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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

On my mind

I will not be seeing Steve today. This past Sunday, after rigorously training for months, he participated in the L.A. Marathon, along with roughly 21,500 others. It was a bucket list thing for him.

He finished. He had been afraid he wouldn't be able to, but he did. And now he's dealing with, believe it or not, DOMS.

That is a real acronym; it stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. Which is a nice way of saying his body is broken. Poor guy. He said his legs hurt so badly, he couldn't even stand to have me lie across them. :-( Now that's pain.

So, while he soaks in a hot bath with Epsom salts and I sit here feeling out of sorts, I figured it was a good time to discuss a couple of things that have me cranked.

Recently, my friend Secret Spanko posted about childhood spankings. In his blog, he mentioned about how a well-known spanking video producer interviews all his new models, and specifically, asks if they were spanked as children. If they say yes, he asks for details.

Something about this set off a trigger in me, and I was really pissed off. I had to think about it for a while and determine what was bothering me, but now I think I have it.

Please don't misunderstand me. I understand that it's a fairly normal course of conversation among spankos, especially in the getting-to-know-you phase, to ask about childhood spanking experiences -- were you or weren't you, was it often or just occasionally, etc. I don't have a problem with that.

However, I've noticed that some don't stop there. Over the years, I have had many men ask me (yes, it's always men, in my case) for extreme details. How old was I? Was it my mother or my father? Was it OTK? Was it bare bottom or over my panties? How long did it last? Did I cry? (No, I laughed, stupid.) And I became aware of what these questions meant: The person posing them was eroticizing the spanking of a child. They were getting off on my details.

And that, y'all, is what creeps me out.

I'm sorry. I know we're supposed to be tolerant and accepting and open-minded and all that crap. Fuck that. Adult consensual spanking is one thing. But making wank fodder out of the non-consensual, non-sexual spanking of a child is GROSS!!!

I realize that for people of my generation, all we had growing up, regarding spanking, was the tales of our peers and the spankings in children's books/comics. But nowadays, with all kinds of information at our fingertips, there is no need for the over-fascination on the spanking of children. It's icky.

I have shot for many spanking video companies. If any of the producers had tried to query me at length about what did or didn't happen to me as a child, I would have said, "I am into adult consensual spanking. Any spanking I received as a child was non-consensual; therefore, they are two different subjects, and the latter isn't open for discussion." I'm sure the new young models are far too intimidated to speak up and say this, even if the subject makes them uncomfortable. Which is what pisses me off even more.

SS issued a challenge to this producer, requesting that he stop asking this question to his new models. I second it. Keep kid stuff out of adult spanking.

And while I'm on a tear...

Recently I wrote my opinion that the L.A. spanking scene is lacking, and that I don't think a BDSM dungeon is a good place for a spanking party. I stand by that; I don't believe the energy is right. Like it or not, there are big differences in the atmosphere of a spanking party vs. a BDSM party. But I digress -- I'm not going to argue this point yet again. Anyway, it seems someone took exception to my expressed opinion, and in a roundabout way, not naming me (but it was quite obvious who was being discussed), implied that I was "disingenuous."

According to Merriam Webster, "disingenuous" means, "insincere; lacking in candor or frankness."

Interesting. I can be many things, it's true. Snarky, opinionated, sarcastic, prickly. Moody, cranky, sharp-tongued. But insincere is not one of them. I don't say things I don't mean, and I have been told I often have the candor to voice the things that others are thinking. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know I rub some people the wrong way. But at least I am honest. What you see is what you get, with me. Some love it, some hate it. But it's real.

So, really. If you're going to insult someone, at least use the proper terminology. :-)

And now, I'm going to attempt to focus on my work; thank goodness I have some. Goddammit, I need a spanking.


  1. Erica, I used to have tops asking me that all the time. Most of the time, it was the "Did you ever get away with anything as a kid that you were never punished for?" I think in this case, it more a case of someone wanting to punish me for something. And I never play that game, ever. I've also had men message me asking about spankings I received as a child. One idiot asked me if I was ever paddled at school and I replied "Of course, I was. Wasn't everyone?" And he asked if it had been bare bottom. Yeah, sure, buddy they were allowed to do that. I knew right there it was wank fodder. Whenever I hear about someone relaying a school story saying how they were made to strip for the teacher, I know right there that it's total fantasy.

    Of course, we all look back on childhood mischief and have a good laugh over it and even laugh about the spanking we got. But we certainly don't eroticize it. I don't remember ever once say "Oh, I got sooooo wet when my dad used his belt on me!" To me, that kind of stuff is sick. Sorry to sound intolerant, but I'm with you on that one.

  2. Cheryl -- I count my lucky stars that at least I don't have to deal with questions about school corporal punishment. In the schools I went to as a kid, it wasn't allowed!

  3. This is a really difficult topic for me, because, if I am honest, my sexuality largely revolves around fetishizing (is that a word?) childhood spankings. I debated even saying so here in so many words, because I'm somewhat ashamed of that fact as someone thoroughly disgusted by actual child abuse, hitting or otherwise, but I can't change it. I didn't choose to grow up surrounded by spankings, but that's how my childhood was. As a spanko, who was also very sheltered from "the world" and information about sex, all I had to fantasize about were the spankings I witnessed and was subjected to, although I would say that it didn't turn me on when my parents actually spanked me, but the idea of a spanking or hearing one or being threatened etc. always did. So here I am all grown up, and I guess it isn't that shocking from a psychology standpoint that those things still excite me. Even if I am also disgusted and horrified and all of that about a situation, if I hear or hear of a kid getting spanked it probably excites me on some level because I went back to that place in me where my fetish took root and those scenes were my earliest exposure to spanking so they are most powerful for me. On a logical level I know that is awful, but again, I really can't help it. I really wish that child weren't being spanked, and that there were something I could do about it, but the excitement comes from remembering being that little and imaging myself as the one being spanked. I suspect that many who push for "wank fodder" asking about childhood spankings or who buy those interview videos are not really interested in doing anything to children, but are coming from a similar place where those stories just really do it for them. I can't deny that it's squicky, just saying it may not come from a place of malicious intent. It's very easy for me to see why a producer would do videos like this, as I imagine they make a lot of money. I was actually once asked to do one by someone else and declined. Even though I get it, it still makes me uncomfortable. It's a really difficult ethical area to navigate, at least for me. I wish a husband/wife scene or any other adult-based scene excited me the way a Daddy/daughter or other one where I imagine myself as a child does, it just doesn't. It still excites me, but not on the same level.

  4. That should have been *imagining. Also, sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I didn't realize how long that was going to be. Also also, sorry about Steve and I hope you get spanked soon! :-)

  5. Lily -- thank you for your honesty. Yours is a perspective I didn't consider, and I certainly don't judge anything about you.

    Here's the difference, for me. Your fetish has its roots in childhood and you admit that; I know you're not alone in that. But you don't push that aspect onto others, asking invasive questions, wanting them to expose their private experiences for public titillation. You are allowed to fetishize (if that isn't a word, it should be) whatever works for you. It's the others who ask all the personal questions of strangers (or of models trying hard to make a buck and at the mercy of whatever the producers want) that skeeve me.

    I come from a very different place when it comes to this kid stuff, obviously. Although I was slapped regularly, I only remember one full-on OTK spanking, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I felt betrayed and humiliated, and I remember wishing I could simply disappear into thin air. So being questioned about that, in order to give someone a thrill, feels like a violation to me. For me, it's a turn-on at a child's distress and pain.

    Ugh. This stuff is so damned complicated, isn't it?

  6. Oh poor Steve, I bet his legs feel like they were pummeled with a frat paddle, or baseball bat! That kind of pain is only pleasant when it's concentrated on the bum cheeks.

    As for shared spanking recollections, I've told my favorite tops about how heinous I acted growing up. Some were as rotten as myself, others were spanked due to very stern upbringings. None of us could recall getting physically aroused when those situations occurred.
    I actually despise the "cartoon" pics which some people use as avatars displaying minors in some spanking pose-especially when they're bare bottomed. YUCK!

  7. Kelly -- I don't like those either. Littles roleplay is one thing, but those cartoons depict real children.

  8. Hi Erica -- Poor Steve :-( I hope he feels better soon.I totally agree with you about childhood spankings, It is very sick and GROSS for someone to get off on them.They are very much different than adult consensual spankings .I am with you because I know I need a spanking too LOL :-) Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  9. In describing yourself, you forgot one word. Class

  10. Anonymous -- thank you. I needed that today. ♥

  11. Congratulations to Steve. I know what DOMS feels like after a marathon. Yes. It is a common term in running and I experience it after every race.

    I attended private schools that encouraged corporal punishment. Now, I am totally against it. I saw too much abuse by adults.

    I have never been involved in a scene involving child play and I would say red if someone wanted me to play a child role.


    1. Very well said Erica... and again said with class as you are...

  12. joey -- I'm happy for him. He really wanted to finish this, and he did.

    Anonymous -- thank you. :-)

  13. I'm glad my post got you thinking? all fired up? glad you agreed with me? None of those sound right. I wondered, in retrospect, about writing that part of the post. Would have been simpler to just stick with the part about the judge who was videotaped taking a belt to his daughter losing his primary. Who am I to tell someone how to run their business? I hadn't considered the perspective of those like Lily, either. But all those punishment profiles over the years- that question has always bugged me. Glad at least to know that I'm not alone in that.
    Hope you get spanked soon! ;-)

  14. SS -- all three, I think! It definitely motivated me to post about the subject. :-)

  15. What a great tagline, even though you left me without an opening wisecrack!

    And you're right, Erica, there is spanking and then there is spanking. I got some as a kid, gave a very small number as a dad; but the ones I've given as a lover and husband are a very different sort, and there have been a whole lot more of those.

    I've had this discussion with others. The first time you realize spanking is a trigger would be from something you encounter in childhood, and the emotion of that epiphany will linger around the particular event. So seeing a bear bottom spanking, with real bears, in a nursery rhyme book might make you grin, but wanting to actually take the party to Yellowstone Park or the zoo is a bit awry.

    An adult couple putting on a Bear Suit and a Goldilocks dress is different. In fact, that's a video.

  16. Dave -- yes, and it's probably been done! :-)

  17. Hi Erica,

    One of the few times I logged on to Spankolife someone started a chat with me. He asked if I had been spanked as a child. Next, he had a laundry list of questions about the details. I logged off pronto, without so much as a good-bye.


  18. I agree with Anonymous: You have class!

    How is Steve and John doing? Both of them tired out. I am happy for Steve being able to finish his run. Quite an accomplishment.

    On the subject matter, it never occurred to me that is what others are doing. Thank you for posting this. It alerted me to this and I know to watch out for it now.

    There are so many nuances in TTWD and no one really knows the whys and wherefores. We all have slightly different takes on our fetish and yet we can relate to some degree. There are some fetishes that gross me out and using childhood experiences just to wank off is one of them.

  19. Hermione -- yeah, that. That's exactly what I was talking about.

    Bobbie Jo -- Steve will recover and be just fine, I'm thinking. I hope no hidden damage surfaces. As for John... well, you know how he is. That's ongoing. :-(

  20. Erica, congratulations on Steve, being a long distance runner, and completing the Los Angeles marathon. Believe me that is quite an accomplishment, and you can be proud of him. By the way, do you remember how long your longest spanking lasted. And would you consider it marathon length. XXX Luv ya.

  21. Six -- I couldn't say, really. I tend to lose track of time.

  22. Erica,

    The posting is almost over taken with the responses and the reason why your blog is just the best.....thank you for the sanity and wonderful view.

  23. I am glad you posted about this and that SS started this topic. Erica you have stated all this more eloquently than I, but just thought I would share some of my additional thoughts.

    I have never understand why these questions are necessary.

    From the point of view of genuine curiosity in order to attempt to rationalize as to why we enjoy spanking (either from the receiving or giving end) that I understand. I am sure we all have at some point tried to make the connection to our childhood as to why we have this preference; "If others who share our interests also had childhood experiences than perhaps it all makes sense… " or not. However, as you stated, the point where someone starts asking for details, then it crosses the line!

    From a guy's point of view, if I tell someone I am into spanking; that is challenging in of itself. Why?
    Because there are negative stereotypes out there.
    "Oh, you like spanking. You mut be into abusing people; people who can't defend themselves..."
    Who adds to these negative stereotypes? Manipulative sick bastards who want to take advantage of others and of situations hiding behind the veil of a fetish. I have seen it in guys who ask these questions, to others in the scene who seriously are out just to abuse women to other guys out for a sick thrill. These are the things that lead to a bad reputation and total misunderstanding of anyone with a fetish.

    These questions are dangerous and only point to one bad direction in my book. That is why I personally steer clear of anything that can be misconstrued. As bad as these questions are in a similar way are certain illustrations. I hate surfing through Tumblers only to see certain illustrations and pictures that just hang on that border. Images that seem to be purposely slipped in. It just makes me wonder.

    It is all very frustrating and I am not being very clear unfortunately. I have not seen the video interviews that SS is talking about in particular, but from the sounds of it, if they are anything more than surface questions; there is no need for them. I agree with SS challenge that these interviews should be stopped.

  24. Enzo -- I think you're plenty clear. I do understand the frustration and the sense of something not being quite right. It's a very fine line.

    Maybe I dislike the childhood questions and connections because, unlike many others, I don't have the curiosity about where this comes from. I don't CARE. I don't need to explain it; I denied it for way too many years and now it's all about simply enjoying it. But I realize that others have that need. Like I said, I'm OK with the discussion of the kid stuff. Just not the exploitation of it.