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Monday, April 7, 2014

Monday morning ramble

No, not a rant. Just stuff I'm thinking about.

The kink scene is a never-ending source of fascination... and frustration. So many things I completely get, and yet there are thousands more that I don't. And sometimes, I have to laugh at myself, because I feel like a total hypocrite. No, I'm not talking about the age-old comparisons and controversies regarding spanking and the overall BDSM scene. I mean, within the spanko scene itself.

Case in point: I see a lot on FetLife, perusing it from day to day. As I follow my various friends on there, I often see mentions of punishments and restrictions. Grounding from social media. Enforced bedtimes. Writing lines. Soap in the mouth. I see women complaining about these things, but they're going along with them anyway. And I find myself getting angry. "What's wrong with you??" I huff to myself. "How can you allow that? You're a grown woman, not a @#$%ing child!"

And that's when I laugh. Yeah, right, Erica. Look at what you allow. You get put across men's laps, your bottom bared and spanked like a naughty little girl. You get called "young lady" and "brat" and you love it. Yeah, that's so adult of you.

Why is that acceptable to me, and yet, the other punishments within the spanko realm are so abhorrent? I know it's "to each their own" and all that, but sometimes, I wish I understood other kinks a bit more.

I read about women saying that they like the restrictions, even though they hate them at the same time, because they need structure and guidance. I guess that's where I rebel. I had more than enough freaking structure and guidance growing up, with my mother. She had more rigid rules and restrictions than any of my peers' parents. Her bedtime for me was so strict that if I went to bed ten minutes late one night, I had to go to bed ten minutes early the next. She constantly came up with creative punishments, like the time she wouldn't allow me to read for a week, which damn near killed me, since I was never without a book. She shoved soap bars in my mouth when I was small. I resented the hell out of all this.

And yet I willingly and happily get spanked. How does that work?

Maybe the immediacy is part of it. It happens and then it's done. Whereas grounding, lines, etc. go on and on, long after the excitement/stimulation/whatever over them is gone. Maybe it's the idea of someone else having that much control over me. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted and no one could tell me otherwise. The irony of that is, as an adult, I'm actually quite self-policing. I am hyper-vigilant about my health, my work, my bills, my responsibilities. I am on my own case enough of the time -- I don't need someone else on it.

Maybe the physical/sexual stimulation is part of it. During a spanking, there's no denying that I'm being stimulated in various ways, endorphins are flying all over, my head space is being altered. Where the hell are the endorphins when I'm writing a line over and over? Where's the excitement when I'm sitting at home, dying to go on FetLife or Facebook or whatever, and being "forbidden" to do so? 

Is there a thrill about being controlled in that manner? Maybe that's the part I'm not getting. All I can see is the resentment and the chafing.

Back in the days when I used to IM all the time, and had a few regulars I'd chat with, one guy told me he wanted me to go stand in the corner of my bedroom for a half-hour, then report back to him. WTF? What the hell would I want to do that for? But he was quite insistent about it. At first I thought, fine, I'll just tell him I did it, and he'll never know the difference. However, on second thought, I got pissed off. Who are you to tell me to do that? Screw you! So I told him no, I'm not doing it. He stopped talking to me.

Yeah, there's a heart-breaker. But what if it had been someone I knew well and loved? Would I do it, or would I still be as pissed off about it? I have a feeling it would be the latter. It doesn't matter how close I am to a man -- I simply do not like being ordered to do things unless it's in the middle of a scene and I'm in that head space.

Of course, the "I'm too @#$%ing old for that" doesn't wash. Because, technically, I'm too @#$%ing old to get spanked as well.

Any thoughts from those who love to hate these adjunct punishments? What is it about being restricted that flips your switch?


  1. I'm thinking the IM guy probably got off on the power he would have if you did go and stand in the corner for 30 minutes: he could control you like that. Even if you didn't do it and told him that you did, he'd love it because he could imagine that you did as he ordered.

    On the spanking, maybe you enjoy being "forced" to do something that you really enjoy doing anyway?

    That's why I also have questions about the use of spanking as (real) punishment for a spanking fetishist. They're going to be subjected to this act that they feardreadhatecravewantneed to reduce the occurrence of the undesirable behavior?

    Writing lines or social media timeout would be more like true punishment, but I've no interest in that, or allowing others to exert that type of control over me. Others' MMV :)

  2. I have used being grounded from social media with my bottom. I try not to make it too long, though, and I only do it when I think it is necessary for her to get some work done. I prefer to use encouragement than punishment, though.

    As for a punishment spanking, even for a spanking fetishist, it can work for certain things. For one thing, it is a different kind of spanking. For another, sometimes it is what is said during the spanking that makes the difference.

    As for the writing of lines, standing in the corner, etc, most of that is a waste of time. So, also, is requiring a bottom to write a 3000 word essay in two days! I don't know of anyone who can do that, including professional writers! I agree with my top: writing is for creative purposes, such a poetry, stories, novels, biographies, history, etc. Writing lines is an exercise in futility.

    For me, it means a lot to have someone willing to pride something I need and do that in a nurturing way, not punitive. Though I have seen her deliver a punishment spanking in person, which was somewhat difficult to watch, it was what the other party wanted.

    I have a hard time understanding why anyone wants to be scolded, but there are those who feel the need for that, too. Just don't try it on me! And don't order me to do anything! Encouragement goes a long way!

    I think it boils down to what each spanko believes they need and want. It is as varied as the number of spankos.

  3. Coming to the realization that what is acceptable to me may not be acceptable to others and vice-versa was an important early lesson in the lifestyle. I may not agree or like what I see, but I'm accepting of the fact that if it works for someone else, who am I to say?

    Certainly, my own evolution in the lifestyle has changed my perspective on things and stuff I couldn't imagine understanding, wanting or doing I do every day.

    Spanko, D/s, whatever it is, if it works for you it works. Whatever floats your boat.

  4. You are not too old for anything, I'd say.;-))
    But, on a more serious note, some things apparently work better than others, for historical and actual reasons. In addition to what you menion, I also sense that submission-as-such is not really topur piece of cake.

  5. "Silly corner" may work as discipline for 5 year old children, but I can't see it being fun for a grown woman.


  6. Anonymous -- I think for spanking lovers, a spanking can still be punishment, IF it's not strictly about the pain. There has to be an alteration in head space, a sense that I've disappointed my top, that I've insulted or hurt someone and I'm genuinely feeling crappy about it, etc.

    Bobbie Jo -- I actually kinda like scolding, as long as it's not berating. I don't want to be called names or told what an awful person I am. But some gentle chiding can really spice things up for me.

    Craig -- I get this, I do. I guess I'm just trying to understand what it is about these alternatives that works for people. I'm not saying it shouldn't work for them, I just want to know why. :-) It's the part of me that craves comprehension.

    MrJ -- believe it or not, I *can* be submissive. But I guess I don't like to be controlled. Oh hell, I don't know what I like half the time. A lot of it depends on how close I am to the man!

  7. John -- I guess it's not supposed to be about fun? Who knows. I'm neutral on that -- I'll do it for a trusted playmate if he wants it, but it does nothing for me.

  8. We haven't been practicing for too long, so things may change in the future. As for now, I get spanked for being a brat, or for falling into old habits that I'm working on breaking. Here 'n there a stress reliever or reminder type. Those alternate punishments like corner time or lines probably wouldn't go over well, because I'm a busy mom of six little minions. It's difficult enough to carve out time for spankings, and--like you--I would have the hardest time not feeling absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn't put it past him to put a temporary hold on social media if I kept putting of something I'd been asked to do, but I depend on internet and social media for a lot of the charitable fundraising and similar things I'm involved with, so even that wouldn't be a good solution.

    Spankings only for us. Occasionally Cap cream if he's away, but it does nothing for head space when used that way, so not very often.

  9. Age is irrelevant as long as you are having a great time getting spanked. I think that also applies to the other punishments like grounding, line writing, etc. If those actions serve a positive purpose to the recipient, then by all means they should do them. But honestly, NONE of those would work for me.
    Spankings and occasional scoldings are what I most enjoy.
    I'm like you where I am pretty self disciplined. I work out almost daily and eat mostly healthy foods and keep up with annual doctor's appts. So most of the scolding would play out in a very entertaining role play scene with one of my tops.
    Possibly you won't have to deal with the dilemma of whether or not you would "obey" a top who ordered you to write lines, stand in the corner, etc. Because if it's a person who already values your needs and desires, the topic may never surface between you.

  10. Brat E. -- Six??? Holy moly. Yes, I can see how time would be a factor! :-)

    Kelly -- good point in that I'll probably never have to deal with it. I'm just curious about the head space of others and what it does for them.

  11. I love being told to write lines being escorted to the corner and having my hands placed behind my back or on top of my head. It's a calming time for me and allows me to "wash away" the stress of my day and readies me for what's to come.

  12. I think you nailed it. There is an excitement and immediacy to spanking. That other stuff is just weird child grade school/middle school stuff. It is not fun. Spanking should be fun for both parties. If it isn't folks should not do it. Thanks.

  13. Anonymous -- see, that's what I was looking for. I wanted to hear what it does for you. :-)

    Anonymous 2 -- I don't want to put down what other people like. That wasn't the point of my post. I know what I like and what I don't, but I'm trying to understand what makes others like what they do. A lot of people would think what *I* do is weird child stuff, after all.

  14. I think it should have an element of fun in this. For me, there is some fun, although I need to have a catharsis, as well.

    A side note: on my birthday, my top was having a lot of fun at my expense. Not that I minded, of course. :-)

  15. Bobbie Jo -- birthdays are for fun. :-)

  16. Hi Erica -- You are NEVER too old to be spanked :-) I like to be spanked and scolded but I agree with you, about being put down and called names,That's where I draw the line.My foster Mom used to make me write lines and essays and I also had corner time and early bed time,I was on restriction too but I don't think they totally worked for me.My hands and arms would hurt and get tired from all that writing. I think a good otk spanking really got my attention LOL :-) Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  17. Spank me if you will, but restrict me not, nor call me the lesser person when I'm more than that, but less than a grain of sand or snowflake, coming only once than perishing quickly either on the high tide or the heat of the noonday sun.

  18. It is Interesting, there seems to be a lot of posts in the spanking blogs recently about people seriously wondering about others degrees of submission.

    Honestly, I don't get it all the degrees either, much the same way I don't understand all fetishes. However myself having certain affinities that others easily frown upon, I find myself more and more understanding.

    More understanding in the realm of "if that works for them and it makes them happy and its consensual etc; good for them". I guess I am more confused by seemingly non-consensual, ongoing relationships.

    Just a comment and an observation of coincidental postings.

  19. Jade -- I don't think I ever had to write lines. I can't remember if I did.

    AP -- Okay...

    Enzo -- I guess the general, and best, consensus is "to each their own," huh?

  20. If I don't get to do any spanking, what's the point?

  21. Anonymous -- LOL! Yeah, that's one way to see it, for sure!

  22. I think there are two main reasons that "genuine punishments" (that's what we call these sorts of punishments, to distinguish them from play or funishments or anything else we do) work in my relationship.

    First, the threat of a GP can inspire me to accomplish things I ordinarily could not manage. The threat alone can even stop my spiraling emotions, which is something I didn't imagine possible before I met Craig.

    Second, on a more physical level, standing in the corner stops my head. It's similar to what happens during a spanking or a good scene, but without the floaty emotional high. During a scene, I get that silence but I don't have an opportunity to do anything with it but enjoy (which I'm not complaining about in the least). But standing in the corner, I can use that quiet to reflect very directly on a particular problem or issue. Sometimes I need that.

  23. Lizzie -- thanks. I can certainly see how that works for you. If I could get past my complete resistance to being controlled, I could probably see those types of benefits as well.