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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

My strange addiction

I'm going to ramble today. I hope no one minds.

It's Wednesday afternoon. I have many odds and ends of things to do, including work. Just finished one project, though, so I'm rewarding myself with a little break. My concentration is off, anyway.

There is an interesting pattern to my weeks, when they run according to schedule. Mondays are a whirlwind of anticipation, then sensory overload (the good kind), then oblivion. Tuesdays have a strange, other-worldly feel to them. I'm still tender, usually quite sleepy, and although I'm functional, I have a sense of still being in that other realm, the realm of peace and unreality, where my whole world is one room, one other person, and sensation. Little fazes me. Given my preference, I will stay in all day and evening and not venture out.

By Wednesday, I'm definitely back in reality, and that restlessness is rearing its annoying head once again. I'm distracted, once again aware of bills, noisy neighbors, chores, things that need my attention. So I go through the day, tick things off the "to-do" list, do a killer workout and bid any lingering spanking soreness good-bye for another week.

Thursday is tough. Thursday, I'm in full withdrawal mode. I'm craving attention and stimulation, and the smallest irritants make me want to shoot quills like a porcupine. On Tuesday, if I'm out and about and someone cuts me off on the road, I calmly brake and wave them on. Of course you can go ahead of me! Nice car, BTW. Have a super-nice day. But cut me off on Thursday, and I'll want to impale you on your car's tailpipe.

Friday is a turnaround day. I'm looking forward to being with John, to getting away for a couple of days, to his comfortable companionship and love, so my mood lifts for the weekend. And then Monday, the cycle starts over.

Last month, Alex Reynolds wrote a blog she called Be Here, Now, which discussed her tendency to be all over the place mentally, rather than staying in the moment, in the here and now, and how she's learning how to do the latter. This post resonated with me, because this is exactly how I am. My mind is constantly leaping ahead, flitting around from one thing to the next. Because I live alone and have done so for so long, I am deeply internally focused and it's hard for me sometimes to not go inward when I'm with others, and space out about God knows what. John has often gotten annoyed with me because he can tell I'm only half-listening to him, while my mind is on any of 15 different other things. I don't mean to do this and I don't like that I do it, but I can't seem to help it. It's not like ADD, I don't think -- I can sit still, I can focus on work or a book or whatever, but my mind wants to go places.

I've come to realize that one of the few times I'm in the moment is when I'm in a spanking session. When I'm with my top, as I've mentioned before, the world goes away. I'm in a protective bubble -- there are no phones, no bills, no appointments, no responsibilities. Ever since I read Alex's blog, I've had a heightened awareness of this. And whenever I find that I'm with Mr. D and my mind is starting to go elsewhere, I catch it and simply say to myself, "Be here, now," and I come back into the bubble.

In this bubble, I'm not nervous and neurotic and insecure. In this bubble, I am beautiful and sexy and confident. I am a deeply passionate woman, unencumbered by day-to-day trivia that tires me, ages me, wears me down. A former top used to tell me that, right after an intense spanking with the tension drained from my face, I looked like I was about 20.

It's like my father used to say about his drinking. When he drank, he felt like he was taller, funnier, handsomer, a better dancer.

I'm someone else, and yet I'm not. I'm a better and happier me, a more aware me. But it's not reality. I mean, it's really a part of me, but it's too separate and pure to maintain.

It's times like these that I more fully understand what drives addiction. Granted, with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc., there is physical and chemical addiction. But mine is emotional, and in its way, just as powerful. I crave it as fiercely. That bubble, that serenity. That complete hedonistic basking in attention, in pain, in pleasure. That escape.

There, I said it. It's a form of escapism, no different from chemical substances that others seek in order to get away from reality for a little while. Granted, it won't kill me, give me cirrhosis of the liver or lung cancer. My indulgence in it harms no one else. But I still feel the effects of its withdrawal and I have to come to terms with that, each week.

Mr. D told me that, if I ever get into a bad place again like I was over Christmas, I am to call him. But this neediness isn't like that bad, sad wreck of a place. It's a cranky internal demand for attention, a rebellion against real life. I wouldn't call him over this. I may feel like a whiny brat, but I'm not going to act like one. I will acknowledge the existence of that side of me and deal with it.

I really don't know who will relate to this. Those who live in DD relationships, who get spanked all the time in a consenting partnership of one sort or another, may not comprehend the sense of withdrawal and the clamorous need. Those who are spanked infrequently and never know when the next time will be, might be thinking, "What is she bitching about? She only has to wait a week in between!" This isn't bitching, even though it may seem as such. It's pondering. It's coming to terms with my patterns, my needs, and yes, my emotional addiction of sorts.

Anyway. I told you I was going to ramble. Reality came back last night with a rude thump, when I spoke with John on the phone. From his first hello, I could hear in his voice that something was off. John carries a lot of cash with him, which has always made me a little nervous. He keeps it in his pants pocket in a small binder clip. He's never lost that clip before... until yesterday. One little slip, one moment of unawareness or distraction, and poof! $500 gone.

He didn't even sound angry or frustrated, just sad and tired, and my heart ached for him. I hate when bad things happen to him. I want to fix them and I can't. And then, selfishly, I wanted to go back into my bubble, where I'm unaware of bad things. Where I no longer feel the toothache that's been nagging at me for months. Where I don't miss people. Where I don't worry.

Meh. Enough already. I'm going to get ready for the gym now. I'll even end on a funny note. He may kill me for this, but I'll chance it!

Mr. D is a very busy man with his business, and constantly on the road, on the phone, etc., multi-tasking and working long hours. So if we have any communications during the week, it's usually just a quick line or two via email or text, or a brief call. And sometimes with his messages, I can tell he's distracted.

Yesterday after I blogged, he sent me this: "Absolutely loved your blob."

I laughed myself silly over that one. Even called him and said, "Reread what you just wrote to me." He did, while I howled hysterically. God, I'm obnoxious. :-D

How does one withdraw from spanking/endorphin addiction, anyway? (And don't say cold turkey sandwiches, Danny, or I'll fly to CO and kick you.)




25 comments:

  1. I would be ready to throw up on the spot if I ever lost that amount of money.

    I would never judge someone by how much or often they require/desire spankings. I have come to the realization that my love of spanking is deeply ingrained-will never completely diminish. But I find my desire stays stronger immediately after I've gotten spanked. But if a long time lapses like in weeks/months then my desire is typically less noticeable. I think it's a fortunate reaction for me almost like if I CAN'T have it due to financial limitations, hectic schedule, etc, then I DON'T want it. LOL!

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  2. Hi Erica I can relate to what you wrote, I hope this make's sense,Due to personal family problem's and tragedy and me being sick, i haven't been spanked in 12 year's that's a long freakin time :-( I miss it TERRIBLY i crave it everyday, I long to go to that happy place where i am safe and i can get away from reality :-( I have craved attention my whole life,when i don't get it i get very irritated. OMG i feel so sad for John that's TERRIBLE $500 dollar's is a lot of money to lose :-( I don't think your addiction is strange at all,because i have it too.Much Love and hug's from naughty girl Jade

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  3. Kelly -- in the days before I had regular play partners (I had them, but they were a lot more sporadic), I'd go weeks and months too. And it drove me CRAZY! I used to wish my desire would fade, but no such luck. :-)

    Jade -- perhaps strange wasn't the best word. It's certainly different, though. One doesn't usually think of spanking when one thinks of addiction, you know?

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  4. I feel for John, it is a lot to lose.

    To save Danny from the wrath of Erica, I will say it from the other side of the big pond +1500 miles- Cold Turkey sandwiches is one solution, but they are extremely hard to cope with and not always successful.

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  5. TLB -- LOL! It was a bit of silliness with Danny that got out of hand, as most of Danny silliness does. Something about how he can't quit cold turkey because he likes the sandwiches too much.

    I actually love turkey sandwiches, but they make for a lousy substitute for spanking.

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  6. Erica,

    I'm also on a weekly schedule (save a few welcome exceptions). I can completely relate.

    There is only one effective cure for us spankos and it's the hair of the dog... :)

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

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  7. Like your lap am on the road but love this post.....you described that spanking spot so eloquently!
    More to follow
    Thanks
    Always
    Ron

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  8. Bonnie -- you're right. Just have to wait for more! :-)

    Ron -- thanks. :-)

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  9. Erica, your philosophic prose is outstanding. When you spew it out, it just flows to a crescendo upwards, to make your point. You would have made a good teacher in life.

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  10. Six -- thanks, but no, I wouldn't. I don't have the patience for it.

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  11. So Tuesday is Super Happy Fun Time, and Thursday is Kill ALL the People. I can relate, except that I have more Thursdays than Tuesdays. LOL

    I completely understand about that drop after the spanking is over and there won't be any for a while. I also understand the craving. I go long periods of time between being spanked, especially these days, but that need doesn't actually go away.

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  12. Jen -- it's classic. Today, I feel like crap. And I'm mad at myself for feeling that way.

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    1. Okay, that's your first mistake. You can't get mad at yourself for how you feel. You can CHANGE how you feel if you work on it, but when an emotion comes up, it's a natural progression from what happened earlier in the week. You know that you have this roller coaster, and you just have to deal with each hill and dip as it comes.

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    2. I know you're right. I am who I am. Sometimes, I just find myself tiresome.

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  13. Thank you for that wonderful ramble. I have always admired writers and their ability to capture moments of reality. I enjoy stepping into those moments and existing there. It is truly a mini vacation. Thanks again.

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  14. Anonymous -- thank YOU. Yes, it's a mini vacation each time; it's free, no travel hassles, no TSA. :-)

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  15. I can relate to this. I think it is part of the whole desire for not just the attention, but what comes with it: someone who cares enough to give us what we need as they receive what they need, too. It is different for a top, but there is, I believe, such a thing as "topspace." Tops have the need as we bottoms do. So we give each other that sense of trust and caring, however different.

    Imagine having never been in the scene, not even knowing there was a scene. Then the feeling comes on so strong you have to do something about it. It seems to be a craving that has always been there whether we were ever spanked or not. It is ingrained and never goes away. It can lie dormant, for a while, but eventually it comes to the surface and demands attention. Then it is we search for that someone who will meet that need. Sometimes it can be a long search. Sometimes we get fortunate.

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  16. Hi Erica,

    Am settled so a few comments here, besides your detaile spanking adventures I so love how you totally describe the head space of being spanked, just love it. Also your reveiw of where you mind is during a normal week is just fascinating and so well written, thank you for that.

    One thing we should never give away or look to escape is the spanking bubble....it is a wonderful place and honestly here, yes having a few beers or glasses of wine is sort of the same but what I love about giving or recieving a sound spanking is jst heaven, that bubble is just amazing.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and mind and head space. Love it my dear.

    Always
    Ron

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  17. Bobbie Jo -- very good points. I agree about "topspace" -- why would tops engage in this play if they weren't getting something out of it as well? And I totally agree that these feelings and cravings are innate. There's always the nature-vs.-nurture controversy about where kinks come from; I'm of the nature opinion.

    Ron -- I think I am my father's daughter that way. He escaped into alcohol, and I escape into spanking. Kind of odd, but the euphoria is the same. I wish he were here so I could ask him what replaced the alcohol bubble for him in his last 10 years, when he was sober.

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    Replies
    1. Erica
      Not add at all, life and I also can chime in on the head space of a lap....it is the same feeling for me when I have a lovely and caring lady over my lap...love that space totally in fact love it as much as when I am over a caring lap....that spanking bubble does work both ways.
      Always
      Ron

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  18. I can see what you mean. It are indeed needs, no wants (thus no bit ching). Needs express themselves even more fiercely when a regular patterns, for some reason, is broken - I mean, when the cycle gets occasionally takes more time. More specifically: tonighjt it must really happen. ;-)

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  19. MrJ -- cell phone message? :-)

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  20. It happened. And it worked.
    Missed the cell-phone message, though. ;-)

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  21. My first thought here is that you should stay off of Fetlife on Thursdays. ;-) I can kind of see where you're coming from about the need and the withdrawal. Especially after a more intense or emotionally driven spanking I get like that. I feel a bit more needy afterwards, when normally I'm pretty independent and like to have my space.

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  22. Lea -- I'm all about independence and space, which is why that neediness gets me so irritable. It's counter to my intuitive way of life, dammit! :-)

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