Message to me on FetLife:
Nice profile pic. Is that your freshly spanked as?
As what? Nah, that's not me. Some strange woman just happened to appear bare-assed in my bedroom.
Guy on Alt wrote to me. His profile bore zero resemblance to mine, and he was older than what I specifically requested, so I didn't reply. A week later, I get this:
Why won't you let me spank you??? We can meet for a coffee or lunch and see how it goes and move on from there. You pic the place in your are that you feel comfortible with.
I still didn't reply, but realllllly wanted to write the following:
Uhmmm... why? Well, let's see:
1. You're several years older than my crystal-clear stated age range, and you look 10 years older than your age;
2. You can't type three sentences without making three errors; and
3. Your profile states that you're especially interested in women who wish to learn how to lactate. Wrong anatomical region, pal. I don't have milk glands in my butt. Move on.
When we're you last punished? Don't you feel that twinge right down to your clit Erica ?
None of you're fucking business.
Hi Darling
you are totally fuckable
I am in LA a lot
Well, good for you, Snookums. Feel free to pass by my apartment when you're in town. And then keep going.
Finally -- doesn't happen often, but this little gem is from a female:
Hi Erica , my name is [deleted] I just wanted to say I was asked to be spanked across my ample bottom ... I am so naughty lately and justly deserve it but an so embarrassed to be bare bottomed and humiliated ... Any suggestions I know I can't hold out they are ready to doank any moment and I do not have a choice.. My bottom is swelling with anticipation . So are breasts he plans to tug and pull them a bit I imagine.. Here we Go....
What am I supposed to say to this, really? Thanks for sharing? Happy doanking? (WTF is doanking?) Oh, and her bottom is swelling with anticipation? Hmmm. Sounds to me like an excuse why she can't get her jeans on.
Hope everyone out there is doing well and dealing with the heat without too much suffering. It is disgusting here -- the air feels like a thick, hot, and wet blanket. All the more reason to stay indoors, my preferred place. :-D
Have a great weekend, y'all.
Im not getting anything on or off.Loved your post and please keep posting.
ReplyDeleteErica, you column for Friday the 13th Hall of Shame is funny. But never the less, those items that you receive in the mail. Proves, that the truth, is always stranger than fiction.
ReplyDeleteMargita -- as long as people keep reading, I'll keep posting. :-)
ReplyDeleteSix -- that it is.
OMG Erica,I can't stop laughing hehehe LOL :-)I agree that they don't know how to spell and WTF is doanking? With your come back's that you wanted to write,they had me squealing with laughter :-)I am glad i wasn't drinking nothing cause i would of spit it out,from laughing so much.Thank's for sharing,Wishing you and John a great weekend as well :-)much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo
ReplyDeleteJade -- glad you enjoyed. :-)
ReplyDeleteI always love these. It's kind of mean-spirited laughing at people, but it sure is fun!
ReplyDeletep.s.
re: "doank" S is next to D, and P is next to O on the keyboard. Maybe her fingers were swelling with anticipation as well.
Lol, the idiots never cease! I can't even find "doanking" in Urban Dictionary so I'm guessing it's a typo or a yet to be created fetish. I don't like the heat either and always prefer the indoors. http://www.someecards.com/flirting-cards/im-outdoorsy-in-that-i-like-getting
ReplyDeleteErica, I couldn't help but notice your clear regret, that you don't have milk glands in your butt... but I happen to know at least two highly respected doctors in Beverly Hills who could help, and make that ambitious dream a reality for you. It's a bold move, sure, but you are a bold woman, and just think of the profits!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just feel compelled to remind you once in a while that you are one of the very best human beings on this planet, and I am glad to know you every day. Also, more people should buy your book. Oh, you have written more than one? Well, I hope your tour comes to Denver. The Tattered Cover bookstores here would love you.
Cheers,
Your D
If my bottom would swell with anticipation I'd look a lot better in my Jeans. Probably has something to do with the doank.
ReplyDeleteThanks, always love these.
Erica, you have a good sense of humor, have you ever applied to write skits, for a comedy show, such as Saturday Nite Live, or for an individaul comedian. I think you would be good at it.
ReplyDeleteor it could have been a reference to badonka-doank... you never know.
ReplyDeletePriceless!!!
ReplyDeleteYou and CHOS definitely perked up my colossal BLAH attitude I've felt the last few days.
The last email-I wonder if she was painting a picture to entice you-to turn you on to join their little soiree? Regardless, YOU are loved by the masses my friend! :)
Erica,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I really enjoy your responses to the ridiculous comments you receive.
Hug,
joey
Maybe she meant to write "podunk"? As in podunk town? Probably from such. Wait, I AM from such. What does that tell ya?
ReplyDeleteSS -- I do believe you deciphered it. And your comment about her fingers swelling made me laugh out loud. :-)
ReplyDeleteLea -- ha! Yeah, that's my extent of "outdoors" too.
Danny -- ah, D. I love you. ♥ Miss your whacko humor.
Emen -- I don't want my bottom swelling until AFTER, thankyouverymuch. :-)
Six -- my father made his living at that. Alas, I'm too old to break into that industry. But I don't think I'd want to anyway.
Kelly -- uhhhh... yeah, I'd definitely pass on that soiree! LOL
joey -- thanks! I do have fun with them.
Bobbie Jo -- nope, SS figured it out. I've always like the word "podunk," though.
The excitement of receiving messages... oh well... hope some messages are worthwhile..
ReplyDeletebottoms up
Red
Red -- absolutely, many of them are. Way more good ones than these ridiculous ones. :-)
ReplyDeleteWould "doanking" be the result of a pair of adjoining key typing errors, or am I just stating the obvious?
ReplyDelete(Happy doanking anyway).
John -- yup, we figured that out. But it begs the question: Don't people ever read what they've written before they hit send?? I mean, that is one ridiculous typo!
ReplyDeleteSo women are randomly sending you quasi-fiction? I dunno. Once again I come to CHoS where I got nothin'. (Rare, I know...)
ReplyDeleteCraig -- fortunately, I don't get that very often. It does crack me up when I get CHoS items from women, though. Just serves to remind me that my gender can be, and often is, equally tacky! LOL
ReplyDelete