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Monday, July 14, 2014

Struggling

You know, I've always endeavored to be honest here, to be my whole self, not just my scene self. The good, the bad and the ugly. I don't expect my blog readers to fix me. I don't want anyone to fix me. I just need to vent here sometimes, because things get overwhelming. And honestly, because I'm such a loner, I don't know how to reach out any other way. I don't text, I don't call. Because I feel like I'd be bothering people. So I post, I put myself out there, and figure, well, people will read and respond if they choose to. I'm not entrapping them.

Just having a rough time lately. It started last week, when I sent that stupid, stupid selfie to Steve. That tacky bid for attention, that got exactly what it deserved: nothing. He didn't respond to it at all. Didn't even notice it until the next day, when I texted him to ask about it. That fell flatter than a lead pancake, as did my ego and my spirits. And I felt incredibly foolish. I've never sent a text like that to anyone, and I doubt I ever will again. 

I talked about it with a couple of friends, laughed about it, figured I'd get over it. But I'm not. I still feel foolish and embarrassed. Nothing like doing something you think is cute and sexy and spontaneous and fun, and getting zero reaction to it. 

Then last Wednesday, I ran out of work, and didn't get any more. It happens. It's summer. But the timing is really bad. When I am not doing well emotionally, the best thing I can do for myself is keep busy with work and feel productive. So as the days passed, my mood darkened.

The health struggle with John continues. He is still battling with his HMO, and time just keeps passing and passing. They are not helpful, but he is not helping himself either. At this point, he needs to take off some of the mass quantities of vacation he's accumulated and bombard the various doctors with visits and follow-ups. But because he won't take any time off, the only day that he can have a doctor's appointment is every other Friday, when he's off. Yeah, I know. Please don't tell me how counterproductive this is. I already know it. But I am powerless over what he does. I am powerless over what anyone does. Please don't suggest ultimatums or trying to take charge. John does not accept either one, not from anyone. It's just who he is, and I need to work with that. Because I love him.

The spanking community, just a couple of weeks ago, was a very kind place, pulling together to collect money for a friend in need who was ill. Now, there is a situation brewing that is combative, ugly, and will polarize people. No, I'm not going into detail about it; it doesn't matter for the purposes of this blog. It's very much in bloom on FetLife, but many of my readers aren't on there. Suffice it to say that I feel like we'll all be forced to take a side. I don't want to take a side. I care about the people on both sides. All I want to do is go bury myself in a hole until it all blows over. 

The damned depression is lying to me again, whispering its ugliness in my head. "You're out of sight, out of mind." "You're irrelevant." "You are lousy at your job and that's why you're not getting work." "That guy on Fet was right; you are too long in the tooth to still be involved in videos, or posting pictures of your body." "Go ahead, disappear, stop blogging, stop posting. No one will notice." Last week, there was some controversy on Fet about suicide, and how some people think those who kill themselves are selfish cowards. To these people, I said "lucky you." Because you've clearly never known depression. You've never had the relentlessly nattering voices inside, telling you how utterly worthless you are. You haven't struggled against them, fighting not to believe, not to succumb.

This too shall pass. I know this. But I just fucking hate going through it. I hate how I feel. However, fighting and kicking and screaming against it doesn't work. Surrendering to it does. If I stop fighting, the demon sitting on my chest gets bored and wanders away. All I have to do, all I can do, is breathe, and take a minute at a time.

There will be fun spanky stuff on here again. Just not right now.

36 comments:

  1. Everybody does something completely stupid where they put themselves out there because they misjudge a situation and it falls flat. That's life. If you think it would help you and Steve, you could email him telling him that you thought you were being cute but that you realize it didn't come across that way, which you're sorry for if it bothered him. Then at least he knows you didn't intend anything by it.

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  2. Jen -- he wasn't offended by it. He just... didn't notice it. It was kind of like a husband coming home, finding his wife at the door wearing nothing but a smile, and walking right by, asking "What's for dinner?"

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  3. That may be a guy thing. I once dressed up as the woman in G.'s delurk story, matching his normal convention outfit, and he didn't even remember the damn story. It wasn't on the level of the selfie that you sent, but it still made me feel stupid for trying to do something cool that he didn't even care about.

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  4. As one working writer and loner to another, and someone who depends on her work to defeat the darkness and the voices, I know you know the depression lies. It takes time to work through and sometimes there's no energy to face the upward climb even when you know there's light ahead. Sometimes the dark is banished faster than you expect - a mini-depression. I hope that's it this time - quickly passed through and back on track. I know those voices - "There's no more work because you don't deserve it because blah blah blah." No, it's just a cyclical business and the work comes and goes, feast or famine, and I know those times when it runs out and you're already stressed. Do you have any of those writer projects that have been waiting their turn and always pushed aside for the paying work or client work? Thinking good thoughts for you. I hope the light comes back fast. ~ Ariel

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  5. Ariel -- thank you very much. I need to keep remembering where I came from. I went to the gym today and did a full workout -- years ago, feeling like this, I never would have gotten out of bed. So I deal. It's just so damned tiresome, you know?

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    1. Oh, I do know, and congratulations for going to the gym! Good for the head, good for the body, good for you (and you knew that, too). Yes, very tiresome, the up and down and having to keep fighting for the up. Worth it when we get there, though.

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  6. I am feeling situational depression this week. As much as I LOVE summer. My birthday is in a few days and it seems that for the last 3-4 years I've been in a mad job searching futility hunt at precisely that time. I passed up a week at Hilton Head just to stay in the hunt. But I have the gym, and a healthy friend support system to guide me onward.
    You have that too even if not all of us are in close physical access.
    As far as that situation you're referring to, neutral is a powerful stance to take. Whatever it is- look at it this way-you didn't start it-no reason to be a PART of it!

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  7. Kelly -- I'm sorry you're down. The job thing is tough. But I hope you'll have a wonderful birthday!

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  8. All I can say is hang in there... This too shall pass, hopefully sooner rather than later!

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  9. Big hugs, Erica... sending you an email...xoxo

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  10. Hi Erica -- I hate it when, I do something and nobody notices,It's VERY annoying.I totally agree with you on that one.I hope your depression goes away soon :-( it SUCKS. You are good enough, for anything you set your mind to :-) Those IDIOTS, on FetLife have no right to judge you :-( They are not perfect.they are just jealous, because you are the BEST my friend. I am always here if you need me :-) I am sending you big hugs always, from naughty girl Jade

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  11. Hi Erica- I feel like I stop by here and comment some times on funny and silly things. I just wanted to say hi and I'm sorry life just sort of sucks right now.
    Hang in there! It will get better.

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  12. Sorry you are feeling low sweetie. I really do understand. ~juju

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  13. Erica, there was a song many years ago, that had lyrics that went something like this. "Accent the positive. Eliminate the negative, and try what's in between". All of us 'spanko's are with you 100%, when you are in one of your 'down' moods, and wish to rise above it. So as another song lyrics go. "Keep on Smiling, and the Whole world Smiles with you. Keep on laughing, and the sun will shine on thru". XXX luv ya.

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  14. Hang in there, Erica. You are relevant, you are special and all of us here do care about you. I know I would miss your insight, snark, humour and naughtiness.

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  15. You know Erika, posts like these are part of the reason that I keep coming back to your blog. Because it's not just the pretty front you show us. It's not only post after post of "I got spanked again". Your posts are well written, and more importantly, they give out part of yourself, and through your posts it feels like we as readers get to know you to an extend. And that makes you relevant and a more interesting blogger than many others out there. So you're not 20 anymore. So what. Honestly, I'd still keep visiting your blog if it didn't have any pictures of your naked body, because what makes this blog interesting, is the text.
    I won't try and give you any suggestions about how to deal with any of the situations that you talk about, but I will tell you this. You come across as a wonderful human being, and after reading your post here, I wish I could give you a hug.

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  16. (Comforting hug) I'll e-mail you soon.

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  17. Erica,
    You can take what that guy from fetlife said about you and tell him to shove it! You are not "too long in the tooth" to be doing any of this. If you were you wouldn't be attracting new readers such as myself. I just discovered your videos and your blog a few short months ago and haven't been able to stop reading. My husband finally asked me what was keeping me glued to my computer and we have now both become avid readers. What intrigues me so much about your blog is not only the spanko portion of it, but the fact that it's real as well. As much as I enjoy your pictures, videos, advice, etc., your blog is also full of the real life stuff we all have to deal with on a normal basis. You are an inspiration to the new followers even if we don't all voice it and I thank you for letting us be a part of your life. I hope today is a better day for you.
    Hugs from N.J.
    Kristen

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  18. hang in there Erica. I know how you feel and I feel the same way from time to time. Just know that you're awesome and that you have a wonderful life around you, because of you.

    Much love.

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  19. Erica: I’m a guy; typically, we respond by trying to “fix” things. I do. But, let me just listen first. Being overwhelmed sucks. Everything turns to rust, as you said. Reaching out … bothers people. Exposing your feelings … is tacky. Putting your foot in your mouth … feels like your stomach after eating a mess of way under cooked banana pancakes. Not having work … means no one values you as a productive member of society. And then the communities we rely on – our spouse or parents or best friends or group of fellow fans of something (church, spanking, profession, knitting) turns radioactive.
    And every day there is more of the same downers.
    I feel your shoes, even your high heels, because I’ve walked many miles in them. Still do sometimes. In about an hour I’m off to see my therapist. It is ok to feel low … for a while, anyway.
    [Note: right across from your words is the cartoon caption “what happens to naughty girls?” What you are not – for any of the above legitimate feeling – is naughty.]
    But what if you make a deliberate effort to try to look at each of these differently. A ‘loner’ who says she is one: (a) has a good awareness of her fears, and (b) isn’t, by the very act of so labelling herself. Someone who is overwhelmed … has taken the first step to identifying the problems that are overwhelming.
    Suppose the photo was – by some objective standard I’m not familiar with – “foolish and embarrassing.” How the hell do we learn things except by making mistakes? By getting every act and word perfect? I think not.
    So, here are my suggestions, the ones you didn’t ask for: What advice for physical action (a spanking, a walk, a movie, sunshine, etc) would you give a good friend if she wrote this? Whatever it is, take your advice yourself. RIGHT NOW.
    Two: write yourself a gratitude list: A list of the things that you are grateful for. Start with small things: A flower that bloomed today, the tomato that was perfect, the smell in the air after the rain. Move to bigger ones: The cat, the quiet after midnight, the money for the friend who was ill. The nice thing about a gratitude list is that you need never get to the biggest things, such as the person who loves you.
    Three: find someone who needs a compliment and give it: a blogger new to you; the coffee barista, the parking maid. One of the very best things about getting to my age as a guy (61) is that I can compliment women [or men] whenever I want (“I like that blouse” or “great hair” to the green dyed Mohawk) without them worrying I’m hitting on them. I can say nice things all the time and mean them and get in return the joy of brightening someone’s day. If you look for things to be grateful for … you will find them in abundance I suspect.
    Jon
    PS And yes, that guy on FetLife is/was/always will be a jerk. You are in the clich├ęd words ‘cute as a button.’ Kyrel is so right … it is your heart and text I enjoy. I will join that group hug but I’d like to give you one personally too, assuming that doesn’t sound like stalking. Hugs are warm. Jon

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  20. Wow. Thank you, everyone. I am overwhelmed.

    KB -- yes, it always passes, thank goodness.

    SC -- ♥ you.

    Jade -- thank you, dear.

    Casey -- please, do stop by anytime!

    Juju -- thank you. It's good to see you.

    Six -- I know the song well. I will try.

    Anonymous -- thank you, that's very kind. I too miss my fun sides when they go away.

    Kyrel -- that was lovely of you to say. It's exactly what I try to do here; be who I am, not just my spanko part. I'm glad it's appreciated and enjoyed; that means a lot.

    Jay -- thank you for the email. I promise I will get back to you as soon as I can pull my thoughts together.

    Kristen -- that made me smile. And yes, today is better. Thank you.

    sub hub -- I hope you don't feel this way often; I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thanks for your kindness and support.

    Jon -- thank you for taking the time to write that, and for being so thoughtful. And yes, hugs are the very best.

    I will post an update in the next day or so, when my head clears a bit. I did get some work, and I saw Steve. So I'm on my way back up. I just need to recover from the emotional deluge.

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  21. Depression is like a jealous lover. It wants you all by yourself so it can wear you down. Reaching out on your blog is a good first step in administering a needed beat down to an old enemy. The trip to the gym made it a 1-2 punch.

    It was not pathetic or needy to send a selfie to Steve it is simply what people in loving relationship do today. Yes, including you.

    When you see him face to face you'll find out that you've made far too much of this.

    Until then please try not to be so hard on yourself and remember you don't seem at all like someone who needs to be fixed.

    A. Nony Mouse

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  22. Mouse -- I did see him, and all ended up well. Being hard on myself is what I do, but I'll try to do it less. Thank you.

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  23. Erica,

    Sending cyber hugs. Hope today is a better one for you.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  24. Send a hug your way. You have a lot on your plate. I am bi-polar so I go through times like this. What works for me are coping skills like listen music you like. As far John is concerned he needs to retain a lawyer to get this HMO's After over 20 years working in healthcare I can tell you they are bastards.

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  25. Ronnie -- it will be. Thank you. :-)

    Robert -- believe me, we know. It may come down to that. They are capable of doing what he needs, but they simply don't want to. But they're met their match; John is hammering at them and making more than a couple of lives miserable. :-)

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  26. Hang in there and glad things look like they may be getter better based on your comments.

    Depression sucks. A warm soul shared this with me once and is something worth pondering "For the moment, what we attend to is reality. ~ WJ" Therefore focus on anything; anything but the darkness.

    Hugs.

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  27. Enzo -- very true. I will try that; thank you.

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  28. Yes. PLEAZ keep breathing ;-)) And let me assure you that Steve will come back to the issue, in his own particular way at a more convenient moment.

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  29. Erica so glad you posted last night. I spent the day worried about you! I too struggle with this and it hard to know what is going to set it off or how to pull out of it once you are there! Glad things are looking up!!!

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  30. MrJ -- we've talked it out. It was just unfortunate timing, and it triggered my darkness. We're OK.

    KB -- thank you for caring so much! I know from years of experience that I will come out of it, but I wish I had a magic wand or pill that made it happen faster...

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  31. I felt I should post a response to the blog entry. Just sending you positive thoughts.

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  32. Mace -- those are always welcome, thank you.

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  33. I feel the same way about the FL kerfuffle. I hate it when the community becomes so divisive and I don't want to choose a side either. I've also been battling those yucky feelings lately, it comes and goes, summer always seems to be worse for some reason. Of course, we know all the hurtful things we tell ourselves aren't really true, it's just not a logical thing. Glad you got to play and feel better now, but I'm just getting around to reading your posts and wanted to comment. ♥

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  34. Lily -- thank you. I hope your yucky feelings don't last. And I love the word "kerfuffle." :-)

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  35. Thank you, lol, I don't know why that word came to mind, but I love it too!

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