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Monday, January 13, 2014

The semantics of spanking

Granted, I'm a woman of many pet peeves, so no one really takes me seriously when I mention one. Especially since they're usually so trivial. The following is no different, but perhaps a fellow spanko/linguist out there will relate.

It annoys me when people call a slap or two on the bum a "spanking." A single whack is not a "spanking." It's a slap. Or a smack. Or a whack. Or whatever the hell term you want to use. I guess you could even say it's a "spank." But it is not a "spanking." Spankings are in multiples.

John and I went to see The Wolf of Wall Street on Saturday. The day before, someone had written on FetLife: "Go see Wolf of Wall Street! It's great, and it even has a spanking in it!" Do tell, I thought. Since we were already planning to see it, I kept my eyes eagerly peeled for that particular scene.

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, I won't give any plot spoilers, don't worry. But suffice it to say that it's one of the most depraved movies out there lately. It's based on the true story of fallen stockbroker Jordan Belfort, and his lifestyle of tons of money, drugs, hookers and sex. You see a lot of nudity, and a whole lot of cocaine. You hear the f-word over 500 times (yes, really) in three hours. You see all kinds of sex. You see Leonardo DiCaprio with a lit candle stuck where the sun don't shine.

But there's no spanking in it.

What there is, is this. A scene with DiCaprio snorting a line of coke off a hooker's behind. She's crouched on the bed with her butt up high in his face, and after he snorts, he gives her one slap, then when she wiggles, he gives her one more. The End.

That's not a spanking, dammit! Really, how disappointing.

Honestly, I'd enjoy a scene with Leo giving a spanking. I think he's pretty damn cute. Go ahead, laugh at me.

It kind of reminds me of people who do a little "slap-and-tickle" during sex and call that spanking. I just want to yank them out of bed, plop them down in front of the TV and show them a proper spanking video. "Now that's a spanking," I'd smirk, as their eyes glaze over. 

Oh, how this movie could have used a real spanking. There's one scene where Leo's character and his wife are having a huge screaming fight in the bedroom, and she keeps throwing water on him. All he does is sputter and scream and swear. In our world, he'd grab her, they'd sprawl onto the bed, and he'd throw her across his lap and wallop her with drops of water flying everywhere. Hey, if he could snort coke off her boobs (yes, he did), he could certainly spank her, couldn't he?

Besides, she needed a spanking, big time. She wasn't very nice to him. (Of course, he wasn't about to win any Husband of the Year prizes either.)

But I digress. Call things what they are, people. Don't get me all excited about a possible spanking scene and then show me a slap. A slap does not a spanking make. A slap is a mere tease. If someone told you that they were going to give you a slice of cake, wouldn't you be ticked off if they then gave you just one tiny bite?

Speaking of which, I'm not getting my weekly session of sustained slapping until Wednesday. Oh well. Better late than not at all, I guess.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.


  1. I agree wholeheartedly! A friend of mine once gave me three light to medium smacks on my bottom while I was standing and has since then told everyone who will listen that he spanked me. Every time he does this in front of me, I facepalm and try to explain that no, that's not a spanking. He knows what I do, so he should be able to tell the difference!

    While we're on semantics, I really hate it when people say "I'm going to give you a spank." Partially because giving someone a single swat is lame, but also because that seems terribly grammatically wrong to me.

  2. Erica,

    Totally agree with your post. A few spanks is not a spanking.

    Spanking has become more and more visible in movies and TV. And, I saw on in a Broadway show.


  3. Erica, I believe what you are talking about might be called semantics or the meaning of language. Some like a slice of pizza, others like a whole one. Whatever a persons likes, is satisfactory to them. If ONE SLAP to them is a spanking so be it. You Erica, love to have lots and lots of slaps given to you on your bare bottom, which satisfies you, which you might call a REAL SPANKING. Some people have said, that is why they have MENU'S in RESTAURANTS, to satisfy everyone's taste. XXX Luv ya.

  4. Hi Erica -- I agree that 1 or 2 slaps is not a spanking. What a disappointing movie :-( To me a real spanking is done OTK and it's done bare bottom with a hand or hairbrush etc.That's good that you get to have a session with Steve tomorrow.I always enjoy reading about it :-) Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  5. Alex -- fortunately, I don't hear that "I'm giving you a spank" that often. It irks me as well. But what also grates on me is that Midwest penchant for saying "You need spanked." Clearly, for them, "to be" is not to be.

    joey -- which one?

    Six -- we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. :-)

    Jade -- actually, the movie was good (a bit of a sickening commentary on humanity, but still). It's just the "spanking" scene that was disappointing. :-)

  6. I also agree...1 slap is a slap...I (like you)...Love multiple swats on my behind,,,I also, like multiple fast swats....Yum!
    Haven't seen movie yet...but on my list also!

  7. thank you for the warning...there is so rarely a satisfying spanking scene in a decent mainstream movie.

    as a side note, maybe it's my computer, but your "blog archive" section over on the right side is making my right eye twitch :P

  8. Nancy -- it's worth seeing, particularly for DiCaprio's acting job. Next for us is American Hustle.

    Tessa -- really? It IS a little weird how it's broken up, but this is the first I'm hearing of that particular reaction. :-)

  9. I agree, Erica. Spankings should the utmost mutiplicity of plurals.

  10. One of the actresses interviewed on "Entertainment Tonight", yesterday said the cast WAS warned they would be expected to do ALOT of swearing. She said the "variety pack" of words occurred 700 times during the movie!

  11. MrJ -- yup!

    Kelly -- it's mind-boggling how much swearing there is. After a while you get used to it, but I still cringed every time they used that one word I can't abide. Fortunately, that was rare.

  12. I agree 1 or 2 is not a spanking but if I remember there is a one or two smacker on the airplane however the girls bottom is red, noticably red!! Movie was really good but way over the top!

  13. I agree! That seems to come up in talk of vanilla sex a lot, too. "Sure, I spank" and then it's two slaps on the ass while you're sleeping together. Um, no. It reminds me of the scene in Secretary where Lee lies across the lap of the doofy boyfriend Peter, sticking her ass up waiting for him to spank her. Then he pulls out a condom with a questioning look on his face.

  14. Lea -- LOL! I loved that scene! It was classic.