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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Just because

I'm always happy to see Steve. But sometimes, I really, really need to Steve. Just because.

Because he is so much more than my top. He is my friend and my confidant, and at times, my rock. Because sometimes, life feels like shifting sand under my feet, and I find stability under his hand, or in his arms. 

I don't like ceding control, or showing weakness. But he gives me permission with his presence. 

John and I often talk about what makes a perfect scene. He says, for him, an ideal scene is a blend of physical, mental, and sexual. The physical activity needs to be present and handled well, but without the head space, it's just pain. Also without the sexual arousal, it's just pain.

I modify that a little, I think. Maybe it's just semantics. But I prefer physical, emotional, and either sexual or sensual. Emotional, for me, encompasses so much more than mental -- not just my head space, but all the feelings I'm experiencing. And while some would say that any spanking is sexual, simply by its nature (intimate contact, bare flesh, etc.), I don't always think of it as sexual, especially in party play. But sensual it is for sure. The touch, the caress, the slap, the hand in my hair. The sensuality of the varying touches feeds my skin hunger.

Today, after talking for a while, I decided to set the mood by surprising him with Secretary -- he'd never seen it, and I picked up a copy on Amazon. I know the scene community is divided on this film and I won't belabor all the old arguments -- the movie is 12 years old, after all. But happily, Steve loved it. 

Slight tangent here -- I have a question, for those who have seen the movie (more than once, as I have) and remember specific scenes. Do you recall the part at the end when Lee is sitting at Mr. Grey's desk in the wedding dress, refusing to move, and is slowly growing delirious with hunger and thirst as three days pass? Her fiancé came to see her in the beginning, and that was real. But remember how a parade of people came in to see her as she sat there in her stupor? Her mother, her father, her doctor, her brother-in-law, the paralegal, Grey's ex, and a strange woman with a stack of books on feminism? Were those people's visits for real, or were they in Lee's imagination? I tend to believe the latter.

Anyway... we had a deliciously intense session after that, one where I felt completely in submissive mode. (Must have been the movie.) At one point, I remember him rubbing his palm over my lower thighs, teasing, making it seem as if he were going to strike me there. Which would hurt like hell. But all I could think was, "I accept. I'm ready if that's what you choose to do."

He didn't. But I thought he would.

He liked the dress I was wearing, and wanted pictures of it.

The skirt portion is short, with a sheer, floor-length covering. 

I'd mostly faded by the time we got to these, but it's OK.

"By the way," he said after the film. "You can be a bad girl all you want, but no cockroaches, OK?" I assured him that's not my style. I can't get near one of those things without screaming like a girl. No worms, either. 

Oh, and look what he brought for me:

No special occasion, no particular reason. Just because. :-)


  1. This was really sweet and made me smile. I'm so glad you have Steve. :D

  2. Such lovely flowers! Steve's a real sweetheart.

    I remember the part of the movie you mention. When she peed, Ron insisted he'd had enough and I stopped the movie. (I watched the rest later on my own.) To answer your question, I have no idea, but here's a suggestion. Watch the movie with the director's comments turned on, and you might find the answer in what he has to say about the scene. I watched it that way once and it was quite interesting.


  3. I've watched Secretary a couple of times, a few months ago I introduced my partner to it. My view is that the sequence toward the end where she is sitting in the office shows what is actually what is happening around the character. I do not think it is a dream sequence. Mostly because the things the other characters say to Lee appear to be in line with what they would usually say/do. Partly because the other times the movie shows us dream sequences those sections are really obviously in her mind. The masturbation scene, for example, is clearly shown as a daydream.

    Perhaps I want that scene to be real. As I recall there is a touching father/daughter moment in that scene where he shows his support and it brings those characters closer together. I feel this is important since Lee's dad seemed to be a big part of her pain/stress early in the movie. If that moment is only in her head, then it leaves the plot thread with Lee's dad feeling unresolved.

  4. Alex -- thanks, sweetie. Me too.

    Hermione -- now there's a thought. Usually I find director commentary to be tedious, but in this case, it does sound like it would be interesting.

    Anonymous -- you make good points. You're right about the scene with her father, and he's the only one she actually speaks to ("Thank you, Daddy"). But some of the other visitors make me wonder. The feminist with the book? Her mother... bringing her peas?? Grey's ex? ("The worm was brilliant.") How the hell did *she* know about the worm?

    And how did the news people get into the act? "Third day of the Lee Holloway Hunger Strike" -- like they'd really follow something like this? She's not a celebrity.

    I tend to overthink these things. :-)

  5. Well, the mother bringing peas goes back to the dinner scene where Lee doesn't eat much. I suspect the scene is there to show her mother understands there is a problem, but does not understand the nature of the issue. (Which is brought up a few times through the movie.)

    Grey's ex seems to be in touch with Grey during the movie so he might have mentioned the games currently being played, like the worm. For that matter, the ex might have stopped by and Lee could have told the story herself. We only see a few seconds of events over the three days. Maybe the two ladies bonded.

    As for the news people, keep in mind the location appears to be a small town or suburbs. In such settings news people would go nuts over a hunger strike. In small towns news people will circle like sharks if they see three people holding protest signs. The idea of a young woman starving herself in a wedding dress would have the reporters lined up outside the door.

  6. A -- good points all. Perhaps they meant to leave that scene to our interpretations.

  7. Great flowers, Ereica. I can see you are really important to him too.
    Emotional certainly is an additional qualification, although I would not have it replace mental - I would say there is a truly essential mental dimension in any enoyaoble spanking or play.

  8. MrJ -- I suppose I was thinking that emotional encompasses mental, but perhaps they are separate entities.

    1. I'd say that some real understanding of mental processes is crucial, but, I agree, that certainly goes beyond the cerebral - has intuitive and emotional dimensions. I'm not sure what comprises what.,

  9. Hi Erica -- You are so very lucky, to have Steve :-) He is a WONDERFUL top.The flowers he got you are so pretty :-) You look BEAUTIFUL in your dress. Reading this made me smile.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  10. Jade -- I am lucky indeed. Thanks.

  11. Hello Erica ... You have been nominated for a Liebster Award (by me). Please go to my blog and see my latest entry:
    and there you will find all the information you need. I hope it is alright with you that I nominated you. I think you are fantastic.

  12. sub hub -- thank you. That was very sweet.

  13. The movie was great. I'd love to see it again. Your dress was to spank for. Oh wait...we did. The flowers...well, just because you are. Congrats on your Liebster Award nomination. See you on Tuesday. Mwah! Steve

  14. Steve -- yes, you will! :-)