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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Goofy threats

Mr. D is fond of them. Whenever I express dislike or distaste for something or another, he likes to say, "I ought to tie you up and make you"...whatever. Couple of examples?

"I ought to tie you up and make you watch "The Hangover." (Because he knows, with rare exceptions, that I detest lowbrow humor and I wish I'd never heard of Judd Apatow or the Farrelly brothers.)

"I ought to tie you up and make you watch Fox News." (Because, well, I don't need to explain that one.)

Really, if one wants to punish me, there are so many ways. Another couple could be:

"I ought to tie you up and make you eat cottage cheese." (Unless you have a vomit fetish, I would strongly advise against that.)

"I ought to tie you up and make you watch a Three Stooges marathon." (Oh, please, please, anything but that. Seriously. They make me sick. I can't stand the sight or the sound of them.)

What would be a goofy but utterly effective threat for you? (In Pixie's case, I know that would be "I ought to tie you up and make you eat green beans.")

Speaking of silly threats (and yes, I'm about to shamelessly name-drop) -- years ago at a Shadow Lane party, completely flabbergasted at my insatiability even on the Sunday night of a three-day spankfest, Keith Jones blustered, "I'm going to spank you until you can't sit down for a minute!"

Yeah, that's about right. :-)

C'mon, reader participation time!


  1. "Tie you up and tickle you" might get my attention. Or "Tie you up and make you watch [insert terrible movie title here]". .... "Tie you up and cook fish an lobster" seriously, is there a worse smell in the world?

  2. Anonymous -- LOL! I love fish and lobster, but yeah, they don't smell that great cooking!

  3. I totally agree with you about Fox News, and the cottage cheese, that stuff is wrong in every possible way. LOL I couldn't agree with you about The Three Stooges until I was a teenager. I loved them as a kid, but then when I got older it all just looked like pain (the wrong kind!). I also like the first Hangover movie, but not the second one. Part of me has refused to grow up. :)

    G. could threaten to tie me up and make me watch all kinds of wrong things. Gangnam Style for the millionth time, or that Call Me Maybe fucking song, which drives me insane. Anything Justin Beiber would do it, or the Honey Boo Boo show, or anything about the Kardashians. Luckily Paris Hilton has disappeared from the universe otherwise anything about her would count too! He won't threaten to make me eat cauliflower or broccoli, because he hates the stuff too, luckily, so I caught a break on that!

  4. OK, agree totally on Fox News....for me I would end the threat with ....make you watch you eat sushi...make you pay all your bills on time....make you eat at Red Lobster....make you eat at Fridays.....make you drink Rum ( am allergic )....make you go to NJ Division of Motor Vehicle ( have to live in NJ to understand )....make you have to listen to politicians every year....make you really care about politics....make you believe the corporate world really gives a crap about me....make me really care that my love of spanking and panty is odd......make you not enjoy my family and children....make me not love ladies bottoms.....

    I could go for hours, I love this post, thank you Erica, good one.


  5. Jen -- oh gawd, yes. Totally agree with Honey BooBoo/Bieber/Kardashian.

    Ron -- no sushi for you, huh? :-) I don't like Red Lobster, either. They are to seafood what Olive Garden is to Italian food.

  6. Hi Erica -- This is AWESOME :-)Make me like my dad's ugly and crazy girlfriend,who i call the ape UGH it would NEVER happen.Make me eat cottage cheese YUCK it is DISGUSTING looking.Now make Miss Kelly Payne spank me over her knee HELL YEAH :-)Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  7. Jade -- someday, I'll have to tell the story of my cottage cheese trauma. Someone tried to make me eat it when I was very small.

  8. Erica

    No thank you but well said about Olive Garden.

    Cottage Cheese..tell us all please.

    Ugh, am on the road in Syracuse, came into my room, few beers, some TV.....freakin Three Stooges movie on HBO...just laughed thinking of your post!!

    I really love this post, and you but this one I have been smiling all evening!!


  9. Ought to tie you up and make you watch Eastenders would be my wifes threat.....Gord blimme guv'nor, leave it owt.

  10. gary -- I had to Google that! Wow, it's been on since 1985. I guess some people must like it. :-)

  11. Might sound silly to some but tomato sauce, can't stand the smell. With you on the cottage cheese, yuck.


  12. "Tie you up and make you watch Ashley and Brittany (Honey Boo Boo would work as well.)

    "Tie you up and make you listen to a whistled version of Holly Jolly Christmas" because I hate the song and can't stand whistling.


  13. Just to be fair and balanced, we like cottage cheese with pineapple chunks. It tastes best when watching Fox or Fox Business.

  14. "Tie you up and make you edit" or "Tie you up and make you listen to pop music" (My younger sister plays that shit way too loud as it is), or "Tie you up and make you eat brussel sprouts"

  15. I have always wanted to meet Erica in person just to say 'Hi". But after I tie her up and make her listen to Christmas music for a solid 48 hours I am not sure I want to let her get that close. I did remember the name - How is Becca doing? Hal

  16. Ok. Tie you up and make you eat any kind of cooked yellow squash with nothing on it. Blech! Tie you up and make you eat canned peas.

    I happen to like green beans and brussel sprouts and ate them when I was a kid. I also would eat everybody's spinach at school.

    Tie me up and make me watch bloody horror flicks.

    Tie me up and make be do paperwork for 24 hrs. I hate paperwork!

    I admire proofreaders! Especially the owner of this blog!

  17. Ronnie -- we all have our food things. I love tomato sauce, but can't stand tomato soup. Go figure.

    Hermione -- interesting about whistling! Never gave that any thought, but yes, it can be annoying.

    OBB -- what a terrible thing to do to delicious pineapple. :-)

    Breanna -- yes! Making me listen to rap or hiphop would make me slam my head into unconsciousness.

    Hal -- she is well. No longer in the scene, but has a very happy life.

    Bobbie Jo -- I too love green beans, Brussels sprouts and spinach, and most vegetables. Exceptions: bell peppers and beets, and raw onions (cooked are fine).

  18. I'll tie you up and make you watch a Stand-Up Comedy Open Mic in the valley.


  19. Jon -- sometimes they can be funny!

  20. Oh wow. That's a really funny post. I'm still giggling about Keith's silly thread, you probably ALREADY couldn't sit down. What a dope he was being! (That's his behaviour, not HIM, since labels belong on jam jars, not humans)

    Hmmmmmm. Well, tie you up and then put bubble wrap in front of you and not let you pop any would be CRUEL. Seriously, very few people can see bubble wrap without having to pop at least three of the bubbles. Its a compulsion. I SWEAR, bubble wrap has some form of Jo Rowling's Imperious Curse in it, and it MAKES you pop the damn stuff!!...Oh, and its cheaper than therapy. ANd more effective, or so I'm told.

    Anything to do with Honey BooBoo (whoever the hell she is--and I can't even claim to be an ignorant Aussie, cause some Aussies know and hate her. I think I've seen photos of her, and they make me want to brush my teeth, just to get rid of the sickly-sweetness)/ Kardashians (Know of 'em. Don't give a rat's about them) or Bieber being AWFUL.

    Oddly enough, 'tie you up and NOT spank you' would be a good one, at least for our crowd.

    "Tie you up and play comedy movies/tv shows without letting you laugh or yell at the screen" comes to mind, too.

  21. Terri -- there is nothing even remotely sweet about Honey BooBoo. She is a repulsive child with an even more repulsive family. And every time I see her or hear about her, I fear for humanity.

    As for bubble wrap, I find it irresistible. Once, I had a lamp delivered and it came wrapped in enormous sheets with the really big, noisy bubbles. I laid them on the carpet and jumped all over them.

  22. "I am going to tie you up and make listen to my nails on a black board."
    "I am going to tie you up and make you eat pheasant." Yuk to both of them.

    And Kieth Jones! Massive swoon going on here- I have such a crush on him.

  23. One of the most awful threats I can think of: I ought to tie you up and read you that trilogy (the one that shall not be named), all three books! ;-) Fortunately, Ludwig would never do that because it would torture him as much as me.

  24. Abby -- I've never tried pheasant. Doesn't it taste like chicken? ;-)

    Kaelah -- OK, you win. That is the absolute worst!! LOL

  25. Pheasant has a very strong flavour, nothing like chicken at all (I saw your wink- but feel honour bound to explain how it tastes so you do not order it with some warning.). It tastes musty (the bird should hang for between five or ten days, some people have been known to hang them until the body drops from the neck.) To be me it tastes like gas (from a heater or an oven) smells.

  26. "Tie you up and make you eat collard greens while watching Fox News." A double whammie perhaps only topped by "Tie you up and make you listen to a Rush Limbaugh marathon." Collard greens were virtually force fed to us in school so no explanation needed. Great post, Erica. :)

  27. ...and you said to Mr Jones "Aw, come on Keith! Even a boiled egg takes three minutes!"


  28. Abby -- how bizarre. It's considered a delicacy! Then again, people rave about duck, and I can't stand it. I guess neither one of us likes the taste of game birds?

    Mitch -- I've never eaten a collard green in my life. As for Rush Limpdick, yes, that would be torture!

  29. I've never understood why some people thought the Three Stooges were funny. Nostalgia if you grew up with it I guess?

    A few people may have mentioned tying me up to force me to eat vegetables while driving on the freeway. Sounds terribly dangerous.

  30. Lea -- I dunno; I grew up with them and I hated them as a kid too! In fact, I was scared of them. They were so mean and loud and ugly and always hurting each other.

  31. I ought to tie you up and then drape myself over your lap and watch you shake in frustration.
    I ought to tie you up with duct tape and watch your brain explode as you think of the 100 better ways you could have used duct tape.
    I ought to tie you up and make you watch a Brothers And Sisters marathon while force feeding you lima beans.
    I ought to tie you up and drop you off in North Dakota in the middle of Winter.

  32. Sweetspot -- hah! That first one is a great turnabout!