Hard to believe these feet ever fit into those little shoes, huh? Yes, those were mine. My mother had them bronzed. Do people still do that -- bronze their kids' shoes? I don't hear about it anymore.
I suppose that, technically, this is my first Mother's Day without my mom. Can't believe it's been almost a year since she passed away last June. But you all know that I lost her a long time before that.
They say the worst thing that can happen to a parent is outliving their child. I don't think my mother ever fully got over the death of my brother. Sometimes I wonder; would she have been as critical of me, so desperate for me to live up to her hopes and expectations, if Ken had lived? Or would she have simply imposed the same expectations on both of us? I'll never know. My mother had a hunger that perhaps no one could fully satisfy.
After Ken died, on Mother's Day, Mom started giving me presents. When I asked her why, she answered, "Because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be a mother." That made me so uncomfortable. I was glad when she stopped doing that.
I had mentioned on here a couple of years ago that, in a moment of truth, my stepfather said to me, "I really can't blame you for not wanting to be involved with your mom's issues now. She wasn't much of a mother to you to begin with." But after she passed, the typical canonizing of the deceased commenced, and he back-pedaled. Recently he said, "You took her far too seriously. She didn't mean any of the things she said." (sigh)
When my dad died, I had closure. I had a sense of resolution, and I was at peace with him and he with me. But with my mother, I guess I will always feel a sense of conflict and confusion, never knowing where I stood. I know she loved me. But I know she wanted a lot more from me, in so many ways.
Anyway... I sent an e-card to my stepmother (the nice one). It will be delivered to her on Sunday. Simple and sweet; a mother duck in a pond with her babies. I signed it with "Much love from your step-duckling." :-)
I wonder if she has any idea of how much I wish she were my mother. If she can sense the rush of pride and joy I feel when I wear the necklace she gave me. Beautiful S. She just turned 82; I hope she sticks around for a while.
All the knots and tension and irritability of this week are dissolving into tears. I guess that's a good thing. Just in time to go to John. And on Monday, I get to see Mr. D. He is feeling better and is ready to make up for a lost week. I'm certainly ready too.
Have a great weekend, y'all.
I'm glad you wrote this Erica, not least because it's giving me a chance to vent. I've got a lot going on with my mother right now because she's basically living with us at least half of the time. My mom and I haven't spent an extended period of time under the same roof since I was 17 and a half and went to college. Sure a week here or there. Enough to know that we annoy each other. Sure I've had plenty of therapy to work through issues caused by her criticism (and, as she once memorably told me when I was 11 her dislike of me). She's mellowed with age, become less critical, though it's like an iceberg, always there beneath the surface, always possible she'll say something that's crushing.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was over my issues. I'm clearly not. I feel like a teenager, annoyed by everything about her, desperately wanting her out of my space, to go back to seeing her for dinner every week or so. But not here when I wake. I feel like a teenager so much of the time right now. And I've worked so hard to grow up, that's really frustrating.
I'm glad I have her. As I think of your losses I feel bad for wanting my parents to go away. Because I'm glad to have them in my life. Just not so much.
Anyway, sorry for venting on your blog. But as we celebrate Mother's Day, it's something I needed to say to someone, somewhere.
Mija -- you're right; we need to get this stuff out. I'm glad you felt safe here.
ReplyDeleteTrite but true: Feelings don't have expiration dates. And having your mother encroaching upon your space so often is an unusual challenge.
And please don't feel bad/guilty. This was definitely NOT meant to be a preachy, "Appreciate your mother while you have her" post. No one knows the push-pull, the velvet hammer of a mother-daughter relationship more than I.
First off-PRECIOUS shoes! :)
ReplyDeleteBecause I lived into my early 20s with my mother I witnessed her steady decline from being an irresponsible parent to her developing a very frightening- still unknown to me severe mental illness. I tried to stick around to be helpful but reached a point where that was futile. I sooo understand your conflicting feelings towards your mother.
Kelly -- thanks. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
ReplyDeleteHi Erica -- I Love your bronzed baby shoes,they are so CUTE :-) I have a pair of those too,My Grandmother had them done for me, back in the seventies.I am glad you wrote this as well, we all need to vent.I already bought my Grandmother some pretty mother's day flowers and a flower balloon :-) She likes them both very much.I know your Stepmom is going to love your e-card,she is so VERY pretty just like you.Wishing you and John a nice and peaceful weekend.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your stepmother wil love the card, and the love behind it, Erica!
ReplyDeleteHave a great time with John.
Jade -- she really is pretty, thanks. I wish I could post pictures of her, but you know how that goes.
ReplyDeleteMrJ -- I hope so. Thanks. :-)
Erica, as for me I had two good parents. Both my mother, and father saved my life, by putting me, and my brother on a "Kindertransport Train", to freedom in Englamd. At the risk of their own lives. Yes, I sure miss them both.
ReplyDeleteSix -- I'm very glad you had them.
ReplyDeleteI've had to come back here a couple times now before I knew what to say about this post. To say that I understand how you feel when you speak about your Mom and the kind of relationship you had with her...well, that would be a major understatement to say the least. I don't care to speak about my own Mom here, but I do want to say that reading your blog for me...well, it opens that box that I keep hidden deep down inside me and helps bring a voice to my own feelings. Thank you for that :-)
ReplyDeleteSammie -- I figured I might push a few buttons with this post. Mother-daughter relationships can be tempestuous, to say the least.
ReplyDeleteI know you're new to this blog. If you'd like to read more about my mother, you can here: http://ericascottlls.blogspot.com/2012/06/bye-mom.html
Thank you for posting the link. Your Mom was beautiful and so are you....both inside and out.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :-)
DeleteBronzing baby shoes? Sure, it's still done, and you can even do it yourself: http://www.wikihow.com/Bronze-Shoes
ReplyDeleteYou are so lucky to have a step-mom that you love and respect. Cherish her.
Hugs,
Hermione
Hermione -- how funny. I thought it was one of those things that kind of faded out after the Boomer generation. And yes, I do indeed.
ReplyDeleteParent child relationships are so confusing. No one but the ones involved in it can ever really understand. I'm sure S was happy to get a card from you. Hope you had a good weekend with John.
ReplyDeleteLea -- it was a good one, thanks. He did the mom thing on Friday before I came over! :-)
ReplyDelete