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Sunday, January 16, 2011

The phrases that soothe

Much has been written about spanking "buzz phrases" by many, including myself. We all know about those words and phrases that electrify, that stop us dead in our tracks, set our hearts pounding and our stomachs lurching...the scolding, the threats, the warnings and promises.

I was thinking about this -- words before and during the spanking are well covered. But I can't recall if anyone has written about what we bottoms like to hear afterward.

Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about aftercare. It is essential; as important a component of a good spanking scene as technique, chemistry, implement selection or anything else. Of course, aftercare means different things to different players. For some, it's sexual, which is lovely. Because I tend to be a hard player and immerse myself emotionally in a scene, my particular preference in aftercare is tenderness. My hard outer shell has been cracked off and my vulnerability exposed. The treatment I receive, in those minutes right after the spanking concludes, contains tremendous power. It can either put me back together again or crush me.

Being held and caressed, tenderly soothed, doesn't just feel good physically, it's reassuring emotionally. It makes us feel loved and forgiven. We took what we were given and we took it well. It's time for kindness.

What do you like to hear your top say during this time?

Perhaps some prefer silence, and that's OK too. I like that as well. But I do love to hear my top's voice. Quiet, kind, his words stilling my turmoil.

It doesn't have to be much; in fact, my mind is mush for a while and cannot absorb anything detailed. If I'm crying, shaking, breathing rapidly, my fists clenching and unclenching as I ride waves of emotion and pain, then something as simple as a sweetly whispered "shhhhhhhh..." will do it.

"Good girl" is always welcome. "It's OK." "It's over now." "That's my girl." Such simple words, and so invaluable.

When Danny and I were play partners, a favorite thing of his to say to me afterward was, "Is my sweet Erica back now?"

"Yes," I'd murmur, unable to look at him. I can never look up, at first. I keep my face buried.

"Good, because I love her very much," he'd reply. I could be wickedly prickly, bitchy, sarcastic and sharp-tongued, but after he took me to task, I was forgiven. And I was always loved.

Craig always called me "baby." That word, in the wrong context, can be unbearably condescending. But the way he said it, at just the right time, made me feel protected and warm, much like the fur blanket he wrapped around me those cold nights at the Lair.

New Guy's aftercare? As sweet as he is, which is very, very sweet indeed. :-)

When I hand myself over to a top, I am giving him my trust. I am, with my actions, saying, "You can inflict pain on me, and I will take it willingly. I am brave for you, because I know I am safe in your hands." Afterward, when I'm spent, throbbing and feeling laid bare, one of the most touching, loving phrases for me is "I'm so proud of you."

Yes. Thank you. I like it when I've made you proud. Hearing that, and feeling a gentle kiss on my hair, my face, a comforting hand... those are the moments where the world could end and I'd exit blissfully.

Fellow bottoms -- does this resonate? What are your beloved aftercare phrases?


  1. This makes perfect sense to me. Dev holds me and tells me that everything is all right, that I am forgiven, he calls me "little girl" which I love and like you with "baby", is for a specific man and place. He lets me curl up tight into his arms. He tells me that I am all right, that I am a good girl. I loved thinking about this, thank you.

  2. This time is so very special and when Todd holds me tightly, not hard, but firmly.. calming me.. he strokes my hair.. my head is usually buried in either his chest or a pillow I've sobbed into... and he says gently "I know you needed this ... you're gonna be ok now... you know I love you" and it feels like the world gets a little bit better when I hear these things.. oh and then LOTS of aftercare on my bottom is imperative :)

  3. Poppy -- funny about "little girl"... that too has a special place in my heart, even though it would be squicky in the wrong circumstance. Glad I could make you think of lovely things. :-)

    Suzy -- don't you wish you could bottle the bliss of those moments?

  4. This just gave me goosebumps reading about how each and every play partner has their own 'buzz words' that they use with you.. depending upon your relationship with them, and what resonates between the two of you.

    I'm a huge proponent of aftercare.. in both physical and mental forms. We can spend hours being spanked, teased, cuffed, (or hands held behind us), pushed, lectured and pleasured, and this is just bound to take a toll on your mind and your body.

    I like aftercare before, during, and after. During a scene there are times when I need to be reassured, a chance to rest, have a drink of water and I love when my Top will 'check in". Aftercare for me.. is especially important in heavier or longer scenes, or scenes that are wrought with emotional issues - like a big azz lecture on something I've done that's detrimental to my well being or business.

    Physical comforts like hugs, cuddling, and just being near one other, (curled up with my head on his lap while he talks to me (analyzing and discussing reactions so he doesn't misinterpret what he saw).. stroking my arm.. or my hair, telling me how brave I was, and him letting me know I'm okay. I also love it when he will apply lotions or creams to my welts .. as that's just so comforting - and it's very bonding, as it shows he's taken the effort to keep those welts and 'color' properly cared for.

    I just need him to be there long enough for me to unwind enough to trust that I've got all my motor skills and emotions under control. It also big time important to me.. that the aftercare extends beyond those immediate moments after our scene. Like the next day.. I'm always anxious to talk about what was experienced and get their feelings on what happened, and there are times I've felt abandoned and cheated if they don't get to do this. I think a good Top/Dom.. that takes on the responsibility to scene with a bottom or a sub.. needs to understand that the responsibility should extend well beyond that moment, and here's hoping he's open to discussing it days after the scene.

    (sorry for the length) .. I'm just as passionate about aftercare as I am the scene).. this subject could go on for days.. especially if you understand that YOUR TOP needs aftercare TOO! (smiles)

  5. I love the post spanking hugs, when my top applies lotion to my bottom and the reassurance I did great pushing my limits.I also enjoy exchanging misc. vanilla details with each other.

  6. Absolutely on target. Thank you.

  7. The one I remember that you always respond well to is, "I'm very proud of you. You took that very well!" after we had a very hard/harsh scene.

  8. Zelle -- no apologies necessary; all good points. And yes, tops need aftercare too, in their way... they need to know that they did a fantastic job and you are so very happy you took the plunge and put yourself in their hands.

    Kelly -- post-spanking chat is very cozy indeed.

    Burl -- thanks!

    Craig -- I do. It's sweet to hear. :-)

  9. Hello my Erica thank you for writing about this topic :-) aftercare is VERY important to the spankee and the top, i have had some tough scenes where i had welts and bruises on my bum and it was very reassuring to hear i am proud of you and that i took it well and the hugs made me feel that i was forgiven :-) sometimes depending on how i am feeling i can be VERY emotional and the pain from the spanking differs each time either it hurts too much or not enough, one of the things that was said to me was that now i am a good girl instead of a naughty girl :-) LOL and HUGS to you my VERY special friend xoxo from your naughty girl Jade

  10. Jade -- reassurance is important. We all need to be treated with care and kindness. :-)

  11. Aftercare is essential to the spanking experience for me. Personally, I have to watch myself, as I get so relaxed and vulnerable after a lot of spanking, and experiencing an afterglow high. I've walked into walls. I definitely like to be held and cuddled for a while. Having lotion applied to my bottom is also delicious.

  12. Dana -- walking into walls, tables and dressers is a fairly regular occurrence for me. ;-) Can't blame it on afterglow, either.

  13. While in his arms after a spanking, I love to hear something as simple as, "That's my girl." Emphasis on "my". It just makes me feel all warm and protected.

    Great post, Erica!

  14. pink -- isn't it amazing how that little word "my" can make anything special? :-)

  15. Aw, Erica, I love when you re-affirm my greatness by mentioning me in your blog. I miss you and Count Poodlehead and chocolate.

  16. Danny -- and you re-affirm your big fat head with these comments. :-) Oh, I miss you too. Dark Shadows has never been quite the same.

  17. Hi, Erica :) I set this aside to comment on, and somehow didn't manage to get back to it until today.

    I love the snuggling and cuddling and physical closeness afterward (except I think I'm the one woman in the world who HATES lotion), but those words are just as important if not more so.

    I love to hear the phrase "good girl" or to be told that I took it well, even if I really didn't ;) And I do like to hear what it was like from his point of view too.

  18. Em -- you're definitely not the only one who doesn't like lotion afterward. Eve Howard of Shadow Lane thinks it's squicky and somewhat infantile.

    I too like hearing the top's point of view and feelings on how the scene went.

  19. My favorite thing to hear after a spanking is "I gotcha, baby girl". It feels good to be reassured that you're not alone when you're feeling vulnerable.