fair!

    6. Yo Erica! No need to respond to me here... Just HIT ME UP.. or better yet.. wanna relocate to Florida...we've only got hurricanes?

    spews at this list this week!

  11. Hi Erica, and happy weekend!

    I have to laugh about Mr. Blitherblather. How many times have we complained about guys who write "Let's f***" (or something equally moronic) and think that's an appropriate greeting? How many times have we told them that they need to introduce themselves? Here's one who apparently took those words to heart.

    I guess this falls in the be-careful-what-you-wish category.

    I like the "love is like a rainbow" analogy, except that I am quite certain there is no pot of gold at the end.

    As for your prospective fiance, I wouldn't let him anywhere near my oter!


  12. Hi Erica,

    I’ll try to write something a little less flippant this time: I wonder when men will finally decide to join the human race? No, that didn’t come out quite right so I’ll try again: damn (!) those are some pretty good pickup lines; I wish I had used them when I was Internet dating!

    The sad truth about the “inquires” you have received is that they may have been written by native-born speakers of English and by men who are either too needy for their own good or who are seriously lacking in manners and empathy. Worse still is the possibility that if these louts were ever shown the shortcomings of their communication with women they might not see the error of their ways.

    While I’ll readily admit that I’m eccentric (meaning that I’m a real piece of work), in the 50 or so emails I wrote to the woman who eventually became my wife, I never once mentioned the word “sex” or “fetish,” made any references to female undergarments, revealed that I was lonely, divulged the size of my biceps (or other anatomical parts), cast any aspersions toward women, or talked about how I had been mistreated by the world; but maybe I missed an opportunity?

    Being a guy, I have to admit that I’m probably no better than the Neanderthals who have written to you, and have made some serious language slips of my own over the years. However, I would like to think that I have never quite sunk to the lows revealed in the prose (and I use that word loosely) of your would-be suitors. Yet, I cannot help but feel both shame and embarrassment for my fellow brothers for being so inept in their relations with women.

  13. I am still trying to get through the first one...all I can say I am speechless. Really.



  14. Lea -- yup, these are all quite random and first communications. Mind-boggling, huh?

    Zelle -- it would never work out with Hawaii guy; I work out at L.A. Fitness! LOL

    Bonnie -- well, there are introductions, then there are tomes built of cliché upon cliché and half-sentences and ellipses and... you get my point. :-D

    AP -- look at it this way. Be grateful for those "brothers," since they help make us women even more aware of the good guys! :-)

    Raven -- I know, right? I was too.

  15. @Annapurna,

    Let's not insult the Neanderthals, ok? :-)

    I think these guys wouldn't hold a candle to a real Neanderthal. Besides, I was married to one! Neanderthal, that is. At least I think he was part Neanderthal as he sure had some of the body build for it: large bones, couldn't swim much because of the density of his bone structure, and a large chest cavity. A doctor told him he was probably part Neanderthal. And they have been able to show there is about 4% of the gene pool that has Neanderthal in it. And my DH was a gentle, kind, opinionated, decent, caring man who wasn't afaid to cry at a movie. I miss him a lot.

  16. @Zelle and Bobbie Jo,

    If Erica will permit me to make at least one more post, I would like to say this: Zelle, you are really funny! Have you ever considered becoming a comedienne? I would certainly pay to see your standup routine! By all means, keep the funny comments coming; you really make my day.

    Bobbie Jo, howdy and by the way what does “DH” stand for? Does it mean “designated honey?” You know I’m not really good with acronyms. It took me more than an hour to figure out what Erica meant by “ChoS!” Do you know I actually Googled the term and only got “Courthouse-on-the-Square!” D-oh! Is it really true about Neanderthals making up only four percent of the population? I thought it was a much higher percentage!

  17. @Annapurna,

    DH= Dear Hubby. As for Neanderthals, I think there is more than 4% also, but that is what the program I saw about them said the scientists have found so far. The thing is, when they compare the Neanderthal skeleton with so called modern humans, they seem to only show what appears to be a European. Why not show an Austrailian Aborigini, an African bushman, one from the Masai tribe, several Asians, and so forth? I think then we would see more of a resemblance in the skeletal makeup. If you really look at some of the Aboriginies, they resemble Neanderthals in body shape and size. Neanderthals were much more intellegent than we have given them credit for. They had a glue that they would use to fix their arrow heads to the shafts with and also spear heads to the poles. It was hard as nails, but was reuseable by warming it up again. WE CANNOT REPRODUCE IT! The scientists have tried and so far have not been able to get it right. I think they were very clever and smart. Not dumb so called cavemen. They have found them in Israel, and also in other areas of Asia as well as Europe. All at the same basic latitude. I wonder if any of them were into TTWD? :-)

  18. Sorry Erica. I tend to get long winded sometimes. :-}

  19. @Annapurna .. LOL.. funny you say that.. cause I have thought of doing that comedienne thang .. and believe it or not.. I'm working up a Standup SPANKO routine.. that is kinda the "Erma Bombeck" of spankos.. (haha!)

  20. @Zelle,

    You go girl! Sounds like a great idea. Have you ever written up any comedy stories relating to spankos?

  21. @Bobbie Jo.. Oh good lord NO! I don't have the stories down like Erica does! This is why she is my HERO! My god I think this woman is hysterical!! Her words are inspiring to an "imp" of my makeup.. LOL ..

  22. OK guys... I love you all, but this is what email's for, yes? :-)

  23. Erica,

    You are absolutely right. I just don't have the email addys. LOL

  24. Slips? Who knows.

    What I DO know is there's a kink for everyone. Where they come from, who knows? But thanks to the internet, people who like to rub blueberry pies on their balls can find like-minded people and get together to share in the blueberry pie on balls experience (brings new and fascinating relevance to "munches").

    I have no comment on the rest. Rarely I'm speechless, but....damn.

    And if you don't move in with this guy in Hawaii I will. He's rich! And lives in Hawaii! And likes to spank! WTF is wrong with you!!!! ;-)

  25. Craig -- is that what they mean by blue balls, then?

    I know, I'm just too damn picky for my own good. :-D