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Monday, April 2, 2012

The need

I didn't even know what it was, just that I needed something. Sleep? Food? Fun? Attention? Probably all of the above. But I felt so tired and drained today, I actually considered canceling on ST, because I didn't feel up to playing. I wanted to see him, but I didn't think I'd be any fun.

Dragged myself to the gym and made it through the workout, but still felt like someone had replaced all the blood in my body with lead pellets. Just wanted to curl up in a dark bedroom and sleep. But instead, I showered, washed my hair, dressed nicely, straightened up the place. I may not have wanted to play, but somewhere underneath the malaise, I knew I needed to.

He'd read my blog; he knew where I was. We talked for a while. He was sussing me out, gauging my mood. When we transitioned into play mode, there was none of the usual banter and sass. All I said was, "Please take me somewhere else." He understood.

Sorry, guys. No pictures tonight. And no entertaining repartee. We barely spoke through the entire scene. His demeanor was gentle, but the spanking was not. It pushed me and pushed me until I broke. Exactly as I needed to.

Everything seemed to hurt more; I was hypersensitive and I thrashed and squirmed a fair amount. But once the tears began, I settled into the pain, welcoming it, absorbing it. He was quiet; didn't speak, didn't ask questions that demanded answers. He just let me be and poured all his focus into what he was doing.

When the time came for the final wooden paddle strokes (because that is always how we end), he didn't make me count. However, in a final attempt to blast out the last of the lingering tension, he gave me the last four very quickly, and I damn near screamed. But it was over.

I kept my face buried for a long time; I don't know why it's so hard for me to face him after a scene, especially when I've been crying. Self-conscious, perhaps. I know he wants to see my face. But he waits, patiently.

"What would I do without you," I murmured. Rhetorical question. I don't want to know the answer. Not for a very long time.

We watched a couple of episodes of Fawlty Towers (I had it from Netflix) and then he had to go. He was sleepy. So was I. In fact, I wanted to go to bed then and there, but it was too early. I needed to eat, to blog while it was fresh.

Now I'm well fed, well spanked and well cared for. I will sink into blissful sleep, have a day of pampering tomorrow, and then get up bright and early (bleah) Wednesday morning to go shoot with Lily and Robert. ST offered to take the day off work and come be my fluffer (or in this case, reddener), but I told him that wouldn't be necessary. :-) It's going to be lots of fun and I look forward to it.

Funny side note, regarding Twitter. I was tweeting with a friend an hour or so ago about tonight's scene, and I mentioned that I felt incredibly "drained." In the next few minutes, I noticed I had a new follower.

A plumber.

No, not that kind of drained, dear. Put your snake away. Please.

Feeling a bit mushy and weepy, but in the best possible way. Thank you, ST.


  1. There are wants, and there are needs.

    I'm so glad you got your needs met.

    Have a wonderful time Wednesday! That should be a damn hoot!

    Rest well Miss Drained .. In the south.. we call that "feeling like a spent hen"... LOL

    Oh.. and WELCOME to "Mr Draino".. LOL

  2. ps... I think ST would be a "fluffer/reddener" worth his weight in gold!

  3. Zelle -- I promise I will blog all about Wednesday! And ST is indeed worth his weight in gold... and chocolate, too! :-)

  4. You got just "what the doctor ordered":)


  5. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Spankings usually help in most situations.

    "Put your snake away" LOL!


  6. I think a lot of this is about need. Sometimes needs can be wants too, but I am not sure anyone was really raised to want a spanking. Not until they needed one, anyway.


  7. Hi Erica-I am so happy that you got what you needed :-)I can't wait to read about your shoot with Lily, I bet it's going to be funny.A plumber friended you hehehe LOL,Tell him your not MRS.DRAINO hehehe LMAO :-)You don't need a snake but perhap's a spanking,they both begin with the letter S,Much Love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade XOXO

  8. Craig -- I did. Now if I could just get a transfusion so I don't feel so damn tired, that would help too.

    Ronnie -- I wonder what doctor would order that... :-D

    Hermione -- well, you know, I don't need my pipes cleaned. I have John for that.

    Kitty -- most of the time, I want them, because I fetishize them. But then there are times when I really do NEED them.

    Jade -- people follow you on Twitter as soon as you mention some keyword, I think. I once mentioned my A/C and then some air-conditioner repair guy followed me. :-) Kinda stupid!

  9. I hide my face too. It's the vulnerability, I think. At least for me.

    Bet you slept well. :)


  10. Sarah -- I did! And yet, still felt sleepy today, and just woke up from a nap. :-)

  11. "Dr." ST ordered it. :-)

  12. Bobbie Jo -- right. He has his PhD (Phony Doctorate). :-D

  13. Hahahahaha! Good one!

  14. It's a wonderful thing to have a partner who knows you well enough to give you what you want AND need. I'm with you on sleeping soundly after an intense scene. That's always nice. I also always hide my face. It makes me self conscious that he's looking at me when I'm so vulnerable, as silly as that may seem considering he's seeing most of the rest of me anyway.

  15. Lea -- it's the vulnerability, I agree. Plus... I think I look unattractive when I'm crying. :-(

  16. I think you did very well last weekend, Erica! And the best thing is, you may sound tired, but it seems to me that the fear and the pressure have faded (at least a bit), now that you have visited your mother and even told her the things that were on your mind.

    It's very good that you have some time now to recharge your batteries, though. And wonderful people who support you. Sometimes it is just good to forget about one's battlefields for a short while. Or, to quote Fawlty Towers: "Don't mention the war!" :-)

  17. Kaelah -- yes, definitely time for some fun. Are you a Fawlty Towers fan? I can't believe that show only had one season; it makes me laugh until my stomach hurts!

  18. I'm eager to hear all about the upcoming shoot details. With 2 closely spaced spankings you will have to live with a VERY sore ass predicament this week, you "poor" dear! :)

  19. Kelly -- the shoot is done, and I will be putting together a blog this evening. It was a blast. However, Robert is the poorest dear of the two of us... will explain later! :-D

  20. Erica, I definitely am a Fawlty Towers fan! :-) I'm a complete British comedy addict, anyway. I've got a DVD set with all 12 episodes (there were two seasons with six episodes each).

    How could I not like that series? After all, I'm into M/M spankings. And who could be a better team for that than Mr Fawlty and Manuel? ;-)

  21. I'm catching up on your last few entries. I'm so glad you got to see your mother and stepfather because I know it was important to you. It was also very brave of you. Not everyone could find the strength to do this, to see a parent who has little to give, to hear reproving, and probably unfair words--but pay for dinner anyway.

    No wonder you felt so drained.

  22. Kaelah -- I am rewatching it after seeing it many years ago. It was pretty risqué for 1975! The deliberate errors on the Fawlty Towers sign outside always caught my eye, being a proofreader. The one time they rearranged the letters into "Flowery Twats" nearly made me split my sides!

    Mick -- thank you. Dinner wasn't expensive, and it was a pride thing. I didn't want him paying for my dinner, knowing how he felt. It is what it is, as they say.

  23. Yes, the changing sign is indeed cool. The changes are even all listed in the Wikipedia entry! :-)