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Thursday, July 3, 2014

If EL James were Jewish...

Unless you've been in a cryogenic state for the past couple of years, you know that EL James is the writer (and I use that term loosely) of the crapfest known as "Fifty Shades of Grey." The hoopla about the books finally died down, but now it's rising once again, due to the upcoming film. We will never be rid of this scourge, folks. 

But it could have been worse. Imagine what kind of clich├ęd wannabe BDSM nonsense we would have gotten if James were Jewish.

Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele would be named Chaim Blackman and Anya Blumenthal. (Pronunciation of Chaim is with the same phlegm-clearing "ch" as in chutzpah and tuchas.) The name of the book? Of course: "Nu, Black and Blu?" 

Instead of the Red Room of Pain, we'd have the Blue Room of Guilt. Anya would be locked in there with her mother, who would then intone her various disappointments and complaints until Anya pounded on the door, begging to be beaten instead.

All the leather spanking/BDSM furniture would have plastic slipcovers.

Chapter 1 would be titled: "Oy! You Want Us To Do WHAT?" and continue from there.

Punishments would include spankings, nipple clamps, and being force-fed gefilte fish. (Trust me, it's disgusting.)

Snippets of sample dialogue:

1. "Anya, I thought I told you to shave." "I did! Feel my legs." "That's not where I meant." "Whaaaaaat??"

2. "Holy triple kreplach, that hurt."

3. "Chaim, honey, I know you're trying. But 'it's potch in tushie time!' is not turning me on in the least."

4. "What, you didn't like the tie I gave you for your birthday, so you have to use it like this?"

5. "Chaim, where's the Ex-Lax? I'm feeling a little stopped up." "Anya... you're wearing a butt plug."

6. "Where did you two meet?" "The 'So, You Want a Little Extra Something' section of J-Date."

7. "No, Anya. You may not claim cleaning house as a hard limit."

8. "Mmmmm, Chaim, your bodywash smells so sexy. What is it?" "Eau de Schmaltz." [schmaltz is chicken fat, kids]

9. "Here, Anya, for practicing you-know-what, use this knockwurst." "What? For that, better I should use the cocktail weenies."

10. "Not tonight, Chaim. My Inner Goddess has a headache."

So, who's going to see the movie? I feel like I almost have to, just for the sake of cultural literacy. But I don't want to put even one more nickel in that woman's pocket. Maybe I'll just watch this again, instead.


  1. Erica - I'm LMFAO ... great post! Now: "Erica, shvi al ha tuchas while you can!" :)

  2. LOL! VERY creative. :)
    I do plan to see the movie. But I think it'll tank fast because the actors are unknowns, kind of non descript looking. Although that may be precisely what draws viewers in.
    I did read the series and I HATED the terms "inner goddess" and "laters" baby.

    The books actually had some antagonistic characters who meant to do grave harm to the main characters interspersed with the sexcapades. I wonder if that is part of the movie or if they'll fixate on "S"EX AND E"M" ? :)

  3. Mitch -- glad someone appreciated the humor! I'm Jewish myself, so I figured I was allowed. :-D

    Kelly -- I did not read the books; I merely thumbed through the first one at the bookstore, enough to see that I didn't want to read any further. Plus, I've seen so many reviews and synopses of the damn thing, I feel like I read it anyway.

    Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey) is sexy. But I don't think that will be enough.

  4. Number 3 made me LOL! This has to be a book, it would be so funny if it could be done the right way. Humor and spanking is a great combination!

  5. Jen -- someone actually wrote a spoof called "Fifty Shades of Oy Vey," which I haven't read, and I discovered after I wrote this! Figures someone else thought of it.

  6. LOL! We really need that movie!

  7. Ahem. Some of us (raises hand) actually like gefilte fish. Now that that's out of the way, I'm Jewish and that was roll on the floor laughing my ass off funny. Fortunately, I put my unsweetened iced tea down before I read it. (Let's just say that you've gotten me to spray whatever beverage I'm drinking all over my computer one too many times. LOL).

    I haven't read the books. I won't be seeing the movie. I toyed with the idea of renting a porn parody of it (blush). I figured that there would at least be some real spanking in it. I came THIS close to seeing a live stage parody (I figured that that at least would be funny) but I talked myself out of it. In short, I want no part of it. In any way shape or form.

    Thanks for the good laugh.


  8. MrJ -- my version, you mean? :-)

    Mike -- ha! I knew someone would speak up for gefilte fish. Yeah, there are a lot of parodies of this out there. I was inspired to "holy triple kreplach" by Anastasia's frequent use of the phrases "Holy crap," "Double crap" and "Triple crap." Oh, and she mentions the smell of Christian's bodywash about 100 times.

  9. But you've never tasted my gefilte fish!

  10. Potomacker -- in fairness, I have heard that homemade is better. But that bottled crap by Rokeach or Manischewitz? Vile.

  11. Hi Erica -- LOL :-) You are truly BRILLIANT, Thanks for the laugh I needed that :-) gefilte fish sounds so disgusting YUCK, I heard of it and knew it was Jewish.Tuna is so much better than that CRAP, Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  12. Jade -- glad you enjoyed it. :-)

  13. That was hilarious! It reminded me so much of the parody we saw - "Spank!" The silliness of the original writing cries out for irreverent treatment.


  14. Hermione -- right? I would love to have seen that.

  15. That was brilliant! Having had the misfortune of reading the first book in the 50 Shades trilogy, I applaude your improvements.

    It actually was the book that eventually led me to explore BDSM and domestic discipline, because while I had read very minimal literature on the subject, I knew enough to realize her portrayal couldn't possibly be accurate. I can't imagine the film adaptation would do much more than aggravate me, though I'm sure I'll hear plenty of reviews from the spanking community.

  16. Brat -- well, at least some good came of the book. Kudos for being smart enough to recognize that her drivel wasn't an accurate portrayal!