My not-so-secret secret

Let's review, kids (channeling Jules here): What's one of the biggest ongoing debates in the spanko world that will never have a definitive answer? That's right. Spanking + sex: yes or no?

I'm not going to debate that here today. Anyone who knows me, knows where I am on this. I happen to prefer keeping spanking and sex separate. Just like my cake-and-ice-cream analogy; I love both of those treats, but I don't like them mushed together on the same plate.

Please don't misunderstand me and think I don't like sex. I love it. However, when I'm in spanko mode, my needs are different. After a spanking, especially an intense one, my primary need is to be held and soothed. I need to feel contact, but more in a tender, caressing vein than in a sexual one.

I know a lot of people don't get this. In fact, sometimes I think the majority of spankos out there do prefer sex with their spanking. And more power to them -- enjoy all you can! Then there's the occasional gem like this, which I just received this morning:

Are you serious? How do you expect someone to pull up your dress, revealing your hot ass and legs encased in nylons and heels - not want to fuck you after they spank you???? Makes no sense

Makes no sense to you, honey. So I guess that means there's no room for discussion. Buh-bye.

HOWEVER...

Does this mean I don't get sexually aroused by spanking? Hell, no.

And after I'm back down to earth, after the subspace has lifted, yeah. Sometimes I do crave sexual release.

Because I have carefully drawn boundaries out of respect for John, sex with my play partners is not on the table. So when the need strikes during the week, I take care of it myself.

I've made no secret of the fact that I use a vibrator. I even wrote a silly post about it here. And I've experienced men using vibrators on me.

It used to be that I'd wait for my tops to leave (sometimes just barely). I joked with one of them that if he walked outside of my apartment and then listened carefully, he could probably hear me screaming. (Yes, I'm loud.) I never masturbated in front of any man -- sounds strange to some of you, I'm sure! But I was intensely private that way. A dichotomy, to be sure. Wanna spank me? Gather the audience, the bigger the better. But sex is between me and my partner, and no one else. Or between me and me, if it's self-pleasuring.

Until now. 

Steve didn't want me to do it after he left. He wanted to watch me.

At first, I felt squirmy and vulnerable. I didn't think I could do it; I thought I'd be too distracted. But he simply sat off to the side, not speaking, not touching, letting me concentrate. I shut my eyes tight and disappeared into the sensations, and then there it was.

He watched. And afterward, when I was shaking and recapturing my breath, he commanded me to lie still, don't move, rest. He then wrapped me in the comforter and held me, just as he had after the spanking. Told me how beautiful I was.

Perhaps it's part of the top experience for him. Watching me completely lose control, while he maintains his. I don't know. I don't understand how it all works. I only know that it does. Even after all these years and at my somewhat advanced age, I can still experience "firsts."

Once in a while, with my permission, he takes pictures. He's a man; he likes visuals. :-) He gives them to me, just as he gives me all the photos he takes. I've deleted them, because I don't find them appealing. However, one of them captured my bliss so perfectly, I had to keep it. I cropped it, of course. I prefer to leave certain things to the imagination. Then I gave it a black-and-white, softened treatment. I think it's sexy, but more artsy than porn-y. What do you think?

I debated for a long time about this post. Yes, I was shy about it. I may regret hitting "Publish." I may not. I may delete it. I may not. But for today, I felt like sharing another little piece of myself. And know that in doing so, I am still a sexy and desirable woman, even looking down the barrel of 56. ♥