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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

OT: I am too @#$%ing old to be a fangirl

It's confession time, kids. I feel like a complete ass, and what better place to share that than here, right? (Wrong kind of ass, though.)

So here it is: I have been fan-crushing on an actor on Twitter.

It all started with the season 14 finale of Law & Order: SVU, one of my favorite shows. This episode introduced a character named William Lewis, played by an actor I wasn't familiar with at the time -- Pablo Schreiber. He gave life to possibly the most evil villain ever portrayed on that show; a serial killer/rapist, sadistic, cunning, manipulative, and yet somehow eerily charming. Usually, the bad guys die off or go away on SVU in one episode; not William Lewis. He stuck around, left Season 14 on a cliffhanger, and continued into a five-episode story arc that stretched all across Season 5, with him caught up in a twisted dance with Sergeant Olivia Benson (played by the brilliant Mariska Hargitay).

The William Lewis saga took off. It seems that I wasn't the only one mesmerized by this horrible character, or Pablo's incredible portrayal of him. During the time where he had Benson held captive, the hashtag "#SaveBenson" trended worldwide. Twitter was abuzz about the show, about the two of them, about his acting, about just what it was that made his character so compelling and watchable, even though he was horrifying. (The fact that Mr. Schreiber is rather handsome just seemed to make matters more confusing.)

There were even T-shirts...

Anyway, now that I'd laid the background... Pablo Schreiber is on Twitter. He's fairly active on it, and has a large following. No, not millions like Justin Bieber (gag), but up there in the tens of thousands, and he has a lot of fangirls (one young woman refers to herself as a Schreibette, which really tickled me; I guess I'm one as well). Because I follow him, I can see everything he tweets.

Sometimes, he responds to his fans. But there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to why or which ones. He has three levels of responses, it seems. If he likes what you've tweeted and wants to keep it, he marks it as a "favorite." That's not really a response, since he doesn't say anything, but you can still see that your tweet was favorited by him. Next level is he'll retweet what you posted. That says "Hey, I really like this and it's worth passing on to others." But the third level, the holy grail? He actually responds.

Again, there's no pattern. Sometimes, he'll post a thank-you to a compliment. But a lot of the time, his replies are dry and sarcastic, kind of anti-replies. They can be very clever. And he gets some pretty unusual stuff thrown his way.

A fan who calls herself Jesus: [a bunch of gibberish about how he needs to die]
Pablo: Jesus, are you OK?

Fan: There's just something about you that makes me want to kill myself.
Pablo: Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Fan: Hey Pablo, what r u doing right now?
Pablo: Oh, u know, tweeting back to my fans. How about u?

Fan: Why is Pornstache such a douchebag?
Pablo: Probably 'cause people like you call him names like that.

Who is Pornstache? Well, I was so impressed with Pablo's acting on SVU, I wanted to see more. Of course, William Lewis had to be dispatched eventually, so I went on to something else. Pablo is also in the NetFlix hit, Orange is the New Black, about a women's prison. He plays yet another creepy sleaze on this show, but this one is played more for laughs -- a prison guard named George Mendez, with a greasy dark flat-top haircut and a really cheesy porn-star mustache, hence giving him the nickname "Pornstache." So I started watching OITNB. Yup, he's creepy, all right. And the mustache has taken on a life of its own, appearing everywhere and on everyone and everything.

What's the upshot to this story? Here it is: I became obsessed with getting a response from him. I wanted to be one of those random fans to whom he chose to reply. Why? Just because. Call it feeding the attention whore, who knows.

No, I didn't go nuts tweet-bombing him. But I did tweet to him on occasion. And the only level I got to was "favorite." No retweets, and no responses. I guess I wasn't worthy. So I kept trying.

I did the direct approach -- I posted sincere compliments. I tweeted that he had created one of the most compelling and watchable villains in TV history, and I was sort of sad to see him go down. He favorited that. Another time, after one of the episodes, I tweeted that if he and Mariska didn't win Emmys for this, I've give them mine, and I posted a picture of myself pointing to my dad's Emmy. That one got nothing.

I watched his random replies and thought, "Goddammit, he'll respond to that, but not to me?? What's the secret? I must know!"

I saw all the weird Photoshop creations people were doing with mustaches, and last weekend, my own idea hit me. Pornstache... Pornstache... Hey! Wouldn't it be hilarious if there were a Ben and Jerry's ice cream called "Pornstachio"?

I recalled that long ago, Lea had blogged about creating naughty flavors with a Ben and Jerry's Flavor Generator, so I eagerly dug through her older posts until I found it. But unfortunately, that site was no longer. Dammit! Now what?

OK, I am no whiz with photo editing. I can do the rudimentary stuff like cropping and resizing, and adjusting the exposure, but nothing impressive. Still, I was determined to create something.

I searched and found a picture of Ben and Jerry's Pistachio ice cream and downloaded it. Then, with my Photoshop wannabe program, PicMonkey, I proceeded to fool around with the pic, doing my best with my meager skills to create something at least somewhat close to what I had in mind. 

An hour later, I figured I'd done all I could do. I'm not proud of this, folks. It's crap. But it has its charm, I guess.

Pistachio ice cream with mini chocolate mustaches, yum! And there's His Creepiness's face on the carton.

I tweeted him, posting the photo and writing: "Apologies for my lousy photo-edit skills, but here's a Ben & Jerry's flavor I'd love to see."

After all that? He favorited it. But still no retweet, and no response. Several of his fangirls saw it and retweeted it, and commented to it. But nothing from him. I suppose some would say, "Well, at least he favorited you; that's something." But not enough for me.

It was then when I had my "What the @#$% do you think you're doing?" moment. I felt ridiculous, wasting this time and effort. 

Teenagers can get away with being rabid fans. So can some 20-somethings. But someone of my advanced years fan-girling on Twitter is laughable! (groan)

So, kids, I have officially given up. I will never get Pablo Schreiber to reply to me on Twitter. And I have tweeted my last tweet to him. A person can make an ass of themselves only for so long (one would hope, anyway). 

(sigh) OK, have at it. Let the teasing commence. I deserve it.


  1. A+ new flavor creation.

    Well I'm in YOUR corner and could totally understand your personal challenge to get a more specialized acknowledgment from him. But brilliant acting aside he kind of seems like he's very full of himself based on how he picks and chooses what's response "worthy."
    Have you ever gotten personal replies from Mariska?

    You know how much I love Heart. They have a Facebook page and Ann Wilson also has her own page. She has clicked like on at least one of my comments. Another actress Nancy Lee Grahn who plays Alexis Davis on General Hospital posts outrageous and very politically incorrect posts. :)
    She has clicked like many times to many fans' responses but never personally replies on her page because she says she's computer challenged-the page must have some kind of effed up format?

  2. Kelly -- nah, I don't think he's full of himself. He gets a lot of tweets and he can't reply to them all. A lot of the celebs on Twitter never reply to anyone, so I give him props for that. But so damned frustrating!

    I even thought maybe he clicked on my profile, read about the kink stuff and backed off. But he gets -- and answers -- tweets from people way more twisted than I am! LOL

    Too computer challenged to reply to comments on your own post? That's pretty challenged.

    1. P.S. Forgot to answer your question. No, never got a reply from Mariska either. (sigh) The only celeb who has ever responded to me was Dick Smothers. Not that I've tweeted to all that many, but I like to on occasion.

  3. I don't think this is something to laugh at. You liked what he did as an actor, you let him know and you tried to being a little humour into his life. Nothing wrong with that. So you wanted a little return validation/acknowledgement, nothing wrong with that either. I mean, it's not like you were stalking him or mailing him panties. I saw no harm done, plus you got a cute new ice cream flavour idea out of the experience.

  4. Anonymous -- I like your take on it; thank you. I still feel kinda sheepish, though. And yeah, it still bugs me that he didn't respond! LOL

  5. Well, here I am, you cute girl fan of me.

  6. Guess Who -- yeah, yeah. I knew someone would do that. :-)

  7. Meager PicMonkey skills??? I'm so proud of you. And the first person who uses a Schweddy Balls reference to make the CHos gets seriously spanked.

  8. I might have smiled my way through your entire post, but I'm certainly not going to tease you about anything. I tried to contact an author through the mail once when I was younger...all I got back was a standard reply where you could tell someone was paid to copy/paste/change name and address. Who knows if anyone even read the letter. Oh well, at least we tried. :-)

  9. Anonymous -- LOL! Why? Are you Pete Schweddy? And what do Schweddy Balls have to do with Pornstachio ice cream, anyway? I'm so confused...

    Jay -- (sigh) I seem to have better luck with authors. So far, I have emailed three of them with my admiration for their work, and all three have answered.

  10. That's awesome. I love your posts when it's just about off topic stuff too. Kudos to you for figuring out twitter- something I haven't mastered. Agreed with Jay- I smiled my way through the entire post. Pornstachio is clever, and better than I could do with MSPaint!
    Heaven help us all when you start watching Game of Thrones!

  11. SS -- noooooo, no no no. No Game of Thrones for me. Way too much gory stuff.

    I wonder if I should write to Ben and Jerry...

  12. I remember those episodes and was surprised when he came back the first time. He was a scary character. I keep hearing about Orange is the new Black show; I have to check it out. And, no, why should anyone tease you; we all like a little recognition.

  13. Kaki -- finally, someone who saw those episodes too! Wasn't he amazing? I hear he's being considered for an Emmy on both SVU and OITNB.

  14. Hi Erica -- I would never tease you about anything :-) Wanting a response from him is totally normal. I think the new ice cream flavor, that you made up is so COOL :-) LOL The pic of that cat with the mustache made me LOL :-) Wishing you and John a GREAT weekend :-) Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  15. That ice cream is too funny! I saw a pornstache picture on one of the Cheezburger sites I subscribe to, an not knowing the background, I thought it was a takeoff on Ron Jeremy.


  16. Hermione -- I think the reason why Pablo's character has the name "Pornstache" is in homage to Ron Jeremy. :-)

  17. Yes, a person can make an ass of themselves for only so long. However, I'll take the presence of your xyy (I won't write it, as you don't like it called that) for as long as we breathe. After all, we WILL be Top and Bottom when we're 80. Oh, and will you be a fangirl of mine? Steve