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Sunday, March 30, 2014

OK, the @#$%ing TP commercials have gone too far

Some of my long-time readers might remember a rant I posted in 2009, about how much I freaking hate the Charmin toilet paper commercials with those damn stupid bears. Well, consider this Part 2. Or Number 2, if you like.

First, the bears are still around, and their ads have gotten even more disgusting. Now we have Mama Bear, going through the laundry and horrified because she discovered a little extra something on Junior Bear's tighty-whities. EWWW! Gross! Of course, the answer to this problem is not teaching the little @#$% to have better hygiene, but to use Charmin toilet paper. And they even have a new slogan: "We all go -- why not enjoy the go?" Oh, please. It's a bowel movement, not a vacation on the Riviera.

But wait. It wasn't bad enough to have animated bears advertising the joys of absorbent toilet tissue. Now we have a perky blond Brit named Cherry Healey, running around annoying people everywhere, talking about Cottonelle wipes. Her slogan? "Let's talk about your bum."

She appears in various places, such as an outdoor marathon, chatting up strangers about the state of their bums, and bluntly suggesting that they could be cleaner. It's... disconcerting, to say the least.

But last night was the kicker. John and I were watching TV and one of those Cottonelle ads came on. This time, our Cherry was in a bowling alley, of all places, chatting with a bunch of good ol' boys in bowling shirts about how squeaky clean their bums could be with Cottonelle wet wipes. And then -- wait for it -- she stood at an empty lane and uttered the line:

"I insist on a clean alley every time!"

We turned to each other, wide-eyed. No. She did NOT just say that on national television.

For Christ's sake. I understand that some people do seem to have a hygiene problem. I've heard a lot (on Fetlife, and other kink venues), about some pretty gross stuff that tops encounter when they unclothe their bottoms. Really?? We don't live in a third world country, folks. We have more than enough access to water and soap. There is no excuse for that. Have some compassion for those with bottom fetishes and present a clean one.

But do I need to hear about this while I'm trying to enjoy The Big Bang Theory? Must it invade my living room? I happen to observe proper hygiene, thank you very much. I don't need blue bears and chipper Brits lecturing me about it. 

I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes I wish ads would return to the good old days when they used euphemisms like "bathroom tissue" and no one talked about the state of your back alley.

Oh, but wait. It gets worse.

Flipping through a magazine the other day, I encountered this woman's idiotic face, maniacally grinning at God's knows what.

What is the Butterfly, you might wonder. I Googled it, and nearly croaked.

It's a new, um, personal liner. But, unlike other sanitary liners, this one goes between your butt cheeks. It's the discreet new product for ABL.


Accidental Bowel Leakage.

I read further. Apparently, this is a thing. One out of every five women over 40 suffers from it, for various reasons. And I guaran-damn-tee that not one of them is happily beaming like Renee, above, no matter what kind of damn pad they've discovered.

You know what, kids? Do me a favor. I've talked many times about how getting old blows, but this is the last straw. If I ever develop anything like this, don't bring me a box of Butterfly pads. Bring me a bottle of sleeping pills. And after I've gone to sleep, just to make sure, take a gun and shoot me in the head.

I don't want to read about this stuff. I don't want to see it on TV. I don't care how cute you make it look. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Me, cranky? Maybe a little. My bum needs a different type of attention.


  1. there's still people out there that watch....national tv??....that is sooo cool!..i feel so young!....ABL is still years away!...

  2. Henk -- har har! Yes, us oldsters still watch TV. And I don't have TiVo, so I'm still stuck watching the damn commercials. Most of the time, I don't mind.

    1. It's obvious to me that all that bacon flavored ice cream is causing this ABL epidemic!....and those commercials are beyond stupid!....i saw one where an ex pro football player pitched "invisible" diapers for men who have a "dribble' problem .....really??

  3. Are you suggesting that both of these women's bums deserve the kind of treatment you prefer for your bum?

  4. Hi Erica,

    Yeah, I've seen the bears with bits of TP stuck to their butts and wondered how that related to people's butts, which aren't usually covered with fur. I've seen the chirpy Brit's face in a magazine ad. Luckily, I rarely watch the big three networks, and fast forward the PVR through ads anyway, so I have been spared.

    I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than a butterfly pad between my cheeks. Do you have to constantly be on guard in case the darn thing slips out and flutters away?


  5. Thanks for starting my week off with a gut busting laugh!!! No worries about ABL here!!! Although I do agree with you just take me out and shoot me!

  6. Funny. The little boy in me is scouring for bad bowling puns :) I'll take your back alley and raise you a ball return on the split or something equally stoopid. Guess I should get my head out of the gutter.

  7. Anonymous -- well, certainly the Brit. The Butterfly lady... erm, not so much.

    Hermione -- I don't think it can fly away. Its wings are adhesive. (shudder)

    Unknown -- I genuinely feel sorry for anyone who suffers from this. But yeah, I'd rather shuffle off the mortal coil once my body starts rebelling to that degree.

    Anonymous -- spare me. ;-)

  8. I agree. It would be much better, and more useful, to have YOUR preferred bum attention on national TV. ;-)

  9. MrJ -- well, I'm hoping people wouldn't find it quite as gross. :-)

  10. Each and every one of those commercials is FOUL!
    Seeing "baby" bear with pieces of tp stuck to its butt make FDS and Summers Eve commercials seem like romantic interludes. :)

  11. Kelly -- you know, I haven't seen any of those "feminine spray" commercials for a long time, or a douche commercial. I think Madison Avenue finally caught on that those products are bad for you!

  12. Yeah, the Charmin TP commercials are fairly idiotic. One other thing about TP is I am in the transportation business and for a customer a long time ago, we would move hundreds of truckloads of TP and what was so amazing was that people at the customer would freak out, I MEAN FING FREAK OUT, if a truck of TP was late somewhere. REALLY folks? you are getting your bloodpressure real high for TP? Ya think someone isn't going to have something to wipe with? Those people need a spanking, for sure.

  13. Baxter -- it's been my experience that people will freak out over pretty much anything.

  14. Really.... the BUTTerfly?! Glad it's white and doesn't come in "shart"reuse.

    Feeling all wiped out,

  15. SC -- (groan) Yeah, I'll bet you're pooped. :-Þ

  16. Well, not having a TV attached to some form of viewing connection, I haven't seen these commercials. Fortunately! I am having a hard time with that bear commercial where they talk about squeezing a watermelon. You don't squeeze a watermelon for crying out loud! Watermelons shouldn't be soft! GAK!

    Where have I seen that commercial? Why, in Carmel, of course. ;-)

  17. Bobbie Jo -- oh, brother. :-) Well, count your blessings that you don't have to see the Care Bears commercials. They are nauseating.

  18. Great post, agree with your thoughts, and yes bears wiping themselves, ugh.

  19. Ron -- yes, of course, because we all know there is toilet paper out in the wild. (rolling eyes)

  20. Hi Erica -- I agree that the toilet paper commercials are gross and nauseating LOL certain things are personal and they should be left that way.I never heard of a butterfly pad before LMAO :-) Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  21. Jade -- I wish I hadn't heard of it!