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Friday, November 7, 2014

Enough with the damn shaming already!

It seems we live in a very shaming society. Fat-shaming, and its backlash sister, skinny-shaming. Slut-shaming. Kink-shaming. Age-shaming. Every time you turn around, there's something to be judged over and feel bad about. It gets old.

What's got me pissed off is more specifically the fat vs. thin shaming crap that goes on everywhere, including, yes, our beloved FetLife, which is supposedly a place of acceptance and inclusion. (Right. And the moon is a place of unicorns and fairies.)

You know, we all have our preferences. That's what makes the world go 'round, and that's what ensures that there's someone for everyone. So this isn't an argument about what's better, healthier, more pleasing aesthetically. This is about having your preferences and being able to express them in ways that don't insult all the other varieties. Why can't people just say they like something without throwing in how much the other somethings suck?

I've been all over the scale in my life. I've been this weight (120-125) for many years, but I was also down to 103 at one point, and up to 160 at another. I know all the feelings of the opposite extremes, have experienced all the reactions. So I feel like I can speak to this. Yes, I work hard to keep myself fit and on the thinner side, because that is my preference and that's what makes me feel best. But damned if I'm going to defend it just because people who are sick of fat-shaming feel the need to be just as rude and obnoxious to thin people.

Here's a perfect example, found on the Internet:

Oh, please. Yes, that's Marilyn Monroe, considered the sex symbol of the 20th Century. And the person on the right was deliberately chosen (and probably Photoshopped) to look extra thin. But, "fuck society"? Fuck you! Why the comparison? Why the need to put down one body type to build up the other? Stop stating your damn opinions as facts. What's attractive or not is your opinion... period. You don't speak for me or for anyone else. And honestly, your opinions lose a great deal of validity when you feel the need to back them with insults. 

So what got me going on this? A post on FetLife, what else. A 39-year-old guy from somewhere in New York wrote what he claimed was a tongue-in-cheek piece called "Why I'd Rather Play with a 'Bigger Than Skinny' Girl." Yes, the wording of that title is clumsy, but verbatim. He then went on to list the top 10 reasons why bigger is better.

I won't bother listing them. But here are a few highlights:

Bigger girls don't break when you beat on them. A cane on "skin and bones" = a trip to the ER.

He likes to socialize with food, and he hates how skinny women order "grilled chicken salads with no dressing, no croutons, and hold the bacon."

Bigger women have curves. If he wanted to play with a pine board, he'd go buy a play partner at Home Depot.

He likes his women feisty, and "92-pound women don't struggle." They're too weak.

You get the idea. Anyway, this thing exploded. To date, it has gotten 2,344 "loves" and a whopping 732 comments. And because it pissed off a lot of people, he wrote a couple of edits, including this one, which I'm quoting in part: 

I'm not "skinny shaming" or whatever the fuck that is folks. This was a tongue in cheek piece meant to make you giggle. If you don't get the joke and understand the concept of irony, then you're a jackass. The whole point was to have everyone reflect on how stupid it is to judge someone on weight.

Oh, baloney. You want to indicate how stupid it is to judge someone on weight, by writing a piece that judges on weight?? Brilliant. 

A lot of the comments were even worse than the original piece. People get very militant about weight discussions, and many cheered him, adding their own snarks and outrageously hostile barbs to thin people while they were at it. One of my favorites:

When I top, I like to see bruises. On the bottom. Not on me from their hipbones.

*insert massive eye roll here*

Of course, there was backlash. Many people didn't like it and said so. They were sneered at, told they had no sense of humor, that they need to shut the fuck up, etc. Because of course, if you disagree with someone's writing, you're instantly a humorless, brainless a-hole.

I stopped reading after one commenter wrote:

The best thing about sex with a fat girl is you know she'll always swallow.

When I found myself screaming at the computer monitor and wanting to punch this pig in the face, I knew I needed to log off and get away from this BS. So I finally did. But damned if I wasn't going to blow off some steam over it.

You like big women? Play with them, and Godspeed to you. You like small women? Same thing. Say what you prefer? Yes, you're allowed, if you're polite about it. But shut up with your stupid put-downs and your shaming of the types that don't meet your standards. Just knock it off. Nobody wants to hear you or read you.

A few thoughts -- yup, I like grilled chicken salad with no croutons and no bacon. String me up! What do you care what I eat when I go out with you? You want me there for my company, or do you simply want someone there to justify your own food choices? I happen to like salads and vegetables. I also happen to love chocolate and bread. Eat what you want, let me eat what I want, and mind your own damn business.

Hmmm. I've been playing relatively hard for many years, and I've never ended up in the ER. I've never broken. And as for thin girls not being feisty, well... raising hand. Don't make me come rain my snarkasm on your sorry ass.

You know those two rounded blobs of flesh on my chest? They're called boobs. And those things that round out below my waist? Those are my hips. I do too have curves, and don't you forget it. I've never had anyone confuse me for lumber at Home Depot. 

Anyway, enough. I'm sure I made way too big a deal out of this, but sometimes, the camel's back breaks. (Especially if it's a skinny camel -- HAR!) And I get so damn sick of stupid people. I really do need to find my own planet. But until I do, I will settle for a hearty rant now and then to help keep myself sane.

When I posted my comment to the thread in question (and I was quite civil, I might add), I ended it by saying it was just my two cents. Then I added, "Well, since I'm thin, I guess it's only worth one-and-a-half cents." :-) OK, so I couldn't resist a little sarcasm.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stop bitching and go do some work, which is really what I should have been doing yesterday instead of tormenting myself with idiocy.

Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. I've noticed that in the last couple months several people have disappeared from FetLife, probably because of the critical, judgmental attitude there in so many areas, such as this one. It is just plain sad to me. Sure wish everyone could be a little more accepting and kind.

    Hope you are starting to feel much better, post surgery.


  2. Pam -- yeah, it is sad. I'm not participating there as much as I used to.

    I'm hanging in there, thanks.

  3. YES!
    The INSTANT any post like that becomes visible it's clear it was written to incite many people and nothing positive can be taken from those types of writings...Assholes clearly want to demonstrate just HOW large of a collective asshole they can be!I saw this post the day it was written and intentionally refrained from adding my own thoughts. I did see a terrific remark I'm paraphrasing where the poster suggested people should stop "human shaming."

    I was just as put off from the people who identified as fat who launched into obnoxious defense of the OP and added even more hateful criticism to thinner people. You know what?! ANY person who publicly tears apart others' physical appearances for NO provoked/warranted reason deserves a punch in the face and a dropkick to the ground!

  4. Beware! Yiou´re a BIG blogger! +/'

  5. Erica: Having goggle send my comments to the woodshed twice this am, I'll learn from the experience and not try again to be witty, and simply say: thanks for who you are and what you do. Jon

  6. Alexis -- human shaming, I like that. Yeah, two wrongs don't make a right, as they say.

    MrJ -- big mouth, maybe!

    Jon -- that was not very nice of Google!

  7. Erica,
    When I read posts like his, I am a little cynical. I kind of wonder whether he's just pandering to one set of people in order to make himself seem accepting and liked, a pure ego thing.
    His profanity-laden response tells me plenty, though, ignorance ringing loud right there. I'm always torn on stuff like this, too, because why do I care what he thinks/says? He's an arse and nothing I can say will alter that. Then again, I hate to let a complete tosser act that way without some response. As it was, you and others said what I was thinking, so good for you.

  8. Erica, since movies and television wish to use photogenic people in front of the camera's "Thin is In". That goes for ageing as well, since you decided to look younger yourself. As for me, I have always enjoyed, baring the bottoms, and pubic areas of older women, when I take down their panties, knickers, or bloomers. They have been a turn on for me. Erica, while you are recuperating from your surgery. Let me ask you a couple of questions. What have been your Three most happiest events in your life. Also the three saddest.

  9. JD -- yeah, I get a little annoyed with myself that I let jerks like this get to me. He's not worth my time. I think it was the comments and reactions to his writing that bothered me more than anything else. So much hate!

    Six -- I will have to give those questions some thought.

  10. Thanks for bringing this up.
    I am always annoyed by "skinny shaming" as I just don't get it. It is the height of hypocrisy to me - you (as in the person making the comments) are offended by someone judging you by your bigger size alone yet you are going to go ahead and judge someone by their thinner size? Where's the logic?

    I am/have been attracted to a lot of different body types, but in general I am attracted to girls who look fit and overall healthy (in either direction); but that is based on my "scale". As in my opinion of what is "healthy looking" which may not be the next persons.

    One of my bigger issues is with guys who are out of shape judging women on either end of the scale. Take a look in the mirror first gentlemen.

  11. Enzo -- yes. The writer admitted in the beginning of his post that he is "18 lbs. over his ideal body weight." (wondering how he arrived at that specific number -- not 20, not 15) Perhaps he should step off his soapbox and into a gym?

  12. LOL!!!!! To BOTH Enzo and Erica. ANOTHER reason to want to punch someone in the face is when douchey people remark RIGHT in front of people who they apparently find unappealing/unattractive,UGLY, ets something like "Where are or There are no hot chicks/guys here.!"

    Again...take a look in the mirror! :)

  13. Kelly -- yes, and who died and made him Adonis?

  14. Hi Erica -- I hate it when IDIOT'S judge others as well :-( They should look in the mirror because they are NOT perfect either. That stupid guy calls people a jackass when in reality he is the jackass because he wrote it LOL ,Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade/ Emily Jean