Damn, the walls are hard. I should know. I've been bouncing off of them non-stop.
Yeah, I know; I almost never blog on Tuesdays. Creature of habit, that's me. Lover of ritual. Perpetuator of predictability. Well, screw it. I'm writing anyway, because I feel like it.
Monday nights have been the same for nearly two years. Not just the visit from ST, but the hours after he leaves. I change into PJs, take off my makeup and wash my face. I make myself something to eat, as I am ravenously hungry. I go through the photos he took, resize and crop them. I blog about our scene. I read the paper and do the crossword puzzle. Then I watch Jay Leno's Monday night "Headlines," eat some chocolate, and pour myself into bed.
Last night, I felt a strange restlessness later in the evening. I waited for sleepiness to overcome it, but it did not. No Leno, since the damned you-know-whats are pre-empting all of NBC's programming. I watched some old repeats of "Friends" and ate my chocolate. Around 1:00, I went to bed.
But I was missing something. That lingering, stinging, delicious pain. That stoned, boneless exhaustion born of intense endorphin surge and stress release. This morning when I awoke and rolled over, I didn't groan at the sweet, stiff ache in my bottom. Because it wasn't there.
Dammit. I have been spoiled. And I am experiencing withdrawal. My limbs twitch in my computer chair, unable to relax. Is there such a thing as spanking DTs?? In "The Lost Weekend," Ray Milland hallucinated and saw big black menacing birds flying around inside his room. I see flying paddles.
I know. I could have been spanked last night. But I just wasn't ready to play with someone new yet. It's easy to look back now and say I should have played with him. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. It wouldn't have been right, and I know it. Still, the craving is there. The void is there.
I need to let the void be there for a bit, feel it, acknowledge it. I know myself. When I rush to fill voids, to fill that emptiness, I don't feel better. I know I'm compromising myself and others. That's why I didn't play last night. I would have been grabbing at Mr. Possible to fill the void ST left, and that wouldn't have been fair to him, to ST or to myself.
So today, I face the void. I face the restlessness. I can't do this myself, but I comprehend what makes people self-spank. They crave that special pain, that impact. But that's not enough for me. I need the contact of a spanker, of strong hands and arms. I need to hear his voice. Trying to recreate the sensation myself while imagining someone else is providing it just leaves me feeling frustrated and foolish.
Next week, after plenty of time to think, feel and process, I do believe I will be ready. I hope Mr. Possible has a really, really, really strong hand and arm. He will need it. Because I need it.
Do I have any fellow spanking addicts? Can I hear from you? What happens when you go without? How do you feel? What goes through your mind, your body?
I get an ache inside. Cravings. Restlessness. A bit irritable. I want to do something and yet nothing at all but sit at the computer.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't only the lack of spanking that does it, either. It is how I feel physically; mentally; my head space doesn't work very well. Then there is the depression. I always have to fight that. I want to get away from everything. I'm tired.
But things need to be done like laundry and dusting. The kitchen needs attention. I don't want to do any of it. I do some anyway.
Maybe I will watch a movie. I just did and I rarely do. It was a cute one: Batteries Not Included. Kind of left me wishing I had someone to help me right now. Oh well. I guess this funk will pass, too.
I have another six weeks to wait.
I don't have a simple explanation for what happens to me. The longer I go without (as in years at one stretch) I find the desire has diminished during those time spans. It's like my mind and body secretly say to those who I perceive as rejecting me,oh NO?! You don't want to spank me?! Well "EFF YOU!!"
ReplyDeleteYES. I could and have self spanked from time to time. But like you, I need the other person's chemistry to enhance it for me. And also like you, I need to feel connected to my spankers for ultimate fulfillment. Otherwise, it ain't happening! LOL!
I have to admit I get resentful when others appear to have an easy go of it getting their spanking fulfillments. It's not fair to do that. But when I DON'T get what I want and need, I get really bitchy. I'm sure this sounds contradictory to what I said about my mind/body's reaction to no spanking ops. I react in a similar manner to undesirable spanking ops. I've had occasional offers from people who gross me out for various reasons. Again,I'll do without> :)
Bobbie Jo -- I know those feelings well. We need to be strong and independent women, with a sense of ourselves that stays with us, with or without our tops. Sometimes, that's a challenge.
ReplyDeleteKelly -- you know what? I get resentful when I hear about people going to every damn party in existence. We all have "the grass is greener" things... guess that's what makes us human.
And YES, I will always go without over playing with someone who does not appeal to me. That is a betrayal of myself and it's utterly wretched.
I have some envy of those who play for fun, so there you go. We all have a bit of that, even if we try not to. I know some people who envy having a disciplinary relationship because theirs is fun only.
ReplyDeleteI think it is very good to stop and let yourself experience what's going on rather than to rush to fill it.
Yeah, it doesn't help to attempt to run from what I feel. It doesn't work anyway. One of my former therapists (retired and one of my dear friends now)used to say to lean into the pain. I am still learning that one. I have, on occasion, taken off just to get away from things for a while. Sometimes that helps. I think one of the worst things is to just sit and pine.
ReplyDeleteAna -- why do we all have to be so damned contrary? Human beings always want the things they don't have, all the way down to curly vs. straight hair. It's rather annoying, when you think about it. I know I annoy myself!
ReplyDeleteBobbie Jo -- yeah. My therapist says "the only way out is through." True, but sucks.
Hi Erica -- I get restless and moody too and have craving's, and like you i need to have connection with the spanker,I need to hear the spanker's voice and to feel the spanking from the spanker,I think self spanking is silly cause i need a spanker to spank me that's the only way it is going to work hehehe LOL.I don't let just anyone spank me i am picky,I have to trust the person.Nobody creepy is touching me UGH hehehe LOL :-)Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade
ReplyDeleteJade -- well, it's not silly because it does work for some people. Just not for us. :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I like the word "addict" but I've definitely felt spanking withdrawal from time to time. Post party drop always hits me really hard. Not just because of all the play I have in such a short period of time, but having to part with such good friends who I don't get to see often. I hate it. Everyone is used to my blubbering goodbyes by now. Once a friend said "you know if you don't cry when saying goodbye to ME, I'll be offended!" Lol.
ReplyDeleteI'm not into self spanking and agree with what you say about the lack of connection. The connection with the top, that interaction, is a huge part of why I do any of this. I'm a wuss when it comes to pain. If it was just a robotic feel of spanking for spanking's sake, I'd be done with it. Missing that interaction just sucks.
I'm sorry that you're feeling such a void. It's hard to change a constant in your life just in the day to day of what you do, much less a person. Even if you had played last night, it wouldn't have been ST. You probably wouldn't have felt the same way during or after. It's going to be an apples to oranges sort of thing. But I do hope that whenever you and Mr. Possible get together again that you both enjoy it.
Lea -- perhaps addict is a negative word. But sometimes, I feel like I have a sort of addiction to spanking, even if it's just emotional rather than physiological (although there may be some of that, too!). And I suppose the craving for attention is mixed up in there too.
ReplyDeleteI think post-party drop is a different phenomenon. It's the grown-up, kinky version of the day after Christmas, or the day after your birthday. All that buildup, excitement and fanfare, and then POOF. It's over.
I used to self-spank years ago and then I just stopped. Now, I have been doing a bit of that and if I could just find my Maori war club...!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure it is an addiction, either. It is a fetish. I think that is something a bit different. Since we know of adrenaline junkies, I suppose there are also endorphin junkies so that may come into play with it. Especially if it eases pain.
I've been living in the void for my whole life! Married to a spanko now (you know where I met him, Erica), but - surprise! He's one of these sensitive types who has had an attack of conscience and doesn't want to hurt the one he loves! I have YET to get a spanking anywhere near the kind I have hoped for, and I'm now 52! (Imagine expletive-filled rant inserted here.) We're working on it, but it's a slow process. Apparently, he thinks we're going to live to be 150 so we have plenty of time. Have resorted to the self thing when I get really desperate, but it just doesn't fit the bill, either physically or emotionally. There are times when I am grumpy and out of sorts that I find myself hoping that he will just 'spank the crank' out of me, but it doesn't happen. I've even told him that if his friends knew that he had permission to paddle the heck out of his wife when she misbehaved and he didn't do it, they would tell him he was crazy! *deep breath* Ok, you really shouldn't ask these kinds of questions - you unleash the deprived crazy woman!
ReplyDeleteSorry Erica, I can't help responding to the "deprived crazy woman" thing. I so get what Karyn is saying!
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until I was about 54 that I even knew there was a scene and started to investigate. I saw a lot of crap then, got a lot of viruses on the old computer, as you know, so I went back into whatever shell there was. Then, my DH died and this fetish came on so strong I had to do something. Now that I have experienced that nice spanking feeling, you bet I tend to crave it.
The void? Yes. My entire life until last year at age 61! Then the void when my top is either out of town or I have to wait because of other reasons. Gak to the void!
But, I have actually found the void (I prefer the word "delay") to be something that is good for me to some extent. I HAVE to deal with it and I'm less likely to get so hung up in the scene that I forget there are other things in life; such as processing all the sand with the tiny flakes of gold in it!
Yeah, I am feeling a bit better today than yesterday. ^_^
Karyn -- oh nooooooooo. Yes, I do remember where and how you met your hubby! I'm so sorry things turned in that direction. How utterly frustrating for you. I know he is a good soul, and I understand that phenomenon of being TOO close to someone to be able to "hurt" them. I have the reverse with John; I can take inordinate amounts of spanking pain from ST or other play partners I've known, but not from John. It gets me upset. Bizarre, huh?
ReplyDeleteErica, can I ask you a question. We both love two 'sports'. Spanking and Crossword Puzzles. If the Olympic Games, would add these two sports to their events. Would you join me in entering them. If so, would we win the Gold Medal.
ReplyDeleteSix -- :-) ST suggested Olympic spanking as well. Although I think it would have to be pink, scarlet and purple medals, as opposed to bronze, silver and gold.
ReplyDeleteErica, you made my day. Thank you. By the way you can do 'crossword puzzles', on the Internet, I do so every day, and enjoy doing them, Just press Crossword Puzzles, and you get a varied amount of them. Then choose the one you like. XXX Luv.
DeleteI feel sick, disoriented and half dead without it. That probably qualifies as addiction.
ReplyDeleteI have Selfed, I've had to. It's no substitute but I know there's lots of people that's all they've got and bless their hearts.
Lean into the void, experience it, own it but pleasegod I hope Mr. Possible turns into Mr. Definite for you. I feel your [lack of]pain. WHY WHY (sorry, didn't mean to ring up Nancy Kerrigan flashbacks -- Olympics, sorry), why in this shit shellacked year of so few good things am I having to wonder if I'm losing my top? We've been through long periods of inactivity before but something doesn't feel right.
So, this has been uplifting and informative. Glad you asked?
Best of luck to you. Strong arms and strong hands, that's our victory march :)
Emen -- I hope that is not the case. I know what you mean about that feeling of not-rightness and it sucks.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I had the same WHY reaction... in a year of losses and stress, I so did not need this. But I knew this would happen some day. ST deserves so much more than I could ever give him. So, I endeavor to accept the things I cannot change.
Going without.... SUCKS.
ReplyDeleteChange .....SUCKS.
nuff said.
(here's hoping we both remedy that soon)