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Monday, September 16, 2013

Ah, FetLife...

... how I love you. And how you annoy the crap out of me sometimes. 

(Warning: this is one long-ass post. Pull up a comfortable chair and grab a refreshing beverage.)

FetLife -- the kinky person's Facebook. Our cyber community, where pretty much everything (except for activity with children or animals) is allowed. The place is huge and circuitous, with many places to go and many people to meet. It can be the happiest place in your world... and it can also be a viper pit.

One big adult amusement park is our FetLife. It has ups and downs like a roller coaster. One day, you'll feel like you're in the Tunnel of Love. (And no, that is not a vaginal reference. Get your minds out of the gutter.) On another day, you may feel like you stumbled into the House of Horrors.

What do I love about FetLife? So much. The support, the validation, the sense of belonging. The camaraderie and banter, the various postings that can range from silly and bratty to poignant. The tsunami of interaction before, during and after a big event. And the great potential for kindness, as I saw last week.

Earlier last week, someone tweeted a rather insensitive and insulting comment about one of my pictures, which I'd posted both on my blog and on FL. It really threw me, to say the least -- this person hit me where I live. I nearly bought into it, too; I found myself looking at the picture and saying to myself, "What was I thinking, posting this? I look horrible!" I posted what had been written to me on the FetLife version of my photo. Then I almost took it down. 

Until the reactions started flooding in. The massive amount of comments, wall posts, and even private messages, telling me I looked great, don't listen to this person, who says things like that anyway, etc. We love you, Erica. 

Wow. I left the photo in place, and thanked everyone. I was so touched. People who knew me, people who didn't know me in person... it didn't matter. They all rallied to assuage my hurt feelings.

Last week, "DrLectr" started a new group called "Nice RAK: Random Acts of Kindness." I feel like I've been the recipient of many of these. Just last night, I had logged on and was catching up on the weekend's posts. I was feeling kind of blech, but I hadn't posted anything to that effect. Then, out of nowhere, Prux posted a hug on my wall. How did she know?? That simple gesture of sweetness turned my evening around.

So yes, FetLife can be a haven and a joy. Sometimes.

Then you have posts like last Friday. You all know the ongoing controversy: "Dick pics, yes or no?" Apparently, one woman likes them, and thoroughly dislikes anyone who disagrees with her. She posted a bit of a rant, starting out by saying she's sick of seeing women bitch and whine about dick pics, and how they should shut the fuck up and stop being "inconsiderate twats."

Well. Any point she could have made for her argument was lost, as far as I was concerned, with that combative attitude. However, that post took off like a firestorm. As of this writing, it has 2922 "loves" and a whopping 951 comments.

I am not going to debate this damned subject again. I don't like it when men have dick pics as their main avatar. Why? It has nothing to do whether or not I like the appendage. I happen to like them. But not particularly the ones on random strangers. And if I friend a man on FetLife whose avatar is a dick pic, that means every time he communicates with me, or every time he posts anything, his dick is in my feed. No, thank you. So I clearly state in my profile that I'm sorry, but I will not friend men with that particular avatar. I don't introduce myself with my snatch, and I'm not interested in men introducing themselves to me in that manner. "Hi, I'm so-and-so, and this is my cock."

Anyway... I did not read all those comments, but I scanned quite a few. They were surprising. A few people had the stones to disagree with the OP (Original Poster). Others sort of agreed, but took a milder stance. But the majority of the replies? As militant and angry as the OP. "Hear, hear!" "Yeah!" "They really do need to STFU!" "Enough with the male-bashing!" (Never mind that the OP was bashing certain women, but I guess that's OK??) "I love cock!" One charming gentleman stated that the only way to handle a woman who complains about said photos is to ram a dick down her throat until all she can do is gag and drool. Oooooh, classy.

And then there was this.

Most women who are on this fetish site and state they hate looking at profiles with dick pics, do so mainly to send a message for other women that they are bisexual and interested in women.

Are you @#$%ing kidding me? There are people who actually believe this? If I'd been drinking something, I would have spewed it onto the screen. The sheer ignorance of this statement made my brain explode.

OK, I'm not going to speak for the masses, just for myself. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but that's one hell of an assumption, pal. Guess what? I'm straight. I happen to love men's bodies, and I love women's bodies too, even though I'm not sexually drawn to them. I do not hate dicks. I think a lover's erect penis is a beautiful thing. There, I said it. But note the lover. Not some disembodied stranger.

I like to put "loves" on many pictures on FetLife. I have loved photos of men's fit and sculpted bodies. I have also loved photos of some women's nude bodies, because I found them artistic and aesthetically pleasing. However, I have never "loved" a man's dick pic. Does that make me a prude? Or a male-basher? News flash -- I've never "loved" a twat shot, either. Or a "take a ride up Anal Alley" shot, for that matter. If I wanted to look at a#$holes all day, I'd go to medical school and study proctology.

So yes. Bodies, lovely. Genitalia? Not my thing. That doesn't make me a bad person, or a person who needs to shut the fuck up. It's not like I'm going on these people's profiles and pictures and posting, "Ewwwww, I don't want to see that." But I'm entitled to my opinion and my preferences. So you shut the fuck up, OP.

As for the bashing accusation -- saying I don't like dick pics is not male bashing. My own brand of "bashing" is unisex. I unleash my snark only when someone is rude to me or gets in my face. And it doesn't matter what gender they are. 

Yeah, FetLife. Some days, I wish I could quit you. Some days, you show me the seedy underbelly of the scene, the rotten sides of human nature. But then again, vanilla sites aren't much better when it comes to ignorance, bigotry and mean-spirited crap. And I can't find real connection on vanilla sites; people who truly get me and accept me. So I'll be sticking around good old FetLife, despite my days of disillusionment and frustration. Because the people I love on there go a long way in making up for the BS.

Oh, and to those who feel the need to post unkind remarks to people's pictures and videos, to rain on their parade? Just remember this:




Soooo, bye now. I'd say don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out, but, truth be told, I'd enjoy seeing that. :-)

23 comments:

  1. Well Said Erica...I remember this post and I was in total agreement with what you said....It was amazing watching all the comments...But dicks are not what I want to see either when communicating with someone...

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  2. Nancy -- yup, you were there. Can you believe how that thing took off? I was surprised, honestly. I've heard way more women say they DON'T like the pics, than ones who say they DO. But you'd never know it, reading that post!

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  3. I missed this one. Not sorry I did though. I was taking a break from Fet because the crazies were getting under my skin. There really are days I swear they ran out of meds at the psych ward and they just put the patients on FetLife to keep them occupied until a shipment of antipsychotic drugs can arrive. But, like you said, the good folks make it worth it. Chin up Erica, you know who your friends are. Keep 'em close. ;-)

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  4. Hi Erica -- I am glad that ,I am not on FetLife,Cause that place can be very dark :-( There is always some IDIOT that has to look for trouble.I am on your side 100% I agree that you will know who your true friends are.I am one of them :-) Just keep your chin up,You are so much better than them.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

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  5. Chief -- I do, and you're one of them! :-) Good description re. some days on Fet. "Thorazine, stat!"

    Jade -- yes, FetLife is not a good place for you. Even though there's a lot of spanko talk, I don't think you'd like it there at all.

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  6. I'm glad I can see you on Twitter, because somehow I really soured on FetLife -- so many people I like are there but I found myself being pissed off too often.

    (Your pictures are lovely by the way and that comment was a bizarre remark.)

    As to the dick pics, I can't connect with a guy who'd have it as his profile picture. It's like "talk to the hand" but ruder (for me anyway).

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  7. Mija -- I suppose one could say it's hypocritical of me, considering I have bottom pictures as my avatar sometimes. But I don't think that's quite the same. Backsides aren't genitalia. Besides... "I'm so sick of seeing women's bare asses!" Said no man, ever. :-)

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  8. To be very honest, I have lost a lot of interest in Fetlife. But you and a handful of others motivate me to at least read postings there.
    YES. I did see that ridiculous tirade of that person. I wanted to counter her asinine statement. But so many others beat me to it. Like you, I like cocks that belong to people I am familiar with or WANT to be familiar with at some point. LOL
    Random genital pics of BOTH genders in my feed just seem obnoxious to me and cause me to skip over what may be otherwise "riveting" commentary by those posters.
    At least one asshole made a comment about women who show their bare asses on there are no better that people who show their dicks and snatches, too.

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  9. I feel that genital pics are just another example of how our culture is sinking below the horizon.

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  10. Erica, I once wrote a love poem that goes something like this. "I kiss they forehead, beloved mine. I kiss thine eyes that brightly shine. I kiss thy lips that love desires, I kiss then for they so inspire. I kiss thy breasts that stand affirm. I kiss each one. Each one in turn. I kiss they bottom, those mounds of pleasure. I kiss thy vagina. Thy sexual treasure. I kiss thy lower limbs. In garter-belt and hose. I kiss you all over. Down to your toes. XXX Luv ya

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  11. The anger and ignorance that poops up on Fet (and other social networks) is discouraging. I remember seeing the "dick pic" post hit K&P and simply skipped over it. The author was obviously in rant mode, not enlightened discussion mode. When the preview to a post is so lacking in form and respect I simply don't read it, keeps my life from getting cluttered with other people's foolishness. (I have enough of my own foolishness in my life.)

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  12. I guess there are some people who only want to see the genitalia from what was apparently said. I am glad I missed that and I haven't been on FL for a couple of months.

    I think it is about having a sense of decency and good taste. Sure, there are a lot of people that are exhibitionists and their counterpart voyeurs. I just don't think the avatar is the place for letting it all hang out and that goes for both men and women. If they want to post their goods, they can do that in their pic file.

    I rejected a friend request once because the avatar was a gal performing a blowjob on the guy who was requesting to be a friend. Sorry. I don't like avatars picturing sexual acts, either.

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  13. Kelly -- yeah, I don't quite see boobs and bottoms in the same category, but perhaps that's just me. Who knows.

    OBB -- to be fair, it *is* a fetish site. My problem in this case wasn't the posting of them. It was the writer's attitude that everyone who doesn't like them should shut the eff up.

    Six -- you know, I have no idea what to say to that. It's very personal. :-) But thank you.

    Anonymous -- exactly. I didn't object to her topic or point, just how she expressed it. In truth, people have a right to post what they want on an adult fetish site. But people also have a right to choose not to look at certain things.

    Bobbie Jo -- I think everyone was trying to say "Hear, hear, we should be able to show what we want without judgment." But the anger and the militant attitude overrode the point. Yup, I'll pass on the BJ shots too. :-)

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  14. Well I downed a nice bottle of Canadian beer......wonderful post and love the commentary. I do agree dick and bj shots are just not needed.

    Thanks for the thoughts and comments.

    Always
    Ron

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  15. The great liberal intellectual wave.
    As long as they don't have to look at dick.
    Classic phonies.

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  16. Ron -- I would imagine alcohol enhances a rant, huh? :-)

    Tom -- Hmmm. And yet you're wasting your time reading a liberal phony's blog. How sad for you. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Not really but was enjoyable!
      Always
      Ron

      Delete
  17. For me, the FetLife dick pic does serve a purpose. I can decide immediately that I want nothing to do with that individual. I'd allow that there are reasons for it and some people that appreciate it, but it's an excellent way for me to distinguish who I'd like to know online and who I wouldn't. It works the same way as a post full of spelling and grammatical errors. I guess I'm just a judgemental old cuss :)

    I do think Fetlife is missing a technology opportunity. What about a little trashcan (or used condom?) icon sitting on their black background somewhere, such that I could drag the person's post on top of it and it would prompt me to hide all of that person's posts in the future? Then the first dick pic would the person's last for me, but other less judgemental people could be happy viewing it.

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  18. Anonymous -- they do something they call a "gag" feature, where if you don't want to see someone's posts/pictures on your feed, you can click on the gag button and see them no more (and you can un-gag them in the future, if you choose to). Unfortunately, that option is available only if you are a subscriber. I choose to subscribe, because it's only $5 a month and without it, I wouldn't be able to view or post videos, either.

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  19. Sir -- certainly; it's Erica_Scott.

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  20. I read this on your FetLife already and totally agree. The internet makes it easy for people to be anonymous and make nasty comments one would doubtfully ever say in person. That is certainly one of the downsides. FL can be entertaining though, even laughing at some of the trolls, and of course the good and thought provoking discussions. I joined the RAK group but still need to check it out further.

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  21. Lea -- gotta say, FetLife made me very happy today, with a lot of wonderful birthday wishes. :-)

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