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Friday, December 21, 2012

The Twelve Days of Bitching

Oh, come on. Did you really think you'd escape at least one bitchy holiday post from me? After all this Santa/baking business, I feel like I have to reassert my true nature. So, I'm cramming 12 days' worth of miscellaneous grumbling into one post. Bah, humbug.

1. Last night, my gym-class instructor did her "12 Days of Xmas" workout. On the first day, one minute of planking. On the second day, two sets of 8 bicep curls (heavy weights) and one minute of planking. On the third day, three sets of 4 situps, two sets of 8 bicep curls, and one minute of planking. On the fourth day, four sets of 2 pushups, three sets of... you get the idea. Today, I feel like I've been run over by a bus.

2. My upstairs neighbors are inconsiderate idiots. They blast their music too loud and have their speakers on the floor, so all I hear is BOOM BOOM BOOM. Also, they installed a bidet (!) in their bathroom, which flooded and leaked down into my bathroom wall, which then had to be repainted. The manager is not pleased with them.

3. And speaking of neighbors, my nice quiet next-door neighbors moved out. Lord only knows who's going to end up there. (I have had quite the succession of neighbors-from-hell next door over the years, so I'm understandably apprehensive.)

4. I am so @#$%ing sick of holiday music, I could croak.

5. I am equally sick of holiday commercials. I especially can't stand that Audi commercial where the son comes home for the holidays and his parents steal his car and take off. Nice holiday sentiment, there.

6. My health insurance just went up to the obscene amount of $1077 per month. Not a blessed thing I can do; without it, a single illness or accident could wipe me out. However, the premiums may do that anyway.

7. As much as I relate to grumpiness, I'm really tired of this stupid cat meme. Everywhere. Everywhere.

However, I will admit to laughing at this:

8. I still cannot access Chross's blog. A techie pal instructed me on how to pull up the site with a proxy server thingamajig, but really, perving shouldn't be so challenging. EDIT: As of last night, I can now access Chross's sites. I have no idea what happened, but YAYYYYYYYYY!

9. I'm really pissed off that yet another year has gone by and teleportation hasn't been invented yet. I keep reading about my spanko friends and their various get-togethers and I want to be there. But without all that airport hassle and travel time and jet lag and packing and blah blah blah. Just snap! and be there. I could drop in on so many people and then just as easily go home when I get tired. Come on, tech geeks. Get cracking on that, will you?

10. Judd Apatow and Quentin Tarantino just came out with new movies. I can't stand Judd Apatow and Quentin Tarantino.

11. Honey Boo Boo. Nothing else, just that. Speaks for itself.

12. I don't get to have the @#$%ing grumpiness spanked out of me until next Wednesday!!! (epic sulk)

Oh, well. I do have the weekend with my sweetie, who is in good spirits after several holiday parties/gift exchanges at his work. He always makes me laugh. And it's lovely and cold out, very seasonal. None of this tank-tops-in-December California nonsense.

Happy holiday weekend, y'all. Hope everyone gets to enjoy the extended weekend with loved ones. :-)


  1. Hi Erica -- #12 on your list really SUCKS that you have to wait for a spanking :-( When i crave a spanking i hate to wait for it too :-( The cat with the Christmas hat on is funny :-)and what it say's at the bottom is PRICELESS, HEHEHE LOL.Wishing you and John a nice holiday weekend,Much Love and hug's from naughty girl Jade xoxo PS.I hope some quiet neighbor's move in,that would totally SUCK if they were loud too UGH

  2. Erica,

    This is one of your most hilarious posts ever.

    Have a terrific weekend.


  3. Jade -- it's OK. It's not that long a wait, really. I'm just impatient. :-)

    joey -- really? :-) Glad you enjoyed it!

  4. If I hear "Holly Jolly Christmas" ONE more time-I'm going to ram the cd up someone's ass. Between my gym's inconsideration and nearly 3 hours spent at the mall the other day with that crap piped into the hallway AND each individual store...I.HAVE.HAD.ENOUGH for 2012.

    I HATE apartment neighbors. I am eternally grateful to live in my house for the last 4 years.

  5. Channeling Carnac the Magnificent, I predict your health premium will go up even more next year.

    I am actually enjoying the Holiday Jazz channel on Pandora. Right now Charlie Mingus and Art Blakey are doing Santa Claus Comes To Town.

    I don't know who Judd Apatow is and I think I don't care.

    I found out who Honey Boo Boo is and I need therapy.

  6. At first I thought it said The Twelve Days of Birching and I got all excited but anyway, this is one funny post and confirms my believe that I would be reading your blog even if it was just called Life and Love...will maybe. #1 - the only time I want to feel like I've been run over by a bus is when I'm 95 and I really am run over by a bus coming home from a spanking party. #3 - Will you be taking advantage of no neighbors next door? #5 - So true.
    #6 - So sorry to hear that, so sad. I'm fortunate to be a veteran and have a job paying medical. #8 - I can now access Chross Blog again. He said something about his antispam protector going wild. Don't know if that is relatd or not. Happy Holidays to you and yours!

  7. The second pic on #7 made me literally LOL.
    #9 is the same for me except that it's flying cars instead of teleportation, though I wouldn't mind that either. We were promised things by the Jetsons dammit, and I'm still waiting! This only affects those of us of a certain age. Kids wouldn't understand the frustration of having to wait 40+ years for the damn things. LOL

  8. Kelly -- well, house neighbors can be a nightmare too. John's next-door neighbor, for example, with his loud parties and his yapping dogs. (sigh) But yeah, the common wall thing is particularly sucky.

    OBB -- Judd Apatow's specialty is sophomoric crap like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up and The Hangover, which relies heavily on men behaving like boys and a lot of gross-out bodily emissions humor.

    Sweetspot -- it has been kinda nice, not having anyone on the other side of the bedroom wall. When Mr. D and I play, I don't have to be quite as diligent about my... reactions. :-)

    Jen -- I don't even want the damn flying cars, because then there would be traffic in the skies. I want immediate gratification. And I want it NOW. :-)

  9. I hate the bellringers, I hate the fake religious crap, I hate that everyone is forced into this excessive, media induced mind set of "i want, I want, I WANT!"

    I can't freaking wait for January.

    Oh, and I'm with you on the teleporting thing. And time travel. Time travel would be great too. Please and thank you.

    Oh and congrats on getting Chrossed. Sorry you can't see it for yourself, but I figure somebody done told you.

    Oh, and sorry about the Dark Shadows crack. I can't HELP it.


  10. Okay, at 5.30am on a Saturday, the cat in the hat pic made me roar with laughter, lol. That is going on Facebook so you will see it there.

  11. I have to admit that I hadn't seen the cat meme, yet, so it made me laugh. I wish you and John a wonderful weekend together. :-)

  12. I have no idea who Judd Apatow is or Honey Bo Bo.

    Have a great weekend.


  13. My Christmas is a little dimmer because you introduced me to the uber-icky honey boo boo.

    But I forgive you because you're so entertaining when you gripe.

    I'm always glad to get the holidays behind me, too.

    Merry frickin' Christmas.

  14. Cindy -- you're probably too young for this reference, but yeah! Mr. Peabody and Sherman should have perfected the Wayback Machine by now.

    Rich -- what the HELL were you doing up at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday??

    Kaelah -- yeah, it's cute. Until you've seen it 5000 times. :-D

    Mick -- if I have to tolerate that repulsive little twerp, then everyone else around me has to tolerate her as well! You know, Barbara Walters named her as one of the 10 most fascinating people of 2012. I think Baba needs to retire.

  15. Oooops! skipped Ronnie... Ronnie -- be glad you don't know!

  16. I've seen a lot of grumpy cat pics lately and my response is "are there any other kind?" I am not a cat person. I was watching Adam Levine (Maroon 5's singer) on Chelsea Lately the other day and he was asked something about Honey Boo Boo that he'd said on Twitter. He replied "I can't believe that this is a name we just say now."

    With the title I thought it was going to be a song parody of things you hate about December. ;-) I created one that I emailed to my coworkers because we're all about to lose our minds if we hear one more person say "I need to get in before the first of the year because I've met my deductible." Yeah, you and everyone else, every December. It ended with this-

    On the twelfth day of Christmas December gave to me
    12 rude customers
    11 hours of traffic
    10 throbbing headaches
    9 angry phone calls
    8 days of crazies
    7 trips of shopping
    6 pints of eggnog
    5 stomachaches
    4 credit card bills
    3 snowstorms
    2 malls to avoid
    and a package of snowman Peeps

  17. Lea -- I love cats, but I know they're not for everyone. Re. your list: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You're brilliant. And of course, you had to get your freaking Peeps in there. :-D

  18. Erica,

    This is the reason I just love your blog, this one was absolutly hyterical, laughed my butt of your best.

    As for you, yes my dear your bottom needs to pay dearly for the crank!!!

    Great post.....I am not a cat person, but wow what a face. Neighbors with the bass, wake them up one morning like at 3am "by accident", pay back is a bitch!

    Merry Christmas anyway!!



  19. How about putting some honey on the boo-boo?

    I love this post. You sure have a knack of the funnies. As for the health insurance thing, >_<! I could be more wordy about it, but I will spare you.

    I have seen that cat so much I am ready to show my claws. LOL I love cats, but I am now allergic so I can't have one.

    I hope you and John had a nice weekend. I have only three weeks to wait for my "adjustment." LOL

    Oh, and you looked great with Santa.

  20. The face on that cat is priceless...I'm sure I look like that if I go too long without a spanking!


  21. Serious bit - and I think the first time I've ever commented on your splendid blog:

    $1077 a month for health insurance!!!! Erica, are you the sickest woman in America, a walking medical dictionary, or is this an ordinary amount for an American to pay for such insurance? What does it cover? How the freak does anybody on a low income or a retirement pension pay such an amount. This dumb limey is horrified.

  22. Ron -- it seems that I'm funniest when I'm at my bitchiest. Who knew. :-)

    Bobbie Jo -- I'd like to drown her in a vat of honey.

    SC -- oh, you know it! Me too. :-)

    Alan -- welcome. And nope, I am quite healthy. But I'm also 1) self-employed, so I have no group insurance, 2) single, so I don't have any sort of spousal benefits, and 3) saddled with "a pre-existing condition (depression), so I need meds. And this is why there are so many uninsured people in America. I pay for these premiums out of my retirement account, which, at this rate, is not going to be there for my retirement.

  23. Erica, think of the holiday season this way. On the 8th Day of Chanukkah, my true love gave to me. 8 canings, 7 whippings, 6 birchings, 5 kiss's with the belt, 4 hairbrushings, 3 wooden spoons, 2 paddlings, and one hand spanking, on my voluptous bare bottom, that made my bare bottom glow with red delight. XXX luv ya.

  24. Have you seen this? Hopefully, a spirit-raiser. Enjoy!

  25. Six -- I hope I can pace those out somewhat? :-)

    Searius -- oh... No, I had not seen that. Bless his heart, I could hear very faint vestiges of Barnabas. That put tears in my eyes. Thank you.