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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Reunited and it hurts so good

Yes, I'm still alive. I just took a break. Didn't want to make a big dramatic exit out of it; I simply got sick to death of my own gloom and sadness, and figured I'd come back when I had something good to post. Something fun. 

Steve is back. It wasn't just the move; there were a lot of other things going on with him too, all at once. I could not fault him for not being able to play; that was frustrating and disappointing, but I understood. But what sent me over the edge was when he completely disappeared, didn't return messages or texts. I cannot stand disappearing acts. I just can't. He thought that if he couldn't be a strong top for me, he should stay away and not contact me until he could pull things together. Now he knows, that was the worst thing he could have done. 

We talked for a long time when he arrived this morning. He had already apologized to me many times; both verbally and in writing. I knew he felt bad. But my trust, my feelings of emotional safety, had taken a hit. Time would heal me, but I did need time. Fortunately, he got that.

Amazing how my skin marked so easily after weeks without a full and proper scene. I was mottled just from his warm-up hand spanking, but it didn't feel too painful. I welcomed the sensations, having missed them for so long. Then we moved to the ottoman, and to implements. 

They hurt. And I broke down, almost immediately. All the hurt and pain and sense of loss I'd been carrying around came flooding out on torrents of tears. I was crying so hard, he cut the scene short to take care of me.

Taking me to my room, he wrapped me up in the comforter and took me in his arms, where I wept for I don't know how long. It just went on and on; I couldn't stop. He whispered sweet words, gave me more apologies, promised he would never disappear like that again, encouraged me to let it all out. I did.

I was exhausted after that. But, unlike all the crying of the past few weeks, this storm of tears left me clean and at peace. After a while, I was even able to giggle and tease, making him jump by sticking my cold feet on his leg.

He was able to stay for six hours, a nice long time. Despite my marks, I found myself wanting to play again, but this time in a more lighthearted vein. So we went back to the couch, put on his camera and recorded this bit of silliness. Hope you guys like it. (Warning: if you don't like extreme redness, you might want to pass on this.)

Yeah, I know. Back to that "Top is always right" crap again. :-) But believe me... that was just for the video. His apology to me was more than sincere.

We are back on track. And I'm back where I belong.

To those who emailed me, sent me private tweets, messaged me on FetLife and posted on my wall, texted me -- thank you. When you're in the pits, it's good to know that people care. ♥ And for all those who posted on that last blog, the one I took down, I copied all your comments and pasted them into a document so I could keep them. I don't usually remove blog posts, but that one was just too personal, too much information, too much everything. I figured if I was going to go away for a while, I didn't want to disappear leaving such a sour note.

Tonight, I am so tired I could croak, my eyes are swollen, and I'm sore as hell. And I'm completely at peace. I'm ready to rejoin the living... after I sleep for about 12 hours.


  1. Erica,

    It's so good to see you so happy again. I know how crazy I get when I go without play but when you have a special partner it's so much more than missing the play. I'm happy for you that Steve has returned with many owed apologies.

    LOL! Never leave home without a rusty fork. ;) I wonder what brilliant person thought of that?

  2. Beth -- you're right; it's a whole lot more. Couple that with all the other stressful stuff going on and you have a recipe for a major meltdown.

    Hmmmmm... oh, that brilliant person is someone very close to you. ;-)

  3. I have done the same thing Steve did over the years and I can see both sides now and agree that the Master can't do that...

    Great to hear the both of you have worked it out...

    Have a knotty day

  4. Hi Erica -- I am so happy Steve is finally back :-) So glad your back to your old self again,I love the way that Steve teases you with the paddle,So glad he didn't smack you hard on your thighs again,that heart shaped paddle is cute but it looks like it hurts.DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ARSE LOL :-) I can't stop laughing,Thanks for putting a smile on my face.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

  5. It is nice to see you back in action again, Erica. Hope Steve is able to keep coming back every week for regular play sessions.

  6. Hey, gal, I missed you! I am so happy you are back and that Steve was able to be there again and you got what you were needing. ;-)

  7. Sir -- yes, please don't do that anymore. No matter how much we know logically that it's not personal, it still feels like abandonment.

    Jade -- glad you enjoyed it. :-)

    Anonymous -- he says he will be back next week. I need to put the insecurity behind me and believe in that.

    Bobbie Jo -- thanks. :-) The world feels like a friendlier place today.

  8. Good to have you back Erica, we were worried about you and missed you, so glad it all worked out for you.

  9. Welcome home Erica, Welcome home. Yes, all your 'spanking enthusiasts MISSED YOU. And your number ONE FAN ME. Most of all. YOU SCARED US, with your absence, and it isn't even HALLOWEEN yet. Talking of Halloween, I see you got lots of BOO BOO's, on that tender bare behind of yours Once again, Please, Please, don't leave us. XXX Luv ya

  10. Grace -- thank you. :-)

    Six -- I didn't mean to scare anyone, honest. I was just so, so tired and out of things to say. Yes, I have many boo-boos! Love them all. :-)

  11. That's all just really great! Erica. You sorted out and were sorted out. And you are a happy Kitty again.
    If I may: what would it have a meant to your sense of safety, had he interacted in the shape he was in?

  12. MrJ -- I didn't expect him to play with me when he was in such a bad way. But I did expect him to communicate with me. I needed to know he was still there. He may be my top, but he's my friend too.

    1. I see what you mean, Erica. Wonderfully put, that last sentence. Good that you talked it over.

  13. I am sooo happy to read how well last night turned out. It was great for you to be honest with him and not let him completely off the hook without his explanation. I agree it's compassionate to give friends leeway when they are dealing with a lot of strife. But in the spanking community WAY too many people are fair weather friends. I'm glad you two are back on track...or WHACK! :)

  14. Kelly -- I think, unfortunately, that statement goes for all communities. Always important to keep an awareness of one's real friends; not always easy in the Internet age. (sigh)

  15. Being at peace is such a lovely place....happy for you.

  16. Ron -- thanks. Brand new, first time wearing them. :-)

  17. Really glad you're back in that special place only a really good spanking can take you. Nice one.

  18. You took a break. Me too, tho much longer it seems.

    I understand! Wish I could get it out through weeping!

  19. Edgar -- thank you. It's a relief, surely.

    Sarah -- hey!! I hope you're OK. Good to see you.

  20. Abandonment never feels good :-(

  21. Anonymous -- one of the worst feelings there is.

  22. I join with the others in welcoming you back! It's good to hear you so happy once again. Judging from that last dear photo of you both and the little insights you have shared with us about Steve, I'm betting that he won't silently disappear again, even when he is unable to get together with you.


  23. Erica, for awhile I worried that the spanking was too heart. But now I'm thinking not heart enough. And am I the only that thinks Steve sounds a little like Bob Ross?

    "Let's paint a happy little sunset on that canvas. A stroke here. A stroke there. Let it flow. Who's the boss?"

  24. Pam -- thank you! I don't think he will either.

    Anonymous -- ha! I admit, I had to Google Bob Ross. Never heard of him. Can't really say whether or not Steve sounds like him, but he sure doesn't look like him! :-)

  25. I'm glad he got back in touch with you and you were able to reconnect.