Helpful Comments 101

I swear, there needs to be a course on this for some people. Because so many out there wouldn't know how to say something properly empathetic if the words appeared on a teleprompter in front of them.

Mind you, I'm really, really appreciative of the kind things people said to me when I was stressed out and unhappy. Yes, I know I was dealing with "first-world problems" -- no one died, no one was hurt or sick, there wasn't a natural disaster, etc. But I was still hurting. For those who said stuff like, "I'm sorry you feel bad," or "I hope you get to see Steve soon" or "hang in there, things will get better," etc., or just sent a virtual hug, thank you. :-)

But a few others... oy. Some of the stuff people wrote to me in the last few weeks would have made me laugh out loud if I hadn't been so damn depressed.

So, as a public service, here are a few suggestions of things not to say when a spanko is missing her special top:

1. "I'd spank you if I lived closer."

First -- well, you don't, so that solves nothing. And second -- if I actually know you and have played with you, thanks. But if we've never even met in person, that's kinda presumptuous of you.

2. "You could have spankers lining up outside your door if you wanted."

Uh... no, not really, although I'm flattered that you think so. But why on earth would I want that, anyway? Haven't I said umpteen times that I prefer quality over quantity? I'd rather have one Rolex than a dozen Timexes.

3. "I'd be happy to be his substitute for a while."

Did I ask for a substitute? No, I did not. You know why? Because I don't want a freaking substitute. Once again, the implication is that tops/spankers are interchangeable and generic, and one will do just as well as another. Perhaps for some, but not for me. If I'm craving lobster, I'm not going to be happy with canned tuna. There's nothing wrong with canned tuna, and maybe I'll get some basic nutritional value out of it, but I sure as hell won't enjoy or savor it.

Yeah, I know. I use a lot of metaphors. I'll stop now.

My personal favorite:

4. "Too bad you don't switch. You could spank me and get rid of some of that tension."

Really? This is supposed to be helpful how, exactly? And since you're going for the ridiculous, use some imagination next time. Maybe something like, "Too bad the moon isn't made of cheese. We could all fly up there and have a big fondue party."

Yes, the Queen of Snark has returned. Miss me? 

My butt and upper thighs look like I was hit by a bus. They feel like it, too. It's most fortunate that I like that sort of thing, huh?

Looking forward to tomorrow night with my sweetie. Have a great weekend, y'all. :-)