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Friday, August 2, 2013

Bit of a rant: Predators

No, I'm not talking about child molesters. I'm not talking about people in the scene who troll for vulnerable newbies and try to exploit them.

I'm talking about women in the scene who want what another woman has, and endeavor to take it away. Not share it, but usurp it completely.

I know a lot of my readers won't necessarily relate to this post, because they play with their spouses/mates only and don't have the added complication of other partners. But for those who do, I'm sure something in this will resonate.

I've lost count of how many play partners I've lost over the years, because women came into their lives who didn't want them to have any sort of involvement with me. And every time this happened, it didn't exactly work wonders for my already fragile self-esteem -- I felt completely dispensable. I've had the same experience with John and femdoms. I know he enjoys bottoming, and I certainly can't do that for him, so I'm happy to share him with a woman who can. But it's never enough -- they don't want to share him. They want to take him away from me. One of them nearly succeeded. Nearly. Fortunately, we worked past that, and she's history. I never met her, but if I did, I'd bitch-slap her all the way to the moon. She actually had the nerve to say to John, "I'm so pissed off that you chose Erica over me."

You know what? I'm fucking sick of it. 

What set this off? A woman on FetLife, who met Steve at a play party and then proceeded to launch herself at him, was all over him like white on rice on Fet, so obviously trying to lay claim to him. She certainly didn't make any attempt to befriend me, even though she knew Steve and I are play partners. I don't want to delve into the details, but let's just say it was ridiculously obvious what she wanted.

And last week, I went off the deep end, emotionally. I felt threatened. Not because he played with her; I don't care about that. I don't own him, and he is far too good a top to keep all to myself. It was because I thought I'd lose him to her. She's into way more than I am, kink-wise, and I thought he'd find her more interesting, more stimulating, more everything. And she was so clearly playing that up. The show on FetLife was, I really do believe, for my benefit. And it worked.

But I underestimated Steve. I forgot about his loyalty to our partnership, to me. I forgot that he has told me, time and again, that any woman who enters his life will have to accept my presence in it as well.

(Only one other play partner has said that to me, in all these years, and that was Danny, bless his heart. And I didn't lose him to another woman; I lost him because he had to move away. It wasn't personal.)

We talked it out last Monday; I hadn't acted out on any of my feelings, thank goodness, but had kept them all inside until they swelled like a malignant tumor. I know I was ridiculous, but dammit, this had happened to me too many times. He reassured me, sweetly and firmly. That was when I wept copious tears and welcomed the pain. It delivered me from that miserable insecure place.

Anyway -- some of you ladies out there, and you know who you are -- learn how to share, OK? Learn how to play nice. If this woman had played nice with me, we could be buddies now, giggling about Steve and how he says "there you go" every five seconds. ;-) But no. She had to go the predatory route and enter a competition with me. Well, she chose the wrong man this time. He may play with her, but she can't touch what he has with me. Today, she posted yet another picture of their play, mentioning his name not once, but twice in the caption. ("Look, look, look who I'm playing with!") I just laughed. Knock yourself out, sweet cheeks.

Be forewarned. I'm not going to be a passive, weepy rejectee anymore. You screw with me and this kitty is going to scratch. Me-OWWWWWW.

Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. Sounds good, but by not naming her you didn't scratch. Are you just communicating with "insiders", or do you want to help others avoid "predators"?

  2. Anonymous -- I don't name names. I wouldn't have the clean reputation in this scene that I do if I were that petty. I was posting a rant to get stuff off my chest, and perhaps discover others who can relate. The person in question isn't really a threat to anyone. And even if she were, what could I do to avoid her, really?

  3. What a beautifully insightful post. Erica.
    Just one correction: you did not merely underestimate Steve. You also, and may be even more, underestimated yourself,:-))

  4. MrJ -- oh, that was sweet. Thank you. :-)

  5. Hi Erica -- I am so sorry you had to experience this :-( I don't like it when someone competes with you, It is just so wrong.You are my best friend,When some IDIOT messes with you I get upset and angry too.I feel like bitch slapping her too.I think she is jealous of you cause she will NEVER have the same kind of relationship,that you and Steve have :-) LOL that makes me happy.Wishing you and John a nice weekend.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  6. Jade -- you're absolutely right. She is, and she won't. :-)


  7. Long time lurker here- been reading for a while. I know that you and Steve have been playing together for a timely period. I understand the committed relationship you share, and the past history that you have experienced with other partners.

    I am a married woman with a single spanking partner, which sounds similar to your situation; I know you're not married, but John seems equitable. :) Here's my question; at what point do you want hear that Steve is entering into a 'serious relationship' with someone else? I mean, this post is addressing casual play dates with another woman- but not anything more in depth. Would you want her to contact you? Would you want Steve to introduce her to you? How would that ideally develop?

    R- my single male spanker- is not playing or dating with others, but the topic may come up at some point. I am just trying to open up to avoid relationship pitfalls. I want to be open to his outside pursuits of others, but not get lost in the whirlwind.


  8. I wonder how many of these types are very insecure themselves? Sounds like she is very insecure or she wouldn't be acting like that. Just her posting a picture and how she brags about it says a lot. It is a brand of name dropping. Nothing wrong with it per se, but when it goes overboard like her post, it oozes of attempting to say she is better than the rest of the crowd. That gets old very fast.

    You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. We don't have to be a tower of strength to have good strength of character.

  9. SD -- welcome! Very valid questions. Let me think...

    Ideally? Yes, I would want to hear about any serious relationship, as I would hope he'd be comfortable enough to be open about it with me. No, I wouldn't expect her to contact me, or be my friend, although that would certainly be nice. What I *would* want is for her to respect my presence, not be threatened by it, and not force him to choose. And I would want him to reassure me, as he enters this, that I still matter in his life and he wants to keep me in it -- that a primary relationship with another woman won't shove me out the door. Just as my relationship with John doesn't shove HIM out the door.

    Bobbie Jo -- (shrugs) Probably. I could have a lot more compassion and understand for it, if it weren't in my face, you know?

  10. Erica, all my life I have been a casual player into the spanking scene. And enjoy that way. But I find in your essay's that you are way to 'deep' into these scenes, for your own good. And I mean HEALTH wise. Truly ask YOURSELF is this what life is all about. Having 'dog fights, and cat fights, with other women about the MEN that spank you. There are people in this world, who can't, find a job, can't pay the rent, can't feed their kids. Handicapted, etc. These people have real problems to deal with, in life. So stand back sometimes, and ask yourself is my anger justified. XXX I Luv ya.

  11. Six -- I appreciate what you're saying. But it's not simply about the spanking. In the case of John, it's about the man I've been in love with for nearly 17 years, and women who would think nothing of breaking us up for their own kicks. In Steve's case, it's about a trusted partnership that is not easily found. No, these aren't hardships like being unemployed, homeless, etc. I know that. But they can cause heartache nonetheless. And when people attempt to hurt me, I take it to heart. I can't help it.

    I rant because it's actually *good* for my health. I get all this crap out of me, make a few people think or laugh while I'm at it, and then I move on.

  12. I've had similar thoughts recently, about the scene, about people feeling insecure, people feeling jealous or wanting to take what another has. I think it is unfortunate more people aren't comfortable simply enjoying what they have with a kink partner. I believe more of us would be happy if we weren't as caught up, culturally speaking, on having exclusive partners.

  13. I hate sharing!

    Erica, I always like to at least "borrow" your guys when I have the opportunity because usually I know they'll be good players. But I would never be that pushy with someone who's a regular play partner of someone else. That is an emotional, not just a physical, connection.

    I do get jealous. Frequently. I know it's not right, but there it is. I compare myself with others, often negatively, but sometimes I go the other way ("I'm way more fun than HER!"). But if someone tells me I'm special, I try to believe that.

  14. Great post! What is really pathetic is that people like that actually think they are winning over the guy when it's just the opposite. The guy just want to get away from them without pushing their "fatal attraction" button!

  15. Anonymous -- our culture reveres monogamy and exclusivity, unfortunately. It's hard not to buy into that when you're indoctrinated with it.

    Sandy -- you know, I think it's totally human and normal to have those jealous, insecure feelings. It's what you DO with them that makes a difference. Some people act out on them; others acknowledge them, discuss them with their partners, and (one would hope) try to work things out. And yes, feeling special is a huge part of it. If I don't feel like I'm going to lose someone, I can be a lot more willing to share.

    Anonymous -- (sigh) Problem is, sometimes they show their "bunny boiler" tendencies LATER... when it's too late! And in the meantime, they can be pretty damned provocative and tempting.

  16. Thank you again for sharing a piece of you, please do not underestimate yourself, but love your venting, and so true!

  17. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. Good for Steve for setting things straight and once again showing you how important you are to him. It can be hard in this poly/kink world with so much overlap in who has who. I know I can be jealous and insecure at times and feel stupid even feeling that way because I'm the other woman to begin with. I try to focus on what I do have with those special in my life and not worry about what they're doing when they aren't with me. Sometimes I'm more successful than others.

  18. Lea -- I think it's normal to feel insecure. I know I do, frequently. It's how we act on it that can cause damage, not the feelings themselves.