Welcome to the second half

Of the year, that is. We're now in the back half of 2012. And I want to make it a better second half than the first has been.

The year 2011 was unusually exciting and stimulating, with a lot of adventures. I began the year with my trip back East to spend time with Sarah Gregory and "Tubaman" Paul, and shoot with them. Then I got involved with Spanking Court, shot several times with them and made some wonderful new friends. I made great money. And the most wild ride of all? Finishing, finalizing and publishing my book. Things with John were wonderful -- his health was at its peak and he was in the best condition I've ever known him to be in.

This year? Uh. Scenewise: The book is old news. I've shot a couple of very fun but quick clips with Lily and Robert, and nothing after that. The high point was going to BBW in Atlantic City; I must acknowledge that. But I miss shooting videos. For many of my friends, video shoots feed them, literally. It is their livelihood, or a large part of it. For me, shooting feeds my soul. I have always gotten so much joy from being involved in the process of spanking videos, from the inception to the filming to the release. After doing so much of it last year, this year feels rather empty, in that regard.

And personally? My mother passed away. I've barely worked, and the bills keep coming, including a huge one for my car recently. And John... I've been worried about him all year, so far. First he took that bad fall and trashed his knee, which took months to recover and he hasn't been quite the same since it happened; never regained his energy. He's tired all the time. He's neglecting the care of his house; the yard and the trees are completely overgrown and he has a raccoon infestation. And now he's contracted a raging infection in his tooth that will not quit. He had a root canal and he's been on antibiotics for nearly a week, but one side of his face is still swollen and he's miserably uncomfortable. And whenever he gets an infection, I don't stop worrying until it's gone. Because I remember all too well what happened the last time he got an infection -- it went into his blood, straight to his weak heart and nearly killed him.

Today, sitting across from John at brunch and watching his haggard face and seeing him struggle to eat, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with STUFF and I burst into tears. Poor John. He always has such a damned basket case to deal with, even when he needs someone to be strong for him. I told him I was sorry. He said it was OK; he knows it's because I care and I worry, and I can't help it.

He goes back to the dentist on Tuesday. And he promised me that if he doesn't feel better in the next day or so, he'll go to the doctor and get blood work. So this will pass. Now, I want to focus on the remainder of the year.

1. I am going to redouble my efforts to find work. After I failed that test, the one I so wanted to pass, I dropped the ball. Last week, I picked it up again. Another company has sent me yet another test, with their own warning about how only 2% of their applicants pass. I will consider that a challenge rather than a deterrent. I need to keep trying.

2. Somehow, I want to have more fun. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I will keep my eyes and mind open, and focus on what could be stimulating and productive. Oh, there is Shadow Lane to look forward to, in just two short months. And maybe, just maybe, a chance to film again in the fall, but I refuse to get my hopes up about that just yet. So I have to find another avenues.

I freaking hate that trite expression about "reinventing oneself." I am not going to change all that much, not at this age. I just want to be a little different, just enough to stay interesting, relevant, non-stagnant. Find something else, besides the old standby of shooting, that brings me as much joy. Break out of my horrible-izing head and feel some lightness of spirit instead of so damn much heaviness and worry.

So here's to a better second half of the year, starting tomorrow. I have work to do (yay!) and I get to play with the bestest partner. Doesn't get much better than that, does it?