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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Ups and downs

Hard to believe the Shadow Lane party was just a week ago. It feels so much longer than that.

Around midweek last week, I started feeling small waves of post-party drop in between the bouts of writing, commenting, laughing and feeling lingering euphoria over all the fun memories. I shook the blues off Wednesday and then again Thursday. Little things were bothering me, but I chalked them up to the usual post-party letdown and refused to take them seriously.

Friday, I was happy that my party blog got "Chross'd." But then later, the drop returned, and the inevitable crash I'd been fending off hit late Friday night. J had fallen asleep on the couch and awoke to the sound of my sniffling beside him. Stupid.

It didn't help that yesterday we had to drive to see my mom and stepdad. Note to self: Do NOT plan anything depressing on the weekend following a wonderful spanking party. What usually feels unpleasant to me felt particularly unbearable yesterday. It takes about an hour-and-a-half to get to my folks' place from J's, but yesterday afternoon there was a surprising dearth of traffic and we got there in an hour-and-a-quarter. I told J, let's sit in the car and talk for a few minutes; I don't want to go in early. I know, I'm awful! (sigh)

Anyway, the visit was the usual. My mother's child-like joy to see me wrung my heart. Both she and my stepdad looked feeble and doddering and I was struck once again with the cruelty of life that goes on much longer in quantity than it does in quality. We went to dinner and then back to their place, which was stuffy and hot and the walls were closing in on me, so we dashed out of there at 9:00. The visit had only been 3 1/2 hours, but I couldn't help it. I'd run out of things to say and I couldn't look at either one of them any longer. My mother had asked for my address and phone number, so she could give them to her mother. Uhhhhh... Mom? Your mother passed away in 1981. "Really? She did? That long ago?" I can't stand it. I just can't.

When we got home, I felt profound fatigue and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball in bed and go to sleep for about 12 hours. Fortunately, J knew what I needed better than I did. We were watching 48 Hours; the alleged murderers of four young girls had been interrogated for hours and hours by the police until they cracked and confessed, and then later recanted the confession. After the show, J took me by the hand and escorted me into the bedroom, saying he had some questions to ask me. "Nooooooooo," I groaned, knowing what was coming. "I'm too tired."

Thank goodness, he didn't listen.

We had an "interrogation" scene with the hairbrush. He kept trying to get me to confess to something or another (made up, of course), but I was too stubborn to do so. After a while, I guess he realized this couldn't go on forever, so he said we'd have to continue the interrogation with "a deeper probe." (blushing) Sorry if this is TMI, but I guess I really, really needed some wild sexual release, to feel attractive and wanted and exciting. I screamed and hollered the walls down.

Today I felt better, but tonight, back home, I'm feeling sad again. Oh, screw it. It is what it is. I'm reading notes and comments from others who are also going through post-party withdrawal, so this is nothing freakish. And it will pass. Soon, my interview with Richard will be up on his site; that will make me smile.

My job is to not think too much. It's not good for me when I'm feeling fragile.


  1. Ya know... we've met once at FMS.. and even before I'd gotten there, I'd felt like I'd known you all my life. I see some of myself in you.. (and I'd really like to see your figure on me too.. but that ain't happening at 5'2" tall! LOL).. but I digress...(grins)

    I'm fighting some similar battles as you.. "Does that makes us warriors, comrades, partners in crime"?.. No. That just makes us human. People with hopes, dreams, wants, needs, desires.. and with that.. comes the up, and the inevitable downs. I'm just glad we can commiserate with each other and pull ourselves outta the rabbit hole we sometimes fall into. (smiles)

    Your blogs are real. They aren't fluff pieces on how everything is just a bed of roses.. I like you Erica Scott. :-)

  2. Thank you, dear Zelle. I like you too. :-)

  3. I'm fighting off the post-party-blahs this weekend. I think I was too tired for the first few days for it to really hit. It's such a kick though to read other people's blogs and see yourself mentioned. Then I'm liked...see? It really WAS me there! Hope your post-party blahs leave peacefully. It really was a lovely weeekend.

  4. Iggy -- you had yourself quite a good first SL party, m'dear. I'm so glad. :-)

  5. We all go through this in one way or another. Just keeping a conversation going with friends is help...

  6. OMG my Erica i am going through some of the same things as you are with your mom,my grandmother thinks her mom and dad are still alive as well it is heart wrenching i can't stand to see her like that i am just not used to this it's scary,i agree with Zelle i feel like i have known you my whole life heart goes out to you i know how you feel.I am very much looking forward to seeing your interview with Richard that will cheer me up.always here for you Love you big hugs from your naughty girl Jade xoxo :-)

  7. Craig -- Yes, it's very common. And friends are good.

    Jade -- I'm sorry you are going through this with your grandmother. I agree, it's scary. My interview with Richard will probably be up either tonight or tomorrow. It's running a little late but he assures me that it came out great! :-)

  8. First of all, Erica, thank you for again taking us Shut-In Homebodies along for another tremendous Shadow Lane adventure! Your reports, which I'm just now perusing, are always colorful (Har!) and delightfully entertaining! The girl can write!!

    By the way, after all this time, I didn't know you were something of a female Adrian Monk! I'll be dipped!

    Anyway, post-party (or vacation) blues are glum and grim indeed, especially coming from such a high that even "normal" feels lowww. It helps a little to have something to look forward to again, and I'm sure J already has a glowing (in several senses) birthday in mind for you!

    Furry hugs!

  9. When you start feeling "down", do what makes you feel happiness again. Plan to do it. I am glad you found something that made you happy.


  10. It's such a shame that our highs have to be balanced out by the blues.That old cliche, "what goes up must come down." Why can't we just have our highs and fade back to normal without the extreme dip.

    It was good of you to go see your mother and step-dad, but the timing could probably have been improved. I've stopped visiting my grandfather--it's just too much for me and causes me to endure waves of anxiety. The poor man just turned 99, and he's been ready to "check out" for the past 10 years. Still more or less lucid, though. Getting old and sick really sucks. I admire you for your sustained commitment despite everything that makes you want to run away. You're a better woman than me!

  11. i sent something on sat[?] to you & zelle that should be just what's needed for the blues.

    know the feeling when you visit older folks [ wait a min. i am one now] but it is a mitsvah.

    let me know if the frantic email "i found it didn't make it.



  12. Dave -- oy, another birthday. Ah well, you're right, I will relish the attention. :-)

    Paul -- that's part of the problem. I don't know when I'll get to do it again. But I guess time will tell.

    Dana -- thank you, but no, I'm no better than anyone, trust me. I hardly ever call and I visit even less. I don't have the fortitude.

    ddon -- I did get the email, and thanks. But I wish you attach a link, maybe, so I can go directly to it rather than search for it with a description?

  13. did i mention i am technophobic???? i try goggling attach a link and see if i can figure it out.

    always remember the time i was feeling down and a friend said "cheer up don, things ould be worse" so i cheered up and sure enough, they got worse.



  14. Erica,

    I've been feeling it too. :-( It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to return to normal activities after a weekend filled with so many highs. And it doesn't help that I came home to a mountain of essays and applications! I can only muddle through and wait (somewhat) patiently for the next party.

    I'm so glad that J gave you exactly what you needed; a little attention goes a long way. :-)Oh, and I cannot wait to see your interview!

  15. Sophie -- Essays? Blech! Talk about having to switch gears.

    And you're right -- that special attention is priceless. :-)

  16. I admire your responsibility to your mother. You ARE a great person to continue to visit her. It sure doesn't seem easy. And J seems like better medicine than any Doc's prescriptions.

  17. Kelly -- honestly, I do very little. Some people take in their aged parents, some people visit them all the time or call them every day (or at least frequently), and some pay for their treatments. I do none of the above. But I do what I can, and that's all I can do, as they say.