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Friday, October 26, 2012

Fuck you, depression

I hate how you never really go away. You just lie dormant, waiting for that vulnerable moment, that chink in the armor. And then you attack, full bore with the negative thoughts, the anger turned inward, the tears and the downward spiral. I hate how I'm always going to have you within me. You're like herpes of the soul.

It's been a time of ups and downs, but yesterday, I felt quite fine. And then a stupid, insignificant slight happened, and I guess that was the proverbial straw.

I'm tired, y'all. Of so damn many things, all of which I can't control.

I'm tired of worrying about everything. It's exhausting. I'm tired of worrying about money and the cost of everything. About John's health. About a million things that haven't happened yet, that may very well not happen, but they might.

I'm so tired of this damned election, I could scream. I'm sick of the ugliness, the anger, the fear-mongering. The incredible ignorance, the racism, the stupidity. Of @#$%ing idiots claiming that babies born of rape are a "gift from God." Last week, in an effort to allay my anxiety, Mr. D said, "You know, no matter who wins, we still live in the best country in the world." I'm not so sure. This is a country where people don't recognize a photo of Albert Einstein, but they sure as hell recognize one of Honey Boo Boo. Where people can't spell the simplest of words, or use an apostrophe properly.

I'm tired of the social media that I'm so damned addicted to. Every day I see more and more stupid, petty crap, and yet I keep going back. And it doesn't help that I am constantly bombarded with photos, tweets, comments and reports about the latest spanking party I can't attend. Last week it was the World Spanking Party, this weekend it's Crimson Moon. How the @#$% do people afford to go to each and every one of these things?? They cost a fortune! I understand that, for the models, it's a working weekend and they make up for the cost with shoots and sessions. But what about everyone else? I miss my friends. I miss that camaraderie. I know it's childish, but when I read all that stuff, I'm back to that insecure kid on the periphery of everything, longing to be on the inside.

And yet, on the flip side, I'm burned out on people. I want to push everyone away and retreat to a quiet island. Which is ridiculous, because of course then I'd start craving attention. But sometimes, aside from John, I really don't know whom to believe in. People love you... until they don't. Until someone/something better comes along. Until your humanity shows, your vulnerability, your need. Best not to need anyone at all.

I'm tired of ME. I'm my own worst enemy.

Last weekend, John and I were driving to his sister's restaurant in the canyon. Parking there can be a challenge, since there are limited spaces, and the locals use them for long-term parking, even though they're not supposed to. So, when we get there and there's no place to park, it's a huge pain, because we have to drive a long way to get to an area where we can park on the street. And because the canyon roads are very narrow, it's difficult to turn around; especially for me, because I have poor depth perception.

So anyway, no parking spaces, and when I tried to turn around, it took three attempts and cars were coming and I got really frustrated, blurting, "Arrrrgghhh... I hate this place!" John remarked, "You hate too many things."

He's right. I do. I'm angry. And because I can't seem to get a handle on it, I turn it inward. Presto -- depression.

This too shall pass. I will go to John's tonight, have a change of scenery, have some camaderie and comfort. But for now, this is where I am. Sorry, y'all. Can't entertain, can't post Chross-worthy fun stuff. It's just not there.

I have some work to do. Perhaps I should go do it. Hope everyone has a good weekend. Wishing all the best to those who may be in the path of Hurricane Sandy. Sheesh, even Mother Nature is pissed off.


  1. Hi Erica -- I hate to see you so depressed :-( it make's me sad,I wish there was something i could do to cheer you up :-)But i feel for you cause i am very depressed and angry too :-( Nothing ever goe's right,I get lied to a lot and people act like that i am not important :-( I am here for you no matter what :-)I know how it feel's, i hate when someone turn's their back on me too,It SUCKS.I agree that people Love you until they don't :-( I don't know whom to believe in either,we have a lot in common my very dear friend.I hope we both feel better :-)I Love you, your the GREATEST, Big hug's to you alway's from naughty girl Jade xoxo

  2. Erica - I am sorry that you are feeling so down. The only thing I can think to do that might help at least a little is to go post a favorable review of Late Bloomer on Amazon.

    Oh, and I surely would recognize Albert Einstein, but Honey Boo Boo? No chance.

    I hope your change of scenery helps.

  3. I agree - just kill yourself.

  4. Jade -- I will get better. Don't worry.

    Lily -- thank you. That was very kind of you.

    Anonymous -- hey, now there's an idea. You go first.

    1. "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."
      - Dalai Lama
      It isn't always possible for me, but I do try.

      You are welcome. I hope the world is looking a bit brighter.

  5. Hope you're having a GREAT night right now!

  6. Good comeback on that last one, Erica!

    Hang in there and if I can help in any way, let me know. I have a good ear, I think. ;-)

  7. I hope you feel better. Depression sucks.

  8. MrJ -- I will be, thanks.

    Bobbie Jo -- thanks.

    joey -- indeed it does.

  9. A friend and wise lady recently told me that anxiety comes from thinking about the future, depression comes from holding to the past. Now, obviously, that doesn't always hold true, but I think there is something to be said for.... shrinking our focus.

    Erica, you said you're frustrated by spanking parties you're not going to, frustrating by election coverage, burned out on social media... All things out there, stuff floating around in the world. Maybe a day off from the world would help. I realize you're not down with traveling, but maybe a mini vacation would help? Unplug from the Net for one day, leave the TV off, go get some awesome soup and/or sandwich, try just sitting and being (or reading). Narrow your world to right here in this room and right now in this moment.

    For me it's a very relaxing experiencing, not being aware (just for a short time) of the world. Just focusing on a book or a piece of chocolate or the feel of a warm shower.

    You are a wonderful, giving and entertaining woman.
    *virtual hugs*

  10. If it helps, I don't have a clue what a honey boo is, and I don't really want to know. As for Albert Einstein, I loved the biography.

    If you can recognize the depression, you're nearly out of it this time.

    I've struggled with it all my life, too. I'm hoping you can open your eyes today and experience something that will give you great joy.

    1. BTW, it sounds like Monday night can't get here too soon.

  11. Thank you for such an honest posting, hang in there please and yes fuck the election, so tired of it and so tired watching our President spend all this time on it vs taking care of the country, lowering mortgage rates so we can stay in our homes and ending the wars! All BS.

    As for us in Sandy's path, no time to be depressed, need to prepare but if it is like last year's snow, ugh! Just well depressing!

    I need to spank or be spanked.

    Thank you for your candor and smile please.


  12. Hi Erica,

    I recognise so much of what you have written, and I'm sorry for you because I know how much depression sucks. But as you say, it will pass, just like a storm.

    Please believe in yourself: there's only one of you in the whole world and that uniqueness is beautiful and irreplaceable.

    And I agree with Anon (6.59pm) above - switching the outside world off for a bit is great for recharging. Let the world worry about itself for a while.

  13. I'm sorry you are having a hard time and feeling this way. I wish I had the answer because I can relate to much of what you say, but I don't. Big hug.

  14. Anonymous -- you are very kind. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Good advice, too. Sometimes, I do need a break. Actually, Monday nights are my break. The world disappears when I'm playing.

    Mick -- you don't know who Honey Boo Boo is? You lucky man. Once you've seen her, you can't unsee her. And you're right -- Monday night can't come too soon.

    Ron -- please do take good care!

    Penelope -- thank you. And it's already passing, I think. A good night's rest helped. I can't fix the world, or anyone in it, except myself.

    Lea -- it's OK. You know how it is... it comes and it goes.

  15. The VERY name Honey Boo Boo makes me want to gag. And the media caters to her pop culture "expertise" for Christ's sake! They seek her opinions on various topics. :( She's not even 10 years old.

    I have no clue how people can afford party after party after...BBW alone set me back at least $1000.

  16. I've never suffered from depression. I've been sad, but I know it's a different feeling. I also know that just telling someone all the reasons why they shouldn't be depressed doesn't do a darn thing.

    But I can tell you this: With all the worries and the losses you've experienced over the last year, you look great. You appear to enjoy pretty good health, you love and are loved.

    And you look terrific.

    I know this is a serious subject, but that shit up there that suggested suicide and your answer to it was classic. It made me laugh.

    Maybe you should go find a Marx brothers movie.

    I don't know who Honey Boo Boo is either thank god. I turned off my cable and just watch streaming stuff. Best move I ever made. If it wasn't for Twitter I wouldn't give a damn about the election. I'll go vote, and give my regular tithe to my candidates, but I can't do much else. I live in the reddest State there is.

    Hugs, Erica.


  17. When you refer to Honey Boo Boo, I take it that you are not referring to my grandson, he isn't too famous, although he is to me. I am not familiar with any other. :-)

    Depression sucks, you have to try and not think and dwell on the bad stuff. It only gets you down. You are lucky you have lots of friends.

  18. I *HATE* Honey boo-boo! And you're right--Once you have seen her, you can't un-see her.

  19. I'm not into that Honey Boo-boo nonsense. Fortunately!

    I hope you have had a good weekend and that you feel much better. And Monday is tomorrow. :-D Have a wonderful session and I will be eager to read all about it. ;-)

  20. Kelly -- I don't know who is more revolting: the child or her mother.

    Cindy -- good idea; the Marx Brothers always make me laugh. I've already voted (I vote by mail), so it's out of my hands now.

    Kaki -- nope, not your grandson. Not even the same sex. Possibly around the same age, though. :-)

    Dana -- right? People are probably thinking I'm nuts, but they'd understand if they saw her. She was even interviewed after one of the debates, for God's sake.

    Bobbie Jo -- weekend was good. John made me laugh a lot. :-)