Yeah, right. Like they listen.
Not the best of weekends. Poor John was stressed out over work issues, and he was so thrown off his game that he lost his keys. He has spares, so it could have been worse, but John, like me, needs control and order in his life and when he loses things, it makes him feel out of control and very upset. I get this, so I did my best to soothe him. At least we didn't get in a fight, but he was tense and snappish.
I swore I wasn't going to do this. I swore up and down and sideways... looks like I'm a liar. But I can't help it. Every time I log on, there it is. Every time I go to FetLife, it's all over the feed, all over the forums. Every time I look at the blog roll, someone is blogging about it. The Boardwalk Badness Weekend party in Atlantic City next weekend. The Party of the Year. The one with people coming from the UK, Ireland and all over this country. The one nearly all my friends are attending.
I WANNA BE THERE SO BADLY, I COULD FUCKING CROAK!!!!
There, I said it.
I know what some of you are thinking. "Well, you could have gone too, why didn't you?" (And others, no doubt, are thinking, "Oh, STFU already," but sorry, I'm on a roll now.) Sure, I could have gone, for a lot of money. Which I don't have. Granted, John has it. However, he already pays for one big party weekend per year, and I can't bring myself to ask him for another, considering that these spanking parties are my thing and not really his. Last year, we did go to FMS as well as SL, so this year didn't feel like the right time to ask him for two parties again.
Why do I want to go so badly? I'm not lacking for spankings these days -- I have quantity AND quality with New Guy and I couldn't be happier in that area. But I miss parties. I miss the crowds, the excitement. I want to see the friends I never get to see, laugh and hug and brat and have a nonstop whirlwind of socializing. I want to be "a part of." Reading all the pre-party buzz (then the party buzz and the post-party buzz) kicks in those old dusty tapes, that horrible old feeling of being on the outside with my nose pressed against the glass, looking at the fun going on inside. Stupid, I know. Childish.
People have been writing to me, asking if I'm going. At least I know I'll be missed by some, and that's nice. But oh damn, I feel like I'm missing so much. Don't worry... there won't be a repeat performance of this when the FMS and Texas All-State parties roll around. I don't feel the same way about them... BBW seems like the place to be. On Thursday, 175 people are arriving, and the damn thing doesn't even officially start until Friday, so I can only imagine what the final count will be.
Focus on something else, Erica. Unfortunately, my book is at a standstill, because I still don't have a cover photo. I'm not completely thrilled with the shots I got last week, and I'm meeting with another photographer. But that won't be until this Friday. And I've been feeling weird about the book itself, wondering just what I've gotten myself into. Who wants to read about my life, anyway? Aagggh! I can't take that seriously... it's just nerves. And a lot of dredged-up memories. This weekend, I found myself relating an old memory to John, one from when I was about nine years old, and then there I was, tearing up at the dinner table. "What's wrong with me?" I asked him. "You've got a lot of old stuff coming up," he said. I guess I do.
I do have a couple of fun things to look forward to, but in this whacko mood I'm in, I'm afraid to talk about them. I feel like if I want them too much, they'll be taken away.
I need to get to the gym; perhaps that will help. And in the meantime, looks like it's time to up the meds:
I get it, Erica. At least sort of. This last weekend I wanted to be at a fairgrounds at the ICMJ conference and I couldn't go because of having too much pain and the weather wasn't cooperating, either. I can think if bigger and better things to go to, but that was one I really wanted to be at because I knew one of the guys who was going to do a presentation and I wanted to hear what he had to say. No dice. I woke up too late, felt like crap and so I didn't go. I figured I could go the next day. It was rainy, foggy part of the time and the road I would have had to drive on is bad enough when the weather is good, let alone rainy. I still felt like a truck ran over me, so I didn't get to go that day either. Boo. So from that stand point, I can understand your being in a blinkety blank rotten mood right now.
ReplyDeleteVenting allowed. After all, it is your blog and you can say pretty much what you want.
It's a shame you won't be there! I'm sure many will be thinking of you, as always.
ReplyDeleteBobbie Jo -- I know it's allowed... I just don't want people to get sick of it.
ReplyDeleteCraig -- thanks. Maybe next year.
I now understand the parties' temptations. A year ago, I was put off by some negative online encounters and had no desire to run into any of those weirdos. NOW...I've met, been soundly spanked and even become friends with some terrific people who are sure to be attendees. One friend from your neck of the woods has encouraged me to attend SL. Theoretically I COULD, but I am racking up credit card debt as we speak and really don't want to envision what fun I'll miss.
ReplyDeleteHaving limited funds blows!
Kelly -- yes, it really does.
ReplyDeleteThis weekend, as I was seeking out and petting all the neighborhood dogs, John said, "When I win the lottery, I'll buy you a house, and you can have a dog." That was a very sweet thing to say, but you know what? I don't want a house. I just want enough money to have the freedom to go to these damn parties!
Have you considered the sponsorship option that was suggested to me?
ReplyDeleteNo... I would not be comfortable with that.
ReplyDeleteHello Erica i know how you feel i wanted to go to that party too :-( i never been to a spanking party or in a spanking video, when i watch someone getting spanked by the spankers i want to get spanked by it makes me jealous and angry and i think to myself why can't that be me. Some things are just NOT fair :-( I NEVER get sick of what you talk about in your blog cause i feel the same way. I have just the thing to cheer you up but its a surprise you will find out soon enough :-) Love you your the GREATEST big hugs from your naughty girl Jade xoxo
ReplyDeleteJade -- you're right; life is not fair. We have to accept it -- but it's hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou're very sweet to want to cheer me up. :-)
Hey Erica,
ReplyDeleteIs it maybe to possible to start saving up in anticipation for next year? Or is that not an option?
With us, we just already know well in advance what parties we will be putting on our list. We are constantly in the process of paying in increments, so to speak.
I realize you have to fly, tho, which adds to the expense that much more. It's one main reason why we don't do SL, because it's the one party we'd have to buy 2 plane tickets for.
Don't worry about your book. You wrote it for you, yes? In any case, I think a lot of people would be interested in reading it.
sarah
I feel your pain. BWBW and the SSC are the two I want to attend and I won't be going. I'm happy all my friends are excited, but part of me dies of jealousy whenever the chatter begins and I feel left out.
ReplyDeleteOn the bright side, I got a puppy!
** This is off topic, but might cheer you a little
ReplyDeleteYesterday I found that Youtube has the entire Wagon Train episode of The Maggie Hamilton Story, in either 4 or 5 parts. I'd seen the spanking clip in a couple places, but it was fun to watch the entire episode from start to finish -- especially knowing what was coming at the end. Thought you might enjoy watching it, too.
This is one of those moments that I wish I was independently wealthy and could fly my friends in from all over so we could take the "Spanking Party Tour" and hit all the best parties during the year! (sniffs).. I'm gonna miss not having you at this party.. it already feels like there's a missing link... and that's YOU!
ReplyDeleteFirst, love the pill. Lol. I hear you on the left out from missing the party feeling. There's something coming up in fall that I know I can't make because of work and other things and it's already depressing me though it's 5 months away. It just sucks, plain and simple. Hope you feel better soon. It is Monday after all, seeing NG tonight? That's sure to be a bright spot. :-)
ReplyDeleteSarah -- believe me, we WILL be there next year. We'll make it happen. Yeah, the flights are killer, especially now with baggage fees and all that crap. Not a cheap weekend by any means!
ReplyDeleteIggy -- ooooh, a puppy! Post pictures on Fet!
I'm with you; I certainly don't begrudge any of my friends this wonderful time. I just wish I could be there too, is all.
Anonymous -- thank you so much for thinking of me. I actually have the whole episode on that antiquated format, VHS. Nice to know someone finally put it on YouTube.
Zelle -- I would so, SO love to be able to hang out with you and raise hell! Remember, save up all the details for me. I will be there in spirit, egging you on. :-)
Lea -- damn... sorry you have to deal with that. It does suck!
Nope, no NG tonight. He couldn't make it this week. I miss him bunches, but next Monday will come around soon.
But I want you to go to the party. I don't understand the world where you can't go to the party.
ReplyDeleteIf we all stamp our feet will it change the nature of the universe?
Why not host a left coast party for your friends next year?
ReplyDeleteHi Erica...could they set up several live web cam feeds? Must be others who would like to "drop in" - or perhaps it would make you feel worse!
ReplyDeleteThe spoof 'Fukitol' advert reminded me about a 'definition' on a similar theme which goes: When someone says 'Oh,I'm fine.' remember 'fine' means F**ked off,Insecure,Neurotic, and Emotional
ReplyDeletePoppy -- oh honey, if foot stamping did anything, I'd patent it. But thank you for the thought.
ReplyDeleteOBB -- these parties are a ginormous undertaking, with myriad details. I don't have what it takes to be an organizer; one needs a lot of social skills, for one thing. :-)
wordsmith -- welllllll... it's a fun thought, but I think even worse than thinking about what I'm missing would be actually seeing it! LOL
NC -- yup, I'm quite familiar with that FINE acronym. All four components of it!
I know all too well what it's like to be on the outside with nose pressed against the glass--like a dog looking in.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, I just delete the correspondence that comes to my inbox re: BBW and other events. I no longer feel badly that I cannot go--my focus is elsewhere. I could easily slip into that state of mind, however, where I would feel that life just isn't fair (because it isn't).
I wish that John would just suggest to you that the two of you attend next year (so you wouldn't have to ask him). I wish that money was not an issue... I'm very good at wishing :-)
I hope/wish you would snap out of this negative state of mind. It's too bad that NG was not available this week--of all weeks--to spank it out of you!
Dana -- yeah, wishing is a rather fruitless hobby, and yet we all engage in it to some degree, don't we... Not to worry. I will snap out it; I always do.
ReplyDeleteI am still going to overdose on those pills - but they work. I can offer you a virtual hug, but I know where you are, really I do.
ReplyDeleteI need to find a job in the UK with someone willing to offer a job, with the right paperwork for me to get a visa. And it just seems that everywhere I turn, people are just not interested in my plight - however, everyone will ask when am I coming? (great rolling of the eyes)
It is frustrating not to have the money to say, bugger this (apparently that it is a very bad word to use..), I will come across and open my own business.
At least I will have nearly seven weeks in three months time to see if some miracle will happen.
That virtual hug? Here is another!
Hugs
Raven
Raven -- having something to look forward to makes all the difference in the world, doesn't it? Big virtual hugs back to you.
ReplyDelete