The vanilla and spanko worlds, that is.
My buddy Secret Spanko, as coincidence would have it, wrote a blog this week about the perils of being a spanko on Facebook. He said the two don't mix, and I believe I agree with him. In retrospect, I don't think I would have chosen to join. But that rebellious part of me decided to do so anyway, quite a while ago.
There are many spankos on Facebook; however, they tend to choose one of two paths. 1) They use their real names and have completely vanilla profiles, with family and friends, or 2) They use their scene names and make their pages all about spanking. (And by the way, a lot of them get deleted because of that. I've known spankos who have rebuilt their profiles 3-4 times. Why they bother, I don't know.)
Ever the contrarian, I chose neither. I built a profile with my scene name, but did not make it about spanking. I don't post any spanking photos, no links to my videos, etc. But I hint at it. Some of the photos I have posted are provocative, such as the shot of my standing in my bedroom wearing the corset ST gave me. I make comments that hint at my proclivities, but never state them directly. If other members post blatant spanking pictures or statements on my timeline, I often delete them (not always, though). And, on my profile under websites, I post my blog link. No one reads profiles anyway, right? Well, hardly anyone.
Why? I dunno. Maybe to mess with people. Maybe to mess with Facebook, which I think is basically a big fat vanilla racket and an incredible time-waster. So what do I do on there? Two things, mostly -- I play Scrabble and I post in a group for Dark Shadows fans (a niche group whose members all hated the film).
I mentioned this briefly in Wednesday's blog, but here's the more complete story. Last week, I posted a photo of Mom and me on my timeline. The next day, I got a Facebook message from a cousin I've seen only twice in my entire life, a beautiful young woman, my mother's grand-niece, I guess you'd call her. She expressed her condolences, said she'd read my blog and it made her cry. She'd been very fond of my mother.
Well, here it is, I thought. You took a risk, posting your blog link on a vanilla site. Now what?
She mentioned nothing of my blog's content, asked no questions. But of course, the elephant was in the room. So I wrote back and told her that while I had no shame over my alter ego, I also had chosen not to broadcast it to family members, and she was the first relative (that I knew of, anyway) to find out.
Below, I have pasted excerpts of her reply to me.
Uh oh. I sent my mom and my uncle the link to your blog so they could read your tribute to your mom. My mom actually didn't say anything, she just commented on your mom and talked about growing up, etc. She doesn't care. Actually, she said she didn't know you changed your name...that was it.
However, [her uncle] asked me if you were a porn star! Then he said he hasn't seen you in like 30 years. He doesn't care either. If you blogged about something that made you a bad person, or racism, killing people, abuse, etc, they may have something to say, but fetish?....no one cares.
....Regardless, I'm sorry I sent them your site. I didn't even think twice about it because it was so not a big deal and we're pretty open people and I knew they wouldn't care.
Wow.
Can you imagine my mixed reactions to this? On the one hand was "Oh, Christ. So now three relatives know about me?? Ugh!" And on the other was, "They don't care. It's not a big deal. I'm the only one making it a big deal." I am not afraid; what have I to fear, really? But I feel a little creeped out. That is confusing, since I'm not sure why I feel that way. But I guess it's a confusing situation.
She and I have had a couple of more exchanges since the one from above. Her last message to me, a long one, was all about family dynamics, relationships and memories -- kink was not mentioned at all. She now lives back East with her fiancé, and if I ever want to visit, they'd love to have me. She ended by saying, "Families are crazy... but we'd love to connect/re-connect with you!"
Life sure is weird sometimes. I honestly don't know what to make of this.
I don't kid myself. I've lived all these years being cynical and dismissive of marriage and family, and I know I'm not going to do a 180 and morph into a family person. My experiences growing up were not positive and I have an innate mistrust for most blood relatives, which is kind of a shame, but I can't help it. However... this lovely young woman seems like someone I'd like to know. I will do my best to remain open. I still don't like that she, her mother and her uncle know my not-so-secret secret, but it is what it is. Not everyone who learns secrets uses them for malice. We hear of those ugly stories, but, like the evening news, the negative gets too much focus and therefore looms much larger in proportion than it really is.
Anyway... I am feeling a bit more like myself. I am eager to get back into some fun, and definitely some play. And speaking of fun kinky stuff, the beautiful Dana Kane has put up a website for her video productions, here. It is brand-new and a work in progress, so she is eager for feedback and suggestions. Have a look!
Have a great weekend, y'all.
Yeah, I don't think people care about the kink. As much as we think. But, it is the person who sees it as something different than kink that has control in some way that makes me wary.
ReplyDeleteI use my real name on Facebook and have a few scene friends on there using their real names. We all are in agreement to stick to general topics with no overt mention of spanking.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty cynical about most of my family members, too. But maybe your younger cousin is the perfect addition to your life. She could be pretty fun loving and already seems open minded. Perhaps the best way to deal with the elephant once it's mentioned is to move on and pretend like the subject never arose? Sorry to offer conflicted opinions here. Whatever you decide will work best for you and that's all that matters.
Kitty -- even in today's climate of reality TV and everyone knowing everyone else's business, a lot of people simply don't have an interest in the salacious details of others. I forget that sometimes.
ReplyDeleteKelly -- please don't be sorry! I'm interested in all thoughts on this; as I'd mentioned, I'm rather confused. I will keep in contact with her, for sure. I like her. :-)
Hi Erica -- As you know i have a Facebook profile using my real name and i made it vanilla cause my family is crazy and they just wouldn't understand :-( I am not ashamed of being a spanko or having a spanking fetish,My dad is the only one that know's about it and he is cool with it,but good lord if his stupid girl friend found out,she would make my name mud even more.I only go on facebook to play game's and be nosey like everyone is to me.FB is very boring and too vanilla.Wishing you and John a great weekend,much love and hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think if you're going to post your blog link in your facebook which you connect to vanilla family and friends with, then you cannot be surprised if they actually read it. If you didn't want them to, then you wouldn't have posted it, right?
ReplyDeleteI keep my facebook vanilla but I have a lot of spanking friends on there and don't hide my beliefs on much. I also don't throw it in people's faces because my sexuality is no ones business unless I want it to be. Plus, there's Fetlife for kinky stuff. Who I am is beyond spanking and my friends and family are important to me - so I keep a facebook that has nothing on it that would shock my grandmother because she is on there. I wouldn't tell my co workers I'm a spanko, and while they aren't on facebook, I think it would be just as inappropriate to talk about being a spanko there. No need to force my fetish on unwilling people.
Jade -- I'm glad your dad is nice about it. :-)
ReplyDeleteMarie -- good question. Like I said, I was being edgy. Honestly, on Facebook, up until this point, I have had no family connections, no purely vanilla friends and nothing to do with work. Most of the people I'm close with are kinked. The friends I have on Facebook (not all that many, really) are either openly kinked, or they are there under vanilla profiles but still wanted to friend me. Many don't, and I completely understand that too.
I dance on the edge of both worlds sometimes. It's risky and I know it. I'm not surprised this happened, and the outcome is quite innocuous. Just feels weird, is all.
I think it's a fascinating topic. "Wow" is about all I know to say, but I'd feel very weird and paranoid about it. Sounds like you handled it well, and may have connected, in an odd way, sure- but connected with her. But Geez- did you have to link to my post?! I had to go back and fix about 5 typos in case you tried to pay me back for poking fun at you! (Yes, I just deleted my comment to fix yet another typo!)
ReplyDeleteSeriously- glad you've had this mental distraction and are feeling more like yourself again.
When I still considered myself vanilla (having not yet discovered this side of myself) I had a few friends and family members hint at -- or plain come out and let me know -- they were into some kind of kink. I didn't really care and I don't think anyone else in my family or social circle would either. Maybe it's my generation, maybe it's my social circles, but very few people I know would do more than raise an eyebrow upon discovering someone was kinky or gay or had poly relationships. ... As long as there was no danger, I mean.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, if this relative of yours has been reading your blog for a while then doesn't that mean she's either A) into spanking or B) at least open minded about it? And if she is, chances are her immediate family are too. It may seem strange, but a lot of people don't view sexual preference or kink any differently than they do any other ... hobby. Would you freak out if your family learned you were into sailing? Heck no! Would you keep bringing it up, dragging them into talking about sailing? Probably not. I think Kelly is right, it's not an elephant, it's a dust bunny in the room. Just ignore it, they probably will too.
SS -- silly man, of course I had to link to you; it was a GREAT post! :-D
ReplyDeleteAnonymous -- normally I would say you're right; if someone is reading my blog, chances are they may be a spanko, or at least curious. But in this case, the link was on a vanilla site, and she came to see the tribute to my mother (her great-aunt).
It's not an elephant, it's a dust bunny. I like that! :-)
This is a really complex issue.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in "newbie frenzy" I told five close, vanilla friends about acting on life-long spanking desires.
Two of them had no issue and I've been able to continue to be open with them. One took it in stride but it makes her uncomfortable to discuss so we usually don't.
Two friends were shocked and never really could move beyond it. We're still friends and they would never tell anyone, but there was a shift in the friendship that will never be reversed.
As spanking has become a part of my life, it has taken its place as just a part of who I am, and a part I don't feel the need to share with the vanilla people in my life.
So, based on my own experiences, here are my thoughts on your story. I think it's great that your cousin didn't think your kink was a big issue. And if a relationship with a relative is important to you, then pursue it.
But if you don't want other relatives to know, you might want to let this new connection fade away. There now is a stranger who knows your secret and has access to people you'd prefer not know.
Your cousin might be trustworthy and a great person. But if you get to know her, and then have a falling out, she would pose a risk. At the very least, I would move slowly with this relationship until you can make an informed decision about maintaining a connection.
You have good instincts and, with a little time, you'll know the right course.
cindy-nyc
Cindy -- you are very wise, and I appreciate your thoughts on this.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't see how far this connection can go, at this point. My cousin is a lot younger than I am, and she lives across the country. We all know how much I hate travel. It's not so much that a relationship with a blood relative is important to me, I don't think. The only ones who really mattered were my mother, father and brother, and they are gone. But if someone who is related to me also happens to be cool, smart and fun to know, then that would be a nice treat.
Time will tell.
I wonder if your cousin is reading these comments as we speak. Perhaps she will keep up a FB connection with you too. It doesn't sound like any harm has been done. She wouldn't have shared the link to your blog is she had thought her mom or uncle would be offended. Still, I can understand your unease.
ReplyDeleteYou just need some time to come to terms with this new development. I think you'll be okay.
Hugs,
Hermione
First, big fat vanilla racket. Snort. I have to be very careful I haven't just taken drink of wine that I love when visiting spankbrilliance like yours, because I will choke. Love thought of explaining that to EMTs. "I was just reading this crazyfunnyspankasschick and drank wine. I'll be fine."
ReplyDelete2nd Facebook. Jumped off fast. Opened completely vanilla account and husband's freeky aunt friended me to everyone she ever met in her life. You go on and fight the good fight but I shut that sucker down.
3rd your cousin. That went freakyweird fast, and I think you handled it fine as you could and what matter if she's family? I'm not much in touch with mine either but if you like her maybe you can find a way to connect.
As always I never know what you'll say. But please come back and play. I'm waiting on promised rants.
:)E
Hermione -- I think so too. My circuits are a bit overloaded, and I just need time to process. I believe the blog link was shared innocently, in order to see what I wrote about my mother.
ReplyDeleteEmen -- not to worry. I'm gearing up for my next "uncommon sense" blog.
Hi Erica,
ReplyDeleteI am all too familiar with being outed to family members, and it is always an unsettling feeling! It's great that yours seem to be accepting. It's definitely a bigger deal in our heads than it is to anyone else.
Looking forward to seeing you soon, hopefully in September!
Facebook is a tricky thing. I have a profile there but it's completely vanilla. There are some friends I've met through the spanking world on my FB but we keep it all vanilla. Well sometimes there's a very subtle joke that nobody else would get unless they were into TTWD or kink related things. I think I once wrote "RED!" in a comment because a friend kept making fun of Peeps. Lol.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like your cousin reacted about as favorably as possible. If she doesn't care, cool. Even if she did, would it matter that much? You say that you're not that in touch with your family anyway. Though I can imagine it would feel unsettling to have vanilla people know. I've never had that come up yet, but if anyone I know IRL came across my blog and had me in mind, it wouldn't be hard to put it together.
I don't have pictures of my face out there at all but just some of the personal things I write about and pictures of my tower of Peeps for example, lol, would give me away. But then the question would be what were they doing browsing a spanking blog anyway? We all risk putting ourselves out there in some way. I think the benefits outweigh the risks because I do love being involved in the spanking community.
Sophie -- oh, I do hope you will make it to SL! Would love to see you again. :-)
ReplyDeleteLea -- I do too. And I know I'm blurring the lines by having a FB page. If I had kids, or a high-powered career, or something like that, I probably wouldn't take that risk. But it seems like nothing bad will come of it, and who knows, maybe something very good!
Try being a spanko on eBay. You never know what you'll find, or where you''ll find it. The household sections have some really beautiful old butter paddles, for example, that look WICKED! (Evil wicked, not cool wicked)
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, eBay is also full of real gems. Like what I'm about to post to you.
This beautiful review was in an eBay listing.
For Erica Scott, life seemed destined to be little more than a day-to-day trial to endure and survive. Through confusing childhood and troubled teens into unhappy adulthood, depression, eating disorders and crippling lack of self-esteem were constant companions, while joy and fulfillment were elusive.Ultimately, her sense of humor, strong will and sense of the absurd prevailed. With therapy, medication and support, Erica was able to break free and blossom at last. As her confidence grew, so did her desire to finally explore a side of herself she had been stifling for years. And once she began the journey, there was no stopping her."Late Bloomer" is the autobiography of a daughter, sister, friend, lover, author, spanko, video performer, flawed human being and resilient woman. Read about her adventures, struggles and triumphs.
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Late-Bloomer-Erica-Scott-NEW-/290644621788?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_15&hash=item43abc4f9dc
I don't know if that was the real blurb of Late Bloomer, or a review, but I thought it waS a good example of worlds colliding. Or not. But its kinda surprising just where spanking turns up, as though it were perfectly mainstream.
Terri -- OMG. My book on Ebay?? LOL! That was the actual cover blurb. Someone is charging way too much for it, too!
ReplyDelete