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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The frustrations of discretion


Pardon the play on words, but sometimes, this spanky stuff is a pain in the ass.

I am not ashamed of Erica Scott. However, I'm not naive and I'm no fool. I know that, in a great percentage of the population, the Erica Scotts and her fellow kinkoids of this world are considered freaks. And therefore, a degree of discretion and anonymity must be maintained. Out of respect for my family, my friends who have vanilla careers, etc., etc., I have to disassociate from them to a large degree. Names cannot be mentioned, or pertinent details. Because to be associated with me would bring embarrassment to them, and judgment onto me. And no one needs that crap.

But DAMMIT... sometimes, it's so hard keeping quiet. Especially when I'm bursting with excitement and pride over something that is happening with someone who knows and loves Erica [real name], but has no awareness of her alter ego. And I want to keep it that way.

My cousin, the TV producer I've mentioned many times over the years and in my book, has published a bio. I have already read it, since he sent me an advance copy. There's been a lot of buzz about it, and now the buzz is a roar, with interviews and columns and photos. Granted, the millennials don't know who he is, anyway. But still, to many, his name is iconic.

My father is mentioned often in his book; there's even a picture of him. In all the bits and pieces of interviews I've seen so far, my father is in them. So I am doubly proud -- my cousin has had an amazing career, and my father did too. I don't want either of them to be forgotten. I want to do all I can to keep their names and legacies alive.

But I can't. Because if I mention a name just once, it's on the Internet forever, associated with me. The next time someone Googles my cousin, listed in the gazillions of hits will be his mention in a "porn star's blog."

I suppose if I really wanted to, I could build a whole other online presence, with my real name, no pictures of me, and write about my family. But 1. I really don't have the time for that, and 2. who would read it? No one knows who Erica [real name] is. And I don't want the two entities to combine, even in a slight blur. 

I need to mention, yet again, my admiration for writer Jillian Keenan. Because not only did she come out as a spanko online, she did so with her real name, and in an article not for a kinky blog or site or whatever, but for the freaking New York Times. That is bravery. That is conviction. And she's had to deal with a whole lot of backlash over it, too. Her husband was outed in the process and that was very supportive of him as well to be OK with that. I cannot do that. 

So I share things with friends, privately. I tamp down my desires to share details. I don't post the picture of my cousin and me taken two years ago, after my mother passed away and he and I got together. I hint at things, I give sly odds and ends. But never names. Never identifiers.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a belated birthday lunch with my stepmother -- yet another person whose presence I wish I could proudly broadcast. But alas, she must remain anonymous too.

There are costs for everything. I am living my life, for the most part, true to myself and my deeply kinky, rebellious and iconoclastic self. But I pay the price by having to be discreet at times when I wish to trumpet with joy. 

Not going anywhere in particular with this; just expressing a bit of frustration. Because it really is a drag to have to be concerned about offending loved ones if they're associated with me. But, again, that's the price we pay sometimes.


  1. It just all adds to the mystery and allure of 'you'. ;-)

  2. Seriously though, I'm sure it's frustrating. I have a few name dropy things I often have to bite tongue over online and in person, eg my cousin used to date the current James Bond etc. Or I went to the Christmas party of such and such TV celebrity because I dated her daughter. That sort of thing.

  3. Sometimes I want to proudly shout to the world....Look at us, we are a bit weird, yeah. But we meekly pull our head in and carry on as normal. Publicly, a straight, sane normal couple.

    I dream that one day we can all be accepted just for what we are

  4. Erica, I fully understand your dilemma, and the nom de plume that you have to use. And since the beginning of knowing you on the internet, and our conversations as 'spanko's', I have been proud of your FAMILY. Especially your FATHER. So congratulations to your cousin the TV producer, on his book. Yes, at times in life, one must sometimes CENSOR, themselves, by keeping ones mouth shut, Yet PRIDE themselves in the HEART. XXX Luv ya

  5. I can see - and feel - your point.
    Yet, you just demonstrated how pride and happiness may shine through discretion.

  6. I can fully understand why you wish you could be totally open but it shows how selfless and considerate you are for your loved ones by keeping part of you in a mystery element.

  7. Mace -- I think you may be messing with me a bit, but that's OK. :-) It's not so much a name-drop thing for me; it's more like "DAMN! I'm RELATED to these people!"

    Don -- I would keep dreaming. But it would certainly be nice.

    Six -- you're right, and my heart is filled with pride. :-)

    MrJ -- thank you!

    Kelly -- you know, that may be the first time anyone has ever used the word "selfless" in a sentence describing me. ;-)

  8. Congrats to your cousin! That's fantastic!

  9. Craig -- thanks! Yeah, he's all over the place right now. Just saw him on CNN.

  10. That is exciting news, Erica! And it's the second book of its type I've heard about recently that' I'm eager to see. You are right to proud, and there are a bunch of us who do share your joy.

    One never can be sure of the reactions of the world-at-large to "sexy spanking," or perhaps to anything sexy and "private." In my case, reactions from "Vanillas" to my "Strawberry Escapades" have never been what I feared. It's been amusement, interest, or a "whatever-floats-your-boat" shrug. But there is a minority who would balk, maybe because they don't understand the appeal, nor the consensual-play factor, or because they just like screaming about something. And, yeah, nobody needs that noise.

    Your lead sentence is a classic, speaking of clever, punchy, funny writing!!

  11. Hi Erica -- I can surely relate to what you are saying :-) I have to be careful what I say on the internet, especially Facebook :-( I can't share anything on there related to spanking,that SUCKS. I have some family members, that spy they just can't mind their own business.I am NOT ashamed to be a spanko.I get bullied enough about other things.My new scene name is Emily Jean :-) GREAT post as usual.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  12. Wolfie -- that is a high compliment indeed, coming from a man whose own cleverness has made me laugh many times. :-)

    Yeah, I've had certain individuals react well to my proclivities. But the public at large is still ignorant as @#$% about these things. You should have seen some of the judgmental tweets and comments Ms. Keenan received when she "came out." It was scary! It's a huge risk, opening oneself up to that. And once certain information is given, it can't be taken back.

    Jade -- I pretty much avoid spanko talk on Facebook too. I have spanko friends on there, but really, there are better places to talk about it.

  13. When Jillian Keenan's article was first published, I sent her an e-mail commending her courage. At the same time, I privately wondered if she had made a huge mistake. In this Internet age where nothing ever quite goes away, she will be associated with that forever. I suspect she took that into consideration, but it's a huge step I would not be willing to take. My spanking interest, while avid, is also quite private.

  14. "Mace -- I think you may be messing with me a bit, but that's OK. :-) "

    Teasing is in my nature. :)

  15. Gary -- it was definitely brave on her part, and I'm sure she didn't do it lightly. She struck a blow for all of us!

    Mace -- mine too. :-)

    (to Jon) -- I deleted your comment, because it made me a little nervous. Probably overcautious on my part, but since you said it was OK to do so, I did. No worries and no offense.

  16. Erica: Sorry. As soon as I saw it in print I realized all those words together on a page were a bad choice. My apologies. Jon

  17. Jon -- it's OK. No worries. :-)

  18. I know what you mean. I got a request by someone who wanted to follow me on another social network and I had to decline. He was into gold prospecting and I was on there with my kink. Oh well...

    I also admire Jillian for writing in the NYT about her kink. That took a lot of courage.

  19. Bobbie Jo -- yeah, one has to be verrry careful, and keep things separate as much as possible.

  20. Erica,

    I've been reading you for years now and never commented. Love your blog and how you process things. You and I are the same age, and DAMN, you look good!!!

    I've always wondered how it is with the anonymity thing that you don't mind showing your real self in the photos. You're not concerned you might be found out by someone stumbling across your blog that knows you IRL?


  21. K -- Hi, and welcome! :-)

    I've never worried about that, because my blog isn't really the type of thing one stumbles across, I don't think. One has to be searching for this type of content. So, if someone finds my blog, chances are he/she is "one of us." So far, I haven't had any problem. (Famous last words!)