Reunited and it hurts so good

Yes, I'm still alive. I just took a break. Didn't want to make a big dramatic exit out of it; I simply got sick to death of my own gloom and sadness, and figured I'd come back when I had something good to post. Something fun. 

Steve is back. It wasn't just the move; there were a lot of other things going on with him too, all at once. I could not fault him for not being able to play; that was frustrating and disappointing, but I understood. But what sent me over the edge was when he completely disappeared, didn't return messages or texts. I cannot stand disappearing acts. I just can't. He thought that if he couldn't be a strong top for me, he should stay away and not contact me until he could pull things together. Now he knows, that was the worst thing he could have done. 

We talked for a long time when he arrived this morning. He had already apologized to me many times; both verbally and in writing. I knew he felt bad. But my trust, my feelings of emotional safety, had taken a hit. Time would heal me, but I did need time. Fortunately, he got that.

Amazing how my skin marked so easily after weeks without a full and proper scene. I was mottled just from his warm-up hand spanking, but it didn't feel too painful. I welcomed the sensations, having missed them for so long. Then we moved to the ottoman, and to implements. 

They hurt. And I broke down, almost immediately. All the hurt and pain and sense of loss I'd been carrying around came flooding out on torrents of tears. I was crying so hard, he cut the scene short to take care of me.

Taking me to my room, he wrapped me up in the comforter and took me in his arms, where I wept for I don't know how long. It just went on and on; I couldn't stop. He whispered sweet words, gave me more apologies, promised he would never disappear like that again, encouraged me to let it all out. I did.

I was exhausted after that. But, unlike all the crying of the past few weeks, this storm of tears left me clean and at peace. After a while, I was even able to giggle and tease, making him jump by sticking my cold feet on his leg.

He was able to stay for six hours, a nice long time. Despite my marks, I found myself wanting to play again, but this time in a more lighthearted vein. So we went back to the couch, put on his camera and recorded this bit of silliness. Hope you guys like it. (Warning: if you don't like extreme redness, you might want to pass on this.)



Yeah, I know. Back to that "Top is always right" crap again. :-) But believe me... that was just for the video. His apology to me was more than sincere.

We are back on track. And I'm back where I belong.

To those who emailed me, sent me private tweets, messaged me on FetLife and posted on my wall, texted me -- thank you. When you're in the pits, it's good to know that people care. ♥ And for all those who posted on that last blog, the one I took down, I copied all your comments and pasted them into a document so I could keep them. I don't usually remove blog posts, but that one was just too personal, too much information, too much everything. I figured if I was going to go away for a while, I didn't want to disappear leaving such a sour note.

Tonight, I am so tired I could croak, my eyes are swollen, and I'm sore as hell. And I'm completely at peace. I'm ready to rejoin the living... after I sleep for about 12 hours.