The "P" word

You know the one. P-u-.... No, not that one, for heaven's sake.

The other one. Punish. And all its forms (punishment, punished, etc.). 

Damned if I understand why, but that word gives me goosebumps. We all have our buzz words, and of course for most of us, "spank" is one of them. For a lot of others (myself included), "bottom" is another. Punish is definitely high on my personal buzz list.

Replace "whip" with "belt" and I'm so there:

And while I can't stand action films, I admit my heart skipped a beat when I heard about the movie "The Punisher." Especially after finding out the hero was played by the devastatingly hunky Thomas Jane.

Oh yes, Thomas. Punish me. Please.

What is it about that word? I don't know; just one of those weird wiring things. But because I'm so drawn to it, I tend to remember all kinds of random instances where I heard it. And recalling them gives me the same shivers as they did then.

Some of my readers from way back when may remember my adventures with my aerobics instructor (who later became my personal trainer). Years ago, I was in one of his classes; he had done something or another that was rigorous with a lot of twisting, and my lower back didn't like it. So when we were lying flat and stretching, I surreptitiously reached down and kneaded the sore spot a bit with my fingers. How he saw that in a class packed with about 30 bodies, I don't know, but he called out, "Erica, did those twists tweak your back?" I grimaced and nodded, and then he said:

"Awww, I'm sorry, honey! I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to punish you a little!" 

And this was before he knew anything about my proclivities. I wonder if he saw me blush from hairline to toenail.

Cut to a scene I was in once, with a relatively new play partner. I was still in that insecure stage where I didn't want to say no to too many things, so I pretended to like a particular implement, when in truth I was scared of it. When he pulled it out in the middle of the scene, I involuntarily flinched and went rigid. He saw that, and questioned me about it. I then confessed how I really felt about it.

I heard a *plunk*. "You hear that?" he asked. "It's back in my bag, and you will never see it again." I sighed with relief. "But," he continued, "now I'm going to have to punish you for not being honest with me."

Oh, just scrape me off the walls and the floor...

You know how sometimes it's squirmy and embarrassing to speak our buzz words aloud? I've finally reached the point where it doesn't make me turn fifteen shades of purple to say the word "spank." But the P word still makes me choke a bit. Which is why what happened a couple of weeks ago startled me.

It was after I'd had my little meltdown over the predatory woman on FetLife so clearly competing with me over Steve. He and I had talked it out and I was OK again, but now feeling a bit sheepish over how off the wall I'd gone, and he knew it. So we addressed that during part of our scene. And I heard these words come out of my smart-ass mouth:

"I deserve to be punished for doubting you."

I cannot believe I said that. If someone had told me I would voluntarily utter that phrase, I would have laughed in their face. Someone would have to coerce (read: beat) those words out of me. But I spoke them of my own volition. 

I guess that's true submission, when someone as contrary and controlling as I am can reach that point. And he knew. "You won't do that again, will you," he said. "No, no, I promise." The connection at that moment was pure and whole and so, so tight.

Amazing what the right words can do, with the right people, the right chemistry. When it all comes together.

Any other "P" word lovers out there? Do share.

Now that I've gotten myself all hot and bothered, I need to go... pay some bills. (sigh) Oh, and find a new dentist. Reality sucks sometimes!