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Friday, June 1, 2012

Phoning it in

I feel like I need to write something today, but my brain is not engaged. My body is going through the motions of the day, while my mind protectively shrouds itself in numbness. But for the purposes of continuity, I will wind myself up and attempt to corral some thoughts.

For those who have been so supportive about the recruitment test: I took and submitted Part 2 on Wednesday, and have not heard back as of yet. I don't have a good feeling about this, but perhaps I'm just impatient. I dropped them an email today, politely expressing curiosity about my test. Now I wait, and hope.

I spent nearly $1600 on my car yesterday. My mechanic said he'd work with me, take it in installments, whatever I needed. What's the point of that? Postponing payment doesn't lessen it. He kept asking what he could do for me, and I had to resist the urge to say, "Oh, I dunno... don't charge so damn much?" So I wrote a check for the entire bill from an emergency account that isn't going to last through too many more emergencies. But for the time being, I have it.

John and I are going down to see my mother and stepfather tomorrow. My mother is now fully unresponsive, doesn't even open her eyes. They have put her on oxygen because she can barely breathe, and she's under 24-hour surveillance. Aside from an occasional squirt of water between her lips with a syringe, she is taking no food or liquid. It will be very soon now. I will say my final goodbye, even though I feel like I've already done so. I'm going more as support for my stepdad, honestly. He's been there every single day, sitting with her for hours. He is a good man, and I want to see him while I can. I have a feeling he has been staying alive for my mother's sake.

I got Chrossed today. I have to laugh at how much that cheers me. Just a simple acknowledgment of a fun night that now feels like it was weeks ago.

I am not alone. John will be with me. ST will come see me Monday. I have friends. I feel great comfort in that. I will keep moving forward and doing what needs doing. I always do.

When I am able, I plan to blog about bratting, and about the insistence by many that all spankos need to switch at some point. These should be fun, controversial, outspoken and will no doubt piss some people off. Can't wait. :-)

Have a great weekend, y'all. Thanks for being here.


  1. That was very kind of your mechanic - after all it's basic economics that money paid now is worth more than money paid later ;-)

    Actually, I rather like an anecdote related in Niven & Pournelle's The Mote in God's Eye about the virtues of procrastination: a man put off execution of a death sentence by offering to teach the King's horse to sing; when his friends asked why, he said "A lot may happen in a year: I may die, the King may die, and who knows? Maybe the horse will learn to sing."

  2. Al -- cute story. :-) I dunno... I hate debt. I hate knowing I owe anyone money. I know that charging everything is the American way, but I don't know how people sleep at night with debts hanging over their heads. I'd rather get it over with, rip off the band-aid, pay the bill.

  3. Hi Erica -- CONGRAT'S on being chrossed :-)I think you passed the test i have faith in you.HOLY CRAP!that's alot of money for having your car serviced :-( I agree they shouldn't charge so damn much.Reading about your mom is very sad it brought tear's to my eye's :-( there are just no word's except it's TERRIBLE to lose someone that you Love,I lost my Grandfather and uncle and that hurt like hell :-( I wish death never existed,cause it's scary and too painful to go through.I am here for you alway's my dear friend, You will be in my thought's tomorrow,your alway's in my thought's anyway.Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

  4. Jade -- there has to be death, honey. It's part of the cycle of things. But yes, it's scary, and very painful for those of us left behind. Thank you for being your sweet self.

  5. Dear Erica,

    So sorry about your mum. I do understand fully about these kind of situations, and no, you are not being selfish to think the kind of thoughts that you do.

    I hope that the time you spend with John over the weekend helps mitigate some of the more extreme emotional reactions. All my best,


  6. Dana/A. -- thank you, dear. John will be a big help. He makes me laugh, no matter what is going on, and that is HUGE.

  7. You and your mother are and will continue to be in my thoughts, Erica. I'm glad John will be there with you. Hugs and best wishes.

  8. Erica,

    Congrats on getting Chrossed! It also makes my day when that happens! Just know, that all us fans love reading your blog, whether it's about spanking or a glimpse into your life. I'm sorry to hear about your car... what a bummer. I hope the $1600 investment now leads to a long and happy life for your car.


  9. Congrats on the Chross! For the rest we'll keep the best thought we can, and you'll get through. Ever onward.

    Bratting and switching -- is there anything more fun to rant about? Oh yeah, there are a few things. Maybe you'll throw them in too. Can't wait.


  10. Sorry to hear about your mom Erica. I wish you the best.

  11. Congratulations on your Chrossing. I'm glad he helped to cheer you up. Hang in there.


  12. Congrats! You should get Chrossed every week, I think. I look forward to the bratting post, too.

  13. Having a great support system does wonders for mental well being. I'm willing to bet you passed that test and I look forward to your upcoming controversies! :)

  14. I thought about you all day today wondering how it went with your visit. I admire you for all that you've done.

    Congrats on getting Chrossed!

    I wish you joy, Erica.


  15. Congrats on getting Chrossed!

    I hope everything goes well with visiting your mother. *Hugs*

  16. To Everyone: Thank you for your comments. My mother has passed away, and I have said goodbye to her in another post. Love you all.

  17. Condolescences on your loss of your mother. You brought her lovingly into all our lives. Thank you.