Correspondence Hall of Shame, 3/16

Happy Friday, everyone. And how timely that I have one of these columns today. I am in one of my "too-many-people-are-too-fucking-stupid-and-I-need-to-move-to-another-planet" moods. So now I can release some of my aggression in a fairly innocuous manner.

We begin with this drivel, which has been sent to me four times, no less:

FORMER ROCK STAR Not really a rock superstar , but worked with some great groups including “Alice Cooper” and “Earth , Wind and Fire” , I was a great “jouneyman” musician , not a great songwriter , and a quality , but not unique voice. As with most musicans , incredible sexual adventures , which brought me to this world.. Now , a successful film/tv agent. A different approach..hopefully , successful. This site , and all “meeting sites” are difficult , in very different ways , for men and women. You get massive hits and emails , and men get limited responses. Perhaps my candor will work. This is all absolutely true. I’m 59...attractive , work out daily , in good shape (not a hunk , but when naked , in front of the mirror…I’m happy). Dominant , and when being that , a great Dom. In the past few years , I have “switched” and do find it interesting , but , no less the “Dom”. A simple proposal. Drinks or dinner. If nothing else , some great , intelligent conversation. Perhaps about this world , or life , or love. My profile is all true…and I promise you’ll find me charming , respectful , and fun...Sincere Thanks

Ooooooh! Earth, Wind and Fire! I can feel my panties dampening already!

First, you say you're 59 but your profile says you're 62. Second, you use way too damn many commas and a space before each of them is unnecessary. And third, ever wonder exactly why you get limited responses. Give that a think next time you're standing in front of the mirror naked. (brain bleach, please)

I am interested in gentle dildo training.

I should think you are. Because one should never train one's dildo harshly.

hello do you enjoy face sitting if so would you like to turn myface into your set and sit onit as long as you like or wear my face like its your panties

Ye gods. You attached your picture; I've seen your face. I don't want to sit on it, wear it or ever see it again.

Haven't gotten one of these for a while -- a form letter:

First let ME clarify that Ww/e have the time and resources to travel and be where we want when we want. We can travel nationally if we feel the person warrants it. Seriously searching we have the time to make the effort to meet truly serious people. PICS ON PROFILE.

Secondly, we can devote large amounts of time to training, play and lifestyle travel with you. If you are inexperienced, brand new, or live a distance, it is not a problem. We travel to you, if need be and in those cases where it has worked well we have you travel with us on kinky holidays, trips and to lifestyle resorts. If you are new you will be safe, learn at your own pace and be shown all that you need to know to be active in a safe way. For the more experienced we look for a different experience of intense edge play and intense scenes and complex play with larger equipment and scenes such as abduction, interrogation, play rape, forced use and humiliation.

Intense and commanding, educated and worldly, a skilled teacher, We seek primarly a fem sub/slave or couple to pursue the joys and pleasures of bdsm and the erotic arts. Both are fit, attractive, very creative, kinky, sexually on fire, and bring a very firm hand to training and discipline, but open and clear in our desires and wants. I have a great deal of experience, am very visual, a leather lover, enjoy complex “scenes”, and expert with MY tools and toys. We are a long term lifestyle Dom/sub couple and will take you sexually and mentally where you have not gone before.

We believe in safe, sane and have a strong need to dominate and use you in endless ways. I have done MY “homework” and know the power of the mind, understand submission and know well the role of a Master in the care and development of the submissive/slave mind. It’s not just about kinky sex, but about the blend of sex, control, submission and emotional need. The best have it in their DNA. She is bisexual, skilled and polished in the art of slavery and submission.

We have a full life being a successful professionals, direct and honest, passionate about life and living to the fullest. I am lean, passionate, strong hands and sexually insatiable using the body and mind for intense mind fucks. She is multi orgasmic, long legged and a lean blonde slut. I have trained and owned slaves in the past and am a skilled and patient teacher of “newbies” as well as those who are seasoned.

I enjoy, practice and excel at many fetishes including long sessions of bdsm, rope play, anal play, electric, rope and whip and flogger and a wide range of mental fetish play, sexual D/s, and adult exploration. I push boundaries including edge play, but take you there safely and back. I am active in the San Diego and LA bdsm communities, frequent the dungeons and private play parties and discreet meets and socials.

What a pity that I wasted my time reading all of this, when you so clearly didn't read a word of my profile.

I could go into all the reasons why what you've written to me is so, so inappropriate, but I don't have all weekend. Oh, and I prefer to call myself "experienced." Saying I'm "seasoned" makes it sound like I have 11 secret herbs and spices on my ass.

And the Gem of the Week goes to:

Hi, I know what u mean,not a sub you think like I do.you r a bottom--great one also---I have 50yrs.in the scene. I know what u want, I was in LEATHER ROSE Chi. many yrs. ago--know just how to please a Bottom, like u....I love your honesty! put the bozos in their place, My b day is Mar.17th. St. PADDLE. me day,ha ha,I d give u u my spanks,mmmmmm now back to u young lady,If i had u otk, i would take u (flying)---term 4 when you get soooo excited u get dizzy and shake as u orgasm.--not being crude just hot-wet moist. My uncle "tanned"my 16yr.old cousin 2-3x a week,that started my SPANKING career. got a chubby and loved to spank since then. You must have gotten hot when some one paddled u otk how old were u, first spanking???tets chat---lost my lil bottom 4yrs ago. play safe ---lets talk...a friend??I lived in Yuca Valley yrs ago take care

My dear fellow, I had many reactions to this, but "hot-wet moist" wasn't one of them. Put the bozos in their place, huh? Okie dokie. **plunk** And no, I didn't put you in the Recycle bin, either.

Why am I in a foul mood? Meh. Doesn't matter. Lots of little irritants. At least I get to escape to John's for a couple of days. And it's going to rain all weekend, which cheers me up. Yes, I know that's weird. What else is new.

So have a great weekend, y'all. Happy St. Paddy's Day. Wearing green = good. Drinking until you're green = notsomuch.