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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The voice of reason??

Believe it or not, those words have been used to describe me on more than one occasion. Me?? I dunno. On the one hand, I think I'm far too opinionated sometimes to be considered reasonable. But on the other, I detest arguing, and I know that the written media lack nuance, voice inflection and so forth, so I try for the most part to soften my harsher words and be tactful.

Unless, of course, I'm dealing with a complete fucktard. Then I don't bother. :-)

Social media can be wonderful. Sites such as Twitter, Facebook, FetLife, etc., keep us in touch with loved ones, connect us with new, like-minded friends and can be extremely validating. However, there are pitfalls. One of them is that rarely does a day go by when I don't have an overwhelming urge to type, "Oh, shut UP, stupid" to some complete stranger.

I realize that scene preferences vary (understatement of the year, there) and that at times, people state their opinions as if they were facts. Not much can be done about that. But sometimes I see such drivel (yes, the word is drivel, not dribble, for @#$%'s sake), I cringe to think that newbies are reading it. This is when I feel the need to speak up.

On FetLife today, there was a thread where a male top posted about spanking parties. In a nutshell, he loves them, but his sub does not. She doesn't like the idea of being spanked publicly; she thinks it's an intimate activity. Perfectly reasonable. Said top stated that he realized he can't force her to do it (good for him), but he wishes she would change her mind. He asked the forum's bottoms for their own thoughts/experiences on parties and if their play preferences had changed after going to them.

He got many sensible replies. And then there was this:

Spanking is about humiliation so you should make do it with her legs apart so she has no privacy. If she feels bothered you should set an example by getting naked as well.

Way to be helpful, guy.

First, any time you hear or read anything that starts with "Spanking is about...," stop listening from that point on. Blanket statements like those tend to pop out of the mouths of idiots. Spanking is about many things, to many different people, and you cannot speak for everyone (nor can you even imply that you're doing so). Sure, we all have opinions, and yes, for some, spanking is about humiliation. Whenever I'm stating a preference, I try to make damn sure it is indeed stated as my own preference. For example, you've all heard me say, "Spanking, for me, is M/F." For me, that is what computes in my kinky little brain. I'm not saying that's what it is, period. That would be awfully presumptuous of me.

Second, you're realllllly treading on dangerous ground when you advocate forcing your bottom to endure public humiliation. Um... limits? Negotiations? Newbies... if you ever come up against a top who wants to so blatantly ignore your fears or limits, listen to that inner voice we're all blessed with and run, don't walk.

Yeah, yeah, I know there's that whole can of worms about D/s and protocols and how much power a dom has over a sub and all that. This question was about spanking parties, which are more generally about fun, not making your sub/bottom utterly miserable. So, to Mr. Humiliation/Spread Her Legs, I say oh, shut UP, jackass.

Thank you; I feel better now. :-)

On a completely different note: Our friend and fellow blogger Poppy seems to have disappeared. Her blog is gone and so is her Twitter account. Do any of you know what's going on with her?


  1. I have to say that if I read that comment I couldn't keep my mouth shut, err, fingers still?
    I'm not on Fetlife so I don't know this person, he either is an ass or just likes to stir the pot-probably both.

    I noticed Poppy disappeared too, maybe computer woes.

  2. Kaki -- it's not easy, believe me!

    Incidentally, some folks on Twitter are saying they can see her blog and her Twitter account. I wonder why some of us can and others can't?? Something weird going on.

  3. I saw that thread and I didn't read very far. That guy is a classic Alpha Hotel with his crap oozing in declaration of what he is! No decency. Oh, that's right, he doesn't know what that means. I hope he got trounced on big time. A limit is a limit.

  4. Maybe there are problems with the particular browser being used. Remember Hermoine's blog has disappeared a few times.

  5. What a wonderful and thoughtful post...I am not a fan of the fet life type sites, too many bad experiences like the man who pretended to be a lady until I asked specific questions about being spanked, this person was a lap, and got a response that I will not share here. Yes spanking is all about the couple, the public spanking answer was assine, but honestly, spanking is a tough issue to speak of publically and you need to be so cautious about the advice. I had the pleasure of giving a lovely and beautiful lady a long sound otk spanking, mostly over her panty, my love and her request. Now if one speaks of this type of spanking publically ridicule follows.

    I love this post, thank you for being so wise.


  6. Bobbie Jo -- nope, no trouncing. He was pretty much ignored. Probably just as well, I guess.

    Ron -- thanks. Yes, one has to be careful.

    1. No doubt but even in the blogs, panty spanking is usually mocked and if it is not bare, it does not count. Funny how it works but all is good.

  7. Ooh, I need to log on and find my thread. I'm usually the odd man out on the subject of public play (it makes me really uncomfortable) so would have my 2 cents to add, politely.

    That guy does sounds like an idiot. Making blanket statements is rarely a good thing.

  8. Hi Erica -- I agree that spanking partie's are all about fun :-)I am so glad that IDIOT guy you mentioned is not my top what a jerk, If he was i would definately run not walk,I would run so fast that i would probably stumble trying to get away as fast as i could.HEHEHE LOL.Thank's for this very helpful advice :-)much Love and hug's from naughty girl Jade

  9. Lea -- the thread is called "Spanking Parties?" and it's in the "Sound Spanking" group.

    Jade -- you're welcome. :-)

  10. Erica

    I just had this talk with my sister, she said that you could not take most of what people said seriously. I think this also applies to posts and comments. I have clicked the publish button and had second thoughts, I always have second thoughts, but the worst is reading my own comment and realizing thats not what I meant.

    Do you mean Poppy's Submissions or someone else?

  11. Yeah, maybe it is better to ignore the ones that post such stuff. Sometimes they do that to get people riled up. If they don't get a response, they tend to go elsewhere.

  12. CS -- yes, Poppy's Submissions. I think we've all had Publisher's Remorse at one time or another. I do wish FetLife had the option to edit/delete one's comments, like Facebook does.

  13. I am truly happy to hear that some can still see Poppy. I can't.

  14. MrJ -- I'm hoping tomorrow will shed some light on things. If it were just her blog, I'd say it's a glitch, but she's gone from Twitter also.

  15. Poppy is gone? I had no idea. How sad. A couple of other active blogs have gone private just this week too.

    I totally agree, there is no blanket statement for spanking, or anything else in life, for that matter.


  16. It looks like Poppy's domain expired because she didn't pay to renew it. and all you see is the placeholder. OTOH, her blog isn't linked on Devlin's anymore. Something's up.

  17. Erica, I love thee. let me count the ways. You have such a wonderful 'koph' ( yiddishe for head ),I agree with you 100% percent. Spanking is about........ etc, etc, etc, for each and every individual different. And always will be.

  18. As strongly as I feel for what's right and wrong for ME, I know that doesn't apply to everyone else. So, I do my best to preface comments with, "For me,in MY opinion,"etc. I generally skip reading BDSM topics since I don't share many dynamics other than love of receiving hard/severe spankings/paddlings. I DETEST the term protocol and I gather that's a part of the overall expectation among those members. No disrespect intended to people who flourish in that dynamic. I prefer to step away as opposed to the said idiots you encounter on FL who join various groups just to mock/ridicule and or argue with other members.

  19. Any word on what has happened with Poppy? Her sudden disappearance from the blogoshere and her Twitter account has underscored just how close we become in this community of ours. Just a couple days she was posting all upbeat and fanciful as usual. Then, without a word of explanation, she seems to have dropped out of everywhere. I thought it was a mere technical glitch until I saw she was no longer linked on Devlin's blog. Now I'm worried.


  20. Hermione -- see my note below.

    Six -- thanks. :-)

    Kelly -- FetLife is certainly a mixed bag. It's a good place to learn who your friends and kindred spirits are. And whom to avoid!

    Pam & Everyone -- Poppy emailed me to reassure me and all of you that she is all right, but yes, Poppy's Submissions is no longer. I know nothing further.

  21. I am greatly relieved that Poppy is doing well, but sorrowful that we didn't get the opportunity to tell her how deeply we loved her, enjoyed her writings, and had our days brightened by her honesty and sweetness. I imagine I am one of many who will miss her very much. Where will I find fantasy in my Mondays now that she will not share those delightful stories and musings with us each Monday morning? And the tales of her everyday ups and downs told in such a fresh perspective.

    Please convey to her that her blog may be gone, but she will NOT be forgotten. A sweet spirit such as hers is forever in our hearts.


  22. Pam -- that is a lovely, lovely thing to write, and I do hope she reads this.

    In this bloggy world with so many of us vying for validation that our blatherings matter to someone, these types of words mean more than you know.

  23. Pam, that was beautiful.
    I will miss her wit, wisdom, perceptiveness, joy, and what more... a daily source of happiness, smile, reflection.

    Poppy, we owe you a lot. Best.

  24. Hi Erica, I'm glad you feel better after writing that, and you're right.

    I had to close my own blog, but I reopened with another name. Had privacy issues.


  25. So true, Erica. Why do people think they are the end-all, say-all of anything, let alone something as personal, intimate and individual as spanking? A simple, "in my opinion..." would have solved all that...

  26. Mick -- sorry you had blog issues. Yes, I think I'm going to rant more on here. There's SO much to rant about, and it's so satisfying to do so. :-D

    Craig -- yes, exactly. Make it yours. You (not YOU you; the collective you) don't speak for the scene.

  27. I believe Dev's latest post is a reference to the closure.

  28. A very impressive, very appropriate monument.
    And see