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Friday, January 30, 2015


No, this isn't going to be a discussion about Darwin vs. creationism.

Recently on the often-mentioned and the often-inflammatory FetLife, there was a discussion about how we, as individuals in the spanking community/scene/whatever you want to call it, have evolved. How have our tastes changed? Have our preferences broadened? Do we stick to spanking "purism" (more traditional OTK, traditional implements like hairbrushes, spanking on the bottom only), or have we branched out to include more BDSM-esque elements? Since life is always in a state of flux and change, should our kinks not be also?

I know the original poster well, and love him dearly. I know he didn't mean to imply what some others, including me, inferred: That if one has preferences that don't change and expand, then one is "unevolved."

The thread blew up into a flame war, because a couple of people took exception and got very defensive. Me, I stayed out of it for a long time, because I was feeling a little hurt and my mood was oversensitive anyway, so I knew I shouldn't post in that mind frame. But it did get me thinking about where I've been in the past nearly 19 years, and where I am now. 

After the furor had died down, I did post to that thread. Here is what I wrote:

I entered the scene in 1996 as an M/F bottom. Nearly 19 years later, I'm still an M/F bottom. 
accept all orientations, but only one floats my personal boat.
I never saw anything wrong with the term "spanko purist." But I guess I'll stop using it. People don't seem to like it.
I'd still rather go to a spanking party than a dungeon. I have been to the latter many times, been to BDSM parties, experienced pretty much every type of implement known to scenehood, but my favorite is still old-fashioned OTK.
I like the occasional thigh turkey. I enjoy a good overall back/bottom/legs flogging. But overall,I prefer all the impact to be on my bottom/uppermost upper thighs.
I still see the BDSM and spanking communities as separate entities. Not better, not worse, not superior/inferior, but definitely different.
I guess I am unevolved. :-(

So there it is. Yes, I've experienced kink from all across the spectrum over the years. I've played with all types of partners (although admittedly, they've always been male). My orientation hasn't changed one iota. I still think that "spankos" are a separate entity in the overall scheme of kinky play.

Am I unevolved? Narrow-minded? Or is it simply that I've been around this stuff for a long time, have experimented, and now know what I like, what works for me, and what doesn't?

After some of the flaming happened, the original poster amended "evolve" to "change." That's much better, I think. But still, the question remained. Are we expected to change and expand, as we progress in our scene experience? Or is it OK to like what you like and stick with it? I don't want to be left behind in a scene that I love, but I want to remain true to my desires as well. 

I realize that my readers span the range of newbies to veterans. And when you're new, everything is open for experimentation. But for those who have been doing this for a while, did your preferences change? Did you find yourselves doing things that you had originally said you'd never do? Did you find yourselves liking things you didn't used to like? Did you ever do things you didn't want to, because you thought you should experience them?

It's all part of my questioning my place in the scene these days, and where I want to go from here. Who I am, and why. About finding the balance between openness to the new and being true to one's established self.

Please understand one thing: this is not about judging other preferences. This is not, not, NOT about saying what's right and what's wrong with the spanking scene, so please don't go there. This is about self-discovery and our own personal journeys.

I definitely changed my tune in one huge area: My very first spanking ad, the one from which I met John, read: "No implements, just a firm hand." HAH! OK, so I guess I evolved there. ;-)

Seriously, though... I don't want to think of it as evolving. Because there is an inherent judgment in that. My mother used to say something along the lines of how if you don't keep growing, you stagnate. But I think there's something in between that. I think there is a place of comfortable stasis.

What do you guys think? How have your tastes/orientations/preferences changed over your time being involved with spanking?

Have a great weekend, y'all.


  1. 11 years ago I was at a fetish party, and this Dom wanted to play, so I agreed because I had friends with me. There was a St. Andrew's Cross on the patio of the bar, so we went out there, and he cuffed me to it. He wanted to do some other things besides spanking me, and I figured what the hell. He did some breast bondage and used the crop on them, which was okay, but it didn't do a damn thing for me. Things got much better when he turned me around and cuffed me so that he could use his paddles and everything on my bottom. It was one of those cases of "I tried it, but meh", so I haven't done it again. I like what I like too, but I like heavy canes and heavier play in general, so even though I'm just into spanking, I'll go to the farther edge of it. I've been cuffed, but not tied up, because I know that being tied up doesn't do anything for me either. Neither do the cuffs. I'll play M/F or F/F no problem.

  2. I'm not a partygoer, but I don't think that makes me less of a spanko. My tastes have stayed pretty stable over a decade or few of obsession :) OTK, on bare bottom, hand, implements sometimes, thighs and anywhere but bottom of relatively low interest and so on.

    Big changes for me were electronic forums, groups, pages, I feel like there were major interest spikes in spanking/BDSM before the current FSOG furor (pre/post "espanking" for example...I didn't know there were others like me!). I guess the "evolution" that I feel least comfortable with is the profusion of harsh, IMO, spanking videos. I hope that new spankos don't see that first and assume it's the "right" or only way to do things. I don't know the right word...maybe not the subtlety that's been lost, but it seems like we have to do everything over the top these days.

  3. I'd say my tastes have expanded a little over the years. (I like "expanded" more than "evolved".) I used to stick mostly with hand spankings and maybe a paddle or light implement from time to time. Now I'm ore open to using a variety of implements, depending on the mood and the partner.

    One line stood out for me in this post, "Are we expected to change and expand, as we progress in our scene experience?" Whose expectations are we talking about? Why would anyone, besides possibly our partner, expect us to do anything? I certainly don't care what the rest of the kinky/spanko comunity thinks about what my partner and I do in our private time. I'm not going to play with people who expect me to do something I'm not comfortable with.

    I guess what I'm getting at is: who cares about what everyone is doing. What matter is what you and your play partners want.

  4. Over the last several years I've been experimental in going beyond my preferred spankee dynamic of F/F. I attended a major spanking party and played with both genders, even switched with a male partner as well as topped another female at a later event. But I really feel I have come full circle where I want to stick with what most works for me by primarily playing with other female spanking partners as a bottom only to them.
    When it comes to implements I've very open minded to receiving any thing which smacks my ass and upper thighs. But I never have and never will agree to getting my calves/feet/hands/back smacked with anything.
    And HELL FUCKING NO to anything anally inserted into me. STRICTLY SPANKING oriented activities for me during any play times.
    I've been agreeable to many spankee positions but would not agree to the diaper position. I can't stand how it looks in pics or videos. I know I'm in the minority for this and that's fine with me. :)

  5. Jen -- I have experimented with various forms of bondage. Combined with spanking, it can be very exciting for me. But I have to be in the right mood for it.

    Anonymous -- I hear you on the "more more more" mentality of late. But I guess there are those for whom part of their kink is pushing the boundaries. And of course not going to parties doesn't make you less of a spanko. It just means you prefer to keep it one-on-one, which many do.

    Anonymous #2 -- who cares, indeed. You're right, it shouldn't matter. But for someone who is very public about my kink and involved somewhat tangentially with a lot of people, it does.

    "Anonymous" -- (please! I know who this is.) :-) I effing HATE the diaper position, whether experiencing it or watching it. It's a hard limit.

  6. At first, I thought I was going to have a lot to say, but as it turns out, I can't articulate any of it into a coherent thought much less type out a sentence. I probably won't be very helpful on this post anyway as I still have a long list of things I haven't tried yet and therefore don't know if any of it falls under progressing from something I didn't think I'd enjoy into something I enjoy all the time, some of the time, or not at all.

  7. Jay -- it's something to think about, and come back to later. You are in your experimental and discovery phase still, I think. You'll be amazed at how quickly the progression happens, though!

  8. As for me, there is a comfortable stasis indeed - yet not one that kills the taste for the new, for experimenting. .

  9. MrJ -- I haven't felt the motivation to do anything new for a while, but that could very well be due to my state of mind recently. Perhaps if the opportunity presented itself, I'd welcome it. Depends on what it is, I guess.

  10. Over the last 25+ years my only real change has been in the intensity of the spankings that seem to satisfy me now, which are still quite mild by what I have seen in FL spanking photos recently. Unlike someone we all know and love, I do NOT have a bionic bottom.

    I saw the FL discussion you referenced and read many of the replies. Perhaps another change for me is that I now will run from intentionally mean-spirited drama and stress. Earlier on, while I didn't care for it, I was more tolerant as I was still in my learning and information-gathering phase and willingly admitted to not knowing exactly what I ultimately wanted. Now I know and it is basically exactly where I started.

    Maybe because I am NOT in the public eye and have a relatively healthy self-image as a retired trial attorney, I am not easily swayed into listening to others judge or somehow look down on my love of spanking only (okay, I have learned to enjoy some restraints and slightly edgier play with someone that I know well and trust).

    So, very little has changed. The biggest change is in my own self-acceptance and knowledge of having found my niche and not needing to widen that niche beyond the basics of simple m/f spanking. The more things change, the more they have stayed the same.


  11. Pam -- very healthy. That last sentence is true for just about everything, isn't it.

  12. First, I don't think there's anything wrong with finding something you like and sticking with it. I say this as someone who's eaten the same lunch for 55 years.

    I also don't think there's anything wrong with trying new things to see if we like them. I say that as someone who tried salmon for the first time at a Shadowlane dinner when in his 50s and discovered it was delicious.

    As to kink, my journey was probably very atypical (if there's any such thing as typical). I started off (as an early teen) extremely hard core. It was all fantasy for me, informed by a wide variety of mainstream culture influences from the playful spankings in John Wayne movies to a gory scene in a novel (involving a riding crop with a steel core that winds up slippery with blood -- it was a novel someone gave my mother and I can't for the life of me figure out what the title was), from flogging scenes in British Navy movies to one line in an old novel about a cabin boy trained at the boot toe of a steward (that led to kicking fantasies), to the testicle-beating scene in the novel (and much later movie) Casino Royale, to (a few years later) de Sade novels and quasi-academic tomes on "The History of Torture" in my college library. I was a self-hating sadist, so it didn't much matter than nine-tenths of what I fantasized about would be totally inappropriate to do with a consensual partner -- I didn't know there was any such thing.

    Gradually over several decades, in steps I can no longer remember (though, considering how important they were to me, it seems like I should remember), I came to realize there were people who did this sort of thing on purpose, but I had no idea how to find them. I also developed more appropriate fantasies for what I'd like to do if I ever did find them (that is, what it would be like to be in a consensual spanking relationship), but they were poorly informed fantasies.

    Then, 16 or so years ago, came the Internet, and I discovered there was a community of kinksters with an entire subculture that was related to but very different from my fantasies. I learned what people actually do in consensual play; learned the differences between spanking and BDSM; attended a fetish and fantasy fair once and a went to a dungeon once; started reading stories, looking at stills, viewing videos, participating in forums, and attending parties. And, obviously, in that process my tastes changed to be oriented toward what is possible, what is available, what my potential partners wanted to do. That's how actual life is, a process of compromise or negotiation between our desires and the desires of others.

    I also discovered that imagining something is far different from doing it, and that I probably wouldn't want to do a lot of the things I fantasize about even if someone was daft enough to let me try.

    So in my case a lot of change was necessary, if I was to fit into the community. Erica, in your case apparently it wasn't; you started out wanting a range of things that are well within the broader range of what spankos do. I needed to "evolve" to fit my environment; you fit yours fine just the way you were. Both are equally okay.

    Michael in Texas

  13. Michael -- thank you for this. That's a very cool story.

    "A process of compromise or negotiation between our desires and the desires of others." Yes. That. And if you're lucky, you find others whose desires run along (basically) the same lines as your own. Sometimes, the compromises/negotiations can introduce something new and wonderful. Other times, they can totally flop.

  14. Hi Erica,

    My answer is yes and no.

    Randy and I have been together since the seventies. In all that time, we've pretty much tried everything that appeals to either of us. Some parts were good and we adopted them into our repertoire. Other activities didn't work and we shelved them.

    Today, we don't really add anything new. It's more a matter of combining old favorites in new ways. We're spankos and bottom whacking will always be the center of our kink. Anything else we do is essentially an add-on.

    We have evolved/changed, I guess, but always within the bounds of our well established values, preferences, and desires.

    BTW, your beach photos are absolutely beautiful!


  15. Bonnie -- thank you! I think when you've been doing it as long as you two are, it's not really necessary to keep trying new stuff. I mean, you've already tried it all, it seems. And if you've reached a niche that makes both of you happy (and you don't go for play with multiple partners, which you don't), then there's no need to fix it if it ain't broke.

  16. I'm pretty set in my ways as to what I will agree/disagree to concerning my spanking scenarios.
    One thing I do enjoy experimenting with is different spanking intensities. I've had many spankings which began over clothing at light to moderate intensities and eventually progressed to harder even to severe force once it was onto bare butt. OTHER times I've been bared almost immediately and the harder spanks either by hand or implement were in motion right away. I enjoy all of those types and with the right tops know those "surprises" will continue for my spanking adventures. :)

  17. Kelly -- there is definitely something to be said for the unexpected. I do like playing with someone who varies things, changes up the tempo and intensity, etc. I don't like knowing exactly what's coming. However, it does have to fall within my realm of limits. I don't like surprises that violate those, you know?

  18. Hi Erica -- I am glad you brought this subject up, GREAT job :-) I am strictly a bottom. My favorite spanking position is OTK :-) I like to get spanked by a female, but I would consider, getting spanked by a male but I would have to trust him.I would like to try new implements :-) I definitely want to be in a spanking video, that would be AWESOME :-) Maybe I changed a little bit but not much. I have a scene name now it's Emily Jean. Much Love and hugs to you always.You are the BEST :-)

  19. Jade -- change is not a bad thing, as long as it's of our choosing, I think. :-)

  20. Erica, in todays NEW YORK TIIMES dated Monday FEB 2nd 2015 there is a two page article on the upcoming movie "50 Shades of Grey, discussing the adult stores getting ready their so called 'toys'. they will sell. One other surprising store is TARGET, which will also make a pitch to sell its 'vibrating love ring''. XXX Luv ya.

  21. Six -- great. Now all the wannabes will be flooding the stores, buying toys they have no idea how to use. I think the ERs should get ready, too.

  22. I'm not sure evolution is the correct word for most people. Perhaps expanded ( I know that sounds funny, but follow me for a minute). Lets agree if we don't keep growing/evolving you become stagnate, but having an open mind is growth as well. Being open to seeing new things and understanding, in this case, why certain people like certain things is growth and expansion of your knowledge. In other terms lets compare it to food tastes and say you had never tried seafood. One day you try salmon and you don't especially care for it but you try shrimp and you love that. Are you not evolved because you don like all seafood? Should you be forced to love all seafood? I think not.

    As far as my own expansion or growth; let's just say I was happy to discover years ago that I am not the only person who likes seafood.

  23. Enzo -- I like your analogy. Not liking a certain food doesn't mean you're unenlightened or narrow-minded; it simply means you don't care for it. (Oh, and I love salmon, shrimp and pretty much every kind of shellfish/seafood. Always have.)

  24. Erica

    Wonderful post, simple for me I am still the OTK and traditional implements but have branched out for fun and is fun, but to bring me back to the place, a long hard OTK spanking works.