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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I will never forget...

... that my top Steve loves and cares about me.

If Steve were the sort of top who ordered lines to be written (and I were the sort of bottom who would actually do it), I'd be writing that line 100 times. But as it is, I was to announce it publicly to my readers, so they could help remind me when I forget.

Meanwhile, he helped remind me in other ways yesterday.

What can I say. It was a bad two weeks, stressful and depressing and lonely. Meanwhile, he was away with his son, climbing Mt. Whitney, up in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone reception. After 10 days of no contact, my head went south. Maybe something bad happened. Bad things can happen on strenuous hikes. He has a bum knee; maybe it gave out and he fell. He has high blood pressure -- maybe he had a stroke.

Or maybe he'd just forgotten about me.

It turns out that four days into his trip, when he reached the top, he had a brief moment of reception and he sent me a selfie. But I never got it.

(sigh) Long story short, I disappeared into my own head, and he brought me back.

He apologized for not contacting me before he left to say goodbye. But he did try to reach me with the selfie. He didn't forget. 

"I get caught up in my own stuff and I let time go by sometimes," he said. "But I always come back, don't I?"

"Yes, I know you do," I answered. "But I feel like in between, I'm out of sight, out of mind."

"No. You're not."

He drove the point home, repeatedly, with his hand and several implements. "Who loves you?" "Who cares about you?" "Who's not going anywhere?" And the questions weren't rhetorical; I had to answer them. Reminders. Many, many reminders.

"Do you feel that, deep in your heart?"

"That's not where my heart is!"

"It is today!"

No tears in this scene. I guess I had cried enough in the past two weeks. But I felt like he'd taken an anvil off my chest, and flipped a switch in my head, shutting off the negative nattering. Fuck you, depression. You visit, but I will not let you move in. Not any more.

Later, we were back to our playful mode. I was teasing him because, although his family roots go back to several generations in Mexico, he doesn't know a word of Spanish. "You're a disgrace to your heritage, not knowing the language!"

"I don't need to speak Spanish," he answered. "I speak your language -- Spanklish."

banging my head on the desk and groaning

We're going on two years, next month. I guess he really isn't going anywhere. Even John says, "Hey, he chose you over [the ultra-possessive ex]! How much more do you need?"

Yesterday was kind of a wash, since I was too out of it after he left to do much more than screw around on FetLife and play Scrabble on FB. Today, sore but at peace, I am back to work. 

Te amo, my top.


  1. I can't believe that 2 years have gone by. Here's to many many more with you and Steve speaking Spanklish to each other! :)

  2. MrJ -- thank you. :-)

    Kelly -- I know, right? I remember our first coffee meeting like it was last week.

  3. Yay for being sore and at peace! :-)

    Oh...and I absolutely hate those "maybe" or "what if" scenarios. Why isn't he calling? Maybe he fell off a roof, maybe his cell died, maybe he got into a car wreck, maybe he doesn't care about me as much anymore, etc. They have a bad habit of running through my head at the worst possible moments. (sigh)

  4. Jay -- unfortunately, even after a million years in therapy and a lot of work, I still have abandonment issues that run deep. Steve, fortunately, is patient, and considers it his mission to convince me (repeatedly and emphatically), that he's not going to "pull a [ST]," as he calls it.

  5. I'll admit I was wondering about that having just read about it, but wasn't going to bug you with [probably personal] questions. I am somewhere in December 2012 of your archive...yes, I'm still reading my way through it. It's really hard to not comment on things that happened a long time ago! I'm going to take a guess based on Kelly's comment and say that Steve is Mr. D?

  6. Jay -- yes, Steve is/was Mr. D. He came into my life at the exact moment when my former top found a girlfriend who didn't want me to be part of his life anymore. He took a situation that could have floored me for a very long time, and gave me an alternate path to take. ♥

  7. Wow, I'm very happy everything worked out the way it did. :-) (hugs)

  8. Dam lady this is one amazing post, thank you for being so honest and yes, you are always in his doubt. And personnally thank you for the lovely picture of your beautiful panty bottom. Amazing post, thank you

  9. I don't want to minimize your point, but are you ever in shape! Your legs and bottom are incredible.

  10. ¡Cómo tocar! (How touching!)

    (Oh, there's an accidental bad pun there, seems I can't help myself.)

    But all seriousness aside, I'm glad Steve is there for recovery and to remind you you are indeed loved.

    (See, I didn't say "to whip things back into shape," aren't you proud?)

  11. Rats, "tocar," "to touch" might be too literal. "Eso es muy conmovedor," (that's very touching) would be better. And preserve the pun. Ooh, I'm gonna get a T-shirt saying that, "Preserve the Pun." With a picture of a jar.

  12. Gary -- thank you. :-) I do work at it.

    Wolfie -- you did too say it. Saying you're not saying it is the same as saying it.

  13. Hi Erica -- Happy 2 year anniversary to you and Steve :-) I hate depression it SUCKS out loud :-( I have had the same feelings as you, when it comes to me feeling like someone has forgotten me or something bad happening to someone :-( Those feelings are very scary. I agree with John, Steve is here to stay :-) Spanklish is a COOL word, I like it.Does Te amo mean Thank you in Spanish? Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  14. Jade -- no, "te amo" means "I love you" in Spanish. :-)

  15. Her face obscured by a mop of blonde hair, a student endures an over the knee hand spanking by Headmaster Tom. At first, she remains fully clothed, in jean jacket, cargo pants and trainers. But the spanking scenario graduates from her bare bottom to her completely unclothed naked body. The prolonged spanking draws whimpering and struggling but in the end the student is left in the corner, her hands above her head. Watch full movie here