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Friday, April 11, 2014

The final word on the "Not Listening Stick"

Note: in order to know what I'm talking about here, you have to read this post.

So on Wednesday, I went to see my stepmother S. We had a wonderful visit, spending a total of five hours together, talking and talking and talking. When we were on our way to lunch, I casually mentioned to her that I had finally seen Ladies' Man for the first time. We got into talking about her experiences being on that set. For one thing, her particular vignette in it was a standalone scene and she didn't interact with any of the other actresses, just Jerry. But she was on the set for a full 11 weeks before they even got to her scene. Why? Because Jerry wanted her there. So basically, she was paid to be on set for all those weeks, for doing nothing. But she got to observe.

She said she got to see all sides of Jerry -- his benevolent, playful side, and the side that was, in her words, an absolute monster, insulting and humiliating people. What did he do? I asked. "He went off on these terrible tirades, yelling and saying horrible things. A lot of the women were reduced to tears."

That's when I first mentioned the picture I'd seen. I asked her if she remembered seeing that stick. She said she didn't, but it wouldn't surprise her. She then continued, talking about how he was whacked out most of the time on a combination of his pain meds and his preferred cocktail. Apparently, he would take a full-sized drinking glass and fill it with half brandy, and half milk. BLECCHH! And he would chug that like water. After watching his behavior for all those weeks, she was very nervous about what she was in for, but he turned out to be relatively respectful to her. I guess he took a liking to her. (If you saw her back then, you'd know why! Plus, she was a strong, confident woman. I think he instinctively knew not to mess with her.)

I was still curious, though. So when we got to the restaurant and were seated, I got out my phone and pulled up the photo of Jerry with the paddle. When S looked at it, her surprise was genuine -- I saw her eyes pop. "Where did you find this?" she asked. Google search, I told her. Then I added, "Can you believe he actually used that on women on his sets?"

She made a wry, disgusted face, and replied, "Well, he was a rather sick individual, my dear."

And that's when I dropped the subject.

I wasn't sure whether or not she was associating paddle wielders to "sick individuals," but I didn't want to find out. When the "s" word comes into a conversation about kinkiness, I know to bow out. 

Oh well.

But on another note, our visit was highly satisfying. I'd been wanting to tell her something for the longest time, but never felt like the moment was right. But she's going to be 83 this month -- she won't be around forever, and I don't want to regret words unsaid.

We talked about when I was a kid, and how I basically got dumped on her when I moved in with her and my dad. How she bore the burden of dealing with a surly pre-teen, with driving me everywhere, with my deep hungering neediness for a mother -- when she already had her own daughter, from whom she was estranged. (Her daughter went to live with her dad, shortly before I moved in with Dad and S.) It had to be tough for her, especially when her marriage to my father started falling apart.

Bottom line? I told her that I realized now how unfair that had been to her, and how grateful I was that she took it on and did the best she could for me in a far-from-ideal situation. Then I took a deep breath and said, "I loved my mother. I know she meant well, she did the best she could, and she had no one to learn any sort of parenting skills from. But... ever since I was a kid, and still, to this day, I wish you were my mother." My throat closed at that point, and I fingered the necklace at my throat. "And I love this so much, I can't begin to tell you."

She smiled. She's not the emotional, touchy-feely sort like I am. But she did say, "Oh, Erica, thank you. That's the best compliment I've ever gotten." (I can't really believe that, but it was nice to hear.) She then added, "I wish I had given birth to both of you." (Me and her daughter.)

So there, I said it. I know it's a betrayal of sorts to my mother, but I can't help it. It's how I feel. And I would have certainly never said it to her. But I'm glad I said it to S.

After lunch, we headed back to her place to talk some more. She has the most adorable little dog, a terrier mix named Katie. This critter loves everyone, and she is so full of life and energy and joy. She ran back and forth between us, bestowing kisses. I wanted a picture with her -- it was hard to get her to stay still in my lap, since she kept twisting around to lick my face and neck and her whole body was wagging. But we got one!

Isn't she cute?? She has these enormous, soulful brown eyes, and she stares right into your eyes with them. 

And here we are at another Friday. Today, John is having his dental implant put in, after having that tooth pulled a few months ago. The procedures and appointments go on and on. The good news is, his leg has been feeling better, is swelling much less, and he's been sleeping a lot better. So he's hasn't been walking around half dead like he was before. There is a lot more work ahead, but at least he's hanging in there. ♥

Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. Brandy and milk? Eeeeewwwww! That's gross! Also, it doesn't surprise me that he's the type that would insult and humiliate people.

    I hate when I like somebody (friend or relative), and I find out that they think kink is "sick". It tends to be mostly old school types, and I don't mean OLD people. Old school types can be middle aged or old, but they think that there's something wrong with anything but vanilla sex.

    As far as what you told S, I think that having the courage to say it was great. I don't think it was a betrayal of your mother, because what was, was. There's somebody I wish I could've told what he did for me as far as being a male role model, because he's the reason that I don't think all men are evil. I know how hard it must have been to say the words, but I have a feeling that they mean more than you think, since she isn't the touchy-feely type.

  2. Jen -- yeah, that was a little disconcerting. But I've learned to expect it. When people don't understand, or share in these feelings, they often tend to reject them. I get that, and that's why I tread with caution.

  3. Erica, your blog is one of my absolute favorites. You are adorable!

  4. My heart stopped for a half second when after she made that comment you said you had something to confess. I though you were going to throw it out there anyway and confess your spanking passion. Even though her reaction to that picture was spanking rejection, you may have felt awkward if her eyes light up at the thought of that S word. LOL
    I think you gave her a fabulous gift to the heart by expressing your true love for her.

  5. Kelly -- nooooo, no. There's no way I'm ever going to share that with her. It's not necessary, and it would probably be a majorly wrong move. But yeah... I'm glad I said what I did say. :-)

  6. Hi Erica -- I am so happy that you confessed how you felt about S :-) I got a little teary eyed when I read that.You and I have some things in common like the subject of Moms and Spanking :-) I am glad you and S spent 5 hours together,Her dog is absolutely ADORABLE :-) I Love the pic of you and Katie the cute little doggie.Brandy and milk sounds so disgusting YUCK. I am so happy that John is doing much better :-) Wishing you and John a WONDERFUL weekend.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  7. Jade -- isn't she sweet? And she's really soft, too. :-)

  8. Don't think that is a betrayal of your Mom at all. It is nice to express your true feelings. Although I enjoy the pictures of your "sessions" the picture of you with the dog is great, fantastic smile, beautiful. You are one classy woman

  9. Anonymous -- that's very kind; thank you. :-)

  10. Well, to be honest, Jerry does sound kind of sick. I mean he was out of his mind on alcohol and pain meds and wielding a paddle at unsuspecting women that he was reducing to tears. Perhaps she didn't just mean kinky people in general, she obviously got to see this crazy person up close.

    I think it's nice that you got to say what you wanted to say. And don't feel guilty! It is what it is and you can't change your feelings.

  11. Casey -- that's a good point; she could have meant his particular type of sickness. But I guess I'll never know for sure. Thank you for stopping by! :-)

  12. You got me all teary. Good for you for telling her how much she meant to you. It's good to not have unfinished business out there... you are an example to us all.

  13. I loved reading about your visit with your step-mom. I'm glad you had an opportunity to express your feelings. I tried something similar with my father before he died, but he wasn’t receptive to my approach.

    There were one or two adults in my childhood who I would have loved as parents. The father of my best friend was one of them. He was always pleasant and good-humored. His model-building skills were incredible.

    There was a time, not that long ago, I would have reacted negatively if I had been labeled as being sick for my predilection. So I was very careful not to give anyone that opportunity. Now, it matters much less to me. I’ve finally realized that I didn’t choose to be what I am; it just happened.

  14. So glad to here you had a good time with your step mother as well get the info on Jerry Lewis' paddle. You have a great weekend as well.

  15. Renee -- it's not always easy to take care of that unfinished business. I got lucky. :-)

    AP -- I know I'm not sick, but I know there are others out there who think what we do is sick. It's a fact of life, and that's why I exercise caution. Overall, I don't care what people think, but my stepmother means a lot to me, so I don't want to take any chances.

    Robert -- thanks!

    1. I understand.

      With my family members, I'm careful too, even though I know some of them may have the kink but have not expressed it openly.

  16. I'm so happy you got to spend so much time with your step-mom. She may not be the touchy-feely type, but I bet what you said meant more to her than you realize. It was so good you were able to tell her. It isn't a betrayal of your mother, either. We can love someone even though our relationship with them wasn't the best.

    Your step-mom is someone you enjoy being with and she enjoys being with you. She is more "mom" than your mother was and I'm not bad-mouthing your mother. She did the best she knew and it just wasn't the right thing for you. At least she wasn't like "Vampira!"

  17. Bobbie Jo -- oh, not even close. My mother was flawed, but meant well. Vampira (my second stepmother) was pure evil!

  18. Amazing post thank you

  19. I don't know how I missed this post in my notifications, but I'm glad to finally see the results of the Big Question. Shame it wasn't more!

  20. Craig -- rather anticlimactic, no?