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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

On my mind: Speculation

Before I get into this, one important note. I will be referring to certain people and blogs, but I am not going to name names. Some of you will know who I'm talking about, others will not. Please don't ask me for details. I've chosen this route to maintain at least a modicum of discretion.

A week or so ago, I stumbled across a post on a blog I've never read before; the title of the post attracted me, because it mentioned people I know. I went on to read what I considered a lot of passive-aggressive speculation and innuendo about the relationship between a professional domme and a married couple. She (the domme) and the wife co-top the husband. Sounds perfectly normal, perfectly healthy to me. But apparently to some, it's up for questioning.

Granted, this blogger never accused the domme of anything; in fact, they complimented her and made a point of mentioning several things that they did NOT think she was doing. ("It seems pretty clear that she is not intent on destroying a marriage.") What this person didn't seem to realize (and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt here) is they're planting seeds of speculation by the mere mention of what the person is NOT doing.

The blogger's overall question was, what does a pro domme get out of "investing time and taking care of a married man." What drives her? Is it the money? (Yes, they speculated on how much money she might be making from the deal, which was in bad taste.) They ended the blog by stating that they "seriously doubted" this domme's motivation to develop such a closeness with a married man was linked to not being ready for her own relationship, or fear of too much closeness. Once again, just stating this, even in the form of denying it, sets up speculation.

I was really, really annoyed by this blog, on so many levels. The first thought that came to mind was, how is this any of the blogger's @#$%ing business? But then I realized that wasn't fair. We live in the age of the Internet, of reality TV, of tabloids. Everyone knows everyone else's business. And if they don't know it, they feel entitled to know it. So I moved on to the next point.

What drives this domme? Why does there have to be a drive? How about that she likes these people, she connects well with them and the three of them enjoy a mutually satisfying scene friendship/relationship? What a concept! Why does there always have to be a salacious undertone to scene relationships? What, a pro domme should only top single men, or single women? One connection has to lead to another? What narrow-minded nonsense.

I can understand a garden-variety vanilla person coming up with all sorts of ulterior motives, because they can't comprehend the nature of what we do. But this blogger is one of us. They should understand, at least on some level.

And really, if they had these burning questions, why not address the source directly? Again, this is the age of just about everyone being accessible. Write to the domme, comment on her blog, tell her you're fascinated with her relationships and would like to know how they work. She'll either answer your questions to the best of her ability, or tell you she's sorry, but it's not your business. But don't put out these questions and speculations on a public blog. That's kind of tacky.

This blog irked me for more than one reason, truthfully. I was piqued on behalf of the domme and the married couple, because they are my friends. But also, because so many of us have fallen prey to speculations about our lives and relationships. I know that some of this is unavoidable when you're a "public figure" (said tongue in cheek) of sorts. But come on. It goes too far sometimes.

I've been the source of much speculation, myself, over the years. "What's the deal with her and John? They've been dating all these years, but never lived together? He's mostly a bottom, but he's with a bottom? How does that work? Why does he come to the spanking parties with her, but not play? He sees dommes on his own, and she sees tops on her own? Why? What are they getting from each other? What exactly goes on between her and these tops she has in her home?"

I mentioned in my book that, back when I was playing with Danny, a friend once alerted me that the topic in the Shadow Lane chat room that evening was "are they or aren't they fucking like bunnies." Good grief.

And yes, I've been spanked by married men, and men with relationships. What drives me to do this? No big secret, folks. I like these men! I connect with them, they spank well, we meet each other's kink needs in one way or another, they're my friends. Yes, I have loved many of my play partners. I fully admit that I love ST. So what? Does that have to have a secret agenda? I love them; I am in love with John. Big difference. John is on a special and untouchable level, all by himself.

The speculations and gossip often go beyond who is screwing whom or how A is secretly in love with B, etc. When I first entered the scene, there was an iconic spanking model who had fairly dominated the 90s video scene, and she had once been a very public figure, going to parties and so forth. Then she went behind the scenes and started producing, but stopped appearing in front of the camera. At the same time, she dropped out of the party scene. Well, she was producing videos, so she was clearly still alive. But the stories! The one I heard was that she'd contracted some sort of horrible, disfiguring disease and she didn't want people to see her like that. Funny... when she turned up again at the parties a few years later, she looked fine to me.

I know I'm all over the place with this entry, and I knew I would be. It's a broad, tangential subject. Therefore, to wrap this all up:

1. Scene relationships are rich and complex, and allow for many more variations than vanilla. If it really floats your boat to speculate on someone else's relationship, knock yourself out. But don't publicize your thoughts, even if you phrase them in the manner of "I'm sure he/she's not doing that...." You may think you know what you're talking about, but unless you're living these people's lives, you really don't.

2. If you have a question, try asking the source, if that's possible. I can't speak for others, but I'm quite open and I'm happy to answer questions people have for me. I'd rather they ask and get the proper answer, rather than coming up with their own.

3. When in doubt, try minding your own @#$%ing business. :-)


  1. Well said.

    I get irritable when people do things like that. It is in poor taste and tacky to boot!


  2. Lunagirl -- thanks. I've seen a lot of this and most of the time I ignore it, but this particular incident stuck in my craw.

  3. I think the most important thing you said was "rich and complex". That's why we do it whatever way we do it. And it is such a love and such a connection. It is home.

  4. Erica,

    I top married women and bottom to married women. And, I am married to a wonderful lady who accepts my role in the scene. I do not know the blogger who made those comments, but I find them ridiculous.

    And, that person has obviously never read your book, not that is their damn business to speculate about your relationship.

    Well said Erica,

  5. I think you are absolutely right when you say that in this era of information consumption people feel entitled to know everything they want to know and will be happy to fill in the gaps themselves when starved for facts. Why? Human nature to be as nosey and salacious as possible. On a related note, I am just upset because no one cares to speculate or gossip about me. It's very distressing.

  6. Emen -- also, "rich and complex" doesn't have to mean sexual, or desiring it to be sexual, or desiring to somehow possess one's play partners.

    Joey -- just to be clear, the blogger in question made no comment about me. However, others in the past have conjectured about the nature of my relationships. And you're right, it's rather ridiculous.

    Rad -- ah, but how do you KNOW that no one is gossiping about you? Perhaps they are simply more discreet about it!

  7. I really feel sorry for those whose scene dynamics are under a microscope. When I'm curious about something, I go directly to the source. But I think it's tasteless and invasive to publicly speculate why people do or don't do certain things with others.

    As you said in the age of instant access internet, some people-fans/admirers, etc may feel a heightened sense of familiarity with the "famous" spankos LOL! Because many bloggers are open and friendly maybe the commentors get carried away with their own sense of importance to the blog hosts. Therefore, they may feel it's ok to say whatever they please without any recourse.

    Um, NO! Use tact please!

  8. Kelly -- or, how about this? Don't imagine dynamics that aren't there in the first place!

    You make a good point about the heightened sense of familiarity. In some cases, that's a good thing; it humanizes us. But in other cases, notsomuch.

  9. HERE, HERE! Good one Erica and so right on! The relationships others have really isn't any of anyone's business unless they choose to talk about it. It's like a friend of mine and I having lunch together regularly and one of the waitress in the restaurant spread the idea around we were lesbians. All based on false assumptions and innuendo and when I was getting involved with a really great guy, he was wondering because some guy told him my friend and I were lesbians. How nice. NOT! All because of one person flapping her jaws. At least he had sense enough to ask me and everything turned out ok.

    So I get a bit perturbed, to put it mildly, when this happens and it involves friends. It is tacky and rude at best, and just downright nasty and probably comes from jealousy. On another front, it is really sad that people have so much time on their hands they have to delve into other peoples' lives.

    Good one, Erica. Very well said.

  10. Very well said Erica,I hate when someone start's rumor's when they know nothing about what is really going on,It is none of their damn freakin business anyway,What a bunch of BS UGH,I don't blame you for being annoyed cause it bug's me too.Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  11. Bobbie Jo -- oh, geeez. Can't two women have a friendship and a Girls' Night (or Day) Out without people thinking they're lesbians? Good Christ.

    Jade -- people do some weird stuff. Fortunately, I am mouthy enough to point it out. :-)

  12. I have always liked your honesty Erica. You say it up front. You tell it like it is. "Good Show", as they say in 'merry olde englande'. XXX Luv ya.

  13. Hello Erica
    Sorry i am new to this and i am working my way through the blogs i am following but even the short time i have been in blog land it is apparent to me that it is like living in a very small village. Where everyone knows everyone else and are very happy living there and taking people for what they are. It is sad to say when people get together in groups be it a sports club a blog or a community certain personalities will always seek the darker side, like to spread gossip, talk about things they think they know about and make it up if they don’t. I have been made very welcome by the blogs i am following and just reading about other people’s thoughts and experiences has made me feel i belong to something special and has made me very happy which is obviously what’s lacking with some of the less fulfilled members. Very much enjoying your blog and hope to be following it for years to come.

    Take Care

    BOB B

  14. Six -- I try. :-)

    Bob -- welcome to my blog! I'm glad you're enjoying it. We do have quite the village here in the spankosphere, don't we.

  15. I am giving you a standing ovation. (Tried to post yesterday but it did not go through.)

  16. Aww, well after that I can't post my next blog idea, "What's Really Up With Erica Scott?" ;-) When I came into the scene as a married woman, I encountered people who straight out said they wouldn't play with a married person because it could get complicated. Okay, that's their choice. I found other people to play with.

    I've had play partners who were married and also single, and I've been married and now single. Either way, relationship status had no bearing on being able to have a friendship or enjoying playing together.

    I think it's sort of like the ongoing "Is Spanking Sexual Or Not" debate. If people have their mind made up one way or another about how they think things work, they just aren't going to change it. If people minded their own business and concerned themselves with worrying about their own happiness, wouldn't that be nice?

  17. Lea -- oh yes, that would be nice indeed. It would also be the end of the world as we know it!

    All I can say is, those who refuse to play with married folks are missing out on a lot of potentially wonderful spank-mates.

  18. Crazy, isn't it? An old schoolfriend of mine was a member of a 1960s Australian pop group called "The Flying Circus." They had a hit with an innocuous song called "Hayride". It was banned from play in some places because of a line about "making love in the hay." Meanwhile, young men from both sides and Vietnamese civilians were being slaughtered in a pointless war and these people thought it was OK.
    People are strange.

  19. John -- those last three words about sum it all up, I'd say.

  20. Very well put, Erica. I think you pointed out a lot to true-isms (pro and con) that could be potentially overlooked by some. I have not read the post personally, but did find myself disqusted over what I did hear. I struggle constantly with the freedom of opinions in regards to the internet and the multitude of people out there expressing themselves that are ignorant and lack perspective, especially when it appears that their intentions are not good when they target specific names rather than ideas/topics. Ah, f++k!

  21. Cali -- my sentiments exactly. It's a slippery slope, expressing opinions about others, especially when they aren't around to tell their side of things.

  22. I've been sitting on my comment for a couple of days. This is not something I would ever judge anyone for, because every person's emotional state is different, but I am one of those people who will absolutely not play with a married person. Here's why: I get emotionally, sexually, and romantically attached to my spankers. This might make me less sophisticated, but I know my limit and I know I can't change it. For the protection of my heart, I will not go there.

    However, I also would never publicly speculate about what other people do because I realize that my own limitations aren't others'. It's definitely narrow-minded to believe that everyone functions the same way -- or that one's own opinion even matters when it comes to the relationships of others.

    At the same time, I don't think it's ok to condemn anyone for refusing to play with married people. It goes both ways here. Everyone has their own motivations, and you cannot see behind closed doors or into someone's heart. Perhaps they, like me, aren't close-minded, but protective.

    Anyway, that's my two cents -- which may be worth a great deal less.


  23. Pink -- 1) You're absolutely right, it goes both ways. 2) What works for you, works for you, and what doesn't, doesn't. I don't think it has anything to do with sophistication, just your heart. 3) It's true, a certain detachment and compartmentalization is mandatory. Some can't go there. And 4) Your two cents are always welcome and worth plenty around here. ♥ So thanks.

  24. Phew...I was silly and worried about raising my hand and saying, "Me. I won't play with married people." Lol. Of course you would encourage opinions -- no shortage of open minds here. :)

  25. Pink -- the folks who irk me are the ones who moralize about playing with married people. Not the ones who have an emotional reason for their choice, as you do.

  26. Erica:

    You've been a dear friend, a great confidante, a wonderful sounding board and an amazing play partner. There's no doubt I've loved you and continue to love you. But as you say, loving someone and being IN love with someone are very different things. People can speculate all they want. It's one of the things that annoys me about the scene. People should mind their own business and stick to their own issues. If anyone wants to know what's what with me, just come and ask.


  27. Craig -- Amen. And thank you. :-)