Nerves

The pre-party buzz has been happening for a while now, and with the Shadow Lane party in less than two weeks, it's kicking into high gear. As are my nerves.

You know, I annoy the hell out of myself. I've been going to these things since 1997. J is with me, so I'm never alone. I have friends there; I'm not walking into a room filled with strangers. I know the drill at these things, I know how to find room parties, I know what to bring, I know what to expect (more or less). I love spanking and lots of it. So why am I still nervous after all this time?

Can't help it. I just am. I'm a skittish cat, as J calls me. No matter how many times I do this, I'm going to be nervous about it.

Part of it is the smorgasbord effect. I don't play that often anymore on my own, for various reasons. There are many friends and spankers whom I don't get to see, except for at these parties. So after months of starving, I enter this buffet, and I want to cram everything and everyone into a mere 2 1/2 days. And I can very easily end up making myself sick. I want to talk and hug and kiss and laugh and reminisce and play and play and PLAY and I can't do it all. Especially since, unlike some of my friends, I cannot do without sleep. Erica without sleep is a disaster in the making, a meltdown waiting to happen. If I take time to sleep in, to take naps, etc., I will lose valuable time I could be with friends. But if I don't, I won't be worth a damn to those friends anyway.

Part of it is my own fears of not being "enough." Will I be able to successfully give attention to everyone who desires it from me? And if I don't, will they be hurt? Pissed off at me? Think I'm a snob? Or worse, God forbid, think I'm a wimp and I can't take as much as I used to? Yes, I know that last one is stupid. But I reach a point sometime on Sunday where I wish I could just keep going on and on, but my body (particularly my butt) is screaming, "No, no, NO!" And I get frustrated with myself.

And finally, my own personality and nature is at war with itself. We have Erica the attention whore and the insatiable spankee, to whom these parties are as essential as air. Who thrives on the infectious enthusiasm and the sheer joy of these events, coming out of herself and blossoming like a hothouse flower. And then there is the Erica who gets overwhelmed, who doesn't do well in crowds, who tires and burns out and wants to go hole up and be a quiet little Troglodyte. The quieter, loner side of me is the way I live most of my life day to day. I want to break away from that side for a while, and I do... but then I get tired and it comes back full force.

Yeah, I know you guys go through this with me every freaking time. A few of you get it; probably most of you shake your heads and wonder what my problem is. "What's she got to be nervous about?" "Snap out of it." I would love to, believe me. It's exhausting being so neurotic.

I have two fun events scheduled for this party; I'm fairly positive I'm shooting with Northern Spanking, and I'm doing an interview with Richard Windsor. I don't know which days or what time I'll be doing either of these. Many friends are coming, old ones and newer ones, and I've already had several people express the desire to spend time with me. Yes, it's lovely to be wanted! Remember, I'm the girl who still has the pre-party dream where I'm at the SL party and I'm either in the wrong place, or I'm there on the wrong weekend, or I can't find any of my friends, and I go all weekend without playing with anyone. Yes, I really do have that recurring nightmare. So it makes me very happy that reality is quite different. But it also makes me nervous, wondering how I'm going to fit everyone and everything in.

Believe it or not (I don't!), I actually got another offer for a video, to shoot with the Strictly Spanking NY people. Their reputation is stellar and I was so honored that they wanted me. However... their shoots are about pure discipline, no banter, no roleplay, just very hard spanking with hand, wooden paddle and a heavy strap. If I were doing this shoot as an isolated occurrence, no question, I'd be up for it. It would be challenging, but I'd want to do it. But during a party weekend, with a dozen or more other spankings? I can't. I don't have it in me; it would be too much. I hate that. I wish I could do it all. But I know myself, and I know that I'd be overextending myself if I committed to that on top of everything else I want to do.

How disgustingly ironic that I'm always wishing I could shoot more, and now I have to turn an opportunity down?? Unfortunate timing.

Bless J's heart, he knows what a freakazoid I am before these things. He's already listening to my frazzled ravings and telling me how much fun it's going to be and how I'll be fine once I get there. Oh, and in his infinite support, he's endeavoring to "toughen me up" for all the play. Several times this weekend, he was servicing me with one of his two @#$%ing hairbrushes. Thanks a lot, honey. And he wouldn't stop until I answered the question: "Why am I doing this?"

"Because you're a jerk?" No.
"Because you're a sadistic f***?" Wrong answer.
"I don't know." Sorry, that's wrong too.
"OWW!" Nope, try again.
"Because you're prepping me for the party, dammit!!" That's it! Now how about a thank you?

Arrrrrgggghhh.

I do think he goes too far when he puts that damn thing to my lips so I can kiss it. Today, I blew a big raspberry on it. Miraculously, he didn't start over; I guess it was too damned hot.

Anyway, it's late at night and I will probably wake up tomorrow and cringe that I laid my vulnerability and insecurity so bare, but what the hell. We're all nervous, people. Even the veterans. Cut others some slack, and cut some for yourself too. These parties bring many emotions, desires and awarenesses to bubble right under the surface; it's no wonder so many of us get a little nuts. I'm saying this more as a reminder to myself, but if it helps anyone else, then excellent. See y'all in a couple of weeks.