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Sunday, July 1, 2012

Welcome to the second half

Of the year, that is. We're now in the back half of 2012. And I want to make it a better second half than the first has been.

The year 2011 was unusually exciting and stimulating, with a lot of adventures. I began the year with my trip back East to spend time with Sarah Gregory and "Tubaman" Paul, and shoot with them. Then I got involved with Spanking Court, shot several times with them and made some wonderful new friends. I made great money. And the most wild ride of all? Finishing, finalizing and publishing my book. Things with John were wonderful -- his health was at its peak and he was in the best condition I've ever known him to be in.

This year? Uh. Scenewise: The book is old news. I've shot a couple of very fun but quick clips with Lily and Robert, and nothing after that. The high point was going to BBW in Atlantic City; I must acknowledge that. But I miss shooting videos. For many of my friends, video shoots feed them, literally. It is their livelihood, or a large part of it. For me, shooting feeds my soul. I have always gotten so much joy from being involved in the process of spanking videos, from the inception to the filming to the release. After doing so much of it last year, this year feels rather empty, in that regard.

And personally? My mother passed away. I've barely worked, and the bills keep coming, including a huge one for my car recently. And John... I've been worried about him all year, so far. First he took that bad fall and trashed his knee, which took months to recover and he hasn't been quite the same since it happened; never regained his energy. He's tired all the time. He's neglecting the care of his house; the yard and the trees are completely overgrown and he has a raccoon infestation. And now he's contracted a raging infection in his tooth that will not quit. He had a root canal and he's been on antibiotics for nearly a week, but one side of his face is still swollen and he's miserably uncomfortable. And whenever he gets an infection, I don't stop worrying until it's gone. Because I remember all too well what happened the last time he got an infection -- it went into his blood, straight to his weak heart and nearly killed him.

Today, sitting across from John at brunch and watching his haggard face and seeing him struggle to eat, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with STUFF and I burst into tears. Poor John. He always has such a damned basket case to deal with, even when he needs someone to be strong for him. I told him I was sorry. He said it was OK; he knows it's because I care and I worry, and I can't help it.

He goes back to the dentist on Tuesday. And he promised me that if he doesn't feel better in the next day or so, he'll go to the doctor and get blood work. So this will pass. Now, I want to focus on the remainder of the year.

1. I am going to redouble my efforts to find work. After I failed that test, the one I so wanted to pass, I dropped the ball. Last week, I picked it up again. Another company has sent me yet another test, with their own warning about how only 2% of their applicants pass. I will consider that a challenge rather than a deterrent. I need to keep trying.

2. Somehow, I want to have more fun. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I will keep my eyes and mind open, and focus on what could be stimulating and productive. Oh, there is Shadow Lane to look forward to, in just two short months. And maybe, just maybe, a chance to film again in the fall, but I refuse to get my hopes up about that just yet. So I have to find another avenues.

I freaking hate that trite expression about "reinventing oneself." I am not going to change all that much, not at this age. I just want to be a little different, just enough to stay interesting, relevant, non-stagnant. Find something else, besides the old standby of shooting, that brings me as much joy. Break out of my horrible-izing head and feel some lightness of spirit instead of so damn much heaviness and worry.

So here's to a better second half of the year, starting tomorrow. I have work to do (yay!) and I get to play with the bestest partner. Doesn't get much better than that, does it?


  1. Wishing u tons of luck! U got this! Just don't ever give up! U r strong & u have tons of 'friends' (that u don't even know) that support u!

    I hope John gets to feeling better. Definitely, don't let him procrastinate on seeing a Dr. Obviously, i don't know his medical history, but if he has a heart condition, he doesn't need to prolong seeking medical attention, especially if he's been fighting an infection! It is very important, that is why patients with Mitral Valve Prolapse are given antibiotics whenever they have dental work. (I'm sorry, not trying to be bossy. Being an Operating Room RN, I see so much & I just want u to know that u r right to want him to get proper medical attention before things escalate.)

    Jayden :-)

  2. Hear, hear! I'm putting out enough positive energy out there for the both of us. To health, wealth, and happy spankings...cheers!


  3. I hear ya. This has been one of the worst years of my life, including the death of my youngest brother in February (not supposed to happen, not to the baby). But I'm with ya. I will not settle for the second half being like the first.

    Great post. I needed reminding.

  4. Erica,

    I hope it is a better second half of the year for you. And, I really hope that John recovers quickly from his infection and leg injury.


  5. Work to look forward to, and play with a great partner. What better way to start the second half of the year.


  6. Erica, here is an 'Off Beat Solution'. Hire yourself out as speech writer for OBAMA. All of that WASHINGTON D.C; crowd, needs to be 'whipped' into shape. If you know what I mean?. Especially Sarah Palin, and Michele Bachmann.

  7. Jayden -- Mitral valve prolapse is exactly what John has. And believe me, he learned the hard way about refusing to seek medical attention. Be as bossy as you want; sounds like you know what you're talking about.

    SC -- (clinking your coffee cup with mine) OK, that really should be champagne, but it's 10 A.M.

    Emen -- I'm so sorry. You're right, that's not supposed to happen. :-(

    Joey -- me too, thanks.

    Hermione -- yes, and a workout too, if I could just get my a#$ in gear.

    Six -- I'm going to do my best to stay OUT of politics. Things are going to get incredibly ugly from now through November, and that will upset me if I allow it to.

  8. Hi Erica -- Your post is AWESOME :-)I wish the very best for you,John and me.I hope John get's better soon :-( It make's me sad that he suffer's so much.If we are postive like i know we are we can get through just about anything :-)What a great way to start the second half of the year,to play with ST YAY GOOD FOR YOU.Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  9. Have a great second half!!! Both health and career wise for both you and John.
    I always look forward to your Monday night adventures and the great topics you open for discussion. I learn a great deal.

    Thank you


  10. Speaking as someone else who had a really crappy first six months of a year I will join you in the mid year new year.
    We can have new starts whenever we choose. I hope John gets better and you find work you enjoy.
    For myself, I am spring cleaning, working out more and making plans for the future- because that is what one does in the new year.
    Now, would you like some champagne ?

  11. Jade -- it is very hard to watch someone you love suffering. So I hope he gets better soon too.

    Jon -- thank you! That's very nice to hear. :-)

    Poppy -- why yes, I would! (holding out glass)

  12. I sure as hell hope the second half of the year is better than the first. Ugh. 2012 has not been my favorite. Here's an inspirational quote for you. "Expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed." Lol. I'm not expecting much but here's hoping 2012 looks up for all of us!

  13. Lea -- you've had a rough time of it yourself, haven't you. (sigh) What IS it with this year? The Mayans were wrong; this year the world isn't ending, it's just sucking. Yes. It needs to get better.

  14. I hope John gets some relief from his tooth pain-that sounds like HELL.

    Good luck with the job search in all realms. I just got back from vacation and need to generate some tolerable job leads myself.

  15. Kelly -- at least you don't have to deal with the Job From Hell anymore, huh?